Help Me, Save Me
by Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Summary: When Edward left, he wanted Bella to have a vampire free life. But what if they weren't the only vampires interested in her? Her life is just one big disaster, but can the Cullens help her when she needs them most? When she is in a mental institution?
1. Discovery

**I have never done a story like this before, so I'm sorry if there are any mistakes. I don't really know what happens in a mental institution or what medication is given, so i do apologize for that as well....god, i sound crap!! :)  
Please Review!!  
My life depends on it.**

**Disclaimer- I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT**

**Carlisles POV**

I parked my car outside, and sat there for a minute or two. I missed Forks. We should have never left. It had been eight months ago now, and i already missed it greatly. Not only that though. I missed my daughter. I missed Bella. She changed all our lives for the good. Edward should have never made us leave, it was a bad decision for all of us. None of us have been the same since. Sighing, i noticed i was getting some strange looks, and got out of my car, locking it behind me.

I walked into Forks hospital, missing it. I hadn't been in Forks in nine months. I had never got attached to a place before, or any_one_ before. The doctors, the nurses, even the patients. I felt like i belonged here. The town was small enough, so as i wouldn't get noticed, but i was still able to do some good in the world.

As i walked up to the front desk, i noticed the receptionist Lizzie sitting there, bored. Leaning on the counter,i spoke, making her jump

"Well Lizzie, I'm glad to see you're making yourself busy" I said sarcastically, but in a nice way.  
I didn't expect her answer though.

"Oh, it's you" She looked disgusted, revolted. What?! Me and Lizzie used to talk all of the time, joking and messing around a bit. She was a wonderful girl. Why was she so angry with me?

Actually, now that i look around, i realise I'm getting the same look from everyone. Doctors, and patients. What happened to make them dislike me so much? They were all glaring at me with such hatred, that i shrank back a little. These were all residents of Forks, people i had helped, i had talked to.

"Are you moving back?" Lizzie said harshly. The entire reception area had been frozen since i had walked in. At first i thought it was in welcome and surprise. How stupid i was. I knew they were all listening, awaiting my answer.

"No. I just came back to get some documents i need for another job" I said. I didn't know if that was the wrong or right answer yet.

"Good. We were alright before you came along. We all thought your whole family were a little strange, but we accepted you all because you helped us out so much. We should have kicked you out. I can't believe what you did!" She exploded at me, jumping up from her seat behind her computer. I took a hesitant step back. What could have caused them to hate me so much?

Lizzie was shaking with anger, the people around the room were glaring at me, probably willing me to turn to dust. A flicker of motion caught my attention. Dr Scott was walking towards me. I assessed him, judging whether or not i needed to get out of here. He looked angry and annoyed, but i also saw pity and sympathy in his eyes. The others in the room widened their eyes as they saw him approach me.

He put a hand on my shoulder, wincing at the coldness seeping through my shirt and jacket.  
"C'mon, I'll explain it." He whispered so only i could hear it.

I let him guide me. Everywhere i went people stopped and glared at me. Patients hobbled out of their rooms and stood in doorways to glare at me. He quickly let me into his office and locked the door, anticipating an attack probably. Sighing, he went across the room and sat down in the computer chair behind it, motioning for me to sit in the chair opposite. Hesitantly, i sat, wondering what he was about to tell me.

He stared at me for a while, deciding what to say. After a few minutes, he started.

"Do you have any idea what you did?" His voice shook form trying to control it. That scared me a little. I had worked with Dr Scott for three years, and i had never seen him loose his tempter. This must be big. But his question confused me. What did i do?

Seeing my perplexed face, his jaw stiffened.

"Typical. You cause all this mess, and you don't even realise what you've done!" He shouted, making my eyes widen.

I stayed silent, knowing he would tell me once he had calmed down. He didn't speak, he didn't even look at me, choosing to look at the table underneath his elbows.

"Tom, i don't know what you're talking about. Please, explain." I said politely.

He took a deep breathe, and looked into my eyes. I was startled to see unshed tears there. Sniffing and wiping his eyes, he started.

"I aren't going to tell you everything, it's not my place." He said slowly, trying to control himself, still looking into my eyes.

I nodded and waied for him to continue. Taking another deep breathe, he explained.

"Do you remember Isabella Swan?" He said out of the blue. What did this have to do with Bella? Was she alright? Did she get hurt?

I nodded again and he continued.  
"After you left, she wasn't the same. To put it simply, she was catatonic. Her father had her go to a psychiatrist,but she didn't get any better. She didn't move, didn't talk, didn't eat or drink. When she slept, she would wake up screaming. After a few months, she appeared to get better, but not fully. She was a shell." his eyes darkened and he turned sombre.  
"About seven months ago, it happened." He paused, his eyes brimming with tears that he, stubbornly, would not shed.  
"What happened? Is she okay? Is she hurt? Is she....." I couldn't bring myself to say it. Bella, dead. No. She couldn't be.

His eyes narrowed, and he turned angry again.  
"And whats it got to do with you? You left, it's all your fault" He screamed at me. He took several more deep breathes, putting his head in his hands.

"We didn't want to go. But my job, and Esme......" It was our cover story, and a pitiful one at that.

"Yes, we all know the story. But you could have handled it better." He said severely. I understood. Edward had never told us what he had told Bella that night. He forbade Alice to look for her, and we still don't know. As far as we know, he stuck to the script. Tell her that it was too dangerous, that we love her, but we can't put her in danger anymore. But, we all had our suspicions about whether he actually said that or not.

He sighed again. "Anyway. seven months ago.........A mass of bodies were found in the forest outside The Swans home. Bella was the only one left alive, only suffering with a back wound" He stopped, tears falling onto his flushed cheeks.

"Who?" Someone murdered a "mass" of people? But who? But there was a more crucial question. "Who...died?"

"Charlie Swan, Bella's mother Renee and her husband Phil. The bodies of Jessica Stanley, Angela Webster, Lauren Malory, Micheal Newton, Ben Crowley, Tyler. As well as La push residence, Billy Black, Jacob Black, Embry Call, Quil Ateara, and Sam Uley" He finished.

I was speechless. All of those people had died, but Bella had survived.

"Tom, I am so sorry. If i had known......." I didn't finish

"WHAT? WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE? COME BACK AND MAKE THINGS MAGICALLY BETTER? I LOST MY NIECE IN THAT MURDER" His voice cracked.  
"Lots of people lots their loved ones in that horrible murder, and they blame you" He said bluntly

"Why?" i was confused, what could we have had to do with it?

"Ever since you left, strange things started to happen. Especially around Bella. She would disappear for days, and refuse to tell anyone where she had gone. She would come back injured sometimes, others just terrified. Most of the town thought she was just wandering off, but then, when she was the only on left alive, people began to speculate. Everything that bad seemed to happen around Bella, but she wasn't hurt. If you had stayed, none of this wouldn't have happened." He finished angrily

I couldn't help but agree. If we had been here, we could have protected Bella, and everyone else. No-one needed to have died. But i needed to know one more thing.

"Tom, where is Bella now?" I had to know she was okay, i just had to. I don't care what Edward said, she was my daughter, and i love her.

"That's the sad part Carlisle, and the part that people are angry about." He sighed, playing with his fingers.  
"After...IT happened, Bella didn't cope too well. She had no family, no friends, she had no-one left. After she was discharged from hospital, she was put in a care home, with other orphans. Bella.....broke down. We didn't know what to do. Nothing was getting through to her, at all. We were lost" He looked ashamed at himself.

"I tried to contact you, thinking that you could help. Come back, or at least help us to help her, but we couldn't find you anywhere" He was angry again. I didn't blame him. Every time we moved, we had to give fake addresses and phone numbers. We couldn't keep getting calls from our past lives when we were living new ones could we? But right now, that was the biggest mistake of my life.

"She was......unstable, in afraid. There was... nothing we could do to help. She was sent to Brenright Institution" He was so sad. But, Wait!? Bella is in a mental institution?

He opened a drawer, and pulled out a small card. "This is the address and directions. Don't be surprised if they won't let you see her though, she isn't too good around us, i can't imagine what would happen if you turned up. And, i wouldn't take Edward or Alice with you." He handed it to me, and i noted the address.

I nodded my head in agreement. That would be a very bad move. Alice, being Bella best friend, Bella would feel even more betrayed by her than the rest of us. And Edward.. Edward would be getting no where near Bella until she was ready. Wait, how do i know that she was going to accept me? I was her father figure, she loved and respected me, i could tell. And i left her.

I was distracted by his sudden rise from his seat. He went to a cabinet, and pulled out a box. It was small, but overflowing with it's contents. I saw the large label on the front of it- "Isabella Swan".  
Breathing heavily, he laid the box in front of me. I rose as well, seeing as he didn't seem to be sitting anytime soon. I was numb with shock though. All of this had happened to Bella? If we had never left.... She would be fine. In fact, she would probably be one of us right now.

"Here, I'm not supposed to be giving you this, but i was her doctor, and i am giving it to you. It has everything in it. All my notes, her treatments and reactions. There are also the psychiatrists tapes in there. Look after them, but, be warned. It isn't exactly a happy story." He said solemnly.

Nodding, i grabbed the box, and headed towards the door. I let him go ahead of me, letting him unlock it. Before he opened the door, he put a hand on my shoulder.

"I don't know what he said or what happened between them, no-one does, but i wouldn't let him hear those tapes. Even if he didn't care about her, he will feel immensely guilty." He said seriously looking me in the eyes. I nodded, but i knew that Edward wouldn't let anyone stop him from seeing what was in here.

He opened the door, but stopped me again. "Oh" He out his on my shoulder again" and a word of caution. We are only a small town, but we hold together. If you hurt Bella again, you will have to deal with all of us. So decide. Either leave her be, or help her. But if you leave her again...." He didn't finish his sentence, but let go of my shoulder. He closed the door behind me, and i made my way, quickly, to the car park, eager to get away from the stares and glares.

Bella was in a mental institution. She needed us, but did she? Would we help her, or only make her condition worse? Should we just leave her to get better by herself? No. We left her before, and look what happened. We would help, even if it was at a distance, we wouldn't leave her again. Everyone would feel the same, even Rosalie. The only problem was Edward. Would we be able to keep him away from her for long enough? But would she accept us back into her life, after all we had done to her? I didn't care, we would help her, whether she knew about it or not.


	2. Poker face

**Disclaimer- I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT**

**Bellas Perspective **

I woke up screaming again, covered in sweat. My sheets were twisted around me, my night shirt twisted backwards, so tightly that it hurt. My face felt sore from the tears, and my pillow was soaked. I opened my eyes, and sighed. I was safe.

The room was nearly black, but a small plug- in glowing light produced the brightness i needed to see. My room was only a small box room, but they all were. The walls, the ceiling, even the carpet, they were all white. It was furnished with a white wooden bed, as well as a small white beside table, and a little set of draws for my clothes.

Despite my comforting surroundings i was still screaming. My lungs burned but i couldn't stop. I knew i would be waking everyone else up right now, but i wasn't in control anymore. I gripped the edge of my quilt, and turned my face into my pillow trying to smother the noise. I heard my door open, and the doctors and staff come in. It was routine now, this happened nearly every night, so they were prepared. I felt them push the quilt away, and lift up the sleeve of my night shirt. I didn't protest as they injected me with god-knows-what. I was thankful for the empty sleep question what they were putting in me.

I heard them whisper something as they turned me over, so as i wouldn't suffocate. I closed my eyes as i heard the door closed. Of course someone stayed in here to make sure i was okay. I was too used to it to let it bother me anymore. After all, i used to love it when.......

NO! I couldn't think those sort of thoughts.

I let the drugs pulled me into the peaceful abyss of unconsciousness.

xxxxxxxxxxx

When i opened my eyes, the lights above me blinded me. Of course it didn't help that my room was white, it made everything bright! No-one was in the room anymore for which i was grateful. My white night shirt was now an off grey with all of the tears that had stained it. Going over to my draws, i pulled out a pair of trousers and a shirt. Of course they wree all the same. White, thin cotton.

Once i was dressed, i pressed the buzzer that let the person outside know that i wanted to come out. I heard a voice come out of the little speaker.

"Alright there Bella? Want some help in there?" I heard Ryans voice try to be seductive, but i could hear the smirk in his voice.

"No thanks Ryan, i can dress myself. but it would be nice if you could open the door" I said in a monotone voice. I know i should be smiling, i would have been, if i could. I never smiled, never laughed, never showed any emotion. Sometimes i would get sad, depressed, but the drugs made me feel numb, and i liked it. So, now i am numb perminantly. I try not to feel anything. It usually works, but i do slip up sometimes, but i make sure to keep my face blank. My phyciatrist says that i should let my emotions show, and not bottle them up. She deosn't know, she has no idea. The emotions i would feel, they would kill me. I haven't grieved for my family or friends. I never had the chance to, and i don't want to either. i would rather be numb.

Ryan was the person who "guarded me". He was stationed outside my door at nighttime, and he was the one that always stays behind to keep watch. But, he is also the one that follows me around everywhere. At first it was very annoying and i just shouted at him. But eventually, i found that i liked Ryan, he was like Emmett. Always cracking inappropraite jokes, and innuendos. He was the only thing that made me want to smile.

I had now been here at Brenright Institution for nearly seven months. It was the best and worst time of my life. The best because it was safe. It had organisation, a thing that i seem to need now. I feel that without organization and structure, things will just fall apart. I guess it's my form of OCD. But, it has also been the worst, because, well....I'm crazy, hence why i am in here. The doctors say that i'm unstable, and unbalanced. They are just fancy words for Crazy. I would make an effort, if i had someone to make an effort for. But everyone i every loved has eithe rleft or has been killed. So, who could i do this for? Me? Ha! I don't care enough about myself to even make the effort. Thats why i am the way i am.

The door buzzed, letting me know that i can go out now. He opened the door for me, mocking a bow. I laughed a little at him, then made my way over to the kitchen area. It was just one big room. The lounge, dinning area, kitchen were all open planned. There were no walls, so it was all together. Doors lined two sides of the room. These were the "patients" rooms. There was also a set of toilets on the opposite wall. The remaining wall was taken up by one huge window, that let all the sunlight it. There was a set of large doors that opened up and led you to the garden area. The garden was nice. All green, lots of trees and colourful flowers. But there was no escape. A metal fence wound around the entire compound, and you couldn't get out. Well, you couldn't get over it, it was too high, and there was nothing to climb on. You couldn't go underneath, the metal bars went deep into the ground. And you certainly couldn't go through, unless you happened to have a welding torch with you. But i only knew this from what i had been told by Ryan. i think he was warning me incase i was planning on escaping. We were rarely aloud to go outside, i hadn't even been out there yet, and i had been here for

I sighed, as i sat down at my seat. Every seat had a name on it, every table space had a name on it. It was so organised that i think it will eventually drive me insane. I sat there waiting for my breakfast, as Ryan sat next to me. He was huge, muscley, though he had nothing on .....Emmett- wince-, and was actually very scarey to look at, until he smiled. He was like a blonde version of...... Emmett -wince-. Yep, he even had the curly hair, just in blond form. When i first got here, i thought it actually was him, but he had just died his hair.

I was pulled out of my thoughts as a bowl of porridge was put infront of me. Ryan handed me my spoon, giving me a meaningful look. I resisted the earge to roll my eyes and dug in. They actually thought that we would kill ourselves with spoons? I ate it all, ignoring Ryan as he watched me eat. He always did. I dropped my spoon in the bowl loudly. Ryan silently picked it up and put it in the kitchen, never taking his eyes off me.

I realised that there were other people in here as well. More "patients" and more "helpers". They were easy to tell apart. Every patient had the same white shirt and trousers, while every helper had the same light blue shirt and trousers. Both were identical except from the colour. It was somtimes easy to spot the "patients". Most walked around muttering to themselves, or just stared at random things like it was the most beautiful thing in the world. Others, were harder. I spoke to someone in here once, about a week after i arrived. He was called Phillip. I went to talk to him, he was sat all by himself, looking rather sad and lonely. As soon as i sat down, he screamed at me. I found out later that he killed his wife and child because they wouldn't stop making so much noise. I didn't speak to any other "patients" after that little encounter.

It was raining outside, it hit the glass loudly. Most covered their ears, but i just sat there enjoying it. I liked the rain, it reminded me of- NO! We don't think about THEM. I must remember them, but i could never think about them. it is a very hard and thin line to walk, but i do it. But i sat at a table next to the window, watching as the rain drops made their way to the bottom of the window and disappear. I ignored Ryan the whole time, even though i knew he was there with me. I barely spoke to anyone, Ryan was the main person i would talk to. But i only spoke when spoken to, and even then, only if there was no other way. I don't know how long i sat there, just watching the rain. It was oddly peaceful to me, and i lost track of time.

I felt Ryan rise from his seat beside me, and stretch his arms and legs. I knew what was coming, but i pretended to be ignorant to it. There was no way to tell the time in here. No clocks, or calenders, and the people wouldn't tell you anything. The only way to tell if it was day or night, was the sun or moon, through the windows.

"Come on Bella, it's time for you to see Dr. Laura now" Ryan said from behind me. I nodded my head, and turned away from the window begrudgingly. I got up slowly, and walked towards the big wooden door. It was obvious that someone important was behind it, because all the other doors were---can you guess---white. Just like the Sofas, the chairs, the tables, the walls. All white.

Ryan put his hand on the small of my back and led me towards it, sensing my hesitation or knowing from experience. I hated these "sessions" that i had to have. Mr. Laura was the leader here, she called the shots on everything. Unfortunately, she seems to have taken an interest in me and my "case", and i have to have these pointless sessions every two days. I don't know why. She has read my file, she knows what happened. What more can i tell her? But she wanted to know details, key facts, like what clothes they were wearing. But i wouldn't tell her, even though i knew. I never spoke of what happened, and probably never will. I can't anyway, I'm bound by a secret. Infact, there was only one group of people that i could tell, but they were long gone. They didn't care about me, thats why they all left. So i will never speak of what happened, and that suited me fine.

I vaguely heard Ryan press the buzzer, letting the Dr know i was here for my appointment. I heard another buzz and then Ryan leaned around me and opened the door, keeping me in front of him at all times. He pressed his hand into my back, making me move forward into the room. He led me to a very familiar chair, the chair that i had sat in a lot over my few months here. Ryan moved his hand, and put it on my shoulder, gently pushing me down.

Dr Laura sat behind her desk, leant back in her chair, each of her fingertips touching each other as she peered at me. After i was seated, Ryan stepped back, and took his place next to the door, "guarding me". Despite all of my observations, i hadn't moved. I stared blankly at the doctors desk, keeping my perfect poker face in place. Were i sat, i stayed. I didn't want to move. If it was up to me, i wouldn't move at all, but around here, i had to. The only reason why i moved is because Ryan was there pushing me, or he would make me anyway.

The doctor smiled, like she was up to something, it unsettled me, but i kept my face straight. Peering over my shoulder, at Ryan ahe addressed him.

"It's okay Ryan, you may leave us alone" She said nicely. You would never guess that she is the boss around here, but i heard the order beneath the question.

Ryan hesitated, unsure of what to do.  
"But, excuse me, but.....the "patients" aren't supposed to be alone with anyone but their main careers, and Bellas career is me" he said, unsure if he should be challengng the boss."Yes, i am well aware of the rules, i created them. But bella will not harm me, of this, i am sure" she said confidently. How could i hurt her? I wasn't strong or fast. Besides i didn't want to move.

he hesitated one more time, but he exited the room, glancing back one last time. The door snapped shut with an audiable "snap". She leant forward in her chair, and looked down at some papers on her desk. Mine no doubt. She opened a file of some dort, and then peered back at me.

"Now Bella, i know that you don't particularly like our meetings, but i would really like some co-operation from you" She said sternly as if talking to a child.

_I don't think so. You will not get anything from me lady! _I thought.

"Now, i have been going over your file and found something new. During our meetings, we have been focusing only on the "accident". But.....it says here, from your meetings at your previous phycologists, that the problems started a while before then." She looked at me as if expecting something, probably for me to interrupt. I stayed silent. I wouldn't tell her a thing. I noticed something then. This entire place smelt of disinfectant, at first it had n=made me feel ill, but i had gotten used to it. But, it smelt different in here. It smelt like.......THEM. I knew their scents, almost as if i was one of them.

_NO! _I scolded myself _Your mind is playing tricks on you again. It's not there._ I thought chanting "it's not there" over and over again in my head.

"It says here, that this all started when you got close to a boy........Edward Cullen?" She said watching me closely. I winced at the name.

"Arg yes, and it says that you got close to the entire family. Spent most of your time there. And your best friend was Edwards sister, Alice, yes?" She knew what she was doing. This was my form of torture and she knew it.  
_What? She was expecting an answer from me? Na ah lady. I won't tell you zip!_

I felt my jaw clench as i remembered my so-called "best friend". I remained unmoving, just staring at her desk. I showed no signs of.....well, anything. I knew what she was trying to do. They had tried every possible way to get me to tell them, and now she was provoking me. Smashing down the protective walls i had hidden myself behind, trying to get a reaction.

"Mmmmm....... Well, from these notes, it says that they all left you behind. How did you feel about that?"

No answer

"Did you feel angry, sad, betrayed by what they did?

No answer

"Do you still love Edward?"

I wanted so much to say yes. To scream it. But why? He doesn't deserve my love! He said he would always be there to protect me, so where was he that night? No, i hated him, but, as much as i didn't want to, i still loved him. But still.....

No answer

"Bella, are you ever going to speak to me? You can't hold all of this in forever you know, it is inevitable that it will happen. And the longer you hold it in, the worse it will be once you do let it out" She said wisely.

No answer

She sighed. "Alright Bella. Well, i was going to see if this was the right thing to do or not, but i guess i will just have to throw caution into the wind" She said mysteriously. I still didn't look at her or move. I knew that my lack of responce annoyed and frustrated her, but i didn't care. It wasn't her business!

"This isn't a normal meeting. You have some visitors" She said leaning back in her chair again, still annoyingly assessing my reaction to everything.

I was confused and surprised first. But then i reasoned it out.

_Some of the people form Forks must have come to offer their condolences, and see how i am_ I thought, rather annoyed that i would now have to act for god-knows-how long and pretend to be "normal" and be getting better.

"Now Bella," She was really cheesing me off now! I am not a child! "these aren't your normal visitors. Like i said, i am throwing caution into the wind here. You seen that door behind me?" He said without even looking at the door that i had seen before, but had never been through. My reactions betray me though, and i looked quickly, before returning my gaze to the desk infront of me.

"Behind that door is a group of people Bella. You know these people, they used to live in Forks" She said slowly, as if waiting for me to realise something.

She sighed as she realised that i wasn't going to guess. " Behind that door Bella, are the Cullens" She said without hesitating. She looked straight at me, probably willing me to break down. I wasn't exactly disappointing her.

My palms started to sweat and i felt the heat drain from my face. My eyes widened, my heart beath accelerated, my breathing became irratic. I clutched the arms of the chair, like if i didn't i would drift away. I looked up at the doctor, who was watching me intently, probably overjoyed that i was finally reacting in some way. Even if i felt like i couldn't breath.

I looked back at the door, now seeing it as the doorway to hell. THEY were all behind that door. A thin peice of wood seperated us. Then another realisation hit. It was their scents! I wasn't imagining things! I wish i was! They were really here, but then.....

_Oh My God! They can hear everything i do! _I was panic stricken. Why were they here? When? How? They were HERE? WHAT?!

I watched, frozen in terror as the doctor got up and walked over to the door. Her finger hesitated as she was about to press the other buzzer to let them in, it hovered a few centimeters above. As if taunting me, she looked back at me and watched me.

"Do you want to see them Bella?" She said sweetly

"Bella?" Her finger was still hovering above the buzzer, a fact that i was all to aware of.

"N..n...no" I haven't spoken in a while. My voice sounded all shakey. the monotone voice was gone, instead, was fear.

I waited for her finger to move away from the buzzer, but it didn't. She really was tormenting me.

"Why is that Bella? I was under the impression that you loved the Cullens" She said looking confused. Didn't she understand? THEY LEFT! OF COURSE I LOVE THEM, BUT I HATE THEM AS WELL! IT'S THEM, THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT ME!

I couldn't answer her. I realised that i had risen from my chair, my body angled towards the door. I don't know why. I couldn't get out unles she pressed the buzzer, and she was having way too much fun to do that. I was litterally cornered. She was going to make me face them! I could see them now in my head, stood behind that door, listening to me, and laughing at me. What could i do?

I started to walk backwards, i had to get away from her, from the door. My back hit the wall, and i stood there, frozen again. I was sweating buckets now, my heart felt like it was jumping out of my chest I waited for the inevitable, and i wasn't disappointed.

I heard the buzz of the machine, and it was my funeral march. I couldn't take this. They couldn't see this. I couldn't let them see how much power they ahd over me, it was pitiful. I slid to the floor, my legs unable to support my any longer. I brought them up to my chest, and wrapped my arms around them and started to rock backwards and forwards on the floor. My entire body was wracked with violent tremors.

The doctor didn't come to help me, or even stop. She just smiled. She was enjoying this! She was a sadistic cow! She was taking pleasure in my misery and terror! She leaned in towards the buzzer and spoke into it. She was speaking to THEM!

"You can come in now" She said and stepped away, and sat back in her chair. She sat, elbows rested on the desk, watching my face for my reaction. I watched the door. My breathing compleately stopped as i waited for the inevitable. No-one moved or spoke, the room was deadly silent.

I saw the shiny gold handle of the door begin to turn slowly, as if it, too was taunting me. It reached the bottom after what seemed like hours. My lungs burned for air that i would not supply, and my eyes needed to blink, but i refused to take my eyes off the door for even one seciond, i know how fast they are.

The door cracked open, i saw a sliver of blackness behind it. I don't know why i passed out. Maybe the shock, fear, lack of oxygen,or something else?

I saw the edges of my vision blur, and black spots appeared and blocked out the light. I never saw them emerge from behind the door, and for that i was thankful. If i had, i would have had another breakdown, or worse. I must have slumped backwards or sidewards, but i never felt the hit, i was already out of it.

But why were they here? If they are here, then they must know.....everything. But they don't care about me, they proved that much when they left. I couldn't take this anymore, any of it. I might regret this later, but i don't really care at this moment in time. I don't think i could survive it if i see them again. Because if they are here, then they will have to leave again, and i couldn't take that a second time.

No. I wouldn't get sucked into their trap again. I wouldn't! This was even worse than my hallucinations. This was my hell.

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	3. Story Time

**Disclaimer- I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT**

**Carlisles' Perspective**

The entire ride home, i kept one hand on the box that sat in the passenger seat. This box held all the information about Bella that would help us to help her. I don't know why, but i needed to keep hold onto it. I felt like if i let go, it would disappear.

We were all currently moved back into our home in Forks. All the furniture and clothes were still there, so there was nothing to exactly "move". We all missed it, the house, the town, the people. Well, one person, Bella. We had all just reunited. Shortly after we left, Jasper couldn't handle all the emotions coming from Edward and us and left, taking Alice with him. Then, Emmett and Rosalie couldn't stand the atmosphere so they left. Edward didn't need to explain himself, he just left us. Leaving Esme and us without anyone. We felt like we had lost all of our children. Moving to Forks was the only way to bring us back together, even though we weren't actually planning on talking or seeing Bella. We thought, or hoped, that Edward had been right, and leaving had been the better decision for Bella. Obviously he was wrong.

I found in comforting when i drove past all of the trees that lined our drive. Everyone else was inside, settling back in and just enjoying being back again. I parked the car in the garage and turned off the ingition, retreiving my key. I looked over at the box. How could something so small be about to change every one of my family? Sighing, i leaned over and took it in my hand.

I walked at human speed, finding myself surprisingly tired and weary from the days events. Everyone was occupied when i got in. Esme was out in the garden, taming the numerous weeds that had sprouted during our absence. Alice and Jasper, as well as Rosalie and Emmett were err- christening their beds again. And Edward was sat in his room, listening to music, no doubt trying to drown out the two couples down the hall from him. I sat the box on the dining room table, waiting for the whole family to be present to open it.

"I need to speak with all of you down here please. It is urgent" I said normally as if they were all in the room with me.

Esme was first in, and came over and kissed me sweetly on the cheek. I took her hand in mine as we sat at the table, awaiting the rest of the family. A few seconds later Jasper came downstairs holding Alices' hand. He gave me a quizzical glance as he sensed my emotions, but i shook my head. he and Alice took their places at the table as Emmett and Rosalie came down the stairs and seated themselves. We waited for a few minutes for Edward, but Rosalie got impatient.

"When he says "all of you" that means you as well! Now get your ass down those stairs NOW" Shouted Rosalie. I could tell she was impatient was to what was so urgent. I had moved the box off the table and onto the floor at my feet, so they couldn't read the label.

Despite Rosalie's shouts and everyone else's mental calls, no movement was heard from Edwards room. I sighed, knowing only one thing would get him down here. Only, i hated to do it, i knew it was necessary.

_Edward, it's about Bella _I thought knowing he would hear me.

"No" He whispered from upstairs. Everyone around the table looked at me for answers but i ignored them. they would know soon anyway.

Edward came downstairs a second later and sat himself at the table. After a few hello's everyone turned to me expectantly, waiting for me to begin. For the first time, i was nervous about telling my family this information. What would their reactions to this be?

I stood up, as i usually did, and began.

"As you all know, i went to the hospital to get some papers" I paused as they all nodded, getting confused as to were i was going with this.

"When i got to there....... peoples reactions shocked me" I said not knowing how to explain it.

"What do you mean, honey?" Asked Esme, trying to calm me.

"They all glared at me. And Lizzie, the receptionist who i used to chat to all the time, was horrible to me. But it wasn't just the staff, it was the patients as well. They even came out of their rooms to glare at me! I have never felt so........alienated with humans before" I said slightly ashamed of myself for admitting it.

"But why?" Asked Emmett looking just as confused as everyone else.

I sat myself down as i sighed. Esme took my hand under the table, and i smiled to her warmly, silently thanking her for her support.

"When we were gone, something happened. There was a mass killing" I said put was interrupted as shouts of outrage and disbelief, coupled with worry and dread erupted from around the table. Of course everyones thoughts surrounded one person.

"Bella?" Alice whispered. she seemed reluctant to hear the answer, and she clutched Jaspers hand even tighter.

"Bella was involved" I nodded "She was there, she was the only one who survived" I said sadly, my eyes filled with tears that would never fall.

The table was enveloped in silence as we all thought about what she had been through.

"Who?" Said Jasper quietly.

I sighed as i listed them all.

"Charlie Swan, Renee and her husband Phil, Jessica Stanley, Angela Webster, Lauren Malory, Micheal Newton, Ben Cheney, Tyler Crowly and Eric Yorkie. A few people from La push were killed as well- Billy Black, Jacob Black, Embry Call, Quil Ateara, and Sam Uley. So, basically, everyone of Bella's friends and family" I said, my voice grave as i recounted them all.

My family were silent as they mourned the people that had died in our absence.

"But, how? I mean, it's Forks! Who did this?" Said Emmett obviously itching to find the murderer.

"No-one knows apparently Bella does, but she has never said a word about it" I said. Every ones faces got a bit darker when i mentioned Bella.

"Okay, but i don't see how this can make people hate us" said Alice, confused.

I sighed again.

"Apparently after we left, Bella wasn't so good. Doctors said she was catatonic, and Charlie sent her to a psychiatrist, but it didn't help. She used to wake up screaming. They said that she appeared to get better, but she was just a shell." I said, hating myself at that moment. I should have been the one to help, but instead, i was one of the ones who had caused it.

My family were stunned into silence.

"Then about seven months ago, the murders happened. Bella, then being without any parents or anyone to take her in, was put in a care home with other....orphans. She broke down. People tried to help her but she was non responsive. Apparently, they had been trying to contact me to help but of course, they couldn't. She was unstable, so they moved her to Brenright Institution" I said disgusted at myself that i could have helped her, but i couldn't. I saw Alice tremble at the thought of an institution.

Esme squeezed my hand under the table in an attempt to comfort me, though i could sense her own sadness. Everyone around the table looked horrorfied, speechless. But Edward looked the worse, and i didn't need Jaspers ability to know that he was blaming himself.

"Of course I'm blaming myself! If we had stayed we could have protected her and everyone else" Edward said defeated, and angrily.

No-one answered, because we all knew it was the truth. If we _had _stayed, everyone would be okay.

After a few minutes of silence, i sighed and bent down to retrieve the box. I sat it on the table to my left, showing them the label.

"Whats that?" Asked Jasper, voicing everyone else's silent questions.

"When i got to the hospital, it was Dr Scott who told me all of this. He was angry, especially when i said that i wanted to help, but after a while he believed me. He gave me directions to the Institution, and this" i motioned to the box.

The waited for me to continue  
"He said that in here are all of his notes, her treatments and reactions. There are also psychiatrists tapes. He did warn me about two things though" i said taking a deep breath

"What?" Asked Rosalie

Taking another deep breath, i answered  
"One- that it is not a happy story. And two-"I hesitated, but went on. "She warned me about Bella's reaction if we turn up, and was worried that Edward and Alice might cause the most problems because of the closeness. He also advised me not to show you the tapes, Edward, but i know that nothing i say will stop you?" I phrased it as a question.

"Nothing" he said grimly. Alices' face had dropped when i had mentioned her not seeing Bella, and she turned and buried her face in Jasper's chest.

"Okay, but there are a few other points we have to address. If we go through these, then we are deciding to help her, and get back into her life" I looked at Edward "If you are opposed to that, then going through the box is pointless, and will only cause us all hurt. So, are we going to help her, I'll put it to a vote" I said addressing everyone at the end.

"Emmett?"

"Hell, yeah. I missed by little sister" He said, but he didn't smile

"Rose?"

"Yes, we have to help" She looked at the table sadly. She blamed herself, and felt bad for acting like she had with Bella. She regretted it greatly.

"Alice?"

"Of course" She said softly, moving out of Jasper's chest

"Jasper?"

"Yes. If we can help, then we should" He said. He also blamed himself for what happened.

"Esme?"

"I missed my daughter" She said plainly, her eyes filling with venom

"I of course would love to see and help her"

I sighed "Edward?" His was the only one i wasn't sure about.

"Leaving did no good, it put her in even more danger than we did when we were here. We have to help. This is our fault, we promised her that we would always be there to protect her, and we broke that promise. Like Jasper said- If we can help, then we should. But, what about what Dr Scott said? What if we have the opposite effect. What if...." he paused

"What if we make it worse?" He whispered.

"We have to take the chance. If there is any chance, no matter how small that we can help her, then we will take it" I said in a firm voice, everyone else nodded.

Standing up again, i took the box and went and sat on one of the sofas. The others followed suit, and sat on the other sofas. I sat the box on the coffee table in the middle of the sofas and took off the lid. Inside were numerous papers, pictures, and dvd's, not tapes as Dr Scott had called them, all with "Isabella Swan" on them, with various dates on them. Everyone stayed seated as i emptied the contents onto the table.

"These are the tapes from before the.....accident" I said choosing my wording carefully.

"We should see those first then" said Jasper, as Alice moved to sit in his lap. This would be difficult and painful to watch, we all knew it, but no-one objected.

I nodded to Jasper, and picked up the tape with the earliest date on it. I walked over to the DVD player and put in the DVD. I sat beck down, next to Esme, and entwined our hands. We would need each other through this. I picked up the remote and the screen glowed blue as the DVD loaded.

What appeared on the screen made us all stare in shock, and horror.

"Bella!!"

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	4. White Horse

**Disclaimer- I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT**

**Edwards' Perspective**

What i saw on that screen shocked me to the very core. I felt my hear shatter as i saw the image of my love on the screen.

"Bella" I nearly whimpered.

When Carlisle had said that this was about Bella, i knew that it couldn't be good. But, i never expected this. All of the bed things that have happened to her, all because we left her. The way i saw it, we were protecting her from us, but i didn't see that, if we left, she would be defenceless against everything. But everything that Carlisle had said, i struggled to believe. I just couldn't accept that all of these horrific things had happened. But seeing Bella on the screen, somehow made it all come crashing down on me. I felt buried in myself, my emotions keeping me under.

Bella was on the screen. The edge of the table could be seen on the camera, the table that it was sat on. There were two people in the room. Bella, and a thin, long blond haired woman who looked very businesslike. The room was only small, but, from what i could see, was lined with book shelves full of books. There was only two chairs in the room visible, both occupied. A potted plant sat beside the door to the right of the screen. So this was the psychiatrists.

That wasn't the worst thing though. It was Bella. The picture quality was quite good on the camera, somethign i didn't know wether to be happy or sad about. I could see her in perfect clarity, but, for the first time, i didn't want to.

She was thin, painfully thin. I could see her cheek boned jutting out of her face, and her collar bones visible over her shirt. She looked so weak sat in that huge cushy chair, so small. You could tell that she had lost a drastic amount of weight, because she was wearing the clothed she used to. The clothes that used to fit her, but now, hung off her bony body. But that wasn't the worst thing. Her eyes were sunken and flat. They held no emotion at all, and she stared straight ahead of her. Her face was set in an expressionless mask. She was so pale she could have passed for one of us. She looked- dead.

It hurt to think of it, but it was true. the only way to discern that she was alive, was the slight rise and fall of her chest. Besides that, she was perfectly still. She looked haunted, and she looked much older than she used to. The thoughts of my family screamed at me as did their dispair, but i ignored them. We all stayed silent, staring at the screen.

The woman then flipped over a piece of paper she held in her hand, catching our attention, as it was the only movement on the entire screen.

"Isabella, my name is Laura." She introduced herself, though Bella made no move in recognition.

"Do you know why you are here?" She asked, her gentle voice seemed to scream at me through the silence. Bella moved her head and looked at "Laura", looking blank.

"Because i am broken" She whispered to the woman, her eyes staring at the bookshelf now.

My chest constricted as she whispered those words, and my heart died for the second time. I gripped my hair in my hands, probably looking like a mad-man.

"Broken? How are you broken?" Said "Laura" curiously. This obviously wasn't the response she expected.

"Because.......i wasn't good enough. I must be broken. How else can you get rejected by a.......someone who is supposed to find you irresistible" She said, her eyes still blank, her voice void of any emotion.

She was right. Vampires feed off humans, we find them irresistable. To be rejected and left by a vampire, could possibley be the worst rejection you could ever face. I didn't care that she was close to revealing our secret, she could tell the entire world if it would make her better again.

Laura was confused by her answer, that much was obvious. She moved on though.

"Your father sent you here, correct?" She inquired. Bella just nodded.

"Do you know why?" She glanced at her, pen poised over the paper that she was making notes on.

"He is worried about me. He doesn't understand why I'm like this, he wants me to move on. He doesn't understand" She said, her face betraying a touch of irritation at Charlie.

"What doesn't he understand?" God this woman asks a lot of questions, and i could tell that Bella was getting irritated with her as well.

"I loved........him. I loved them all. They were my family." She stated

"Your family?" She enquired.

"My brothers and sisters" I felt Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie and Alice all look away in shame. "My mother and father" Carlisle and Esme clutched each other tighter. "My best friend" Alice buried her face in Jasper's neck, sobbing. "And.......my heart, my soul, my life" She finished.

"What happened?" Laura said.

Bella visibly winced, and turned to glare at Laura. "That is none of your business"

I had never seen Bella so mad. She looked lethal. I was taken aback my her mood change, as were the rest of my family. However, it appears that Laura wasn't phased by it.

"Actually, it is my business. I am here to help you and to do that, you need to tell me what happened" She said forcefully.

"I don't want your help, i don't need your help!" Bella nearly shouted, getting up from her seat, her hands balled into fists at her side.

Laura sighed. "Your father sent you here because he is worried about you. I am here to help, and i _will _help you" She levelled Bella's glare. Bella sat back down, but her jaw was set, her eyes fierce.

"Okay, so you won't tell me about it. Why? besides the fact that "it isn't my business"" She enquired.

Bella's expression suddenly turned to a pained one and she sunk as far back into the chair as possible.

"Because it hurts" She whispered, wrapping her arms around her waist as if she was holding herself together.

"Hurts? How does it hurt?" Didn't she care that she was hurt!?

"Every time i think of them, speak of them, or have anything remind me of them, i can't breath. It's like there is a hole in my chest, and every time i do any of those things, it burns. I feel like......like if i don't hold myself together, i will fall apart. I end up curled up in a ball every time it happens. I can't help it." She said slowly, the pained look still on her face as the arms around her got tighter.

"So you still think of them?" I might find Laura and kill her if she keeps on hurting Bella.

"I'm scared to forget them. So, i remember them, but try not to think of them. It's hard and sometimes i slip up" She said looking down at her lap.

The only sound was Laura scribbling on her paper. She looked up.

"And the nightmares?"

I could tell she had gone too far now. Bella's face smoothed over, becoming the expressionless mask that i had seen at the beginning. Her eyes tightened, and she became still again. For some reason, these "nightmares" were a sensitive subject for her.

Sighing, she flipped over the paper again, and read something off it, then flipped it back.

"What about all these disappearances? Can you tell me where you are going?" She said in an offhand voice.

"What?! Disappearances? What the hell?" I shouted. Carlisle paused it, and looked around at all of us.

"Dr. Scott mentioned that.....strange things used to happen around Bella. He said that she used to go missing for days sometimes, then just turn back up. Sometimes she was just scared, others she was hurt, but she refused to tell anyone who she had met or where she went. NO-one knows anything" Carlisle said, somewhat apprehensively, gaging our reactions.

"So, she just used to.....disappear?" Said Emmett angry now at the possibility that someone had been hurting his sister.

"So Doctor Scott said. I don't really know much about it, and he didn't either"

He pressed the play button as we all settled back down. There was silence on the screen for a while, as Bella was expected to answer. She didn't look like she was closed off again, she looked....torn. Like she wanted to tell her, but she couldn't.

Sighing, she replied after three minutes of silence. "I can't"

"Why not? I won't tell anyone, and we can help you" She said supportive

"You can't help me, no-one can. I can't tell anyone, the only people i could have told have left." She looked on the verge of tears, but---was that, fear in her eyes? I growled as i thought of anyone hurting and scaring Bella like this. I vowed to hunt them down myself.  
But, i was also surprised. She would have told us? Us? Why us? Maybe if we could get back into her life, she _would _tell us.

"Why could you have told these people and not me or your father?" Asked Laura.

Bella took her time answering, obviously choosing her words carefully.

"Because......they already know part of it. They are the only people that are _aloud _to know." She said cryptically. I tried to figure it out, but found myself confused. What was she talking about?

"So you can't tell anyone but these.......people?" Bella just nodded

"What would you say if they came back?" She said randomly

Bella didn't reply, but her eyes widened and i could practically hear her heart beating frantically.

"Your father is very worried about you. He wants you to get better, but _you_ have to want to get better too" She left it open, like a question.

"Why? The person i lived for doesn't love me. I aren't able to love anymore, he destroyed my heart. What is for me when i get better? Loneliness and pain." She said looking to Laura with her penetrating gaze.

The dvd suddenly ended, and the screen went blue. We all stayed in silence, stunned by what we had heard and seen.

"I....I can't believe that.......that was Bella. We did that to her" Whimpered Esme as she dry sobbed into Carlisles' shoulder.

"Edward, i know this is hard for you. We will understand if you....can't watch the rest" Carlisle said gently, the others nodded in agreement.

"No, i have to watch them" I saw them about to argue back, but i carried on.

"We have to understand her, to know what she has been through, it is the only way to help her. Besides, i caused this, the least i can do is share the pain, even if it only a fraction of it." I said, and my family agreed with me. We would all watch and read through all of these, no matter how much pain it caused us, because this is what Bella had gone through.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

We watched every DVD and read every paper. By the end, we were all dry sobbing in various areas of the house. I was in my room, curled up in a ball. Rosalie and Emmett were sat on their bed wrapped in each others arms sobbing. Carlisle and Esme were still sat on the sofa clutching each other sobbing. Alice and Jasper where on the edge of the forest. Alice had run away, planning on finding Bella, sobbing as well. But Jasper had caught up to her and had calmed her down. They haven't moved since.

We really had ruined her life. She was an orphan, had no friends, no meny, no possesions, and was in a mental institution. What had ever possessed me to leave her? Why did i do it?

It was probably the worst 7 and a half hours of my life. I sat there and watched as Bella became gradually better and better in her sessions, responding more, and relaxing a bit. Though she still wouldn't tell her the secrets. And then when she was getting better....the DVDs time frame changed. It was two months later, a month after the "accident". I thought Bella looked bad before, but she looked........there aren't even words.

The "breakdown" was there. The notes said that she "Went into herself to protect herself form the pain and reality". She didn't speak, move, she didn't do anything unless forced. It also said that she had hallucinations of the people that had died. That she woke up screaming every night, and had to be sedated. There were papers from around now, they seemed much more promising. She spoke now, but barely. She didn't smile or show any emotion, and only moved when you guided her. But, still, it was an improvement. It said that, the medication she was on was helping with the hallucinations, and she was eating and drinking again. At least that was something.

Every bone was visible ,and she was even paler than before, paler than us even. Her face never betrayed any emotion in any of the eight DVDs, and she didn't speak at all. She was a shell, empty, lifeless. It was the most horrible thing to witness. I wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around her and make her okay again. But that would have to wait.

Carlisle called up Brenright Institution and had a very long conversation. They didn't understand at first, until Carlisle told them who he was. Apparently, they knew of the "Cullen's" when it came to Bella. After that, they were very enthusiastic about us going. It was even better when he told them that he was a doctor. They wanted us there as soon as possible, and we didn't exactly complain.

It was decided that we would go on Friday. It was currently Tuesday, so only three days until i could see Bella again. I really didn't know how to feel. I was ecstatic that i would be able to see her again, but at the same time sad. I dreaded what she would be like now, what her reactions to us will be. I was nervous of what would happen. What if she was the one who rejects us? It would be perfectly acceptable after all we have done to her. But that wouldn't stop us from helping her. It only meant that we couldn't do it directly.

Either way, we were going to help Bella. I can't wait til Friday.

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	5. Restrain

**Disclaimer- I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT**

**Edwards' Perspective**

Since we were going to visit on Friday, and it was only Wednesday, i was going through all of the information again. I knew that i was hurting myself by doing this, taking myself to my personal hell, coming back, then doing it all over again. But, i had to do this. I had to be ready when we saw her. I was still dreading her reaction to us. Would she shun us and turn away? or would she let us back into her life, even after all we had done to her? The second sounded more like Bella, but who knows? A lot of things have changed, Bella included.

But, if it is possible i love her even more than before. She has been so strong, so resilient against everything. Yes, she was in a mental institution, but that just showed how strong she was. She tried to cope on her own, true to Bella's style, but---couldn't. After everything she's been through she is still getting better. She hadn't given up, she had kept on fighting. God, i loved her.

So, i sat on my bed, reading the papers that Dr. Scott had written. The one i was currently reading was one that he had written after Bella had "reappeared" again. These ones were particularly hard to read.

**Patient- Isabella Swan**

**Bella came to us again after disappearing for seven hours. This time, a long gash was found on her back. The wound appeared to have been made by some sort of animal, but Bella wouldn't explain. The gash was deep, and needed 34 stitched. **

**This is the fourth disappearance so far.**

The next one read-

**Patient- Isabella Swan**

**Bella was picked up emerging from the forest by some passers by. She was not injured, just terrified and shocked. We treated her, but she still refuses to tell us where she goes and who with.**

**This is the fifth disappearance so far.**

I spent hours thinking of all the things she could have been doing, where she went, and who with. I never got any answers though, and it frustrated me. At night, i would sit in my room, and watch the DVDs over and over again. My family understood, but not fully. Usually, after reading and watching a DVD i would curl up and sob by myself. I loathed myself for what i did to Bella, i hated myself. Jasper and Alice usually had to come in and calm me down, and then i would start over again.

By Friday, i had read the every paper forty eight times, and every DVD twent six times. Maybe i went i _little _overboard, but i had to do it. We were to be there by three in the morning, and the car ride alone would take six hours, even with our driving. Before any of this, i had never heard of this "Brenright Institution", so i got a look at it's background. It was a good facility, but i knew that Bella didn't belong there. She belonged with us.

I went alone, in my Volvo. Alice and Jasper went in Alices' Porshe, and Emmett and Rosalie went in Rosalies' convertible. So, naturally, i spent the entire journey in silence. i didn't mind that that much though, i needed the time collect my thoughts. What was i going to say to her? My thoughts, once again, turned to fear. What if she hated me, which she had all right to do? What if she turned away and told us to leave her alone? I don't know if i could handle that. Of course, if it would make her better, then of course i would leave. Until she got better.

We drove out into dense countryside, and down a lane lined with trees. I doubted there could be anyone out here. A few miles down the lane, a large sing at the left side of the road told us that we had come to the right place. We all pulled up outside the elaborate gate and Carlisle got out and pressed the buzzer. I couldn't help but see how high and strong the fence was. It stretched all along the outside of the compound, as far as i could see. I couldn't help but think that this would be near impossible for humans to escape, it was an institution.

Carlisle came back and got into the car as the gates opened. Another lane made the drive, and there was even more trees.

_Even if the humans did escape, they could never get through these trees. It looks like Forks crammed into one little area _Thought Emmett as he looked out of his window at the forest.

I couldn't help but agree with him.

The huge house came into sight. It was all brick, with ivy crawling up the side of it. It would have felt homely, had it not been for the bars on all the windows, and the guards patrolling the outside of the house. As we got out, and a woman came out to meet us. Her hair was a mousy brown and fell, flat, to her shoulders. She smiled slightly in greeting. She wore glasses and held a clip board to her chest tightly. The gravel crunched with every step she took in the heals she wore. We all got out and went to Carlisles car, waiting for her to reach us.

She stopped a few feet from us before she spoke.

"You are the Cullens and Hales?" Her eyes swept over us all.

"Yeas. I am Carlisle, this is my wife Esme. These are my children Jasper, Alice, Rosalie, Emmett and Edward" Carlisle introduced us, stepping forward.

"Doctor Cullen, then" She extened her hand, still smiling.

"I prefer Carlisle" he smiled winningly at her, shaking her hand. I saw her wince from the temperature difference.

_Jesus, did he keep his hand in a freezer or something? _She thought.

Breaking the hand shake, she motioned towards the institution.

"Well, I'm Dr. Laura, Isabella's Psychiatrist" She said.

So she knew about Bella. This was the woman who Bella spoke to, told everything to. I couldn't help but envy her. Laura......Wasn't that the name of Bella's other psychiatrist? Maybe they are related or something?

"Shall we get this started then?" She didn't wait for a reply as she turned and started walking back.

Carlisle and Esme walked first, then Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper. I stood, leaning against the car, not able to make my legs work properly.

How could i face her after all i have done? This is all my fault!

I felt an arm loop itself around mine.

"Come on Edward. You need this, we owe her this" Alice said softly, probably seeing my urge to run away.

She pulled on my arm, and tugged me all the way across the little gravel courtyard. Dr. Laura was holding the door open for me and Alice, looking peculiarly at me.

Inside, it looked more like an institution. We were in a little mid-way room. To the left was a window with an office behind it. These windows were also barred. I shuddered as i saw them. We all had to sign our names and signatures in a big book before we could go in. After that, Dr. Laura got out a plastic card and swiped in on a devise next to the door. It buzzed and a voice came through.

_Hello?_

"Jamie, it's Dr. Laura. I'm here with the Cullens and Hales" She stated, looking at the little speaker.

The door itself was about five inches thick, wooden and white. Once again, i was reminded that this was an institution. I heard the rain begin outside as it hit the roof and windows. Great!

_Er.....it's not a good time Dr. _

What? I was under the impression that she was she big boss here? But she seemed to understand and she nodded despite the fact that he couldn't see her.

"Ar, yes. We will go around" She lifted her finger off the buzzer and turned to her right, to another door. This one was exactly the same as the other. She opened it with a key and let us in. We walked down a short white corridor, and was very aware that there were no windows. It was claustrophobic. I sensed Alice shudder beside me. I forgot how hard this must be for her, to have to come back to one of these dreadful places. Although she can't remember, she still hates them.

I gripped her arm, and soon, i was the one dragging her. I was now strengthened by the thought that she was but a few meters from me. I could nearly see her standing before me, i could smell her, hear her voice. I realised that i needed to see her. I had no choice in the matter.

We ended up in a little room sitting waiting for Bella to arrive. She had one of her sessions today, and that was when Dr Laura would...... introduce us to her again. We had to wait in this waiting room until she thought Bella was ready to see us. It would be hard to be so close to Bella, to be able to hear and smell her, but not able to see or touch her.

The thoughts in this place were driving me mad. I could hear every ones, well, apart from Bella's of course. Even the patients minds were open to me. I shuddered at some of the horrible thoughts and images that flashed into their minds. One, persons mind caught my eye. I think he was Bellas career.

_It's nearly time for Bella's appointment, but she looks so peaceful, i don't want to disturb her. I hope the doctor goes easier on her than last time, she was a mess. _

An image flashed in his mind of Bella, her face held no emotion at all, and she stared straight ahead, to a wall.

Hesitantly, i heard him tell her about the appointment. She didn't reply, but got up when Ryan- her career- put his hand on her back. I bit back a growl as i heard his thoughts.

_I wish Bella would get better. She is such a clever, pretty girl, and has so much going for her. I wish she would tell someone what happened, maybe then, she could get better. Even the little things like not moving unless being directed, they would make a big difference. _

I nearly tore my heart out. I saw my angel in his mind, pale and thin, motionless. I heard them walk to the door, and press the buzzer. Dr. Laura let them in, Ryan having to push her because she didn't want to go. He guided her to a big cushy chair and pushed down on her shoulder to make her sit down. She really wouldn't move unless instructed.

I hadn't noticed that i had gradually moved from my seat on the far side of the room, to the seat right next to the wall. I expected to hear Emmett and Jasper's laughter at me, but i turned and saw them in similar positions. She was mere feet away, only a thin piece in wood stood in our way.

"Edward, don't even think about it." I glared at her. Nothing would keep me away from Bella.

"I want to see her too, but she isn't ready. We could be doing more harm then good" Okay, that would keep me away from Bella.

I settled back into my seat, not aware that i had risen, and waited. I thanked whatever gods were up there that i had my gift. I was able to see Bella through the doctors mind. She was staring at the doctors desk, not acknowledging the doctors presence at all. The doctor wasn't bothered by this though, she expected it. Bella kept her face and eyes blank, never moving a muscle.

I heard as she tried to dismiss Ryan. Even though she was the boss, he challenged her. She shot him down though, telling him that Bella wouldn't hurt her. After all, she wouldn't even move by herself. He hesitated, but left the room, sitting outside the door, ready for anything. The doctor looked through the some files, annoying me when her attention left Bella. Thankfully, it was only a matter of seconds before she looked back. Still, those seconds seemed like an eternity.

"Now Bella, i know that you don't particularly like our meetings, but i would really like some co-operation from you" She spoke as if speaking to a child, and i resisted the urge to take Bella away from this woman, i didn't like her at all. After reading my families mind, they thought similarly, even Carlisle.

"Jasper, what's she feeling?" Alice whispered, not wanting to miss anything.

"Sadness, lonely, self hatred, defiance, anger, but partly numb as well. And pain. But, the pain is constantly there." Jasper said wincing as he said and felt every emotion she let out.

"Now, i have been going over your file and found something new. During our meetings, we have been focusing only on the "accident". But.....it says here, from your meetings at your previous physiologists, that the problems started a while before then." Was she talking about us? Did we do that much damage that she had to have counseling?

Still, Bella said nothing.

"She feels happy, well, a little bit. And......hope" he choked out.

"No, it's gone, the hope as well. She feels stupid, silly, and.......even lonelier than before" he said, nearly sobbing as all of her emotions hit him.

"It says here, that this all started when you got close to a boy........Edward Cullen?" She watched Bella closely, and was pleased when she winced. I _really _didn't like this woman. She took pleasure in Bella's pain! I growled at her, my family looked at me questioningly.

"Bella flinched, and she is happy about it" I said through clenched teeth, trying to control the anger.

"That bitch!" Rose whispered, careful not to be heard by humans.

"Arg yes, and it says that you got close to the entire family. Spent most of your time there. And your best friend was Edwards sister, Alice, yes?" She had planned all of this out in her head, anticipating all of Bella's reactions. So far, she had been right. She knew she was causing Bella pain, but just wanted to coax a reaction out of her.

"Her determination and defiance has gotten stronger" Jasper whispered to us all.

I saw as she clenched her jaw when she said Alice was her best friend. Did she not like Alice anymore? Did she blame her? Alice will be destraught.

"Mmmmm....... Well, from these notes, it says that they all left you behind. How did you feel about that?" She asked nastily, using these persona;l questions to get an answer. All of my family growled quietly at that.

_She has no idea! How dare she say that! _Alice screamed in her head.

We all quieted as we waited for her reply.

No answer

"Did you feel angry, sad, betrayed by what they did?" This was going too far.

No answer

"Do you still love Edward?"

I heard Jasper groan and double over.

"Pain" He managed to say.

"And......hate" My face fell. she hated me. "And.......love" he said. I was confused. She hated us, but loved us?

Still, she didn't answer

"Bella, are you ever going to speak to me? You can't hold all of this in forever you know, it is inevitable that it will happen. And the longer you hold it in, the worse it will be once you do let it out" She said though Bella didn't say a word, or actually show any signs of listening.

She sighed. "Alright Bella. Well, i was going to see if this was the right thing to do or not, but i guess i will just have to throw caution into the wind" She said mysteriously. She still didn't move or look up. She was annoyed, angered, and frustrated by Bella's lack of response.

"This isn't a normal meeting. You have some visitors" She said leaning back in her chair again, though still paying attention to every move she made. I ahd to admit, she was sadistic, enjoying Bellas pain, but useful.

"She's surprised and confused, still in pain" he said, straightening up, wincing.

"Now, she's......annoyed? Doesn't she want visitors? Does she know it's us?" He thought aloud.

"She can't have, she doesn't know it's us" Alice reasoned.

"Now Bella," She spoke in that condescending voice. It really irritated me.

"She's about as pissed as Edward right now" Jasper said smiling a little. God, i wanted to be able to hear her mind.

"these aren't your normal visitors. Like i said, i am throwing caution into the wind here. You seen that door behind me?" I saw her eyes dart away from the desk to the door, but returned in less than a second. Still, it proved she was listening.

"Behind that door is a group of people Bella. You know these people, they used to live in Forks" She said slowly, wanting her to realise who it was on her one.

She got frustrated when she didn't say anything. " Behind that door Bella, are the Cullens" She said without hesitating. She stared straight at Bella, seeing her reaction.

_If she reacts anything like i think she will, this will be a break through _She thought gleefully.

"She's pushing her, forcing a reaction from her" I growled at the wall i didn't realise i was staring at.

Through the doctors mind, i saw the little colour in Bella's face drain away, her eyes widen, her breathing come out as short, sharp gasps. Every on of my family could hear her heart accelerate, and hear the leather chair protest as she gripped the arm rests. Her eyes went to the doctor. The doctor didn't make any move to help her at all, just sat watching intently as Bella gasped for breathe. I could smell the sweat coming from her, she wasn't reacting well.

Her eyes went back to the door, the door that my family were basically clinging onto.

"Realisation, relief, dread, grief, denial, depression" he paused, Bella's heartbeat accelerated even further. "and panic, a lot of it" Jasper clarified.

The doctor got up and came to the door. She taunted Bella, her finger hovering over the buzzer, and watched her as she trembled in her seat.

"Do you want to see them Bella?" She said sweetly, so sweetly, i wanted to kill her.

Bella just sat staring at her finger. I heard Jasper's breathing quicken as Bella's panic increased.

"How the hell is she still conscious?" Jasper moaned putting his head in his hands. He was right. With this many emotions, and the strength of them, she should be unconscious by now. i knew that if Jasper wasn't a vampire, he would be.

"Bella?" Her finger was still hovering above the buzzer, bella stared transfixed at it.

"N..n...no" It was obvious she hadn't spoken in a while. Her voice was hoarse, small and shaky. Her voice showed her fear, but despite all of this, it was still the most magical noise i had ever heard.

She stared at the finger hovering above the buzzer. She gave you what you asked, stop torturing her! I wanted to scream at her, but i couldn't.

"Why is that Bella? I was under the impression that you loved the Cullens" She said looking confused. How can she not see the effect this was having on Bella. Even i wouldn't go anywhere near Bella if i knew she would be like this. I wouldn't put her through that.

She didn't answer. She rose from her seat, seeming not aware of doing it, her body turned to run to the door. The doctor was having fun, pure, sadistic fun. She couldn't escape. The doors wouldn't open without the doctors authorisation, which i knew she would never give.

"Claustrophobic, panic, terror, dread.. I could go on" Jasper said wincing.

She walked backwards, getting as far away from the door and the doctor as possible. She froze as her back hit the wall. I could see the sweat as it covered her neck and forehead, her heartbeat so fast and loud that i feared it might jump out of her chest.

The doctor pressed the buzzer, the sound echoing around both rooms. Bella slid down the wall, her legs trembling, probably unable to keep her upright any longer. I hated this woman! How could she put Bella through this? She brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around arms around them, rocking backwards and forwards. Her body shook with violent tremors.

"She's feeling....pitiful, ashamed, small, humiliated" Jasper gulped, and had to sit down as he began to tremble as well.

The doctor smiled at Bella, and in that instant, i nearly ripped the door off it's hinges and killed her where she stood. Emmett and Carlisle stopped me, but i could see that it was half hearted. They wanted to as much as i did. I heard the woman's voice, distorted, coming through the speaker. I watched as Bellas eyes widened with fear and shock, her tremors becoming more violent.

"You can come in now" She said and stepped away from the speaker. She went back to her chair and sat watching Bella's face for any reactions. Her eyes never left the door. I heard her breathing completely stop and i looked worriedly at Carlisle. Both rooms became silent. the only noise was their two heartbeats and one breathing. We had all stopped breathing a long time ago.

"We have to go" carlisle said, reaching for the handle.

"She isn't ready!" Alice said desperately. She was willing to delay her reunion with Bella for her health.

"This might be our only chance to get back into Bella's life" Carlisle said, though i could tell he wouldn't enjoy it anymore than the rest of us.

Reaching fully, he gripped the door handle and turned it. It seemed to take years to turn, and i was still waiting for Bella to take breathe. I was still waiting. Carlisle opened the door slowly, not wanting to scare her any more than she already was. Maybe the shock, fear, lack of oxygen,or something else?

"Edward!" Jasper said desperately. Her emotions were fading, she was loosing consciousness. Why? Was it the shock? fear? lack of oxygen? Or something else?

Her eyes glazed over, and closed as she slumped against the wall and slid sidewards. She was out of it before she hit the floor. Carlisle's hand was frozen on the handle, no longer pushing it any further.

The doctor made no move to help her, just sitting in her chair watching her. I breathed out when i heard her breathing again. Carlisle opened the door fully, and froze when he saw Bella on the floor. Rushing over, at a human speed of course, he carefully checked her pulse and vitals for any dangers.

_She's too thin. She's cold and pale, if i didn't know better, i would think she was dead, or one of us _He thought sadly.

We all walked in, crowding the little room. The doctor had a huge smile on her face.

"Well, that went better than i expected" She said standing up. She had just angered seven vampires, not a clever thing to do.

"How can you say that?! Look what you did to her" I shouted at her, wanting to rip her head off, the others put calming hands on me, reminding me where i was. I could tell that they wanted to as well, but had more control than i did. At least when it came to Bella.

"I can say that because it was the first time she had moved on her own since she has been here. One of the first times she has spoken to me, and the first time i have seen any real emotion from her" She said, and despite everything, i couldn't help but be thankful that Bella made progress.

"The only thing is whether Bella will be better or worse" She said, frowning.

Walking away from her, and crouched down beside Carlisle who was checking Bella's pulse again. I looked down at her face, peaceful. You couldn't see the horrors she had been through, the emptiness of her eyes, but she was still beautiful. I picked her up carefully in my arms, tucking her head under my chin and turning around to face the woman.

"Where?" I said angrily.

She smiled at me, and scuttled over and pressed the buzzer on the door. She opened the door for me and i walked out into the very white room. Other patients were littered around the room with careers there with them. They all stopped and looked at us as we stepped out of the room. Ryan stood up immediately.

"Ryan, please direct Mr Cullen to Bella's quarters please" Dr Laura said sweetly. He jumped up, eyeing me suspiciously, and then looking at Bella in my arms.

_I knew she would take it too far, i knew it _His thoughts simmered as he signalled for me to follow him. He was angry at the woman, so she must do this allot.

He led me across the room, and to a door with no disernable markings to differenciate it from the others that lined the walls. He pressed yet another buzzer, and opened the door and let me in. Was everything in this place white? She had a white bed, white dresser, white walls, white door, white ceiling. I moved the quilt aside and put her on the bed, replacing the quilt so she wouldn't get cold.

Would she be okay? I had never seen her like that! Or anyone like that actually. How would she handle this? Would she be better or worse when she woke up? What should we do? Stick around or leave her alone? Ugh! This was impossible!

I stood back and watched her, listening as she breathed in and out. The rest of my family poured into the room, filling every space available. Everyone just stared at Bella as she lay there. Everyone had the same thought in their heads.

_What do we do now?_

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	6. Reality

**Disclaimer- I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT**

**Bella's Perspective**

I wasn't asleep, there were no peaceful dreams to dull the pain and panic that gripped me. Nor was i awake, reality was numbed slightly, and i couldn't feel my body at all. I was somewhere in between. I was in hell.

My mind kept on re-living those moments. The doctors sinister smile, the door opening, the blackness. Was it real? Was it all a dream? I stayed in the void for god knows how long. Time lost all meaning to me, and all too soon, i was being shook lightly by Ryan. I opened my eyes grudgingly, looking at my white ceiling.

"Bella, are you okay? After the meeting-" He said more but his voice faded from my hearing range.

Oh my god! They were here! They saw me like that! I can't believe it! But, why were they here? How did they know? They left never to come back. I thought i was getting better. Was that why they came? Because i was getting better? Was it supposed to be some sort of reward? I couldn't face them, not now, not ever. They couldn't ever see me like this. So vulnerable and weak, so ashamed.

If the Cullens came because i was getting better, i would have to get worse. It wouldn't be too hard, i felt like i would fall apart any minute.

"Bella? Bella? Can you hear me?" Ryan said shaking me slightly. My eyes never left the ceiling, my face remained blank, like it usually does. But, usually Ryan doesn't wake me up, and i usually make eye contact with him. He is the only one i actually respond to now, but i couldn't.

Ryan nearly ran out, shouting for the doctors to check on me. I knew i was worrying him, but.......i was too weak to see the Cullens.

The doctors came in, and checked me over. I wouldn't move or speak to any of them, i could see Ryan in my peripheral vision, chewing his nails nervously. I blocked out their voices, so i became deaf. I could shut out all sound around me, it was very useful sometimes. It was a talent i had acquired when the Cullens left. Hey, i can say/ think their names now! Well, that was a little step forward. A minute step forward.

Seen as there were no clocks or windows for time markers, i don't know how long i stayed in my room for. We slept when we got tired, we ate when we were hungry, no timetable was set. That was how things were here. They very rarely opened the blinds to the window, relying on artificial light to brighten the room. I did move a few times. I walked to the toilet twice a day- with Ryan dragging me all the way, and then i would return to my bed and lay there staring at the ceiling.

I live in a mental institution, so that means that, obviously, i am mental. But, i don't feel mental, or crazy. Yeah, i feel--well i don't know how i feel. But I'm not crazy, i don't think. Yeah, i have hallucinations sometimes, and hear voices and have breakdowns, but-- actually it does pretty much sound like i am mental. Wow! I'm crazy.

I discovered that it had been six days since i had woken up and.....done nothing. I hadn't eaten or drunk anything since before the session. Ryan kept on trying to get me eat, but i wouldn't budge. I could see how distraught he was, he saw me as his little sis- true Emmett style. They threatened me with drips, and forced feeding, but i stayed silent.

I knew that if i had kept on getting better, i would have eventually get to leave this place. Thanks to the Cullens i was right back to square one. But was that such a bad thing? I had no-one left. I had no family or friends to take me in, and i would surely be put in an care home again. But who would want to foster me? My entire family and all of my friends were murdered. Anyone who took me in would be too scared of me to do anything. Besides, I'm a nutter, that alone would frighten potential families away. So, as much as i hated Brenright, it was my home now, and i was going to be here for a very long time.

So, my sixth night of sleep. I had nightmares again, like i did every night, but these ones were worse. The Cullens were among the dead, they were the only ones left alive, the corpses of my family and friends littered the ground, stained with crimson blood. The Cullens were all on their knees in front of me begging me for forgiveness. That's when i realised i was the one holding the bloody knife, i was the murderer. Quite symbolic really. It was my fault all of my friends and family dies, i killed them. But, i wasn't sure where the Cullens came into it.

As usual, Ryan sat watching me and came and calmed me down, stroking my hair and whispering comforting words in my ear. He was the only one i would allow to touch me, and that took a while to achieve as well. I didn't trust anyone, and as much as i loved him, i still had reservations about Ryan too. Of course i didn't respond to his calming words, speaking back or smiling, but i appreciated it all the same and soon drifted off to sleep again.

I woke up the next day, i assumed it was morning. I laid in the same position i woke up in and was staring at the ceiling for a while, not thinking or moving, just staring. I then realised that Ryan couldn't be in the room with me. As soon as i woke up he was there speaking to me and trying to convince me that i needed to eat. But what was the point? Who or what was i living for? No-one cared about me. And I didn't care enough about myself to do it for me. I knew i was effectively giving up, and they would eventually force me to eat or stick a tube in me, but i didn't care.

But, i thought he always had to be in the room with me, that was the rule. We were all deemed "unsafe" and "volatile". How could i be volatile? I wouldn't even move!

I knew Ryan wasn't in the room with me from the lack of movement and noise. But there was someone there with me, i could feel it. The camera that was in the top, far corner of my room twisted and turned and i knew they were watching me. Someone was in here with me. Who?

I stayed completely still, waiting for a rustle of clothing, the sound of breathing...but nothing. No-one can be that still. No-one......human. Was one of them in my room?

My breathing accelerated as i thought about being this close to one of them. I wasn't sure if it was out of fear or happiness though. I needed to know they were real, needed real proof that they weren't just a product of my hallucinations. But if one of them was here, what would i do? Who would it be?

My hands unconsciously fisted in the sheets, and i started to hyperventilate. I bet the doctor will love this, I'm finally reacting to something. I hated that woman.

"Bella?" Oh my god! It was Carlisle! He must have heard my heart beat quicken or something. But why was he here? There was no possible reason for it.

_Is he even real? _My mind said.

Was he just an hallucination? That actually made more sense than him being here. After everything Edward told me, i would never be seeing any of them ever again. So was he really here or not?

I still didn't move. I had learnt to ignore hallucinations, if you reacted to something or someone that wasn't there, it tipped the doctors off and you would be sent off for a round of tests. I knew, i had been there. My eyes were trained on the white ceiling, never moving. My hand slowly unfisted and my heart rate decreased. Hallucinations don't scare me, they aren't real.

The room was silent for a while. The sound of the buzzer, and the door clicking open filled the tiny space.

"Bella, here's some breakfast" He laid the bowl of cereal on my bed side table and stood looking at me for a while. I heard him sigh, then turn and leave the room. Ha! Carlisle couldn't be there! Ryan didn't even acknowledge him, so he couldn't have been there.

The door clicked again, as the door closed and the room was silent again.

"Aren't you going to eat your beak fast Bella?" I heard him say, his voice laced with worry.

I just sighed, and let my eyes close. Maybe i could remember his voice perfectly, i smiled a little at the thought. I wiped it back off though. I wanted to look at him, to see how good my memory was. He was the closest thing i had to a dad i had now, since Charlie and Phil were...gone. I felt my eyes tear up as i crossed one of my boundaries.

_Don't think of them! remember what happened last time? _

My councillor told me to let it all go. That it wasn't healthy to keep it all bottled up inside, and i had to think of my family and friends in order to move on. Before, i had been numb to the pain, unable to face it all. But, i took her advice and let it out. Well.......i had a breakdown, so that was sucessful! All of the emotions that came down on me in a single second were incomprehensible, and i promised never to go through that again. Honestly, i wasn't sure i could go through it again.

"Bella, are you okay?" He sounded so concerned, so like he used to. I longed to just turn my head and look at him. But i wouldn't allow myself to do it.

So we sat in silence. I wondered why i was having an hallucination of Carlisle. All of my hallucinations were of the people i had witnessed d-. I stopped myself before i went too far and broke down again. Obviously, the hallucination was triggered by the doctors announcement that the Cullens were behind a door. But i began to wonder....

Were they really there? She knew what to do, and what questions to ask, getting directly to the point. She would have known what seeing them would do to me, and pushed me. She could have just wanted to see my reactions to them, telling me how close they were.

_But their scent, it was there _

But, it made no sense. None of this did. I was getting a head ache.

I don't know how long i sat there, mind blank, eyes staring, like i said before, there are no time markers. Eventually, the door buzzed and clicked open. I knew it was Ryan. He whispered something to me, but i didn't react. But, i heard Carlisles clothes rustle as he stood up, the old wooden chair creaking in protest. He walked to the door, and i heard him whisper a "good-bye".

I smiled, glad that my hallucinations hadn't forgotten how polite Carlisle really was. I was glad i wasn't forgetting anything.

"How was she?" I heard Ryan ask someone, the door was still open and he stood in the doorway.

I heard a sigh. "She didn't move, speak or eat at all. I saw her eyes tear up for a moment but that was it" He sounded so sad, i wanted to comfort him. But it would look weird to hug air. Did he really expect Ryan to respond to him, he isn't eve----

"I know, I've been watching. I don't know what to do, i hate to see her like this. She's gone back to how she was when she first came here" Ryan responded to Carlisle. But.....how? Carlisle is my hallucination, no one can hear or see him apart from me.

"I fear that we are doing more harm than good" They were having a conversation! He was real! oh my god! Carlisle has been sat in my room for hours and i haven't said or done anything.

"Don't give up. She's strong. Anyone else would have given up after the accident, but she kept on going. I think she can get through this, maybe even getting even better than before" Ryan said, and i was touched by how much he believed in me, a lot more than i did. But....Carlisle was here! He was stood in my doorway. So, that means.....they really were there i the session.

They saw me like that! I thought mortified at the thought of any of them seeing me so weak.

"Well, I'll see you" Ryan said, politely, sighing again.

"It was good to meet you, and see Bella again" Carlisle said nicely. Wait! He was leaving? No!

I heard the door click, and the room was silent again.

Did i want to speak to him? He was my dad, no matter what he did to me. He was the closest thing i had to a parent. Despite all they have done, i still loved them. Yes.....i hated them too. If they had stayed, everyone would be alive and okay, i wouldn't be in here. If only i was good enough for Ed- him. But....i loved them too. They were my family, my brothers and sisters, my best friend. But, why were they here? Did they want me back? Did want to go back?

Yes, the answer was obvious. But, what about Edward? I knew he didn't love me anymore, and i wasn't sure i could handle seeing him yet. Wouldn't it be uncomfortable for his family to be here with me, and he isn't?

What if that wasn't why Carlisle was here? He is a doctor, what if he just branched out and got a job here? What if this was all a coincidence, and they didn't want anything to do with me?

I sighed. I wouldn't know until i asked him. And i would ask him, i think. If i could build the courage to do it. But, when was he going to come back again. He was coming back, wasn't he? What if he wasn't? I never got to talk to him?

Shocked by this, and mortified by my own stubbornness, i sat up and ripped the covers away from me. I jumped out of bed, and ran to the door. Before i could get there, two arms wrapped around my waist, stopping me in my tracks, feet from the door. I thrashed against them. He was getting away! I could visualise him getting in his car and driving away.

Tears ran down my face as i slumped in defeat, giving up again.

"Bella? Whats wrong?" I hadn't realised Ryan had come back in the room. He walked me back to my bed and sat me down on the edge of it, sitting next to me and letting me lean on him. My sobs getting louder as i became frantic. I might never see him ever again! I was so stupid!

"Bella, come on! Whats wrong?" I could tell by his tone, that Ryan was worried about my outburst. I mean, i hadn't spoken, moved or shown any emotion in a week, and now here i was running and crying.

"He's gone" I choked out, crying harder. Ryan rubbed my back soothingly.

"You mean Dr. Cullen?" He said gently.

"Carlisle's gone and i might never see him again" I whimpered as i turned my head into his chest, trying to smother the sobs that were getting louder.

"You will see him again Bella. He's coming back tomorrow to see you" he said, never stopping rubbing my back.

My sobs stopped, and i froze.

"He....he's coming back....to..tomorrow?" I stuttered out, shocked.

"yeah, so don't get upset Bella. You'll see him in a few hours" he said. I smiled to myself, i could still tell him.

I became suddenly very tired and i leaned heavily on Ryan.

"Come on, you've had a long day. You need some rest" he said laying me down and pulling the covers over me.

"How long was he here for?" I slurred my words slightly but he understood,

"He was here for an hour before you woke up, then another five before he left" he said quietly.

Six hours! He sat there for six hours?! He must have gotten so bored! I feel really bad now, i should have spoken to him or something.

_Well, you did think he was an hallucination, give yourself a break! _

"Will he be here when i wake up?" My eyes fluttered closed but i waited for an answer.

"That depends on how long you sleep for" he said, as i heard him move the bowl of uneaten cereal.

I smiled when i thought about waking up to Carlisle again.

"I love that smile" I heard Ryan whisper before leaving the room.

I couldn't wait to see him again! Well, see him, i didn't look at him this time. But.... what if he doesn't come alone? What if he brings another one with him? My mind sieved through the possibilities, but i could only stay awake for so long.

I drifted into a peaceful sleep. And for the first time, i couldn't wait to wake up!

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	7. Freedom

**Disclaimer- I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT**

**bELLA'S PERSPECTIVE........**

I have never felt happier here. As i fell into a deep sleep, i could still feel the excitment and happiness bubbling within me. I would see him when i woke up! I will see him!

But....

What will i say to him? Does he know what happened? Does he think i'm crazy? Why is he here?

Despite Ryans reassurances, i was still not fully convinced that all of this was actually real. The Cullens returning was something out of my dreams, and was, actually something i had dreamt about a lot when they left. I had never imagined it quite like this though. Me in an assylem, and them him visiting me. Not the ideal way to do it, but still, i wouldn't turn it down.

I thought about the chance that he may just be here because he's my doctor, but i didn't care. I would just be happy that he was here, and i could look him, and hear his voice.

I woke, unaware that i had fallen asleep. Who thinks in their sleep and remembers it?

_Well....you are crazy_ I reasoned.

I realised that, that was one of the first nights of peaceful, and empty sleep i had had in months. I loved it.

I looked around them room, expectantly but the old wooden chair was empty.

_Must have woken up too early_ I realised.

Though i couldn't help the feeling of loneliness and stupidity that welled up inside me.

_Why would he even come and see you? Look at you! You're a mess! _

_No, Ryan said he was visiting me! He does care! _I thought back.

But....it made more sense for him not to. I never understood how they could like me in the first place, so them leaving made sense to me. But them coming back....made even less sense. I have been so blind!

I felt so stupid for actually believing that he would turn up, so silly for believing in things that should stay in my dreams. Berating myself, i let my eyes droop and i fell into another deep sleep. Only, i wasn't happy or excited anymore. I didn't want to wake up, i didn't want to face the rejection when i looked over and found the chair empty. I just couldn't.

The peaceful and empty sleep didn't come. It was an accessory to the happiness and since they were gone too, the emptiness was gone as well. Nightmares replaced the emptiness i loved.

My nightmare was worse than usual.

I was in the woods, where the others had been killed, but i wasn't alone. None of my family or friends were there, only the Cullens. It was night, the moon casting trees and shrubs into shadow. Silence screamed at me. Not one animal scuttled too and frow among the plants, no wind ruffled and bent the trees and bushes. The night was still, momentarily.

A shrill scream brought my eyes towards the bodies in front of me. The Cullens were laid around me, all twisted in unnatural positions. And were all covered in their own blood.**(I know vamps don't bleed, but it's a dream, so go along with it)**

Once again, the knife was in my hand, and i looked down at the body at my feet. Alice. It was her that screamed, i realised. No happy smile, or bubbly giggle greeted me, only the pain etched on her face. I wanted to hug her, to comfort her, to apologize, but i couldn't. I wasn't in control of my body anymore. Not in this dream.

They didn't beg this time though. No.

"I hate you! You've destroyed my family!" Esme screamed at me, her face contorted in pain.

Esme? She hated me? But.....she loved everyone! I wanted to cry, to beg for her forgivness, but once again, i couldn't.

I stood and listened as they all insulted me. Saying that they never cared for me, that i was just a game that they got bored of. But one comment hurt more than the rest.

"Bella, how could you do this? How could i have ever stayed with someone like you?" His eyes were black with anger.

I felt someone shaking me, saying my name over and over again. But it was like background noise to me, distant and faint.

"I-" Edward began.

"_Bella, come on, wake up!" _I heard the voice say, trying to get me out of this nightmare.

_"_Hate"

_"Bella, it's just a dream. Come on, wake up!" _It sounded pained.

"You" Edward snarled at me.

My knees buckled and i landed on the forest floor hard. The bloody knife fell from my hand as i wrapped my arms around my waist, keeping myself in one piece.

"Well, well, well. Long time no see Bella"

I looked up, not expecting what i saw.

All traces of the Cullens were gone. No blood, no bodies, just grass and earth. The only thing there, was my real nightmare. the one that doesn't go away when i woke up. The one that ruined my life.

Victoria.

I looked up, tears blurring my vision. Her black eyes making her seem even more pale, her wild orange hair billowing around her despite the lack of breeze.

I was fully in control now though. I didn't want to fight anymore. I wanted to give in, to just stop all of this. Tears streaked down my face, my body trembled.

"Aww...poor Bella. Have they left again. Too bad you were never enough for them. But...you are just a little, insignificant human afterall" She said sweetly, with her strange bubblegum voice.

I didn't reply.

"Don't worry, this will be quick. I have help" She said with a smirk. Suddenly, all seven Cullens stood behind Victoria, glaring at me.

I was just relieved. There was no blood on them, no injuries at all. They were okay. I nearly laughed as i felt the joy. But, then they spoke up.

"You killed all of those people Bella" Alice said nicely.

"So many people" Jasper said glaring.

"It's all your fault" Emmett shouted at me. I winced and the tears became more frequent.

"No..please....it's not.....I'm sorry.....i tried......couldn't" I got out inbetween sobs.

"We don't care. You ruined everything. And now.....you have to pay" Carlisle said, oddly calm.

"_Bella, come on! It's not real! _

I saw them all crouch before jumping at me, snarling and growling. I bowed my head against my chest, and waited. The sounds of the frowling and snarling got louder, but i felt nothing.

All around me was darkness, no light penetrated the veil of black that surrounded me. The noises became deafening to me. One voice- Victoria- whispered somthing, souding like she was right next to me. I wanted to cringe away from her, but i couldn't move.

"It's.......all.........your........fault" he said slowly, drawing out every word.

"No!" I screamed, bolting upright. My eyes flew open, wondering where i would find myself, the forest or my bed? I didn't know if i was happy to know i was in my bed. But the dramatic change in noise left me disorientated.

The rapid change from complete blackness, to bright white, had my eyes blinded for a while. My entire body trembled as i brought my knees up to my chest, and hid my head behind them. Tears ran freely from my eyes, and i didn't even try to stop them, knowing it was a pointless attempt. My breathing came out as gasps as i struggled to get a grip. The quilt and bed covers were twisted and damp from sweat.

I didn't know which one was worse. Reality, where i was alone, crazy, and rejected. Or dreams, where i was hated, a killer, but, i could see all of the people i had lost. It was a tough call.

I heard the buzz of the door, and it open roughly. Whoever it was stopped midstep.

"She woke up about thirty seconds ago" A low, but calming voice said.

"Bella? Bells, you okay?" I heard Ryan put something on the bedside table, and walk towards me. The bed tilted slightly as he sat down near me. I felt his hand in my shoulder, trying to soothe me.

"Shhh......it's okay" he said gently. Why was he shushing me? Oh, i was sobbing. Loudly.

He pulled my arms from around my legs and pulled me onto his lap. I didn't put up any resistance, all of my resolve was gone. I kenw he wasn't aloud to do this, he could get a warning or even sacked, but he didn't seem to care. Doing this, forced me to show my face to him. I didn't care what i looked like, i haven't since the Cullens left.

Whats the point in looking good if there is no-one good to look for? I wouldn't do it for myself, so i just...stopped. It helped that we all wore the same styled clothed day in, day out.

Gradually, my sobs faded to hiccups, and the tears stopped. But the images didn't. I could replay every word said in that dream, every facial expression. It tore me apart inside.

"Bella?" Ryan had stayed silent throughout my cry, letting me get it out of my system. I could feel him stroking away the last lingering tear on my cheek, but i didn't stop him like i would anyone else. Like i said, he was like Emmett, i loved him like a brother.

I opened my eyes, looking at his concerned face. I didn't know which emotion my face betrayed, and i wasn't trying to hide it. I had sucessfully hidden my emotion for seven months, but now..... How could i possibly conceal all of this? I couldn't.

"What happened Bella? You were in such a good mood when you went to sleep." His forehead creased as he waited for my answer.

"I woke up too early and........no-one was here" I whispered. I think Ryan heard me, but anyone further away would have to be a vampire to hear me.

He nodded, understandingly. He knew me better than anyone. No-one knew _this _Bella anymore. Everyone left remembers the little, quiet, shy, blushing daughter of Chief Charlie Swan. I doubted anyone would even recognise me anymore. I was thinner than i was....allot thinner. My hair wasn't as long, and had lost all of it's shine, my face was even paler than it was, and....as i had been told......i looked dead. Of course, this was what i had been told. I don't look at my reflection at all, because i'm afraid of what i'll see.

I pushed myself off his lap, and sat up on my bed by myself. I kept my eyes down on the sheets that my hands were fisted in. I was ashamed of my outburst. Ryan had never seen me cry before, i always hid it. I was pulled out of my own little horrible world but Ryans voice.

"Bella?......" he sounded hesitant, something that didn't happen often. I looked up.....and froze.

Carlisle

He was sat on the old wooden chair, looking at me with a little smile on his lips. My eyes widened with....so many emotions. Happiness, elation, fear, sadness, horror, mortification, embarrassment.

"Bella? Bella, are you okay? I wasn't sure if he should stay or not....." he trailed off, looking at me, judging his decision.

I ignored him totally, my eyes fixed on Carlisle.

"C.....Carlisle?" I asked. This couldn't be real. It just couldn't.

"Bella" His smile broadened, but he didn't move from his chair.

Oh no! Did.....did he see my nightmare? God! How embarrassing! How long has he been there? What had he heard me say?

"I told you he would come, didn't i?" Ryan smiled a little.

I nodded, still too shocked to decide whether i was happy or not.

"Bella, it's time for your shower" he said. I do stink. Having nightmares and sweating does certainly have it's draw backs.

Ryan got up, lifted the covers away from my pyjama clad legs. He freed me from the tangles of sheets, me just staring at Cralisle, aftraid that if i looked away, he would disappear. Ryan extended a hand to me, and i took it, still staring at Carlisle.

His smile never faded as he met my stare with a friendly gaze. I stood up, Ryan helping me, i still didn't have the best balance in the world. Ryan put one hand on the small of my back, pushing me along. The wooden chair that Carlisle was seated in was on the same wall as the door, but in the opposite corner.

"You can go to the staff canteen if you want" Ryan said looking over at Carlisle.

Our eye contact died as he looked above me to Ryan, still smiling. "That's okay, i'll wait".

I don't really know what forced me to do it. I mean, this couldn't be real, it was just too good to be true. But, Ryan was having a conversation with him, which proves that he really is here. But, that's impossible. You see my dialema. I knew that hallucinations weren't solid, because they were merely an image produced by your mind.

I stepped away from Ryan hands, but turned away from the door, towards Carlisle.

"Bella!" Ryan warned, trying to pull me back to the door. I wouldn't go. Like i said before, we were supposed to be "dangerous" to people. But, how could i hurt Carlisle? I couldn't, i mean.....i just couldn't. Besides, he's a vampire. The only thing i could hurt are his feelings.

Slowly, i walked up to him. Ryan followed, but a slight nod from Carlisle made him back up again into the far corner.

He never moved out of the chair, and we never broke eye contact again. The smile was still on his face when i reached him.

"Carlisle?" I said hesitantly, expecting him to disappear again.

"Yes Bella. I'm here" he said smiling, his eyes soft as they looked into mine.

"But.......that doesn't make sense" I said quietly. I wanted to believe him, really i did. But, i couldn't.

Well, i couldn't until he did what i ached to do. He grabbed my hand, holding in both of his. I gasped as i felt his skin. The temperature didn't bother me, nor did the hardness. Just the fact that it was there, left me reeling.

"Your....your real?" I couldn't believe it. Carlisle was here, now, in my room, holding my hand, looking at me.

He nodded, patient as ever.

Yes, i am aware that i stink of sweat, and probably look like hell, but i couldn't control myself. I launched myself at him, even thought there was less than a foot between us. Since he was at chest height, i wrapped my arms around his neck, resting my head on his head. I waited for his reaction, expecting him to push me away. But, i felt his arms around my waist and his head rest against my chest.

"I missed you" I whispered knowing he would hear me perfectly.

"I missed you too Bella" He said loud enough for me to hear. I could have sworn his body heaved a few times from silent sobs, but i wasn't sure. Tears leaked from my eyes, rolling down my cheeks and disappearing in his hair. His arms tightened around me in responce. I could have stayed like that forever, damn Ryan!

"Bella, sorry, but we have to go" he said, moving behind me, tuggin on my arm. I wouldn't let it move.

I felt Carlisles arms slacken around me and my sobs got hysterical.

"No! NO! I can't leave! NO!" I clung to his neck, burying my head in his hair.

"I aren't going anywhere Bella, i promise. I'm not leaving without my daughter" he said, pulling my arms from him and making me look him in the eye. I couldn't help him, the conviction i saw in them was overwhelming.

Nodding, i let Ryan lead me out of the room. I practically ran to the shower room, Ryan behind me.

"Can you-" he asked. I interrupted, knowing full well what he would say. He asks me every time i have a shower if i need any assistance.

"Yes" I said, trurning and entering the huge room. I got into the first cubicle, and stripped off in record time, jumping the shower. I didn't even mind when the i didn't wait long enough and the water was still cold. I scrubbed my hair twice, making sure it was clean, then scrubbed my body, getting all the sweat and grime off me. I didn't waste any time relaxing in the water like the doctors tell us.

Getting out, and nearly slipping on the wet tiled floor, i dried off. Grabbing the new pair of clothes- identical to my previous ones- i got into them, nearly hanging myself when i, in my hurry, tried to shove my head through the sleeve. Shoving my wet towel and clothes in the basket for washing, i ran to the door.

I banged on the door, letting Ryan know i was done. I heard him swipe his card and i pushed the door open, nearly knocking him over in the process. I didn't let him recover though. I grabbed his arm and i was the one dragging him to my door. I stopped a few feet from it.

What if he isn't there? What if he left?

"Come on Bella" Ryan encouraged, pushing me forward and into the room. I nearly screamed when i saw him still there, sat in the same position on the chair. This time he rose when we came in. I ran up to him again, a huge smile on my face, and wrapped my arms around his waist. I sighed happily, i felt safer than i had doen in a long time, though i was unaware that i hadn't felt safe.

I felt his arms go around my waist as well, as he laid his head on mine, and i laid my head on his chest. I felt him stroking my damp hair, sighing as well. I closed my eyes, wanting to stay like this forever. I never wanted to let go, never ever.

He pulled away slightly, concern evident in his eyes. "Bella, please eat something" He pleaded.

That caught me by surpirise. Well, my lastest fast had taken it's toll on me. I was weaker, not much, but i noticed it.

Nodding, i pulled away from his arms, but grabbed his hand, wanting to stay connected to him. I had never been this intimate with Carlisle before. Yeah, we hugged, but we were never so.....open. He let me lead him, which made me laugh a little.

"Bella?" I looked over at a starstruck Ryan. I could only giggle in response, his face was priceless.

It felt like i was riding on cloud nine. I felt so happy right now that i couldn't help but smile. I ate my breakfast, Carlisle sitting with me this time, not Ryan. Though i could see him watching me closely, i didn't mind too much. I was used to being watched by now, it was a constant thing in here. After breakfast, Ryan approached us.

"Would you like to go to the gardens?" He looked at me. I felt my eyes widen with wonder.

"R...really?" I said, shocked. I had never been to the gardens before, the closest i had got was behind a glass window.

He nodded, smiling at us both. "You need some privacy" I snorted at that. There was no privacy here. They both ignored that, but Carlisle looked at me questioningly. Ryan got out the keys from his pocket, and started to walk to the french doors that led to the gardens. I got up, pulling Carlisle with me. I heard him chuckle behind me at my eagerness, and i must admit, we must look pretty funny.

When we got to the doors, Ryan still hadn't unlocked all four locks. I stood bouncing up and down with anticipation, i heard another chuckle from Carlisle. Finally, he unlocked all of them, and pushed the doors open. All the people- staff and patients- stopped what they were doing and looked at us. I wasn't paying much attention to them though.

I had been here for seven months, and i hadn't been outside, i hadn't even seen the sky. I stared out of the doors longingly. It was cloudy, but not cold. The doors led straight to the patio, which had five white -of course- plastic tables, each with four plastic chairs around them. There was a slight slope, leading onto the big garden. There were trees and flowers everywhere, it was beautiful.

Still holding Carlisles hand tightly, i walked hesitantly out of the doors. I took a deep breathe, loving the clean fresh air. I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face. Ryan didn't come out with us, but shut the door, and moved so he was watching us out of a window. I tilted my head back and looked at the grey cloudy sky, marveling in it.

I suddenly wasn't sure what to do. What if he didn't want to talk? What if he asked the......the questions that send me over the edge?

I felt Carlisled hand squeeze mine slightly in encouragement. "Come on, Bella" he said quietly, leading me to a chair.

I never let go of his hand as we sat down. We didn't speak for a while, just sat there staring at each other. I had to apologize though.

"Carlisle........" I paused.

"What is it?" he rubbed circles on my hand with his thumb, soothing my anxiety.

"I'm sorry about yesterday" I said looking at my lap.

"Why are you sorry Bella?" he sounded confused.

"It's......it's just that....i couldn't believe you were actually here, and i thought you were just another hallucination, so i ignored you. But when i heard you leaving, and Ryan spoke to you, i realised you were real" I said fast, ashamed to admit that i had hallucinations.

"Why did you only believe it when Ryan spoke to me?" I looked up confused. Did he not know the basics about hallucinations?

"'cos hallucinations are what your mind makes, only you can see them, and if you were a hallucination, Ryan wouldn't have been able to see or speak to you" I explained to him.

"And-" I was about to apologize again, but he interrupted me.

"Are you going to apologize again?" he chuckled a little. I smiled guiltily and nodded.

"Same old Bella" He said quietly, shaking his head slightly. What? I aren't the same Bella he knew. Should i tell him?

_No, you might scare him away. Let him figure it out for himself _I reasoned.

"I've missed you Carlisle" I said honestly.

"Bella, I've missed you too. We all have, we haven't been the same since-" he stopped as i ducked my head, hiding my tears from him.

"Please don't" I whispered.

I heard the plastic grate against the slabs as he moved closer to me.

"Bella, what's wrong?" Why did he care so much?

No! You can't think like that! Carlisle's here, don't scare him away by insulting him!

I took a few deep breathes, and stopped the tears. Sniffing a little i loked up to see Carlisle looking like his heart was breaking. I opened my mouth to apologize, but he shook his head, a smile on his lips. I couldn't help but smile back.

"Were you all really here last week?" I gulped, dreading the answer. I needed to know if that was real.

"Yeah, we were all there" he said, careful not to mention any of the others like he did before.

I moaned, putting my head in my hands in embarrassment. They heard everything! Even.......Edward? Oh God! Was he there?

"There's nothing no be embarrassed about Bella. This is hard for you, we all understand that. We aren't going to push you" He said nicely, but i couldn't help getting irritated. That's how the doctor sounded, all condescending and sympathetic. But......this is Carlisle, not that bitch of a doctor.

I nodded. I had one question, well, allot actually, but this one was a biggie.

"Carlisle......why are you here?" I looked him in the eye. My sanity rested on his answer. If he said he was just my doctor- i don't know how i would handle it, if i handled it at all.

"I'm here Bella, because i care about you" he soothed, not noticing how angry he was making me.

"But why do you care?" I said quietly, trying not to shout at him.

"Because you're my daughter" he sounded like that could answer every question in the world. But, i couldn't stop myself from shouting this time.

"DAUGHTER?! YOU LEFT ME BEHIND! YOU DON'T LEAVE YOUR FAMILY BEHIND! IF YOU CARED, YOU WOULD HAVE NEVER HAVE LEFT" I screamed at him, regretting it instantly. I had never shouted at Carlisle, he was my father figure, and because of that, he was respected.

I looked away from his eyes, looking at my lap trying to control my anger. I couldn't shout at Carlisle! He IS here, and you are shouting at him for it?! I heard him sigh, and looked up cautiously, to see him running his hand through his hair, messing it up.

"Bella, we do care. That was why we left in the first place. After what happened on your birthday, we decided it was too dangerous for you to be around us. We didn't want to leave, we haven't been the same since" he actually sounded in pain, i looked up to see his face crumpled in pain. I couldn't help myself, i leaned over and hugged him, apologizing over and over again. We hugged me tightly, like i had hugged him when i first saw him. He pulled back after a while, gripping my hand fiercely, but not painfully.

"Bella, if we had known this would happen, we would have never left. We wanted to make you safe, and then-"I cut him off.

"You know about the accident?" he nodded "How? Are you back in Forks?"

"I went back to pick up some papers, wanting to see you. But...the people at the hospital were....less than inviting. An old friend explained what happened as best he could, and gave me all of the information to-" This isn't good.

"What information?" I felt my face going cold, loosing colour. My hand trembled in his.

"It's okay. Each patient has a box, it has all of their doctors notes in it...photos" I cringed but he wasn't done "And.....DVD's of the...phyciatrist sessions" he said quietly. I went totally still.

no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no NO!

"Bella? Bella, it's okay." he tried to soothe me. How is it okay? His family saw me at my weakest, my most vulnerable. I was a mess, i still am.

"We don't judge you Bella, not at all. This is our fault, all of this. If we had stayed, none of this would have happened. I know you agree with me as well" he smiled a little. It eased my anxiety a little.

"Only sometimes" I allowed.

We stayed silent for a while, but i felt bed "I interrupted you before, you were telling me about getting the information.." Anything to get rid of the silence! I needed to hear his voice.

"Well, he gave me the box, and a few warnings as well." he sighed, i could guess what the warnings were about. When something bad happens, Forks groups together, as becomes a force to be reconned with.

"We told me that if i wanted to get back into your life, i should call here. He warned me that...it might make this worse, but we couldn't turn away when there was a chance we could help you, even if it was infintesimal" he said warmly.

"Do....do you know about...the.....accident?" I choked out. Of course he knew! He watched the DVD's, they all probably did.

He nodded. "I am so sorry that you had to go through that all on your own. We shou-" I cut in.

"Carlisle, there is no point in lingering in the past. If we do....then there is no point in living" I sounded like a fortune cookie.

_Hypocrite! _My mind screamed at me.

"I know, but-" I shot him a warning glare and he smiled a little as an apology.

"It said.....that you haven't told anyone about it" he said quietly. I hoped that wouldn't come up. I didn't know if i could even talk about it, i couldn't even think about it without breaking down.

"I.....can't" I whispered.

"But.....you said on one of the DVD's that you could have told a group of people, but they left. Was that us?" I nodded.

"Can you tell me?" He asked thoughtfully.

I thought it through. What if i said no? Would he leave? Was that why he was here, to get answers from me? Did the doctor send him? But, what if i did tell him? He couldn't do anything anyway.

"There's no point" I said sadly, hoping he would drop the subject. But....what if he left? Dread made it's way through me. He couldn't leave!

"You don't have to tell me everything. But.. one the DVD you said that it was something to do with us, and only we could know because we already know part of it" he quoted me. I sighed. maybe i would have to give him a hint.

I turned away as if to look over the gardens, hiding my face from Ryan, aware that he was watching us closely.

"I can't tell anyone. Not one soul Carlisle. But you deserve to know part of it" I surrendered.

He sat in silence waiting for me to say something. I looked at the security camera that was on the wall behind me, and turned away. Carlisle got the message and turned away from it and the window as well, so we could speak in private.

"I can only tell you because, well...........it has something to do with your kind" A gasp told me that he understood.

"Are...are you telling me that...that a......vampire" he whispered the word" did this?" he sounded apaulled and disgusted.

I nodded. "Do you see why i can't tell anyone? I'm already in a mental home, imagine what they would do if i started sprouting storied about vampires?" It really was catch 22. I was bound by a promise to the Cullens, but a promise that, as a result, led me to be unresponsive.

We sat in silence for a while, thinking about what i had said. The french doors opening made us both jump.

"Sorry Dr. But visiting time is over" He said sadly, looking at me.

Tears pooled in my eyes. No! He can't leave! What if he never comes back? I can't be alone again! I can't!

Carlisle got up, still holding my hand, pulling me up too. He looked at my face, and he looked as destressed as me. We both hugged each other fiercely, neither wanting to let go of the other.

"Please don't go!" I pleaded with him, tears rolling down my face. Too many people have left, i can't take anymore.

"I'll be back tomorrow, i promise" I shook my head. Promises meant little to me anymore. They promised they would stay with me forever, and they left.

Seeing my disbelieving face, he pulled the sleeve of his jumper up. Confused as to what he was doing, i watched. He had a Cullen crest cuff, as well as a ring. He took off the cuff and gave it to me.

"I will be back. You are a Cullen, no matter what else you might be, and we come back for our family" He said kindly.

I couldn't express myself in words, so i hugged him again, and this time i knew he was sobbing too.

He pulled away, grabbing my hand and leading us inside where Ryan was waiting to close the doors. He walked over to the door that visitors and staff come in, and stopped.

Turning around, his eyes were unsure.

"Bella, i loved seeing you today" Oh no " But it isn't fair for me to be the only one seeing you. Everyone misses you so much Bella, i was wondering if i could bring Esme tomorrow?" he looked open, i could say no if i wanted, but i didn't want to.

They were the closest thing to parents i had now, how could i pass up a chance to see her again. Esme! I missed her so much.

I nodded, and we hugged again, and he kissed my cheek before he disappeared behind the door. The second the door closed the all the feelings and doubts came back again. Would he come back? Would he want to? Was this real?  
Despite all the evidence i still had trouble accepting that this all wasn't a dream. My life had been a nightmare, so why should it change now? Would i ever see him again.

I looked down at the cuff in my hand and smiled.

_He'll come back_

**Please review!!!!!  
Please Please Please please Please Please!!!!!!  
What do you think?**


	8. Progress

**DISCLAIMER- I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT**

**EDWARD'S PERSPECTIVE**

**PREVEIOUSLY........**

**Would she be okay? I had never seen her like that! Or anyone like that actually. How would she handle this? Would she be better or worse when she woke up? What should we do? Stick around or leave her alone? Ugh! This was impossible!**

**I stood back and watched her, listening as she breathed in and out. The rest of my family poured into the room, filling every space available. Everyone just stared at Bella as she lay there. Everyone had the same thought in their heads.**

_**What do we do now?**_

**NOW...........**

Ryan told us that she needed to rest peacefully, and let us squeeze out of the room one by one. We all went to the exit, signed out, never speaking a word. Ryan opened the outer door for us, but no-one thanked him, he did seem to understand though.

I liked Ryan. From his thoughts, he truly did love Bella like she was his little sister. I also discovered that he was a lot like Emmett- protective, huge, but soft and lovable. I could tell why Bella would like him so much.

We all made our way across the gravel drive, and to our cars, no one saying a thing. I mean, what can you say after that? I didn't want to hear their thoughts. I didn't_ want _to, but i couldn't help it. They were all thinking of how Bella looked so different than she used to. Even paler, thinner, but thankfully, better than she had looked on the DVD's of her before the accident. All of my family were shocked and horrified that our presence could have such a negative impact on her, even cause her to black out because of her panic.

We made it home, speeding like we usually do. However, usually, we banter and race. Not this time though.

We made it home, and all drove into the garage and got out of our cars. We made our way through the house, all knowing where we were heading even without direction. We all sat on the sofa's, where this had all begun. No-one spoke for a while, just staring into space, re-living the horror of the day.

Taking a deep breathe, Carlisle spoke. "We......we have to decide whether" he took another deep breathe, trying to control his own sobs that i could tell were coming "Whether or not........to try to help.....in that.....way" He finished.

No-one answered him, but sobs broke out all over the room. Alice was curled in a ball in Jasper's lap, sobbing. Jasper was doing his best to console her, but his tries were marred by his own sobs. But these weren't influenced by everyone else, these were his sobs. I was a little surprised at how much he loved Bella.  
Rosalie and Emmett were clinging to each other, both sobbing on each others shoulders. Carlisle and Esme merely held each others hands and sobbed. And me...

I was alone

I had no one to console, and no-one to console me.

This was all my fault, all of it. But, how could i help when we none of us could even get near her?

I pulled my legs up and wrapped my arms around them, mimicking Bella's position in the office. I don't think i have ever felt so alone and worthless. What was i actually living for?

The only thing that made this life worth living since we left is the fact the she is safe. But now? When i find that she was vulnerable and defencless because we left, what was there left for me? Bella would get better, she was a fighter, she had to get better. She didn't need me, she was fine, or would be. She couldn't even stand the _idea _of being in the same room as me. Besides, she hated me, and who could blame her. I had single handedly ruined her life. It was idiotic to actually think that she could still love me.

"No!" I heard Alice whisper. I saw the vision that took over her vision.

_Me kneeling in the throne room of the Volturi castle, before Aro, Caius and Marcus, begging to be killed. Aro thinking about it for a while, then summoning me back. Him agreeing with my wish, and killing me. _

The vision ended, but i didn't move at all. I just kept on sobbing, and rocking backwards and forwards like a child.

"Alice? Alice.....what was it?" Jasper asked, swallowing his sobs to see to his wife.

"Edward going to the Volturi. Them.......agreeing" She didn't have to explain what she meant. I heard five gasps around the room, and knew that they were all staring at me.

"Ed....Edward...please don't. I have already lost...two children. I can't loose anymore children" Esme said in that gentle, heartbroken voice that had me feeling guilty for actually planning on doing anything in the first place. I still didn't move, but decided against my plans. I couldn't hurt anyone else.

"Thank you Esme" Alice said as a way to tell them that i had changed my mind. I heard everyone in the room release a breathe i hadn't been aware they had been holding.

"Well......judging by her reaction to us......i think it would be better if.....we didn't try that again" He said slowly. It hurt that his daughter would react that way towards us, but he understood it.

We all nodded in agreement. We would end up doing more harm than good.

"So, if we can't......help that way. What can we do? Because i refuse to sit here and do nothing! THIS IS ALL OUR FAULT AND WE HAVE TO FIX IT!" Emmett shouted at no-one in particular. I silently thanked him for voicing my opinion as well as his. No-one challenged his shouts or told him to be quiet, because they all agreed as well.

"I'm not sure what we can do if we can't see her. I will do some research, maybe....they'll be something" He sighed.

We all dispersed throughout the house. Everyone went to their rooms, to just be with the ones they loved. And, once again, i was alone. Curled up in the corner of my room, not moving, not speaking, and trying not to think. I managed to blank out everyone elses thoughts, and clear my mind totally. I basked in the empty numbness that took over my mind and body. I laid my head back, closing my eyes and just....froze.

The only time measurement was the light that shone through my closed eye lids. Everyone else was similar. Carlisle called the hospital he was working at in England, telling them someone was ill and he didn't know when he would be back. Of course they agreed, what with Carlisle being the best doctor they had and all. So, no-one hunted, no-one spoke, no-one did anything.

I was shocked out of my waking- dream by a shrill tone that reverbereted through the house. I was confused. No-one calls us, we don't have friends, and the hospital don't know our home phone number. So who could it be?

I could hear everyone elses confusion and irritation. We weren't in the mood to be pranked or be called by one of those stupid advertisement people. It was a good thing Carlisle answered, anyone else would have screamed down the phone. But, he ran down the stairs to the sittingroom, cleared his throat and picked up the phone. We could all hear perfectly what they were saying to each other.

(Carlisle = **bold**. Phone woman = _italics_)

**"Hello?"**

_"Dr Cullen?"_

**"Yes."** he answered hesitantly.

_"It's Dr Laura from Brenright Institution"_

Without a seconds hesitation we were all downstairs and crowded around the coffee table in the middle that the phone sat on. We all took our places on the chairs and listened intently to the conversation, none of us breathing.

**"Dr. Laura, it's lovely to hear from you"**I knew he was trying to be polite, his voice was perfect but his face showed his impatience with the pleasentries.

"_Oh I'm fine"_

"Get to the point Woman!" I heard Emmett mutter, so only we could hear it.

**"Is this about Bella?"**Carlisle could barely hide his fears or his impatience. Dr Laura sighed from the other end of the line.

_"Yes. Since your visit nearly a week ago"_ Wow, it was a nearly a week? _"Bella has regressed back to what she was like when she first came in here"_ She said sadly.

**"What do you mean?"**

_"She refuses to move, to speak and doesn't even acknowledge anyone. She hasn't eaten or drunk anything since that day and she won't take her medication"_ We all winced when she said medication. _"If this continues we will have to tube feed her, she is weakening even more than she already was. I don't like the prospect of force feeding, it might set her back even further"_ Force feeding?! I would kill her if she forced Bella to do anything.

My growl broke the silence, and Alice elbowed me in the ribs "Would you rather her..die from malnutrition?" Her voice softened as she hesitated. I nodded and Carlisle got back to the phone call.

**"I'm sorry, but.....why are you calling me?"**

_"Well, you coming brought a change in her, though it's not the change we really wanted. But, there was definitely something there. I want to try again, but only with one of your family this time"_ She said. I thought about it, it was actually a good idea. But who?

**"Of course we would do anything to help"** But his thoughts were stuck on how this might make things even worse.

We shouldn't be forcing ourselves on her he thought sadly.

_"Well, i think you should be the one to visit, if you wouldn't mind doctor. You have the experience to.....help, if this goes wrong"_We were all confused at her meaning, but Carlisle agreed and set it up so that he would be visiting her tomorrow.

Everyone was in much higher spirits after the phone call. Carlisle had done some research and found that there wasn't much we could actually do if we couldn't interact with her. Now, we could help her.

Carlisle and Esme set out hunting. They had been neglecting their diets like the rest of us. They came back after a few hours, smiling and laughing. I was happy to see them so joyous.

I never realised how much Bella had changed all of our lives.

After milling around the house for a few hours, we were all excited and on edge. We all hugged our dad and watched as he drove off. I wished i could be in the car with him, just to see her eyes, to hear her voice.

With Carlisle gone, we had a few hours until he came back. I decided to go hunting to pass the time, and chose to go alone. Not that anyone offered, Esme had just been and the others were....occupied with their partners. So, after four mountain lions and a rabbit i was finally full. I was laid on my back, just looking at the sky and thinking when i felt my phone vibrate in my pocket with a message. I took it out and read it.

**Edward, Carlisle will be back in ten minutes**

**Al xx**

I jumped up and started my way back to the house, putting the phone back in my pocket on my way. My mind wandered as i easily dodged trees and animals.

What would she have said? How was she? Did Carlisle make any progress? What Happened?!

I arrived just in time, and saw Carlisle pulling into the garage. His thoughts were a jumbled mess, but i knew that wasn't a good sign. Slightly aprehensive, i went and took my place in the sitting room again. It was soon replacing the dining table as the place for meetings. We walked in and ran his hand through his hair, his face tired looking and troubled. Not good.

We all followed him with our eyes as he came and sat down. Esme took his hand smiled at him encouragingly. His returning smile looked more like a grimace.

"She was right" He said simply.

"You mean Dr. Laura? Was she.....that bad?" Rosalie asked, i could see her eyes filling with tears that would never fall.

"Yes. I was there for a while before she woke up, but when she did.....she didn't move at all, she just stared at the ceiling. I saw her eyes tear up for a few seconds, but that was it. It was......wrong. She was empty, her face and her eyes were just blank. When Ryan came to give her her breakfast, she didn't even acknowledge him in the room. I tried to talk to her, but she ignored me. her heartbeat did speed up a few minutes after she woke up and she got a bit stressed but calmed down after a few minutes." He sighed, looking older than i had ever seen him.

"And she was right about the eating as well. She never even looked at it despite the fact that she hasn't eaten in a week. I could see the effect it had on her though. She's......even paler than she was, and even thinner. She's like......what she was on the DVD. Like before" He put his head in his hand.

I saw everything. Her heartbeat accelerating, her hands fisting she sheets as she trembled slightly. Her blank stares. His attempted to speak to her, Ryan tempting her with food. He was right. She looked empty. It broke my heart to see it.

"So, that's it?" Emmett said looking down. He was used to using his muscles to sort out problems, and he was a little lost on how to help his "little sis", as he refered to her.

Carlisle gave another sigh and lifted his head. "I'm going back tomorrow. It may change, we don't know"

We all went our separate ways again. I had to get out of the house, i had to get away from Carlisles thoughts. I ran out the door, heading towards our meadow. I knew this would hurt, but i needed to feel close to her, even if i couldn't see her.

I got there, and stared at it. It hadn't changed, it was still beautiful. It just lacked something, i knew what that "something" was, it needed Bella to be complete. I walked over to the middle, seeing where we had laid the first time i had brought her here. I noticed something then.

The grass on one area was ripped apart revealing the earth beneath it, and all around it, the grass was worn down. The trampled grass, it was obvious by the foot marks, had been made by a circle of people. But, what could cause so much damage to rip up all of the grass? I felt angry that someone had damaged our meadow, but pushed it aside.

I made my way back to the middle, and laid down, closing my eyes. I could see her laid next to me, watching me as she say me "sparkle" for the first time. I could hear her voice as she told me that she would "rather die than stay away from me". That made me cringe. I could see her putting her head between her legs as she got motion sickness from my running. I wanted, so badly, to go back and re-live all of those moments and wipe away all the disasters since.

I relived every moment i had ever had with, near or watching her. It, like i knew it would, hurt. I spent most of my time curled up in a ball sobbing.

_Suck it up! Imagine what she has gone through!_ I wondered if she had felt this when i had left her.

_It would have been even worse. At she didn't tell you your love was a lie and a game, at least when you left, you knew she still loved you _

The vibrating in my pocket brought me out of my memories, and i swore very loudly at my phone. I flipped it open anyway, and read the message.

**Sorry for interrupting, i know you want to be left alone now.  
There was no need to cuss though!  
Carlisle will be back in fifteen minutes.**

**Al xx**

I apologized for swearing at her and got a text back instantly.

**That's okay. I would have done the same thing **

**Al xx**

I smiled as i tucked my phone in my pocket. I loved my sister.

I made it back home with a few minutes to spare, and took my seat, again, on the sofas. Everyone sat in the same places as they had the previous times, of course the space beside me seemed huge to me, mocking.

We waited for the sound of tires on the gravel, and it was only seconds before we heard it. His thoughts were jumbled again, but i got a different vibe this time. Happy.

He quickly came and sat down, smiling. I could tell he had been sobbing, his eyes were ringed with red and slightly puffy. As always, Esme took his hand and squeezed assuringly. The returning smile was dazzling. Esme looked down at their hands and gasped.

"Carlisle, where's your cuff?" He didn't look surprised, but....proud.

"I gave it to Bella when i had to leave. I told her that she was a Cullen, and we always come back for our family" His eyes teared up, but he smiled at her. Everyone was shocked.

"H..how? I thought she was......empty?" Jasper asked, more shocked than anyone since he was absorbing everyone elses shockedness (I think it's a word)

Carlisle hesitated, looking confused. "I don't know where to begin" He sighed.

"At the beginning" Alice said seriously.

"Right, well " He hesitated slightly when he saw all of our keen faces. "I got there early again, she was still sleeping. I spoke to Ryan, and he told me that, after i left Bella.....came to life" He quoted the phrase with his fingers.

"What do you mean?" Emmett was wondering if Bella had died somehow. Needless to say, i wanted to hit him. Instead i glared at him, and he apologized.

"Well, apparently, after i got up and left, Bella jumped out of bed, and ran to the door. Ryan had to restrain her from getting out. Once she stopped trying to escape, she started crying. Apparently, it was the first time she had cried since she had been there so, it was a bug deal. Ryan said that was crying and saying that she would never see me again. After Ryan reassured her that she would see me the next day, she stopped crying and smiled"

He looked so happy for a moment, but he frowned for a moment. I found out why.

_"Doctor Cullen I-" They were in the cafeteria while Bella was sleeping, someone else was watching her. Ryan looked hesitant._

_"Please call me Carlisle" He tried to comfort the man, but he hardly noticed._

_Okay, Carlisle" Ryan paused. "I'm not sure if this is a good idea. I mean you visiting her. It makes her happy, i can see that, but.."_

_"What?" I could tell from his tone that he was concerned that he was making her worse._

_"I don't know if anyone told you but, Bella has separation anxiety. Every time someone she knows leaves, even if it's just leaving the room, she panics." _

_Carlisle was speechless. He hadn't anticipated this, and it did cause a problem. Every time he left, she would.....panic. He had to show her that he would come back, and only time will make her trust him like that again. _

Carlisle was looking at me apologetically. I swallowed slowly.

"Is it...true?" I wasn't sure if i wanted to know the answer.

"Yes. Every time either of us had to leave the room, she would get hysterical" He answered everyone elses questions as well "Bella has seperation anxiety".

I saw as Ryan told Bella she had to get a shower, how she clung onto Carlisle and cried harder. How, when Ryan said it was time to go, Bella's heart rate picked up, and she cried and hugged him fiercely.

"If i can get her to understand that i will come back, then maybe it will help" He said, looking worriedly at his hands.

"That's why you gave her the cuff?" Rosalie asked, though she knew the answer. Carlisle nodded.

"So...what happened. Start from the beginning". Carlisle smiled, but it faded once he heard "the beginning" part.

"Well, like i said- I got there early, and after talking to Ryan, i went and sat in her room waiting for her to wake up. I was expecting her to ignore me again. But.....She had a" he gulped "Nightmare". He put his head in his hands, breathing deeply.

Then i saw it. The most horrifying thing i had ever seen.

_Bella was asleep, but her heart beat increased fast and he started to moan and toss in the bed. Tears fell from her closed eyes as her moans got louder, she started to shake violently. She started to mumble things._

_"Cullens.......Alice.........murderer...please" It sounded like she was begging someone for something._

_She started to get more agitated, and Ryan was getting coffee. Carlisle got up and went to her side, shaking her shoulder slightly and saying her name, trying to wake her up._

"_Bella, come on, wake up!" Carlisle said desperately. She still didn't._

_"No...no......please.....No!" Her tears flowed faster, and her moans were gradually getting louder and turning to screams._

_"Bella, it's just a dream. Come on, wake up!" __He hated seeing her like this._

_"NO......NO........NO!!" She screamed, loudly. Ryan came running in the room, and looked at us. Bella wrapped her arms around her middle, and cried out again. Ryan zeroed in on her arms and seemed to understand something._

_Her tears seemed to flow even faster as she moaned again, tossing and mangling the sheets, twisting them around her arms and legs._

_"No..please....it's not.....I'm sorry.....i tried......couldn't" She was getting even more aggitated, and Ryan ran off somewhere._

"_Bella, come on! It's not real!" He had never felt so useless._

_Suddenly Bella shot bolt upright, screaming "NO". Her screams stopped after a second of waking up, and she pulled her legs up to her chest and hid her face in her arms, trying to regulate her breathing._

_The buzzer for the door sounded loud in the tiny room, and he stepped back and sat on the door as Ryan entered carrying a needle. He paused as he saw Bella on the bed and put the needle on the table next to the door. He looked at Carlisle questioningly._

_"She woke up about thirty seconds ago" He informed him as he went to help Bella._

The vision stopped, but i couldn't get the images out of my head. It seems that Carlisle was still telling them about it, but i had seen and heard enough.

_Coward! This is nothing compared to the pain she has been through _

I was right. I had to be strong now for Bella. I listened as Carlisle continued to explain what happened.

"Ryan came in and sat her on his lap, and comforted her. Apparently it was a big thing, he showing any emotions. She was in a good mood when she went to sleep, so Ryan said. And she said......" He paused, looking at his hands "...She said that she had woken up early and no-one was there"

He seemed so ashamed, so disgusted with himself, and i could hear it in his thoughts. Still, he carried on, knowing that we were all waiting on every word he said.

"She seemed to sober up after a while, and she stopped crying. She just looked so....ashamed and embarrassed at herself. She hadn't seen me, but Ryan said something and she saw me......" He paused, not knowing how close Emmett was to throwing the phone at him to get him to continue.

"What happened? How did she react? Was she mad? Does she hate us? What-" Alice started to ramble, and Carlisle held up a hand to stop her.

" She...stared at me. Like she thought i would disappear if she ever looked away. Ryan said she had to get a shower, and she got up, Ryan helping of course, never taking her eyes off me. She suddenly.....stopped, and started to walk towards me. Ryan tried to stop her, probably thinkinig that she would hurt me or something.." Not even Emmett could laugh at the thought of Bella hurting Carlisle.

"He backed off after i reasured him it was okay. She.....she walked up to me. I was sat down at the time, and i couldn't stop....smiling" A smile lit up his face as he said it.

"She kept on saying my name, i said that i was here. I could tell that she wanted to make sure so i......i grabbed her hand" His eyes sparkled with tears that would never fall.

"I thought she would...shy away or scream or...something. But..she just asked me if i was real. Then she.....she literally launched herself at me, and hugged me. If i was a human, i would have no neck left" He chuckled.

"After we said that we missed each other...we kind of......cried..allot" he didn't seem ashamed of the fact, just hesitant.

"When Ryan said she had to go, she screamed, and actually hurt me, her hold was that tight. I told her that i would never leave, only then would she actually let go. I heard her run to the shower, literally dragging Ryan along with her. I was left in her room" He stopped, suddenly very serious.

"It was......empty. She had nothing of her own. Only a bed, a bedside table and a set of drawers. All her clothed were the same, and nothing had any personality. It was......" He searched for a word, but could find none. He gave up with a sigh.

"She ran back to her room, but stopped. She was.....afraid i wouldn't be there" he looked down again. " She ran to me, and we hugged for...a long time. But, i remembered why i was there, and i asked her, well, bagged her, to eat something. She looked...confused at my random question, but she did anyway." He smiled.

"She...ate something then?" Emmett asked, hoping she was getting better.

"Yeah, though she never let go of my hand the entire time. It's strange. Before, he hugged and all of that, but we were never so....close" he puzzled. It was true though. They hugged each other goodbye and as a greeting, but that was it.

"After, Ryan asked her if she wanted to go into the gardens. I had never seen her so happy in my life. Ryan had told me that.....in the seven months she had been there, she hadn't been outside, she hadn't even seen the sky because they close the blinds. I rarely get....angry, as you know. But right then, i think i could have really done some damage" He gritted his teeth, thinking about how they had "imprisoned" her.

"The phrase "kid on Christmas" doesn't even do it justice." He sighed. "We sat down, and.....talked. She apologized about yesterday, explaining that she thought i was an hallucination, and only knew when i left that i was real because Ryan spoke to me and-"

"Why would make her know you were real?" Rosalie asked, confused.

"Well, as she told me. Hallucinations are in your head, so no-one else can see them. When Ryan spoke to me, it proved that i was actually there" He said, quoting parts from Bella. We all nodded, and he carried on.

"I tried to tell her that we all missed her, but she got upset and started to cry" he sighed, running his hand through his hair "She doesn't like the mention of us, any of us. When she asked if we were really there, she got all embarrassed, well, mortified would be a better word. I calmed her down a little, but i could see that what i had said had made her angry" He sighed again.

"Then.....then she asked me.....why i was there, and why i cared. I told her it was because she was my daughter, and i knew that i shouldn't have. I have never seen Bella angry, i have never seen her shout and scream. It was.....terrifying, and horrible".

"What...what did she say?" I asked, not able to control myself.

"She said that....that we left her behind. That if she was part of our family, we wouldn't have left in the first place. That if we really cared......we would never have been able to leave her" He gulped, taking a deep breath.

I could see it all. Bella, sat in a plastic chair, glaring at Carlisle. I had never seen Bella mad, only joking around and such. This was.....scary.

"I tried to explain that we didn't want to leave, and we only did so for her benefit, but i don't think she took it in. We hugged each other, i guess our way of apologizing to each other. She found out that....that we knew about the accident. I told her that...that we had all her information, and....she didn't take it well.

I saw Bella loosing the little colour she had, her hand trembling as Carlisle still held onto it.

"When i mentioned the phyciatrist sessions......" He shook his head.

She went perfectly still apart from her trembling. She didn't breath, didn't blink, she just froze. I explained that we didn't judge her and that it was all our fault. In the end, she loosened up a bit, but was guarded. I told her about the box, and about the warnings we received. She smiled a little at that" he smiled too, remembering.

"Then.....i asked her about the accident. She closed herself off from me, becoming even more guarded. She said that she couldn't tell me anything. I reminded her about what she had said on the DVD's, about we were the noly ones she could tell. She nodded, and we turned away from the camera and Ryan who was watching us from the window" He stopped.

"Well....what did she tell you?" Alice said, her impatience getting the better of her.

"She told me....that she could only tell us, and specifically us, because........this was done by a vampire" He looked up to gage our reactions. No-one spoke

"She couldn't say anything. Imagine of she started telling storied of vampires! She is already in...there" he spat the word "What else would they do?" We all stayed silent, trying to digest the fact that a vampire had something to do with this.

"Then...Ryan said that it was time to go. You can imagine her response. She refused to let go of me, and i didn't want to leave. I promised her that i would be back, but i could see that she didn't believe me. I gave her my cuff, and told her that she was a Cullen, and we always come back for our family" We all smiled at that. I saw a twinkle in his eyes, and he turned to Esme.

"Esme, i asked Bella if it was okay for you to see her tomorrow. You should have seen how happy she was." He smiled.

I could see how happy she was. Her face lost all of it's emptiness, and it was like it used to be. My heart ached at the sight.

Esme's only reaction was to nearly strangle her husband with a hug as she sobbed on his shoulder.

"Tomorrow-" Carlisle began

"We shall see our daughter" Esme finished.

**Tell me what you think!!**


	9. Regress

**Disclaimer- I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT**

**BELLA'S PERSPECTIVE........**

**PREVIOUSLY...........**

**"Then...Ryan said that it was time to go. You can imagine her response. She refused to let go of me, and i didn't want to leave. I promised her that i would be back, but i could see that she didn't believe me. I gave her my cuff, and told her that she was a Cullen, and we always come back for our family" We all smiled at that. I saw a twinkle in his eyes, and he turned to Esme.**

**"Esme, i asked Bella if it was okay for you to see her tomorrow. You should have seen how happy she was." He smiled.**

**I could see how happy she was. Her face lost all of it's emptiness, and it was like it used to be. My heart ached at the sight.**

**Esme's only reaction was to nearly strangle her husband with a hug as she sobbed on his shoulder.**

**"Tomorrow-" Carlisle began**

**"We shall see our daughter" Esme finished.**

**NOW...........**

The rest of the day was boring. I ate dinner, took my medication, and that was it. I was constantly looking at the cuff, now on my right wrist, just to remind me that he did some and it was all real. This all had a dream like quality. My life went from high, to rock bottom, and is now getting better again. I know it will never be as good as it was but, who am i to push it away? Although Carlisle had been here for six hours, it felt like only a few minutes to me. I couldn't wait for tomorrow. I would be seeing Esme! I couldn't wait!

But, as usual the negative side of me spoke up.

_I wouldn't get your hopes up _

No. He said he would come, he promised.

_He promised he would look after you as well, but look what happened._

No. Carlisle wasn't like that, i could trust him.

_That's what you thought last time, and they deserted you. Don't get too close. If they leave, it will only hurt even more._

Now laid in my bed, going to sleep, i couldn't help but agree with the negative side of me. I didn't know how long i would be in here, but i knew they wouldn't stick around for that long. Eventually, they will leave again. It is inevitable, everyone leaves in some way.

But, i could see Esme in just a few hours. The very thought had me wide awake again. I could see my mum.

After a few hours of excitedness, Ryan had to put his foot down. "Patients" had to have sleep, because it is good for our health, or so they say.

"Bella, you have to go to sleep" He said, moving from his chair and kneeling next to my bed.

"I know, but i can't. I'm too excited" I was literally vibrating the sheets, a huge grin on my face.

He sighed, a huge smile on his face too. "I love seeing you this happy, but you need to rest. I could get the sleeping-" I nodded. I knew it was drastic, but i had to be awake when Esme came, and if drugs was the way to go, then so be it.

He left the room, but came back with a needle. I don't mind needles anymore, or blood. He injected me with whatever was in it, and i felt it instantly.

"Will they be here when i wake up?" I slurred as i turned over, getting comfortable.

"Yes. Sweet dreams Bella" I heard his retreating footsteps and the chair squeak as he sat back down on it.

Thanks to the drugs, i slept through the whole night, with no nightmares. I yawned loudly and stretched my arms and legs out beneath my quilt. Being laid curled up makes you feel a little stiff sometimes. I can't remember when i actually felt so...awake, so full of energy. I opened my eyes, and stared at the wall an inch from my nose. I rolled over and froze.

"ESME!!" I squealed, tearing the quilt away and running across the tiny room, and into her arms.

"Bella!" He sighed, putting her head in my hair. Why are they all so much taller than me? Oh right, i have no shoes on my feet.

"Oh Bella, i missed you. I missed my daughter" She sobbed and i cried into her shirt.

She lead me to the bed, never pulling me away from her. She sat down, and pulled me onto her lap, my feet on the bed beside her. I cried into her shoulder, not caring that the camera was whizzing around watching us all. She gently rocked me back and forth, soothing me, even though she was in the same state, only without the tears.

"SShhhh.....Bella. What is it?" She said softly when she stopped sobbing as much.

How could i explain this to them? I could only say the one word. "Daughter" I whispered.

"Oh, i'm sorry. I didn't mean to-" She sounded so sincere, but i cut her off.

"No, it's not-" I couldn't finish, but started again. "I missed you too.....mum" I said and her sobs started again, even fiercer than last time.

I heard a buzzing at the door and looked over. I noticed that Ryan wasn't in the room, but.....Carlisle. Oh, how could i have forgotten about Carlisle? I instantly felt terrible. He turned when the door opened, and Ryan came in.

"Doctor Cullen" He nodded his head in greeting, smiling.

"Mrs Cullen" He said, smiling at Esme. Most men are afraid of crying women, but not Ryan.

He walked up to us, and i knew what was coming. I clung harder to Esme's shirt, anchoring myself to her.

"Bella" He sighed, crouching down. "Come on, it's time for your shower" he said gently, but i wouldn't let go. I buried my face in Esme's shoulder, as the tears came faster.

"No!" I nearly shouted, clinging to Esme.

"Bella, we aren't going anywhere. You remember yesterday, when you went?" I looked up and nodded at Carlisle.

"I was still here wasn't i?" I nodded.

"We'll both be hear when you get back, Bella" Esme whispered gently.

She lent down and whispered in my ear so only me and Carlisle could hear "You're a Cullen Bella, we don't leave family behind" She tapped the cuff on my wrist and i had to suppress another sob.

Gulping, i got out of Esmes lap, and Ryan led me out of the room, to the showers again. It was the same as last time. Quick strip, thorough clean and wash and rinse, quick dry and run back. I ran to Carlisle this time, hugging him fiercely. This was my form of thank you for bringing Esme to me. Afters a few minutes, i hugged Esme again, still checking that this was all real, and i wasn't still dreaming. It can happen.

"Come on Bella. Time for your breakfast" Esme said as she led me out of my room, to the "dining area". Ryan, once again, took a back seat and watched at a distance as Me, Carlisle and Esme spoke and laughed like we used to. I could tell how happy Ryan was, as if the huge grin wasn't enough of a give away.

I honestly couldn't tell you what we talked about. I think Carlisle explained my aversion to the mention of other family members, because they never spoke of it. They didn't speak of the accident because.......i just couldn't.

When they went i cried like last time, and clung to them. They hugged me back and, in Esme's case, cried as well. They promised they would come tomorrow, and i was happy again.

I was beginning to trust them. I couldn't help it, but i couldn't not believe them. I didn't know if it would be a good thing in the long run or not, but i was happy for now, and that was all that mattered.

Again, i was bored. I sat and stared out of the window again at the rain, wanting to feel it against my skin. When Esme and Carlisle weren't here, nothing felt real. It felt like a dream, and all of my horrors came crashing down on me again. They were like the antidote. When they were here, i could see the good side of things. I could see colours, and the humour in Ryan's jokes. I lived for their visits.

I was getting dependant on them, and i kenw that that was dangerous. They couldn't visit me forever, because people would get suspicious when they never aged. They had to leave at some point. So, i had to conflicting arguments in my head.

One- Don't get close. Tell them you don't want to see them anymore. You were getting better before they came along, and you could do that again. Don't set your heart up to get broken.

Or...

Two- Get as much of them as you can. You don't know how long they will be here, so make the most of it. They promised they would come back, and though i know that it's only temporary, it makes me happy.

So, to sum up- Do something that makes me depressed again, seperate myself from the ones i love and probably set back my recovery time. But, i would be safe from the heartbreak that would undoubtedly come, and possibly even save my sanity. Or make myself happy, revel in the warmth of my family, and risk heartbreak and loneliness.

I couldn't push them away from me, i just couldn't. Really, i actually didn't have a choice.

I would never ask them to leave me alone. I don't even think i can. As long as they keep coming, i will be happy.

I went to bed that night not as excited as before, but looking forward to the next day. I'm pretty sure i went to sleep with a smile on my face as i snuggled further down in my bed.

No dreams disturbed my sleep, and once again i felt wide awake.

I opened my eyes and smiled when i saw Esme and Carlisle waiting. I wasn't as enthusiastic as last time.

I sat up, rubbing my eyes with my hand and yawning. They chuckled as i stretched my arms above my head and i opened my eyes again, smiling.

"Good sleep?" Esme asked, moving and sitting on the edge of my bed.

"Great" I said smiling at her, flipping my quilt away from me.

Ryan came in after we hugged, and seemed happier than usual. He elbowed me in the ribs, smiling so broadly i thought his face would break. I rolled my eyes at his childishness, but smiled back at him. He was happy because i was happy. And that, in turn, made me happy. So, i was very happy, as you probably guessed.

So, i got showered, had my breakfast and was sat talking to Esme and Carlisle when Ryan walked up and had to ruin my perfect moment.

"Bella?" I was facing away from him, sat on one of the sofas.

"Yeah" I said without turning around. I knew from his tone that it wasn't something i would like.

"Well.....it's time for your meeting with Dr Laura" I froze instinctively. I hate that woman, and Ryan knew it. I clenched my teeth and closed my eyes, not wanting to show my hatred and emotions in front of Carlisle and Esme and scare them away.

"It was supposed to be yesterday, but you were occupied. You know you have to have them-"

"At least four times a week, i know" I said angrily, quickly loosing patience.

"Bella," He sighed, coming to stand in front of me. "I know you don't like these meetings"

"Yeah, something like that" I muttered though i knew he heard me. He carried on.

"But, you have to have them. If you want, Carlisle and Esme can go with you" He kept his gaze on me, as i bit my lip.

I didn't want them to know the extent of my....problems, and there was no doubt that the doctor would bring them up. but, Carlisle had read everyhtign about what happened, so i bet they know anyway. But, what if they didn't want to? I felt a cold hand slid into mine and i looked at Esme.

"Only if Bella wants us there" Esme said, not looking away from me.

I nodded, and stood up, really reluctant to go. Carlisle held my other hand, and i had the suspicion that they knew about my intense dislike for the doctor. I dragged my feet and took as long as possible to get to her door. When we finally got there Ryan pressed the buzzer, and the doctor said for us to come in.

Again, they had to nearly drag me in. It seems that Carlisle and Esme had been expected, two more cushy chairs were sat in front of her desk. I sat in the middle, while Esme and Carlisle sat either side of me, never letting go of my hands. Ryan was dismissed again, and the doctor just stared at me for a little while, peering over her glasses.

Usually i would just stare blankly at her desk, ignoring her, but not now. As much as i wanted to ignore her, i didn't want Esme and Carlisle to see that side of me. I met the doctors gaze with an annoyed expression. Esme shifted uncomfortably in her seat beside me.

"Well" Finally, the doctor lowered her entwined fingers that had been in front of her for a while. "Bella, you seem to have made progress with these visits" I didn't answer her, she didn't look too surprised.

"Now, I've been watching you closely during these visits, and afterwards. You seem to be sleeping much better, and i haven't seen any sign of any nightmares since this started. Overall, you seem to be much happier. You don't need to be forced to move, you speak, you smile, you laugh. If this continues, your recovery time will be reduced significantly" She said matter- of- factly.

I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face. Carlisle and Esme squeezed my hands, and i knew they were both smiling as well.

"However" My smile fell as i heard the tone of her voice. This couldn't be anything good. "I am rather concerned about something. Bella's happiness seems to hinge on your presence. I am concerned that when these visits stop, Bella will react.....badly" She said, sadness in her voice.

My face fell of any emotion. She had just pointed out my deepest worry, and exposed it. It didn't matter what i was going to do, this wasn't in my hands anymore. I could only watch as my life shattered once again before my eyes. My eyes found the same spot they usually do as i stared blankly at her desk, no longer gripping the hands in mine.

"We will be here for as long as Bella wants and needs us to be" Carlisle said gently, squeezing my hand to get some sort of reaction, but recieved none.

"Yes, i know your intentions are good, i don't doubt that. You mean no intentional harm to Bella, but you will harm her in the long run. Can you really say that you will be here, everyday until Bella gets better? No one can determine how long that will take, it is solely up to the patient. can you promise this?" She waited, though i knew their answer before they even said it.

"No, we can't" Esme said.

Though i knew what they would say, it still tore my heart out. No tears came to my eyes, no pain ripped through my chest. I was...well i aren't sure. So many emotions ran through me.

Sorrow, anger, bitterness, relief, loneliness, stupidity. I felt so childish, so stupid for letting them convince me they would stay. That they cared.

The conversation carried on, but i zoned out. I didn't want to hear the rest. My mind was filled with images of my past life. My first meeting with the Cullens, Alice dressing me up for no reason, prom with Edward, my birthday. They all flitted through my mind. I was so happy, so naive. How could i not see what would happen?

But how did my life turn from heaven on earth, to my own personal hell?

I lost my love, my sisters and brothers and my parents. But i still had Charlie, Renee, Phil and my friends, but none are here now. I was alone, totally and utterly alone. My heart was broken beyond repair, i knew that, i had accepted that. I came here, and i lived. I ate, drank, moved, slept and took medicine. Nothing more, nothing less. I wasn't happy, i wasn't sad. I was just..... still, unmoving.

But now? Now my life had once again been turned upside down. Sometimes i didn't eat or take my medicine. Sometimes i ran, and others i was immobile. Mu numb, ice cold heart had moved and opened up again. It could probably be the worst mistake of my life.

Could i really lose the same family twice? I don't think my heart or my mind could take it. There would be no help possible for me then.

I felt a tug on my hands as Carlisle and Esme stood up. I stood too, numb and oblivious to anything.

They led me out of the door, and sat me on one of the sofas. I kept my eyes straight ahead the entire time, never meeting their gazes. I didn't know what i would see, and i didn't want to know. They never relinquished their holds on my hands, even though mine were limp in theirs.

"Bella" Carlisle said. he hesitated when i didn't react at all, but carried on.

"What the doctor said in there, it was true. We can't be here all the time" he said gently.

Wow, he really knew how to hurt me. Twist the knife in, rub salt in the wound. My emotions were close to the surface now, and i could feel them nearly brimming over.

"But we will be here for as long as you need us" He concluded. He was stupid. He didn't know the gravity of that statement.

"I will always need you" I whispered. They seemed shocked at my voice, but my eyes never moved from the white tiled floor a few feet in front of the sofa. One lone tear escaped my eye, but i let in go. They should see how much they've hurt me. They need to understand. They were silent as it ran down my face and into my lap. I felt slightly ashamed to admit my weakness to them, show my vulnerability.

"Bella, please. We promi-" Esme started, but i stopped her.

"Don't promise me anything. Please. Just...don't." I whispered and nearly choked on a sob. Promises make you hope, fill you with anticipation. I could afford neither. Not when i knew it would be taken away.

"But Bella, just-" I had heard Carlisle sound so desperate and flustered. He always seemed calm and collected, like he had all the answers. I wish that were the case, then he could give me some. but now i saw another side of him, well not see. I didn't look at him. This just angered me. Was anything about them real? Did i ever know the real Cullen's, or was it all just an act?

"Why are you even here?" I said through clenched teeth, trying to get a hold on my anger.

"Because you are our daughter and-" I know i am interrupting allot today, but with that word, my anger burst forth. I wanted my hands back, i didn't want to be near them. I didn't want to get hurt.

"If you are just going to leave again, then why are you here? Do you enjoy hurting me? Seeing me like this?" My voice was nearly a shout, and i gained some glances from other staff. I didn't really care.

"No Bella. We would never leave again like that, we couldn't" Esme said softly, though i didn't miss her choice of words.

"Like that? What, this time you will actually say goodbye?" I said yanking my hands back and standing up, going to walk away from them.

"Please. We wanted to, we did. But-" Carlisle said hesitantly.

"BUT WHAT?! IF I AM YOU "DAUGHTER" WHAT STOPPED YOU FROM AT LEAST SAYING GOODBYE?!" I spun around and screamed at them, watching as they flinched back and their eyes widened. The entire room was silent, watching the scene unfold. One man rushed through a door, but i payed no attention to him.

"We wanted to, but Edward wanted to-" Esme's voice was cut off as I screamed at his name. If anyone said his name, i screamed. I couldn't take it, the memories, the feelings, the emotions. The pain ripped through my chest, and wrapped my arms around my chest as i screamed. Tears streamed down my face as the anguish took control of me. All the things he said to me, every touch and caress, every loving word and reassurance, all a lie.

I dropped to my knees as the pain increased. I couldn't control the flood of images and smells, textures and sounds that breached my barriers. I never thought about these things, and now was a show of why. It was simply too painful for me to handle.

Nothing else existed but the pain and the memories. I knew that i was in a room, full of people and Carlisle and Esme were watching all fo this, but all of that just didn't exist to me. I couldn't feel the cold white tiles through the thin cotton trousers i wore, i couldn't feel the tears as they ran down my face and neck, drenching my shirt.

A heard a voice. A voice i knew. A voice i knew i could rely on. Ryan.

"Bella, come on. Snap out of it Bella, it's not real" He said distantly. But he was wrong, so wrong.

I could see it all. Going to our meadow for the first time, him running around me, him sparkling. Us confessing our love for each other, our first kiss. How could that not be real.

I felt warm hands on my arms. Ryan knew what i felt like when this happened, i explained it to him. He knew that touches would bring me back or help me.

"Come on Bella, it's okay. It's okay" He soothed. I used his voice and touch like an anchor, escaping the memories of him and us and finding my way back to "reality". I wasn't really sure what was real and what wasn't. I mean...vampires? Really? sometimes i think Ive been crazy for a lot longer than a few months, but when i try to tell myself that he wasn't real, i can't do it. He had to be real he just had to be.

Then i felt it. The cold tiles hurting my knees, my hands fisted in my hair, my cheeks sore from the salty tears. I could hear my piercing scream as it ripped from my throat, filling the room. My throat begged for me to stop, and my lungs begged for me to breathe. I scrunched my eyes up, just wanting to give in. I didn't want to hurt anymore, i didn't want to just live. I didn't want to live, not if this was all my life would be about.

"Bella, come on" I felt Ryan's hand around my wrist, warm. It felt wrong, i wanted cold. But i pushed that away, you never get what you want.

My tried to stifle my screams. It was like someone else was in control of me, but i managed to stop after a few moments, after i realised how. I opened my eyes, finding my vision was blurred by my tears. My breathing came in sharp pants as my lungs pleaded for more air. The tears still came, and i couldn't stop them.

"Come on" Ryan whispered close to me. I felt his hands prying at mine, i unfisted my hands from my hair. Ryan took them in his own, warming them up, while soothing me. My hands were always cold now, like the rest of me. I'm never warm anymore.

My knees protested as they pressed against the hard, cold tiles. I blinked a few times, causing the tears in my eyes, to run down my face, but it did clear my vision for a while. The room had been vacated, leaving only me and Ryan in it. I was glad that Carlisle and Esme weren't here anymore.

Ryan put his hand under my elbow to guide me upwards. Once i stood up, i swayed slightly. Crying and screaming always wore me out. Ryan steadied me, and put his arm around my waist, leading me in the direstion of my room. I leant against him, so heavily that he had to support most of my weight, which wasn't much.

I closed my eyes, letting him guide me. I heard a buzz, and a door opening and closing. He sat me on the edge of the bod, and swung my legs over and tucked the quilt over me. I didn't open my eyes.

I thought about what would happen next. That's what i hated most about this whole thing. The unpredictability of it all. But, what would happen?

I don't think Carlisle and Esme will be back, pretty sure i scared them off with my screaming fit. I had mixed emotions about that. I was sad, lonely and a pang of longing. But also of smugness.

_They should have thought before messing with me. Thought they would just mess with a human and that was it. Bet they never thought this would happen eh! Bitten off more that they can chew_

I allowed myself a smile at the last thought, a small smile.

but....

Now i was back to being alone with no-one here with me. But i was fine with that. I had already accepted that before that turned up again. I just had to accept it all over again.

I fell asleep knowing that no-one would be here when i wake up, and my life would go back to the way it was.

I honestly didn't know whether to smile or cry at that.

**Please review!!!!!  
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	10. Lost

**Disclaimer- I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT**

**BELLA'S PERSPECTIVE........**

**PREVIOUSLY...........**

_**They should have thought before messing with me. Thought they would just mess with a human and that was it. Bet they never thought this would happen eh! Bitten off more that they can chew**_

**I allowed myself a smile at the last thought, a small smile.**

**but....**

**Now i was back to being alone with no-one here with me. But i was fine with that. I had already accepted that before that turned up again. I just had to accept it all over again.**

**I fell asleep knowing that no-one would be here when i wake up, and my life would go back to the way it was.**

**I honestly didn't know whether to smile or cry at that.**

**NOW........ Edwards POV**

I have never seen Esme so happy.

She cooks, despite there being a lack of appetite. She gardens, even though there are no kids to play in it. She's....happy. Everywhere she goes, she whistles. If she isn't whistling she's smiling or laughing. Everyone else saw the difference in her. She no longer moped, her smile wasn't false and forced. But i saw deeper.

Esme had blamed herself for everything. She saw herself as Bella's mother, so of course she feels guilty for not being here to protect her, so comfort her. But now that Esme had Bella back, she wanted to make up for everything. She was willing to do anything for her, just so that she would be forgiven, or that she would get better. Though i doubt Bella actually blamed Esme for any part of this. Bella was too selfless, to forgiving to blame. At least she used to be.

But who knew now? So much had changed. She had lost her entire family and all her friends. Surely that must...change the person some what. Personally, i didn't care. I would love Bella no matter what, even if she hated me.

But everytime i tried to reassure Esme, she brushed it off. Saying that she needed to show Bella that she wanted to be there, and had to win her back. Her thoughts were consumed with Bella. The first time she saw her, when she hugged her, when she held her hand, when she spoke. Every little detail, every second she spent with Bella, ran over and over in her mind like a movie and i thanked her for it.

I may not be able to see her, but i already felt like i had.

Carlisle wasn't much better. Carlisle, the perfect surgeon vampire, actually messed up while doing open heart surgery. It was nothing serious, but he got dismissed by another doctor. He had been helping out at the hospital again, though the people still glared and muttered. He came home early that day, lost in his thoughts of Bella again. He didn't seem to register our curiosity when he walked in three hours early. When he told us, we laughed. It was the first time we had laughed in such a long time, it was wonderful.

Though everyone was happy that Esme and Carlisle were happy, and that Bella had accepted them, they were impatient. They didn't show it through actions or expressions or words, but their thoughts betrayed them. They wanted to meet Bella, to hug her, to hold her hand, to speak to her.

I overheard Emmett whining one day about it.

_**FLASHBACK**_

"Awww... how long do you think it will be till we can see her Rose?" He said in a childish whiny voice. I heard her sigh.

"I don't know Em, when she's ready. We have to give her time to adjust" Perhaps Rose was the one who had changed the most. She was compassionate about Bella, like the big sister the should have been.

" I know, i just miss my sis. I have to make it up to her somehow" He said sadly. They were sat in the sitting room curled up together on the settee.

"Em, we left her, she put all her trust in us, and we betrayed it. She has to learn to trust us again. As soon as Esme and Carlisle are sure that she is ready, we can go and see her. But no sooner, we wanna help Em, we're doin this for her as well as us remember? She doesn't have anyone for herself. We need her, we just have to see if she needs us in return"

"Or if she wants us" Emmett said quietly.

"It'll all work out baby, it has to" Rose soothed Emmett.

_**END FLASHBACK**_

It became routine to congregate on the sofas, waiting for Carlisle and Esme to come home and tell us what had happened on that day. Everything would stop at half past four, no matter what we were doing and go to our places on the sofas. We made idle small talk, but usually waited in comfortable, but excited silence.

It was the fifth day that Esme had gone. She and Carlisle had set off that morning, hopeful and smiling widely like they did everytime they visited Bella. The car disappeared from view and we all dispersed thouought the house doing various things.

Rosalie was in the garage tuning up a car, Emmett and Jasper were playing chess while Alice helped Jasper to cheat by watching Emmett future moves. I chuckled from my place at my piano. I looked at the closed lid and sighed, wiping off the dust with my hand.

Everything had been covered in clothes, but had still gathered dust after the few months. We had come here for Carlisle, or so we had convinced ourselves. We were all masochists in a way. We all came back to Forks in hope of seeing Bella again, but we knew that we couldn't. Now that...this had happened Carlisle had made the nessesary excuses to his work and to our school and we were let as much time off as we needed.

Still, i hadn't played my piano since we left. It felt wrong. I played for my Bella, to make her smile and weep tears of joy and happiness. Without Bella, i didn't see the point in playing anymore. It was a chore, and as such, i didn't do it anymore. I know it disappointed Esme and Alice, they loved to hear me play. They were sad about it, but didn't complain. They understood why i had done it. Everyone had changed something unconsciously because of Bella.

Me and my piano, Alice and her shopping, Jasper had pushed himself to his limits to control his thirst, something that we were all proud of him for. Emmett didn't make jokes or try to break uncomfortable silences, because he was right there with us. Rosalie gave up being bitchy and snidy, even in her thoughts. She was much easier and more pleasant to be around, it would have been nice if it wasn't for the reason why. Esme just.....gave up being a mother to us. Carlisle was no longer the strong leader he usually was. He second guessed himself all the time, wondering if what he was doing was the right thing.

Now, it had nearly gone back to normal. Jasper had better control now, and Rose was nicer, but everything else was back to normal. Nearly. We still missed one, critical member of our family, and without her we could never be whole again. We had to get her back somehow, if not, i wasn't sure what the family, as a whole, would do.

I sat down on the stool and let my finger drift softly over the ivory keys. I began playing the lullaby i had written long ago, her lullaby. No-one came to see what i was doing, though i did register shock and happiness in their thoughts as they heard me. They wanted me to get out of my rut, but i was unable to do it without Bella.

"Alice! Alice, what is it honey? What do you see?"

My fingers froze on the keys as i heard Jasper move to comfort Alice as she froze. I concentrated n her mind, but the vision left quickly and i didn't catch an of it. I heard a door open and shut and little feet padding down the steps of the stairs. I stood up and turned to Alice, anxious and nervous. This can't be good.

"What is it Alice?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper. So many things ran through my head, possible scenarios for her behaviour.

"I..I aren't sure. It's...blury. But something is going to set her back. Someone just made a decision, and it isn't going to end well. I couldn't see it clearly for...whatever reason, but i could tell that it was bad. Edward, something is going to set Bella back, maybe...push us away" She mumbled the last part.

Jasper moved and wrapped his arms around his wife from behind as she leant into him. I stared at the off-white wallpaper, not seeing it. She would push us away? Why?

"Are you sure Alice? Is it that bad?" Rose said at the foot of the stairs, leaning on the banister.

"It's bad. I can't be sure how bad it is, or the extent of the damage but it is bad" She rubbed her temples, like she had a headache.

We stood there for a while in silence, just thinking. We all moved and sat on the sofas, waiting for Carlisle and Esme to come back and see what the bad thing was that happened.

Our heards snapped up as we heard the tires on the gravel signalling Esme and Carlisles reurn. I glanced at the clock. it was only half past one, they usually get here by five. We all shared a significant look, and we knew that the "something" had happened. It seemed to take forever for them to park in the garage and walk through the house and into the living room.

They froze in the doorway. I could hear their confused thoughts as they took in our gief stricken faces. Usually, we are happy and excited when they get home. But we froze when we saw their faces. They looked....horrified. The pause lasted for about two sesonds, but they proceded and sat down on their chair. I could see the red rings around their eyes, signifying that they had been dry sobbing.

Yes, something bad had definately happened.

We sat in silence again, but we weren't in the mood for silence. We needed answers.

"What happened?!" Emmett nearly shouted at Carlisle.

"How-" Esme started, but Jasper explained, sounding rather depressed.

"Alice had a vision, though she didn't get a clear picture. She could tell something bad was going to happen, and what the consequenced might be"

"oh" They both nodded.

"Well, the doctor said it was time for Bella's "session" and we could go in with her" Carlisle paused as he gulped, squeezing Esmes hand tighter. "She basically called out Bella main fear and made us confirm it right there in front of her" He said angrily.

"She was so happy, and bouncy. As soon as Ryan mentioned her "session" she get all...closed off. We nearly had to drag her to the door. It started off...okay i suppose" Esme hesitated.

"Then she said that she had some...worries about us visiting. She said that Bella's happiness depended soley on our presense, and that when we left she would degress back to the way she was, or maybe even worse""

"We would never leave her again" I said vehemiantly. The others nodded, but Esme's frown deepened.

"We said that, but the doctor called us out on it" She sighed, looking me in the eye "We can't stay forever, no matter how much we want to. We don't know how long she could be in there for, and we have to move soon. As much as we want to, we can't be here forever"

I shuddered at the thought of Bella being in that place for the rest of her life. She didn't belong in there, she belonged here with us, with me. She wouldn't need medication or care here because we would heal each other. I needed her, we all did.

"I'm not leaving her again! I REFUSE!" Alice screamed from Jaspers lap.

"Alice-"

"NO! I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES, IF OUR SECRET IS REVEALED OR NOT! I - AM - NOT - LEAVING - MY SISTER - ALONE - AGAIN !" I had never seen Alice like this. Sure, she threw a strop now and then when she wanted something, but it was never this bad. Jasper was trying desperately to calm her down, but was doing so half heartedly. He didn't want to leave Bella either, and Alice was probably the best way to get to stay.

Once again, the room was silent.

"What happened next?" Rose whispered.

"As sson as the doctor said it, she shut herself off, and not like she did when i went alone, like she was before we were there. She just...stared. She didn't listen to a word we said in the office, and just sat there. She moved when we did, but we were holding her hands" Carlisle said running his hands through his hair.

"We sat her down and tried to talk to her. But she wouldn't.....she didn't......" She began sobbing into her hands, unable to finish but i saw it all.

Bella screaming at Esme and Carlisle, yelling at them, asking why they were here. Esme mentioning me......Bella screaming. On her knees on the floor screaming, pulling her hair out.....screaming.

Carlisle looked at me apologetically, while comforting his wife.

"It seemed that...Bella can't handle Edwards name being mentioned" He said slowly.

"But i heard the doctor say it that day when she was there, she was alright" Emmett said, not wanting it to be true.

"She wasn't alright Em. She was numb. She hurt when she said Edwards name, but she was too numb to really show it. She's gotten out of her numb state, so...it wasn't numbed, and she couldn't hide it" Jasper said quietly, not wanting to speak like Bella like some experiment.

"So...what happened?"

"She screamed. She looked so......pained. She just dropped to her knees and screamed. Ryan came in after a few minutes and tried to calm her down but it was like she couldn't hear him. He told us it would be better if we went so we did" Carlisle said, and i could tell he was trying to hold himself together. The thought of loosing his daughter again was too painful to think about.

"So...what now?" Alice asked.

"Bella said that she didn't know why we were there if we were going to leave again. We have to decide...if it's better to leave now and not let her get too close and hrut her even more later, or stay for as long as possible, spend as much time with her as possible, but in the long run cause her more pain when we leave"

"I said- I'm not leaving her! I'll go in a disguise or something, i don't care! I'm not going to leave her to rot in that horrible place" We realised then why she was doing this.

She didn't want Bella to suffer like she had done in that institution. Alice was abandoned by her family, thrown away, and she was right. We couldn't do that to Bella.

"Think about it guys" Her tone softened to almost a whisper "if you were Bella, no family or friends, stuck in that place. It would make it that bit easy, better, to know that there was someone out there that was waiting for you" She stared off into space.

"She's right. If we leave, Bella would be left with no one again. Besides, there is still this thing with the vamp that was after her" Jasper tagged on the end, hoping that Bella's safety would sway them.

"Okay, we'll stay. Unless something happens, or...Bella tells us to, we aren't going anywhere" Carlisle said.

"Not without Bella" Esme finished.

"So, that's in the long run, what about now, tomorrow?" Emmett said, thinking his hopes of seeing Bella had gone out of the window.

"Ryan said that we shouldn't go in tomorrow, give her some time. We just have to wait and see......" Carlisle trailed off.

"If she ever wants to see us again" Rose finished for him.

We all went our seperate ways again. The happy and light atmosphere lost, the depressing lost one returning. It pressed in around us all, around the house. I had to get out of here.

I didn't tell anyone i was going. I just jumped off my balcony and ran as fast as i could into the woods. I knew what i was looking for and i found it.

Our meadow

I sat down again in the same spot i had when Bella was with me, but this time i didn't imagine. I couldn't escape this, and i wasn't going to be a coward and try. I had to face this head on, no matter how much it hurt me.

I could loose Bella for good.

Yes, it hurt. The thought of never seeing her smile or hear her laugh haunted me. I had always held on to the hope that if i did return one day, which i know i would because i simply wasn't strong enough to stay away, that we could start again.

But if she was the one to push me away, push us all away...i couldn't imagine how much that would hurt. But...that is what Bella had gone through, that is what i had done to her. She had every right to push us away and never lay eyes on us again after what we did to her, or failed to do. I just prayed that she didn't.

What if she hated us? Despised us? We deserved it.

What if she never spoke to us again? We deserved it.

We deserved everything she gave us, and we would take it without complaint, because it's the least we can do.

xxxxxxxxxx

**Edward, please come back.  
Esme is worried you'll do something crazy  
we're all hurting Edward, you aren't on your own**

The text from Alice read. I scoffed at the little screen.

Of course I was alone and it was my fault. I pushed away the one person I wanted, the one person I needed.

Sighing, I picked myself up off the forest floor i had been curled up on for the past four hours. I brushed the leaves and twigs off me as i ran back home and through the door. My family looked up when i got in, but didn't say anything.

They were sat with their other halfs, their soulmates. And where was mine? Miles away in a mental institution. And why? Because I failed her in every way possible. I broke my promises, i lied, i left her unprotected when it was my fault she was in danger. I made my way over to the stairs. I couldn't stand being around them, seeing them in love and holding each other.

I needed to be by myself. I slid the lock across the door and slid down the wall beside it. I knew that the lock wouldn't stop any of them, but they knew what it meant.

Was this how she felt when i left?

_No. She hasn't lied to you, made you promises she didn't keep. She hasn't broken your heart, you have_ I thought to myself.

And it was true. This was all my fault. If i had never been so stupid, if i had just listened to Alice and Emmett's pleas to stay with her, then none of this would never have happened. We would probably be engaged by now actually. I knew i was going to do it as soon as she left school. We would have been married in a few months, going to Esme's Island for our honeymoon.

But not now. No, because i had to go and mess it all up.

xxxxxxxxx

Two days we got a call from Ryan in the morning. He told Carlisle that he and Esme shouldn't come in, that Bella wasn't ready yet. They agreed of course and carried on with their day, trying to ignore the fact that their daughter didn't want to see them. It was heartbreaking to listen to their thoughts.

Esme had lost children, but she had never had them leave her, push her away. She didn't take it well. She locked herself away in her room for three days, sobbing and yelling and screaming that it was all her fault. Anytime anyone tried to convince her otherwise she would attack them. Yes, attack them. After the third time on the first day, we left her alone.

Carlisle coped differently. He immersed himself in work, hardly ever home. I knew he was trying to keep his mind off Bella, but with a mind as big as ours, the task was near impossible, as he found out.

It lasted a week. Ryan called every morning and told them she wasn't ready, every day it broke their heart. After the seventh call, Ryan said that unless he did call, don't come. So we all waited for the call, every morning we waited, and it never came.

Another week went by much the same. Esme had apologised, but was spending most of her time out in her garden. It was rare to see Carlisle now even when we don't sleep. The family was falling apart again.

I heard Jaspers thoughts one day as he sat with Alice in their room.

_How can all our happiness rest with one girl? A human girl? How can she have this effect on us? How can we love her like one of our own, when she isn't? _he thought. I understood his thinking.

"Because it's Bella" I whispered as i passed their door. Jasper nodded appreciatively. The others, having heard me were confused but didn't question it.

After that week, we had given up. No one consciously said it, but i could hear it in their thoughts. They didn't wait for the phone to ring anymore, accepting that it wouldn't. The main thing bothering us was Alice's failure to see anything regarding Bella.

She could only get a faint blur of her, like what she was feeling, or what would happen roughly. Like the "bad thing", she didn't know. Like now. She didn't know. There wasn't even a blur, she just....wasn't there. Carlisle said that it might have something to do with the medication, it has been known to interfere with vampires' abilities.

Medication. Bella didn't need medication. She wasn't unstable. She was....Bella.

It was Tuesday. Carlisle, once again, was working all day, coming home at about ten at night. Esme was in the garden, planting and deweeding. Emmett and Jasper was sat on the sofas trying to seem normal by playing on the X Box. Alice and Rose had gone shopping, unable to stay around for much longer. And me, i was sat on my bed. Sad, i know.

My entire family were hurting, and i should be making an effort to keep myself and everyone else together. But....i couldn't find the strength. The morning had come and gone without a phone call, again.

I listened to Emmett and Jasper playing on the X Box, allowing their playful banter to fill me ears, blocking out theirs and Esme's thoughts about Bella. The sudden shrill ring of the phone filled the house. Esme, too lost in her own mind, didn't hear it from her perch on the rock outside. Emmett and Jasper, however, paused the game and stared at the phone like it was going to jump up and bite them.

I did let myself get carried away, thinking it was Bella, but one look at the clock reduced my hopes to dust. It was half one, too late for the "visiting call". I sighed, sinking back to my place on the floor, unaware than i had gotten up.

"It's probably just a telemarketer" I mumbled, knowing they could hear me. I heard them relax and Emmett rise off the floor to get the phone.

He chuckled a little at his stupidity, shaking his head as he walked.

"Don't you dare unpause that game Jazz" he warned playfully. Jasper just rolled his eyes and tossed his controller on the sofa, laying back on the floor where he had been sitting.

"Only if you hurry your ass up. Don't make them tell you everything they know like last time please, it was almost painful to hear you speak about loans and mortgages" Jasper said, looking at the ceiling. After sending Jasper one last glare, Emmett picked up the phone.

"Hello?" He said in the most bored voice he could manage.

There was no response from the person on the end of the line.

"Hello? Is anyone there?" Emmett said, curiosity colouring his voice.

Still, there was no answer.

_Edward, tell Emmett not to hang up the phone _I heard Alice say. She and Rose were driving back here as fast as they could. I was confused at her request, but agreed.

"Em, Alice says-"I was cut off by the sound of the dial tone.

I ran to the top of the stairs in time to see Emmett put the phone back on the receiver. He looked up at me.

"What did Ali say?" he said curious.

"Why did you hang up?" I said almost angrily.

"Whoa bro, calm down. They put the phone down first, and I am not standing there with the phone next to my ear when there was no one on the other end am I?" He said sarcastically.

"Alice said to tell you not to hang up" I said, walking down the stairs and standing next to him.

"Really? Why?" he said, looking guilty.

The door opened and hit the wall behind it with a crack. Alice stormed in less than a second later, fuming by the looks of it, heading straight for Emmett.

"I'll tell you why! Because that was Bella" She said standing right in front of Emmett, pointing to the phone.

He looked at the phone, then back to Alice, then back again and again and again. It was like watching him watch a tennis game.

"That…that was…Bella?" He stuttered out. Alice sighed, relaxing a little and stepping away from Emmett. Jasper ran to her and hugged her fiercely.

"Are you sure?" he whispered. Alice nodded.

"What if-"Emmett started but was interrupted by the phone ringing again. We all stared at it again like it was going to dance around the room any minute.

"Who-?" I asked.

"Rose" Alice said immediately.

"Me?" She looked unsure, and her thoughts proved it. She thought Bella hated her because of how she treated her before.

"Yeah, and hurry before she puts the phone down again" Alice said grabbing the phone, accepting it and shoving it in Rosalie's hand. She lifted it hesitantly to her ear.

"Hello?" We all waited in silence, not even breathing, waiting for her to say anything.

After two minutes of heavy, uneven breathing, she spoke. Even over the phone she sounded like an angel.

"Is…is Esme there please?" She whispered. I could tell she had been crying, but my face broke into a smile. I almost forgot Rose was supposed to be answering.

"Yeah, one minute" She said sweetly. We all followed as she walked out, being as quiet as possible, into the garden. Esme looked up at all of us smiling, looking confused.

Before she could speak Rose held the phone out, covering the mouthpiece with her hand.

"It's Bella" She said. Esme looked shocked for about a second before the phone was out of Rose' hand and clutched so tightly in Esme's that I thought it would break.

"Bella…." She said, turning her back to us.

"Mom……"


	11. Lesson Learned

**Disclaimer- I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT**

**BELLA'S PERSPECTIVE........**

**PREVIOUSLY...........**

_**They should have thought before messing with me. Thought they would just mess with a human and that was it. Bet they never thought this would happen eh! Bitten off more that they can chew**_

**I allowed myself a smile at the last thought, a small smile.**

**but....**

**Now i was back to being alone with no-one here with me. But i was fine with that. I had already accepted that before that turned up again. I just had to accept it all over again.**

**I fell asleep knowing that no-one would be here when i wake up, and my life would go back to the way it was.**

**I honestly didn't know whether to smile or cry at that.**

**NOW...............**

I woke from my nightmare to no-one in the room. It wasn't a particularly bad nightmare, definitely not one of the worst, so it wouldn't attract too much attention. It was just the old abandonment dream again, where they left.

Did i do the right thing?

I pushed that thought aside. Of course i did the right thing. And, god it felt good.

I got out of bed, stretching and yawning, making my way over to my door and pressing the buzzer. I hummed a little tune as i waited.

_Bella, you okay?_ I heard Ryan ask.

"Yep" I said cheerfully.

I stepped back as the door buzzed, letting the door swing open without it hitting me. He looked....anxious and....confused.

"Bella, you okay?" he asked again. I rolled my eyes at him, skipping forward to him.

"Yes, again. I'm hungry Ryan, can i have breakfast?" I said, smiling at him.

He blinked rapidly, stuttering a yes and moving out of the way.

I skipped out and over to the dining area, sitting in my designated seat and waited happily for my food. I really was hungry.

I scoffed down my weetabix fast and pushed it away when i was done. Ryan sat next to me, giving me that serious look.

"Are you sure you're okay? After what happened.... Do you want me to phone them?......" he trailed off looking nervous.

"I'm fine. I'm better off without them" I said confidently.

Ryan never asked me again because he was answered with an eye roll. I spent the rest of my day....being bored. I didn't really mind. I was still on my little control high. Because that's what it was.

I took control of the situation. I wasn't going to let them walk all over me again, so i stopped them. It felt amazing to actually be the one calling the shots. They didn't make my decisions for me anymore, like they used to. I have a voice, and an opinion and i will voice them. I will not be a door mat any longer. Vampire or not, i refuse.

I nearly chuckled at that thought.

I actually pushed away a vampire. I controlled, notonly one, but two vampires. I was much the same for the next two days, on my little personal cloud was concerned, i could tell by the looks he would send me. He was waiting for me to fall apart. All the staff began to watch me closely, sometimes i would have two or three "shadowing" me at a time, along with Ryan. It annoyed me, but i let them do their job. They were waiting for me to break down again, they would be waiting a long time.

Or so i thought.

It was the fourthmorning, and i woke up particularly early. I layed there in bed, staring at the white ceiling, just thinking about everything. I glance at the chair a few times, and i knew i shouldn't have.

Alone.

I thought i was controlling the situation, and maybe i was, but i did it the wrong way. I was alone, and maybe that was safer, but it was a damn site lonelier. Once again, i had no-one.

But...did i do the right thing?

Push them away before they even had the chance to hurt me? Did that make me a masochist? All i wanted was someone to talk to about all of this, to relate to, someone i could trust. And i threw it all away.

_Better now when you weren't too close, then in a few months when you get too deep_

I nearly laughed at myself.

How could i not be close to them? Even after all they have done, i welcomed them back with open arms, well, after a few arguments. Even when i wanted to hate them, i loved them. It felt.....wrong to hate them. Yes, i hated them, how could i not after everything they did? But...i loved them at the same time.

How messed up is this? I would make myself even more insane if i kept this up.

I sighed, turning and leaning back, resting my head on the cold, smooth, white wall. I let my legs dangle over the edge and swung them too and frow like a child.

Staring at the quilt shifting in time with my legs, i realised something.

I was happy.

Before they started to visit me, i was....just breathing, not really living. But, look at me now. I moved on my own, i am actually _swinging my legs like i child! _This is the effect they had on me. They helped me, partially healed me. I hung my head, resting it in my hands.

I pushed them away again. I scared them away.

They were here off their own back. They wanted to be here. I wanted them here. So...pushed them away? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

The come down from my little high was fast. The smile faded, and the swinging stopped. I glanced at the empty, old chair in the corner.

Alone

I layed back and stared at the ceiling again. Plain, boring, never changing, forever the same. My life. Wow, did i just relate to a ceiling?!

What do i do?

Ask Ryan to call them? Apologize?

Do i have the right to ask them to come back? Do they even want to? I screamed and yelled at them, then just screamed. I'm pretty sure they gotscared away. Besides, It's like a roller coaster with me. One minute your my favourite person, next i could hate you. It goes to show that i think too much. They don't deserve to be put through that.

No, i may miss them, but they did fine without me. When they...left...the first time, they did fine. It would be the same this time. I would not drag them down with me! They deserved to be happy. And me.....after all I've done, i deserve to rot in hell. I deserved all the pain, i deserved to be alone. It was probably safer for them anyway.

I curled up in a ball, scrunching up the quilt around me. I let my head hit the wall, letting the dull throb pound in my forehead. I wrapped my arms around my legs beneath the quilt, feeling oddly cold. I shivered and shook, knowing that it wasn't heat that i needed to warm me up.

That was how Ryan found me. I had been getting up early for the past three days, so i guess he was concerned when i didn't ask to be let out. I didn't look at him, focusing on the wall inches from my eyes. I heard heavy footsteps behind him, and they paused near him.

"It's happened" One said glumly. I heard three sighs.

I blocked out their voices and heavy footsteps as they approached me. Ryan sat near me, i could smell his scent. I could hear his voice, but it was muffled, and i didn't want to know what he was saying. Again, i was prodded and poked. They left me alone after a few hours, but still i didn't move. I knew they would be watching from the camera room. I kept as still as i could, only moving when i breathed in and out.

Ryan came in and put a bowl of weetabix on my bed side table. My back was to the entire room, curled up tightly, like i could just disappear within myself. If only. I could hear as he put the pills i took beside the bowl and leave. He trusted me not to do anything dangerous. I could feel my eyes getting heavy, but i fought against it.

I didn't deserve to get rest.

I was a monster, and the worst kind. I knew what i was doing, and i even enjoyed it. I am truly sick and twisted.

Unlike last time though, i spoke. Only four words whenever someone shoved pills or food in front of me.

"I don't deserve it" I would say before closing my eyes and blocking them out again.

I was like that for....i aren't sure. My mind went in a circle of things i had done wrong in my life. Of how things had gone if i had never moved to Forks, or i had heeded Ed- HIS warning, and stayed well away from him and his family. I couldn't imagine my life without them though.

I probably tore their family apart. It must have been so hard to have a human around the house all the time, but they never complained once. They were so good to me, and i was blind to everything they did. And now......

I wondered what they would be doing. Carlisle had said something about sticking around for me. But...if i had pushed them away, then they would have left. It was over six days ago. They would be long gone, this time with no human holding them back.

I hope i didn't insult Esme too much, she's so gentle and caring that she probably took everything i said to heart. And Carlisle, he tried to help me, even read all of my files, to help me. Yes, i wasn't happy at the time that he knew every single thing that was wrong with me. It was enbarrassingto say the least, but it didn't seem to bother them. And i had to admit, i had never been so close to them. I saw them as parents, but i had never sat for hours and hours just talking to them. I didn't even do that with my own p-

I mentally shook myself. Them being here, and visiting me had lowered the barrier i had put around memories and thoughts. Well, weakened them.

On the tenth day - Ryan told me - Ryan sat and spoke to me. And...i spoke back. I had to tell someone, of course not everything, but some of it.

"Please Bella, just....eat, move, take your medication" he begged me after i uncurled myself and turned around.

"I don't deserve it Ryan. I'm a monster. I deserve the pain and everything else, the thirst and the rejection, all the loneliness. It's mine to bear, and i will do so without complaint" I said in the dead voice i had adapted to.

"Have you been having hallucinations?" he said concern colouring his voice.

I didn't reply. Yes, i had been having hallucinations. Frequently. In fact, next to the door right now is a vampire that wants to kill me. No, i would get sent to a padded room for sure. The pills usually kept the hallucinations and voices' away, but when i didn't have them.....

The fear, the panic, the adrenaline all had me clenching the quilt and tensing. I knew it wasn't real, i knew it, but i just couldn't help but think it was. I knew that if there was a vampire in the room Ryan would know.

The voices also came, but less frequently. I would hear a sneer or sometimes, i would just have a running commentary to everything someone is saying. In those times, i had to restrain myself to notscream and tell them to shut up. Sometimes it was conversations that i had, had withCharlie or Renee or Angela, or...HIM. They were the hardest, because with the voice came the memories.

I knew Ryan was frantic because he knew he couldn't help me. On the thirteenth day he told me something, a scare tactic i think.

"Bella, if you don't eat or take your medication...they're gunno take you away. You've gotanother four days before they step in. Please Bella, help yourself" he pleaded with me again.

Myself? Why would i do this for myself? Yeah, i would get better, and i would get released and yippee for me. But how could i live a normal life after this? How could i get a job after this? People would know and i would be treated differently. And...i would be alone once again. I could make new friends, but i wouldn't put anyone in that danger.

This was my life, and i had to accept that. No knight in shining armour was here to rescue me this time. I was on my own, and despite all of my protesting, i did need someone to help me, because i couldn't do this on my own. But i couldn't put someone in that position, not again. One single tear escaped my hold.

Sleep deprivation really hammers your emotions to pieces. I had slept maybe six hours in the past twelve nights. Four days ago they tried to give me drugs and a feeding tube but i screamed and screamed until they backed off.

So i spent the next night in the same position as always. Curled up, eyes staring blankly at the wall, too consumed in my own thoughts to hear or sense anything else. In the morning however, i got a surprise.

I was startled and somewhat shocked to find myself in Ryan's arms cradled to his chest, but he wasn't being gentle or sympathetic. One look on his face had me looking away.

He was angry

I had never seen Ryan angry in all my time here. He was too gentle and loving to be angry. But it seemed i had pushed some buttons and had pissed him off.

I heard the door buzz and the silence was thick. It seemed everyone in the room had frozen, but a sudden surge of muttering and whispers sounded after a few seconds. I didn't know where i was going because Ryan had shielded my eyes from anything around me apart from my right side.

I heard another door buzz and saw the shadow go over us and the door click as it close behind him. He walked forward and sat me on a wooden bench. I was in the shower room, but the staff one. It was much the same as ours, only smaller. The wooden bench was cold and it seeped through my thin cotton bottoms.

I heard him walk away from me and panicked for a moment. It was pitch black in here and i couldn't see a thing. I heard a click as he flicked the light switch. The lights flickered for a few seconds before turning on fully. Ryan stood just at the side of the door, arms folded and he looked very very pissed.

He walked up to me, bending down so he was my level. He looked at me in the eye, and i was frozen. For the first time, i wasn't sure about what he was going to do. He drew his hand back and for a second i thought he was going to hit me and i flinched away from him.

He sighed and pulled his hand forward again, holding out his palm to reveal a mobile phone. I looked at it confused when he offered it to me.

"Call them Bella" He said in a demanding voice i had never heard him use. I shook my head. They didn't deserve to be put through this.

He sighed angrily "For Gods sake Bella, call them! They want to hear from you, truly they do! But you have to call them first" he said angrily. I stared at the phone in his palm, knowing my resolve was crumbling.

I wanted to speak to them, to hear their voices again. The need grew the longer i stared at the phone. Probably seeing my resolve crash and burn at my feet, he handed me the phone, waiting for me to take it. I did, and it felt great. I could speak to them.

He straightened out, sighing again. I looked up at him again. "No-one will bother you, and take as long as you want. I'll be outside if you need me okay?" he asked and i nodded.

He left the room quickly, not looking back. I sat staring at the phone in my hand for a while. I could speak to them right now if i just dialed the numbers. I hesitantly pressed a random key to make the screen light up. Their number was on the screen, and all i had could pressing a button be so hard to call it. How could pressing a button be so hard?

I stood up quickly and ran to switch the light off again. I was instantly plunged into darkness and i relaxed. I liked the darkness, i didn't have to hide. I felt around the wall and gave up on finding the bench again. I sunk to the floor, my shirt riding up my back, exposing my back to the cold wall. I shuddered and pulled it down. I looked down at the the phone in my hand.

I sat staring at it for about ten or fifteen minutes. I needed to speak to Carlisle or Esme. Not want, need. I wondered idly if it was unhealthy for me to be so dependant on someone. I pressed the green button, and pressed it my ear. I refused to be conquered by a green button! As the ringing began, i started to question whether or not i should hang up.

_You can't. You've phoned up, and there is no going back. They'll know it was you anyway _

There was no way out of this. I wanted this, so why was so scared and nervous? After a few minutes of ringing, i began to think they were out. I was just about to give up when i heard a beep and a voice. A very familiar voice. A voice i would know anywhere, even when it's distorted by the phone.

Emmett.

I couldn't breath. Emmett. How could i forget the others? In my haste to contact Esme and Carlisle, i had totally forgotten about the other people that lived with them. What could i do? If i moved, he would hear me, and if the others were there, they would too. If i made any sound they7 would know.

Would that be such a bad thing?

Esme and Carlisle were okay, so the others........

I couldn't take that chance. I just...couldn't. I wanted to scream down the phone, to cry and yell at him to recognise me. But i couldn't. I couldn't make myself breath, and i knew that i would pass out if i didn't soon. I could hear as he got agitated. When he first answered he sounded slightly scared. I wonder why. He probably thought someone was playing a prank on him.

I could feel the tears stinging my eyes and i tried to hold them back. But they were rolling down my face and onto my shirt. I bit my lip to hold back the sobs and was glad i succeeded. I was talking to Emmett. My brother. My friend. But i couldn't speak. A sudden thought had me gasp. What if Alice saw this?

Quicker than i thought possible, i ripped the phone away from my ear and ended the call. They knew it was me. Alice had been watching me, and as soon as i made my decision, they would know. They knew. Had they been watching me these past two weeks? Had they seen everything i had done?

I looked down at the phone in my hand. I still wanted to speak to Esme or Carlisle, now more than ever. I wanted to speak to Emmett and Jasper and see how they were. I wanted to hear Alice rope me into going shopping and Rose hating my guts and calling me "the human" I wanted everything to go back to how it was. I want everything to be normal.

I promised myself i would speak next time. Taking deep breaths, i pressed the green button again and held it to my ear. I couldn't help the tears as they continued to spill over. I gulped when i heard the line pick up and not Emmett's voice, but Rose'. God, i missed her glaring and snidey remarks she thought i couldn't hear.

"Hello?" Why was she so cheerful? Guess not everyone is depressed, lucky for some.

"Can i speak to Esme please?" Why does my voice shake now? I'm sure she recognised my voice, vampires have photographic memory for sounds and images. If she did know it was me, she didn't show it. She said yes and the line was silent for a moment. A few sobs escaped and i struggled ot hold them in. I didn't want to breakdown on the phone. I was trying to convince her i wasn't crazy.

I heard muffled voices, female voices. A loud roar sounded in my ear, like air being blown into the mouthpiece.

"Bella......." She sounded so....hopeful, so sad. The sobs couldn't be restrained any longer.

"Mom....." Was all i could say before i was made incoherent. I could hear her sobbing as well, though no tears.

We both calmed down after a few moments. Well, enough to speak anyway.

"Esme, I'm so sorry. I wasn't.....i didn't.....I'm sorry" That was all i could say? After all i have out her through all you can splutter out is a pitiful sorry.

"You have nothing to be sorry about Bella. I have missed you so much" She whispered sincerely.

"I've missed you too. And Carlisle" I said quietly. What do i do now? Luckily, Esme took the job away from me.

"Bella, would it be okay if i...visited you?" She sounded so unsure, so hesitant. It broke my heart. Of course a mother can visit her daughter.

"Yes" Was all i could choke out before i was sobbing again. The sound of rushing air filled the speaker again, but notas loud. It cut off with a thud, and i was momentarily worried that something had happened to Esme.

"I'm coming Bella. I'll be there in about thirty minutes okay?" She was in the car. Explains the thud.

It sounded like she was saying goodbye. I didn't reply, not wanting to say the word to end the conversation.

"I'm not going anywhere Bella" She said strongly. It seemed she shared my sentiments.

It didn't matter that we didn't say anything after that. I felt so connected to her, like she was actually there with me. I hadn't realised how tense i was until i relaxed against the wall. I felt all the rejected sleep crash against me, and i struggled to keep my eyes open. I couldn't. All i could hear was the soft hum of Esme's engine as she pushed it past it's limits no doubt. The room was silent and black, and when i closed my eyes i couldn't tell the difference.

I heard the voice that only i can hear. The voice inside my head.

"She won't come you know. She hates you, they all do" It said. I told myself that it wasn't real, that what it said was all lies. It was very hard to argue with yourself.

I smiled, allowing myself to be happy. I would see Esme in a few minutes. All i had to do was stay awake long enough to see her. Not that hard, , or so you would think huh?

But i fell asleep. The one time i wanted to be conscious, and i fell asleep. Just my luck. Though it was only a light sleep, so i wasn't going to worry about having nightmares or anything. I could still feel the phone in my hand, pressed against my ear and i could feel the wall against my back. Time became irrelevant to me, but after sometime period, i heard the door buzz and someone come in, and the door click closed again.

I was too lost in dream land to really acknowledge it. I felt someone approach me, their footsteps echoing slightly in the tiny room. The paused a little to my left.

"Bella?" I felt a cold hand touch my face. Esme. Great, she was here, right now, and i was barely even conscious.

"Ess...me?" I slurred, scrunching my eyes up, willing them up open.

"Ssshhh....it's okay honey. Go back to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up" And with that, i was totally lost to the world. This was no hallucination, and i knew it. Hallucinations never touched me, they aren't solid. Esme was real. She was here. Now all i had to do was WAKE UP!

I heard the door click open again, but didn't hear anything after that. I sunk deeper into sleep, sighing. Sleep. It was uncontrollable, annoying and a waste of time. I loved it.

So, once again, i had no dreams. Though, i was very cold. My stomach, head and arms were anyway. But not a freezing cold, a nice cold. I would have to ask about that. I woke up fully, but didn't open my eyes. I still felt the coldness against my skin and through my thin clothes. Something....wasn't right.

I wasn't laid in my usual fetal position. I was draped over something. I could feel my legs on the bed, but my body was raised higher. It wasn't...uncomfortable, quite the opposite actually. But it was hard, not like a squishy cushion. And..it was moving. I felt something run through my hair.

My eyes flew open as i realised. Something cold, hard and comfy. I had slept like this over someone before. A vampire.

Esme

Before i could even say anything, i yawned involuntarily, and loudly. The hands froze momentarily as she let out a little chuckle, but carried on straight after.

"Morning baby" She whispered. I pressed my face into her stomach and wrapped my arms around her as best i could, and squeezed. I couldn't help the tears that escaped my eyes, or the trembles that wracked my body. Her arms wrapped around me and pressed me even tighter to her. I wasn't complaining.

"I'm so sorry. I was stupid. I didn't mean to push you away. I wasn't thinking. Please" My pleas were muffled by her shirt, but i know she could hear me perfectly.

"I understand, and so does Carlisle" He said assuring. Carlisle? She answered my question before i asked it.

"He couldn't come. When you phoned, he was helping out at the hospital. He didn't know" That confused me.

"Didn't Alice see this?" Not really wanting to know the answer.

"Well, from what i have gathered, yes. Her and Rose were out shopping when you first phoned. She had a vision when she was out and raced back trying to catch you. She ran in seconds after you hung up, and told everyone who it was. When you phoned back, they knew who it was" She said. I stayed in silence.

"I'm-"

"Bella, how about we make a deal. We both have a lot of apologizing to do to each other, so how about we don't. No more apologies. They are not needed" I sat up, missing the cold instantly, looking her in the eye. They were pink, she had been crying. I wondered, dismally, what i must look like.

"O....kay" I said hesitantly. She opened her mouth to say something, when the door buzzed and opened. A very worried, but pleased looking Ryan came in, holding a tray with a bowl on it. he stopped just in front of the door as it closed.

"Weetabix?"I said, looking up from the quilt.

He rolled his eyes and smiled, walking forward. "Like always" he set it down in front of me, handing me the spoon and bowing when i took it. I ate it fast, loving every morsel of it.

It was the best day ever. The only time i left Esme was when i went to get a shower and get cleaned up. God, i looked rough. Huge bags hung low under my eyes, my hair was tangled in a birds nest on my head. Plus, because of my recent fast, i was even thinner than before. I pushed away from the mirror before i scrutinized every flaw i had and got redressed and headed back to Esme at a run.

We stayed in my room, usually just laid together on my bed. Me beneath the covers, and her on top of them, she didn't "want to make me cold". I scoffed at her, but complied. We laid in silence. She ran her hands through my hair and i would trace lines up and down her shirt. I had missed my mum a lot. That thought made me feel so sick and guilty. Mum. Renee. Though i hardly ever called her it, she was my mum. I missed her a lot and...i can't just replace her. I could never replace her. But..Esme wasn't replacing her, she was..another mum, like she used to be.

With that in mind i relaxed again and let Esme soothe my worries. But...like the others it couldn't last. Ryan came in, looking sheepish and i knew why. I clung on to Esme tightly, and she didn't pull away.

"Bella, it's okay, i-" I interrupted her. I looked up at her, my vision blurring with tears of fear and sadness.

"Please don't leave me" I begged her. Her face fell, then set firm.

"Never" She said strongly, looking me in the eye. We held the eye contact for a while, and i believed every word she said. She broke it by looking over my shoulder, towards the door, and Ryan.

"Could i stay here tonight?" She asked, sounding hopeful and pleading. I watched Ryan with pleading eyes. He caught my eyes and smiled mischievously, just like Emmett.

"Bella, would you say that....if Esme went home, you would stop eating and refuse to take your medication?" He smiled at me, that sparkle in his eyes.

I could hear Esme behind me protesting and denying it, she didn't know what we were up to.

"Yes i would. I would never eat again" I said, smiling at him. He looked at Esme, his face fakely serious.

"Well, it seems we have no choice in the matter then" He smiled broadly as did Esme after she caught on. "I'll go and get the bed" he said before disappearing. I turned back to Esme and hugged her fiercely.

"Couldn't he get sacked for that?" She asked worriedly. I frowned slightly.

"Yeah, he could get sacked for half of the stuff he does for me. Like the phone, and the breakfast in here, the shower by myself, and the fact he touches me" I said. I saw her confusion with the last one.

"Well, they aren't supposed to touch us because we are "unstable" or whatever, but I don't care, so neither does Ryan. I have told him to stop, but he says he doesn't care" I finished, loving Ryan even more.

Ryan came in and set up the bed with all the bedding on it. I shared a look with Esme and smiled. Like she would even need it! At ten o'clock Ryan told me i needed to get some sleep and i wasn't in the mood to argue. I was still very tired. I smiled as i rested my head back on Esme's stomach.

"Won't you get bored?" I asked worriedly. I didn't want her to get bored while i slept.

"How could a mother ever get bored of her daughter?" She said simply as an answer. I smiled again and closed my eyes, letting Esme's humming lull me to sleep.

Once again it was a dreamless night. It was wonderful to wake up actually feeling like i had slept. Although it is a little disorienting when one minute you close your eyes and it's dark, and when you open them it's light. I could get used to this no nightmare business. I was still layed on Esme, and was greeted by a dazzling smile and assurance that she didn't get bored.

Today was much like yesterday, only this time we spoke. I wanted to know about the other Cullens, how they were and what they had done. I almost cried when she told me, actually, i did.

She seemed reluctant, but went ahead. "Well, after we left, we weren't the same. Everyone changed in some way. Carlisle lived to work, and we hardly ever saw him. Because he is the leader, he put all blame on himself. Alice never shopped, saying it was a waste of time. Jasper...Jasper worked so hard to control his thirst" A smile crept up on her face as she spoke of her son.

"He actually went to the hospital with Carlisle and was there when someone came in. He wasn't even effected by it. We were all so proud of him" I smiled too, glad that this situation had helped someone. I knew how much his thirst plagued him, and was happy to know that that burden had been lessened.

"Rose...she felt so guilty for how she treated you Bella. She saw how much you meant to us, you made us all....human again. Before, we would just act it, but you made us come alive again Bella. You made us happy. We can't be happy without you. She isn't mean anymore, and makes an effort to keep comments to herself" She said, her stomach rising and falling as she spoke, making my head rise and fall in sync. I stayed silent, wanting to hear more. I could hear the sadness in her voice, i would ask later.

"Emmett.....He never wanted to leave, none of us did. But you know how close he was to you. You were the little sister he lost, and he loved you so much. He never played pranks or tried to ease the tension anymore. But..when we found out what happened to you....he blamed himself. I mean, we all did, but Emmett especially."

"What? Why?!" How could he blame himself? It's not like it's his fault.

"Bella, Emmett grew up in a time where men took care of women with their lives. Now, Emmett does try to take care of us all, being all protective, but we don't really need it. When he met you, he took it as his job to look after you, and protect you from everything bad that might happen. That was all of our jobs" She whispered at the end.

I tugged on her shirt. "No! It's not your fault. I am not your duty! You don't have to protect me twenty four seven, it's not your job" I said, never looking at her.

"We promised Bella. We said we would always be there to protect you, and we broke that promise" She said in a pained voice.

"It's not your fault!" I was met by silence, and i knew she wouldn't be listening to me, so i pulled the same card as she did.

"I thought we weren't going to apologize anymore" I joked and i heard her chuckle and the tension was gone.

The rest of the day was spent in conversation. Sometimes it was uncomfortable, others it was pleasent. Then, the time came again. Ryan stood at the door, looking very sorry at Esme. I clung onto Esme tighter, and she clung onto me.

You've got about an hour left, but i just came to tell you" he paused "I'm sorry Esme...but i have already bent the rules, and i can't do it twice in a row" he looked sympathetic. "You can come back again tomorrow"

"NO!" I cried, burying my head in Esme's stomach, never wanting to let go. I felt Esme sigh.

"Bella" I looked up at the sound of her strangled voice, and her eyes were ringed with red.

"I'll come back, I promise" She lifted up my wrist and touched the cuff i had yet to take off.

"We always come back for our family" She whispered, as i unwrapped my arms from her. I looked to find Ryan gone, so it was just me and Esme.

She took her phone out of her pocket and rung a number, too fast for my eyes to catch. I only caught half the conversation.

"It's Esme......yeah, fine......Great....not so good.....I'm coming back now....no!....."She sighed "I don't have a choice, Em...Tell Carlisle, i know he missed being here....okay" I stared dumbly at the phone. Emmett. That was Emmett.

She suddenly looked down at me, smiling. "Yeah....." She held out the phone to me. I took it with trembling hands, thankful that Esme wasn't watching me. She had gone to "get ready to leave" as she put it.

"Emmett?" I whispered into the mouthpiece. My eyes were already watering and i couldn't hold back the tears that fell.

"Bella" He sighed, not as manly as i remember, or as lively. Was what Esme said true? Did he truly blame himself?

"God, i missed you, lil' sis" He said, sounding much more happy.

"I missed you too, Em" I said, smiling.

"How.....How're you doing? They treating you okay? Do i have to come down there and teach them a lesson or two?"I laughed down the phone with him.

"Yeah, I'm fine Em. No need to scare the loonies in here anymore than they already are" I joked.

"You aren't crazy!" He said sternly, suddenly very serious.

"Why else would i be in a nut house?" I said, trying to tell him.

"I don't care! You are not crazy!" He was getting angry a little. I just hoped no furniture was near by.

"Well, there's the hallucinations and voices, the little blue pills, the white everything, the people that talk to you like you're crazy. Sure feels like it" I said, summing it all up.

I heard him sigh on the other side of the line. "I don't care. You're Bella, my sis, and you are not crazy" he said simply, and i agreed, because i wasn't going to argue with him.

"Fine, fine, i aren't crazy. I'm just arguing with a vampire about my insanity" I said the last bit quietly.

I heard his booming laughter "Well, maybe you're a little bonkers, but so are we. I mean, we're freaking vampires for gods sake! You have no idea how many times i thought this was all a dream"

"Nice dream" I commented, as i looked around my room. A nicer dream than mine.

"Oh yeah, perfect. You don't eat, drink, sleep, poop or pee or anything. It's pretty boring. And very repetitive" he said boringly.

"How can you say that? You can do anything! You have the time and the money to go anywhere. You have had the best of both worlds" I said, exasperated.

"Both?" He sounded confused.

"Yeah, you spent time as a human, and a vamp. You got both" I said simply.

"I can't remember my human years" he said

"Doesn't matter. Least you know they were there"

"yes it does matter"

"no it doesn't"

"Does!"

"Doesn't!"

We went on like this for a while, just yelling at each other. Neither backed down, but were forced to stop when Esme came back.

"Gotta go Em" I said sadly, not wanting to sever my connection to my favourite big brother.

"What? Why?"

"Esme has to go now" I said handing the phone back to Esme. I couldn't say goodbye. I just couldn't.

Esme left after a few fierce words.

"Bella, nothing will stop me from seeing you. Not traffic jams, or doctors who think they know all" I quirked an eyebrow at her.

"Don't forget Bella. I could easily run here in minutes, grab you and run. It wouldn't be hard. Like i said, nothing will stop me" She said before kissing me on the forehead and walking out the door. I smiled despite feeling abandoned again. I had never seen her so determined, and i often forgot she was even a vampire.

Despite my happy mood, the nightmares returned that night. It was several hours later that i fell asleep, after the exhaustion over took me. I missed Esme's cold body to comfort me, but i had to do with a lumpy mattress and warm quilt wrapped around me. The nightmare wasn't a small one, but wasn't one of the worst.

I still felt trapped, like i could wake up, but i was unable to control myself. I couldn't control what happened, and could only watch as the horrors played out before my eyes. But.....i never got to see the end of my nightmare.

I was woken by someone poking me in my arm. It was still dark, and cold. Wait...cold?

"Hey, you okay?" I heard him say. Oh My God!

"Lil' sis? You in there?" I felt a knocking on my head and him chuckle.

"Em?" I asked

"The one and only" And i knew he was smiling right now.

"How the hell did you get in here?" I nearly shouted.

How...what...when......ggrrrr! I needed answers, i needed them soon. But most of all, i needed a hug from my brother so he could chase away all the nightmares. I needed him. I needed my family.

**AAwwww..don't we all need a bro like Em? Not a big smelly thing that doesn't do anything all day?**

**Reviewers will receive hugs from Emmett !**


	12. Runaway

**Disclaimer- I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT**

**BELLA'S PERSPECTIVE........**

**PREVIOUSLY...........**

**"Lil' sis? You in there?" I felt a knocking on my head and him chuckle.**

**"Em?" I asked**

**"The one and only" And i knew he was smiling right now.**

**"How the hell did you get in here?" I nearly shouted.**

**How...what...when......ggrrrr! I needed answers, i needed them soon. But most of all, i needed a hug from my brother so he could chase away all the nightmares. I needed him. I needed my family.**

* * *

**This is going to be in Emmetts POV, so i hope it's okay. It's a first for me...so tell me what you think!! **

**NOW............**

**Emmetts Pov....**

I wish Bella would hurry up and get better already. Not that i care if she sees purple mushroom people chasing after her or not, she's my little sister, and i want to see her. Everyone says that "i had to wait until she got better", but i couldn't wait. How long would that take? I don't take the unknown well, and i need time frames! This is killing me!

God knows how Edward lives!

"I don't"

We were all sat on the sofas in the sitting room waiting for Esme to come back. After Bella phoned up, Esme was a blur as she raced out of the house, into the garage and raced down the driveway. We hadn't heard anything since. Everyone was looking at Edward and me, wondering what i was thinking about probably.

We sat in silence and waited. Rose twirled one of my curls around her finger almost unconsciously, Alice and Jasper were gazing into each others eyes. Pass me a bag, I am going to hurl! Please! Just SAY IT! But it was Edward that drew my eyes.

I knew how hard this was on him. We all missed our sister, our daughter, our friend. But Edward was missing his heart, his life, his soul. If Rose was in Bella's position....I don't know what i would do. If i am willing to do anything to get my sister, god knows what I'd do for Rose. But, i do see why Edward hasn't broken her out of there yet.

She's ill. Not that i think she's crazy, but she is ill. We have all read the reports about the voices and hallucinations. WE saw the state she was in. And until Bella can handle all of this, we will stay away, no matter how much it hurts us. Because, she doesn't need any more pain, she's had enough to last a lifetime. As long as she needs us, wants us, or even if she hates us...we will always be here. I don't care what Esme said about the age problem, I'll hide out for the rest of my life so no-one will notice. I am not leaving my little sister ever again. It hurt. God, it hurt so much. All that bull that Edward said about her forgetting about us was stupid.

A human girl meets a vampire and his family, and falls in love with one of them, becomes best friends with another and basically lives in their house. Like she would ever forget that! How could she forget Edward? How can you just....stop loving someone. You can't.

Edward didn't acknowledge my thoughts. He stayed curled up, legs tucked up, arms wrapped around them. Always the same position. It hurt him. Every time Esme and Carlisle came home, it was like a catch 22 situation. He loved how Bella was happy, how she smiled and spoke to them, how much better she was. But he hurt because he couldn't help. In a sense he was jealous of them, that they could do those things for her when she couldn't even think about being in the same room with him.

Alice suddenly froze as she had a vision. Edward hid his face in his knees, so he wasn't any help. We waited for about fifteen seconds. Fifteen long seconds.

"Esme isn't coming home tonight. She's staying with Bella" She said, smiling widely. I knew why Edward had hid his face. I was happy that Esme was close to Bella again, and all that mess had been sorted. But at the same time, i would have to wait longer to hear about Bella. With was stupid. Why can't i just go and see her?

Sighing, we all dispersed from our positions, no longer needing to wait there. Me and Rose kept sitting on the sofa, thinking.

"I don't think she know's how dependant we are on her" Rose said quietly. I wrapped my arms around her and sat her on my lap.

"I know, but i get the feeling she's pretty dependant on us too" I said as my girl kissed my neck and sighed.

"I want her to come home" She whispered. It was no secret that she hated Bella. I wondered what Bella's reaction will be when Rose apologizes. I would have said that she would accept straight away, but Bella had changed. For the first time, I wasn't sure what would happen, but i am sure we will never give up. Ever.

"You look deep in thought" She whispered, turning and looking into my eyes. Black met black, and i stood up, lifting her with me.

"I was. But we need to go hunting" I said, already running out the door.

Since...the little set back a few weeks ago, we all abandoned feeding and...everything. We needed to play catch up.

We stayed out all night hunting. I actually found a bear, it wasn't as irritated as i would have liked, but it was still a bear. So, one bear, three elk and even a squirrel later, we and Rose were laid in the baseball clearing, watching the stars. I'm not a "gaze at the stars" kind of guy, but here i was. I aren't heartless you know.

"Can you remember the last time we were here?" Rose whispered. It was a stupid question really since vampires have photographic memories.

"Yeah, that one didn't work out either did it?" I said sadly, remembering James and Laurent and Victoria's little meeting with us.

"Did we do anything right Em? With Bella i mean. We stay with her, and we put her in danger. We leave her, and she is in even more danger. We messed up big time. It's all our fault" She started to sob. I quickly scooped her up and tried to soothe her. It broke my heart when my girl got upset like this. I did understand what she was saying though.

"I know. We'll just have to make up for it" I whispered to her while rocking us both back and forth.

"How? How can we make up for all the friends and family she has lost? All that she has seen? Everything she has been through" She sounded so horrified, my breath got stuck in my throat.

How could we even begin to make that up to her? It was simple- we couldn't. I just hope she hasn't changed too much. After all, she accepted Carlisle and Esme didn't she? Yes, there were a few bumps along the way, but that was to be expected. Would she do the same to us? When she heard my voice on the phone, she froze. Whether she was frightened, shocked or happy, it was impossible to say. Was that the reaction i would get?

I was her big brother, the muscular, big bear of a brother. I promised to chase away all the bad things that came her way, yet i failed. The old Bella would have forgiven me in a heart beat, but the new Bella...i couldn't be sure.

Could i loose my sister?

"You won't loose her. She loves you so much" Rose hugged me tightly. Did i say that out loud? Whoops!

"Exactly Rose....lov-ed. Past tense" I sighed.

We argued for a while, but neither of us knew the answer. We were caught off guard when the sun hit our skin and made us sparkle. We must have been out here longer than we thought, it was already morning.

We ran back to the house, hoping they weren't too worried.

Well, no-one was. Edward was holed up in his room, Carlisle was at work, and Alice and Jasper were....busy. I was definitely not going to disturb them.

"I'm going to ring Esme and make sure they are alright" Rose said, hurrying to the phone, frantic.

I sighed, rolling my eyes. I took the phone out of her hands and replaced it on the table.

"Rose honey" I said, turning to her and taking her hands i mine "Let them be for now, okay? Let Esme be with her daughter and Bella be with her mother" I pulled her into a hug, holding her tightly.

"Come on, we can't just sit around here all day waiting. What do you want to do?" I asked gently, knowing it was pointless in asking.

That is why i am here right now. Stood in the garage, holding up the side of her convertible and staring at her legs. Of course she would want to work on her car, it's her type of therapy. When ever she gets angry or upset, or has any overwhelming emotion, she works on her cars. It helps to calm her down. And...this was my therapy.

My wifes legs

The rest of her body was underneath the car, but her legs laid on the floor. I loved my wife's legs, so long and smooth and-

"Emmett, please! Stop fantasising about your wifes legs!" Edward yelled though i could hear the smile in his voice.

"Enjoying the view?" I heard Rose ask from beneath the car, her voice muffled slightly.

"It's not bad" I said admiring them again.

"Okay big boy, I'm all done" She said, sliding out from underneath the car. I picked her up and planted a kiss on her forehead. God i love my wife.

"Come on" She said, gently tugging me back into the house and the sitting room. I glanced at the clock shocked when it said three o'clock.

I just sat down when my phone vibrated in my pocket. The caller ID said Esme and i hurried to answer it.

Even though i knew who it was i couldn't resist. "Hello?"

"It's Esme" She said softly, i could hear Bella breathing softly in the background.

"Is everything okay?"I said apprehensively.

"Yeah, fine"

"Bella?" I asked, not sure if i wanted to know the answer. She paused for a minute, so i asked another.

"Before?" What state was she in?

"Not so good" He voice saddened greatly.

"When are you coming back?" I asked her, not bothered if she stayed there forever, if it meant Bella would be happy. I knew how she hated to be left. Enough people have left Bella, no wonder she's terrified of it.

"I'm coming back now" I looked at the clock. She's early.

"Are you bringing Bella back with you? Sneaking her out?" I said excitedly, ignoring the amused eye roll i received from my wife.

"No!" Though i could tell she wasn't averse to the idea.

"You can't just leave her, you know how she'll get!" I said frustrated and angry, not at Esme, just...everything.

"I don't have a choice Em" She sighed and i instantly regretted saying that. How could she want to leave Bella?

"Tell, Carlisle, i know he missed being here" She said thoughtfully.

"He's at work now, you'll be home before him" I said sadly. I didn't want Bella to be alone, knowing how much it frightens her. It was my role to protect her.

"Okay" There was silence on the end of the line for a fer seconds.

"Esme..Is Bella there? Can...I talk to her?" Rose's eyes were fixed on my face, the entire house was silent. I was thankful Alice and Jasper had finally stopped.....having fun. It made it hard to concentrate.

"Yeah..." I could hear as the phone was passed over and i waited for any noise.

"Emmett?" I barely caught the whisper. She wasn't breathing, i would have heard it. Was she alright? Did she want to speak to me?

"Bella" It sounded like a prayer. I was so happy. I finally spoke to her, i wanted to pull her into my arms and protect her with every fibre of my being. No-one should have gone through what she has.

"God, i missed you, lil' sis" I said happily, relaxing into the chair, the biggest smile on my face.

"I missed you too, Em" She was so god damn quiet, so sincere. So heart broken. After everything we did, she can still say that she misses us. She truly is weird, just like i remember. Never normal.

"How.....How're you doing? They treating you okay? Do i have to come down there and teach them a lesson or two?" He laughter made me smile wider. She laughed. Yay! I was serious though. If anyone, _anyone _messed with my sister, they would pay the price. I think Rose was right, Bella has no idea how much we depended on her for our happiness.

"Yeah, I'm fine Em. No need to scare the loonies in here anymore than they already are" I could tell she was joking but i didn't care. How can she think like that?

"You aren't crazy!" I nearly shouted at her. She wasn't! She was Bella, and she was always a little crazy. She was human, they all are.

"Why else would i be in a nut house?" She was so god damn sure she was crazy, it was infuriating!

"I don't care! You are not crazy!" My anger didn't phase her, but i wasn't ready for her response.

"Well, there's the hallucinations and voices, the little blue pills, the white everything, the people that talk to you like you're crazy. Sure feels like it" I was shocked by what she said. Yes, i knew all that, but it was different coming from her. Before, i could believe it was just the doctors looking into things too much, but now.....

I sighed. It didn't matter though, she wasn't crazy.

"I don't care. You're Bella, my sis, and you are not crazy" I said simply, willing to spend hours on the phone just to convince her of that fact.

"Fine, fine, i aren't crazy. I'm just arguing with a vampire about my insanity" She said "vampire" quietly, not that i really cared. But i couldn't help but crack up at what she said.

"Well, maybe you're a little bonkers, but so are we. I mean, we're freaking vampires for gods sake! You have no idea how many times i thought this was all a dream" I said truthfully.

"Nice dream" She sounded so glum and i remembered her pleas with Edward to change her. It would have saved a lot of heart ache. A growl from upstairs made me drop that line of thought.

"Oh yeah, perfect. You don't eat, drink, sleep, poop or pee or anything. It's pretty boring. And very repetitive" I said, trying not to let her dwell on how bad she thought her life was. I had to admit, it wasn't exactly the best.

"How can you say that? You can do anything! You have the time and the money to go anywhere. You have had the best of both worlds" She did have a point, but i was still confused.

"Both?" I asked letting confusion colour my voice.

"Yeah, you spent time as a human, and a vamp. You got both" How could she be so calm talking about vampires? Bella Swan will never be normal.

"I can't remember my human years" I said dismissing it, but she didn't let it drop.

"Doesn't matter. Least you know they were there" She said simply.

"yes it does matter" How could it not matter? What's the point in having memories if you can't remember them?

"no it doesn't"

"Does!"

"Doesn't!"

It didn't phase me that i was yelling at Bella, and it didn't bother her that she was arguing with a vampire. Neither of us backed down, but i heard footsteps on Bellas end, and what they meant. Even though i knew, it didn't mean i liked it.

"Gotta go Em" God, she sounded so sad, and i knew how hard this must be for her.

"What? Why?" Who would tear me away from my little sister? I would kill them!

"Esme has to go now" Okay, so maybe i wasn't going to kill Esme, but i was still angry. No goodbyes were said, and i knew why. She couldn't say goodbye. I heard the phone exchange hands and Esme. She apologized, and after a brief altercation we hung up.

I sighed and put the phone down. How could that be it? When would be the next time i spoke to her? Saw her? Hugged her?

"Don't even think about it Emmett!" Alice said sternly, walking down the stairs with Jasper in tow. I crossed my arms roughly and sulked. Damn future seeing vampire pixie!

Alice and Jasper ran out the door to go hunting, they too hadn't fed in a while. Carlisle came in half an hour later and i relayed Esme's message to him. I knew he wanted to go to see Bella, but he gave Esme the space she needs to be with her daughter. He was excited to have the prospect of seeing Esme again. Yes, he wanted to give her space, but he missed his wife.

Rose and i sat on the sofa in each others arms, thinking about things. Edward was still in his room, doing god knows what. Probably reminising about Bella and blaming himself.

That's when i had a sudden brain wave.

I quickly kissed my wife and got up, racing to the door.

"Emmett" Edward warned from upstairs. It was too late, i was already gone.

No-one would stop me from seeing my little sister, pesky, depressed emo brother included. I raced through the forest, towards the Clinic where Bella was, glad Jasper and Alice had gone in the opposite direction to hunt. They couldn't stop me, they couldn't catch me, and i wouldn't let them.

It only took me forty five minutes to get to the clinic. I left at around half four, and the forest was already dark. The darkness would help me hide and sneak in and stay undetected. It was good that the forest spread all the way to the outside of the clinic, because i really wasn't in the mood to play hide and seek with the shadows. I crept around the back of the building, planning on running up to the house as fast as i could. Only, there was a huge iron fence in my way.

I jumped over the twenty foot wrought iron fence, not wanting to bend the bars and have evidence of my visit. I didn't breath as i ran to the building, pressing myself against the wall to be as inconspicuous as possible. There was no light in the open area that was used as a living room and dining room. It seems everyone was asleep, or busy.

I found the french doors and, using some crafty tricks i have picked uyp during my seventy odd years, cracked the door open, careful incase it squeaked. No-one came to investigate, so i quickly stepped inside and shut the doors. I paused, listening for any noise that-

"I need to get some water for Mrs Henry" I heard a man say.

Shit! He was coming this way. I darted through a door, and looked around panicking. There were no spaces for me to hide. Damn my size!

Before i could berate myself any longer, the light was turned on. I expected a scream or gasp or outrage. I screwed my face up, waiting for the noise. I was shocked by what i heard.

A sigh

"You Cullens don't give up do you?"

I whirled around and met a very amused, but tired looking Ryan. An empty glass in his hand- Mrs Henry's i presume. I put on a sheepish grin and shrugged.

"Sorry......" I said feebly, feeling like a child, not the huge man i am.

"Your....Emmett, right?" Ryan's face lit up with some form of recognition. I nodded.

"Bella speaks about you sometimes" He smiled, and i couldn't help but smile back.

"I assume, you are here to see Bella, despite the late hour?" He raised his eyebrows.

"Yeah, sorry. How did you know?" I asked, simply because i had to. If Jasper or Edward ever found out about this i would never live it down. Discovered by a human!

"I was watching the security cameras and saw you at the french doors" I froze momentarily, expecting questions of my speed, or how i could clear a 20 foot fence. But, he didn't. Seemed he didn't watch that part of the tape.

"Well, come on then. You came to see Bella, and see Bella you will" He said, walking back out the room, the empty glass still in his hand.

We tiptoed across the dining room and sitting room, making sure no-one heard us.

"Bella's sleeping, so you've got to be quiet, okay?" he said, opening the door with a buzz.

"How long....." I said not taking my eyes off the breathing form of Bella beneath the covers.

"As long as you want" He whispered, giving me a little push since i was frozen. I heard the door click, but didn't turn to see Ryan disappear. I knelt beside Bella's bed, eyes wide and sad. How could she live in here.

It was white, even i could tell that through the darkness. There was nothing in here, nothing that marked it as Bella's. Only her scent made me know it was actually her room.

I looked back at Bella sleeping. She looked so peaceful and untroubled that i wished, for a moment, that she would sleep forever. That she could forget and leave all this mess behind her, but i knew that wasn't possible.

I ached to hug her, to have her in my arms, to protect her. So, without even thinking about it, i climbed on the bed, laying on the covers so she wouldn't get too cold. I softly scooped her up and scooched her closer to me. I couldn't help but wrap my arms around her protectively, even though there was no danger. My little sis, god i missed her.

As i laid there and stroked her hair, i thought about every word we had ever said to each other. It wasn't much, in know. Somehow, despite the lack of contact, she still loved me as her brother, and i loved her as my sister. How could anyone not love Bella?

Unfortunately, the peaceful sleep lasted until five in the morning. I heard that her nightmares get gradually worse until she has to be sedated. Could nightmares really be that bad? I didn't know, but i sure as hell wasn't going to wait to find out. The nightmare wasn't as bad as Carlisle had said, though it wasn't any walk in the park.

It was clear from her face that she was scared, and that killed me, knowing i couldn't be there to help her. I could feel her body heat rise as she began to sweat. She was moving around allot and moaning "no's".

I wasn't really sure what a nice way to wake a human up could be. I had seen yelling, throwing water, or poking. I'll stick with poking, it caused less damage overall.

"Hey, you okay?" I know it was a dumb thing to ask, but i had to. I was her big brother, it was my job to know these things. I got a bit concerned when she didn't answer. I remembered what Carlisle had told me, about hallucinations not being able to touch her, and if she thought i was a hallucination.....

"Lil' sis? You in there?" I knocked gently on her head, chuckling slightly at the noise it made.

"Em?" Was she scared? Why was she so hesitant?

"The one and only" Okay, maybe not the right place to crack a joke, but arg well.

"How the hell did you get in here?" She nearly shouted, sitting up and turning to face me. I sat up slowly and scooted back so my back was leaning against the head board of the bed.

She was confused, i could tell that easily. But there was something else in her eyes as well. I didn't answer her question, too caught up in my own mind to acknowledge it really. So, i was a little surprised when she launched herself at me. When will she learn that launching yourself at a vampire, is like running at a brick wall.

If i were human, i wouldn't be able to breathe. Her arms were wrapped around my neck tightly, and i didn't hesitate to wrap mine around her waist. I buried my face in her neck, finally, i got to hug my sister again.

I was shocked when i felt her body trembling in my arms, but i felt the tears wetting the back of my shirt and knew she was crying. At least she wasn't hurt.

But she was crying!

"Bella, Bella what's wrong?" I said panicking slightly. I tried to pry her from me, but her arms were stuck around my neck, so i settled for rubbing her back gently, trying to calm her down.

"You're really here!" It wasn't a question, but i hummed as an answer. Finally, she pulled back and looked at me. Her eyes were red and puffy with crying, her lip trembling slightly. Was this a good idea after all?

"I missed you so much" She said, never looking away from my eyes. There was so much pain and sadness in her eyes that i wanted to fight it all away. but i know i couldn't. These were her demons, and she would have to do it by herself, we could only help her.

"I know. I missed you too" I said smiling, happy when she smiled back. She rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, you had no-one to pick on for blushing or tripping" She said, smiling wider.

"Well, there is that" I chuckled quietly, but stopped and looked into her eyes. She looked shocked by my sudden seriousness, and i couldn't blame her. I was hardly ever serious. Someone take a picture before i crack a joke!!

"Bella, i never wanted to leave. Never. You were my little sister, how could i want to leave you?" I asked as a rhetorical question. I wasn't expecting an answer.

"Because i am only human" She whispered, looking at the quilt she was knelt on. That comment shocked me.

"What?! You think i don't love you because your...human?" I said, barely keeping my anger in check. This was all Edwards fault. Why did he have to go and lie to her?

"It made more sense for you to leave than it did to stay. I'm human, and you're a vampire. I should be your prey, not your friend or sister. I mean, how could you love me when you wanted to kill me every second i was there?" The broken hearted look on her face told me she was telling the truth, and she wasn't just talking about me and the others. How could she think like that? Of course we loved her, it's impossible not to!

I am going to KILL Edward. I knew that last comment was directed at him. How could he love her? How couldn't he? She thought it was all a lie, that was obvious. I pitied him slightly. After a lie that big, i wasn't sure Bella would ever forgive him or trust him again. Still, he deserved it.

"Bella, we all loved you. It doesn't matter what you are, or what we are. You're family, and that is that" I said, closing the subject before i went and ripped Edwards head off. Me and him were going to have a little chat when i get home.

She gave up arguing, but i knew she wasn't convinced. She hadn't gotten the "all" part of what i said. She laid back down as i slid forward and laid in a nearly upright position. She sighed quietly. I stroked her hair, wanting her to go back to sleep, to escape all of this. Besides, she looked exhausted, huge blue bags under her eyes. Though she did look better than the first time i saw her. She had more meat on her bones, she was still too pale, but not as pale as last time. She had life in her face and eyes that weren't there last time.

"What time is it?" She said quietly, yawning and nuzzling deeper into my stomach. How can she be comfy? I am made of stone and am freezing cold! I checked the Rolex on my wrist.

"It's nearly seven in the morning" I said quietly. I hated that. The little things that she could do, but she couldn't because they wouldn't let her. Would it kill them to put up a clock somewhere? I wondered if Bella still hated to be cared for like she used to, but i suppose she didn't have any choice but to get over it.

We fell into silence again, but it was nice. A knock on the door made me jump a little. Bella chuckled slightly at my reaction, she hadn't even blinked against the booming noise that disturbed out silence.

"I thought you were the fearless vampire? Doors scare you?" She teased, poking me in my side gently.

It surprised me a little. How could i have not heard the footsteps? I must have zoned out again.

"Morning Bella" Ryan said as he entered the room holding a white tray with a bowl on it. It smelt revolting to me.

"Morning" Bella said, not moving away from my stomach.

"Emmett" Ryan smiled wider. I nodded and smiled. I liked Ryan. He was about my build and height, only blonde, not brown.

"Hey, that reminds me! How did you get in here?" Bella said, sitting up and looking at me, eye brows raised.

"Well, i kinda sped here, and...broke in" I mumbled. I waited for her reaction, but wasn't expecting her to laugh. Though i had to admit it, i missed that laugh.

"Typical Emmett. Hope you didn't break anything" She teased, trying to look serious and failing as she laughed again.

"Nope, not a thing. I did get caught though"

That was it. She was laughing her head off. In the end, she laid down, clutching her stomach as she laughed, tears streamed down her face. I looked at Ryan, but he was watching Bella with a small smile on his face. I started to wonder when was the last time she laughed like that? He looked at me and shrugged, still smiling. I smiled showing i understood what he was doing, watching Bella get better before our very eyes.

After a few more minutes and failed attempts of stopped, she got herself together. She wiped away the tears of laughter and sat up.

"So......What's for.....breakfast?" She said between giggles. Ryan rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"What you have everyday Bella. Weetabix, no sugar, up to the line with milk" He said, sitting it in front of her.

She sighed, her face falling as she looked at it. "I miss sugar" She said too quietly for Ryan to hear, but i heard it just fine. She cleared the frown away and picked up her breakfast and gobbled it down way too fast.

"Done" She said, putting it back on the tray, making the spoon clang loudly on the side.

Ryan moved to get the tray again, but stopped when the door buzzed. He and Bella both frowned, confused.

He opened the door anyway and let them in.

"Esme!"Bella said, excited as a kid in Cadbury world.

"Honey" Was all she said before crossing the room and hugging Bella tightly. She shot me a disapproving look which i shrugged at. How could i feel remorseful about seeing my sis. I couldn't.

I hadn't realised Ryan had gone until Bella got off the bed. I really need to pay more attention.

"So, how was your night with Emmett?" Esme asked in a motherly voice. I stayed on the bed, laid down, watching them. Esme and Bella both smiled and laughed. They truly were mother and daughter.

"Okay. I did nearly strangle him though" She smiled at me.

"Yeah, good job I'm not that fragile eh?!" I said jokingly.

"Rosalie isn't too happy with you Emmett" Esme said in a stern voice. Neither of us missed Bella flinch or the fear in her eyes when she mentioned Rose.

"It's okay honey. She isn't mad at you, only this bone head over here" He motioned to me.

"Thanks mum" I said indignantly.

"You shouldn't have come if you would get in trouble" Bella barely whispered. She looked so torn and ashamed as she looked at the floor. It didn't take a genius to work out she was going to cry.

I totally ignored Esme as i knelt down, right in Bella's eye line, and held her hands in mine.

"Rose is Rose. But she doesn't hate you, and she'll be fine with me. Anyway, it would have been worth it to see you" I said, but she didn't relax at all.

"She doesn't hate you Bella. She'll probably be more angry that i didn't bring her along than anything" I said, thinking about it. I saw Esme nod in my peripheral vision.

"Why?" She got that little crease between her eyes, showing she was confused.

"You're her sister as well. She may have been a bitch before, but she is so sorry. She'd do anything to make it up to you" I said for my wife, knowing i was right.

"It's not her fault. She doesn't have to do anything" Bella sniffed, not believing a word we were saying. Me and Esme shared a significant look before i sighed and dropped the subject. I sat back on the bed, pulling Bella onto my lap and comforting her as best i could. Bella was stubborn, nothing would ever change that, and i knew that nothing we said would sway her until she saw it for herself.

To my surprise, Bella didn't cry at all. Instead, she had a pained and thoughtful look on her face. It took a while for it to leave, but it did. I sighed, glad she wasn't upset anymore. Or that she was, but wasn't showing it. Not that that as any better at all. I found that Bella was a much better actor now. No doubt, the experiences and things she has seen have had something to do with it. Still, it worried me that she could just be throwing up a wall to make us think she is happy.

Bella shifted in my lap, breaking me out of my thoughts. I looked down at her, wondering what was wrong. She looked uncomfortable and shocked. I knew if she had the ability, she would be blushing right now, but of course, new Bella never blushed. She did however, look rather embarrassed.

"I always forget your little needs" I guessed that it was something human that made her uncomfortable. I chuckled as she glared at me playfully. I stood up, setting her back on her feet. I was surprised to feel her hand in mine, pulling me along with her. She couldn't move me, even if she pulled with everything she had, i knew it, and so did she, but i humoured her. I let her drag me over to the door, and push the buzzer to let her out.

Esme sat on the bed, smiling at our antics. I'm sure she couldn't be anymore happy or proud than now.

_Alright in there Bella? Any problems? _I rolled my eyes at the little speaker mounted on the wall.

"No. I need a shower though" She grimaced, wrinkling her nose a little. I didn't actually notice. Though i am sure that, with having a nightmare, she had sweated a lot, or - perspired - as women called it. That was why she was embarrassed and uncomfortable.

The door buzzed and Ryan opened it, smiling at us hand in hand. He knew there was nothing between us, but he smirked at Bella meaningfully.

"He's got a girlfriend Ryan, geez!" She said, smiling.

"Alright, only joking with you. So, you going to go for your shower?" he asked. She was leaving? Was i getting this separation anxiety too?

"Yeah, but you have to do something for me" Ryan nodded "Keep an eye on Emmett please. He has a short attention span, you know...." She tapped her head. Ryan smirked at her, but nodded.

She turned and faced me, smirking the entire time. "Ha! That's for my "little needs"" She stuck her tongue out at me, letting go of my hand. She walked past Ryan, sending him a small smile and disappeared from my view. Ryan watched her go, making sure she made it there okay before turning and sighing.

"You honestly don't see the difference you are making to her life" he said, coming into the room with us. I moved back to the bed while he sat on the old chair in the corner.

"I saw her before, and she wasn't like she Bella i knew. She was different, but not in a bad way. Just...different. You know? Now, i can see the difference that this had made. Not the same way you have of course, but still..." Esme said, telling him the truth.

Ryan nodded understandingly. "I have been Bella's carer since her first day here. I have seen all her lows, lower than i thought anyone could go, and i have seen her highs. All since you started visiting her" He sighed again, running his hand through his hair.

"Look, all i am saying is.....be careful. Bella has been through a lot. She can handle being by herself, not well I'll admit, but she was getting used to it. But when she is with other people, she gets used to it" he sighed again, his face torn and more tired looking than i had ever seen it.

"Just........don't hurt her. God, she has been through enough as it is. I know your hearts are in the right place, all of you, but don't hurt her. She loves you so much, that much is clear, if you left, i don't know what she would do. But i don't want that to be the reason you stay, just..." he was getting frustrated and flustered now. He cared for Bella so much, that was obvious.

"it's okay. We know how much these visits mean to her. Believe me when i tell you that the only way we don't come is because we physically can't. We love Bella and would never hurt her ever again. We've learned from our mistakes" I said, getting quieter as i went. I saw Ryan frown.

"Bella never told anyone what happened before this. We read about it, from the scant things she told the counsellor, but she never actually opened up and told anyone about it. She never wanted to. I'm not saying that you should tell me, but i do hope that whatever you did you never do again. Bella is strong, surprisingly strong. Anyone else in this situation would have given up on life. She went through stages were she would give up, but she always bounced back, tougher and more determined than before. No-one else could see it, but i could. Everyone thought she was just traumatised and shocked and was just being difficult by not telling anyone anything. They didn't see the little changes in her expression when she thought about things, they just saw a little girl traumatised by her past. They were blind" He nearly ranted. Esme and i took in every word of what he said. He knew the new Bella better than anyone. He had spent the last eight months with her, of course he would know her.

"Bella should be about done" Ryan said, glancing at the watch on his wrist. I remembered something....

"Hey Ryan, why aren't there any clocks in this place?" I tried to keep the anger out of my voice. They could at least give them a little Independence, some privacy and dignity!

"Some patients tend to clock watch. It's better if they don't know how long they are here, sometimes people are here for years and they think it's been only months. Overall, time is counter productive" He said, i nodded in understanding. They could at least have a clock though

Bella came back, refreshed and smelling of strawberry shampoo like she used to. I was glad she hadn't at least lost that part. She seemed happier, as she bounced into the room and plopped down in my lap, smiling the entire time. I saw a flash of leather as she put her hands on her stomach and twiddled with her thumbs.

"You still wear it?" I said, surprised at the leather cuff on her wrist. She looked confused until she followed my gaze. Her eyes widened as she saw it, and i could nearly feel her embarrassment radiate off her.

"Yeah...I mean....and......" She stuttered. Why was she so embarrassed about it?

"Carlisle will be ecstatic to hear you still wear it" I smiled at her encouragingly as she fiddled with the edges of the leather.

"I never took it off" She whispered softly.

"Even when-" She nodded her head, not meeting my eyes.

"It make me feel a little less lonely, even though i pushed you away. I couldn't take it off even if i tried" She paused for a moment, a look of hurt flashing in her eyes.

"If Carlisle wants it back, then that's okay" She said, moving to undo it and take it off. What?! Did she listen to anything i said? Or what Carlisle had told her? I put my hand over hers to stop her.

"Bella, Carlisle gave you this cuff. Consider it a non returnable gift. Even if you hate us and never want to see us again" I held my hand up stopping the flow of contradictions before she voiced them. I tried another approach.

"This cuff made you feel less lonely, yes?" She nodded. "Well, this cuff makes all of us feel like we are there with you. We never want to leave Bella, but rules are rules and i can't break in every night. It gives us relief to know that at least one piece of us is with you. That you have something to remember us by" I said, honestly shocked that i had just said all of that.

"How could i not remember you all? It's not every day a girl meets a family of...like you" She edited, reminding me of the camera in the corner of the room. Talk about no privacy! Bella must have seen my glare.

"It's not just me Em. I haven't always been this....good. Others are worse than me and have to be watched in case they do anything.....risky" She said nicely, being careful with her words.

Was Bella ever that bad? Like she had to be watched in case she did something to hurt herself? It might be a little masochistic, and i hoped i wasn't turning into Edward, but i had to know. Just because i am a curious, sadistic pig.

"Bella....have you ever.....done something.....risky?" I hesitated to ask in case she closed off from me like i had heard her do with Esme and Carlisle. She ducked her head so i could only see her hair. She was hiding.

"Bella, I'm sorry. I was just morbidly curious, forget about it" I said hastily. But of course i knew she wouldn't forget about it. Bella always remembered the little things.

"No. You have a right to know" She said, her voice thick with tears and shame. I couldn't think of how we have a "right a know" anything after what we did, but i let her talk to me. Apparently she never spoke of these things to anyone, so maybe i could help. I would listen to whatever she had to say no matter how much i hurt me. After all, i was her big brother. I wasn't just fighting her physical monsters, but if i could help with her internal ones as well, it was an added bonus.

"It was before the whole....accident" She paused again, collecting herself. So, this was before the murders. This would be about how she was after we left her. Could she really have been that bad that she hurt herself intentionally? Did we hurt her that much?

"I wasn't very....actually i wasn't much actually. I'll spare you the gorey details, but i just......alive. I couldn't say i lived because really.....i didn't. I just survived basically. I saw the world differently i guess. Everything was bad. Everything would mess up in the end, so what's the point? So, with that in mind, i just got worse and worse. I don't really remember what pushed me to it, or what happened on that day, but something pushed me over the edge. I didn't think, and before i knew it i was bleeding."

I watched as her face scrunched up due to some emotion i couldn't place.

"That wasn't even the worst part. I...I enjoyed it. I finally felt some control, some dominance over what i did, over my life. Everything had been out of my hands since then. I controlled if i lived or died. If i woke up in the morning or not. It was all up to me. It's sick...but true" She stopped, finishing her story. I don't know if Vampires could feel nauseous, but i was definitely feeling something close. Bella had actually felt like that? What the hell had we done? What were we thinking?

I sat in stunned silence. I can't believe we pushed her to that. I knew i should be saying something comforting and soothing rightt now, but....what do you say to that?

I couldn't stop her as she got out of my lap. I was unable to unfreeze my arms to grab her and pull her back to me. I could only watch as she walked to the other side of the room. She didn't turn as she leant forward and rested her head on the wall. Her behaviour confused me to say the least.

Why was she leaning her head against a wall?

Is she too hot? Does she have a headache or something?

My questions were answered when i saw her shoulders trembling. She was crying.

You insensitive bastard! She just told you something she has never told anyone else, and what did you do? Offer words of comfort? No! You say nothing! Anything would have been better than nothing!

Conscious of the camera in the corner, zooming around the room, i got up from the bed slowly.

"Bella?" I said quietly, not wanting to startle her. She didn't respond. I could smell the salty tears as they fell from her eyes, i could hear them as they fell onto her shirt and carpet. God, i was heartless!

I put my hand on her shoulder, wanting her to turn around. She didn't. Was she trying to hide her tears from me? Why? I clicked as to why.

She thought i was disgusted with her for what she told me. Ugh! Why did Bella always take things the wrong way? I could hardly be mad at Bella for this. This was my pig headed mistake, and i would have to fix it. I would not have my sister loose faith and trust in me over this!

"Bella, look at me!" I nearly yelled at her. I felt her gasp and her body freeze under my hand. I could smell the adrenaline rush through her veins as though.....she was scared. Was she scared of me? The very thought made my heart plummet into my ankles. Her trembling started again after a few seconds, harder than before. She was gasping for breath, her knuckles white as she clenched her hands at her sides. Yes, she was scared. I just didn't know why.

"Bella......." I wasn't yelling, since that didn't have the desired affect i thought it would, so i tried the soft and gentle approach.

I was pleased that she reacted this time, though the feeling didn't last long. I couldn't discover if she turned out of fear or because she wanted to. My little sister couldn't be scared of me!

She turned to face me, eyes closed as her trembled intensified. Her face was tear streaked and red from crying so hard. Why was she scared?

I crouched down to her level, glad i couldn't get cramp anymore. I brushed away the tears falling down her cheeks. She gasped, but i didn't stop. She opened her eyes slowly, and i could easily see the fear and apprehension in them. It killed me. I smiled gently to her, waiting for her response. She looked...distant. Like she wasn't even here.

Very hesitantly, i pulled her closer to me and hugged her. It wasn't the usual "Emmett Bear Hug", it was a genltle and soft hug. Full of reassurance and love. I just hoped she knew that. She didn't resist my pull, or my hug, nor did she react in any way. This scared me. I couldn't loose my sister after just getting her back!

"I'm sorry Bella. I was just...shocked that all. I can't believe we left you to deal with all of this by yourself. I don't think any less of you Bella, if anything, i think more of you . You were, are so strong. Please Bella, don't pull away from me" I begged her, unable to keep the desperation out of my voice.

I heard her breathing again, unaware that she had been holding her breath all this time. I waited as her arms, hesitantly and slowly, lifted and wrapped around my neck. She buried her face in the crook of my neck and i felt the tears as they hit my skin. I held her tighter to me, trying to hold her together. She was trembling again, but not from fear this time. She held on tight to my neck, forever pulling herself closer. I wasn't about to complain.

"I- am so - sorry" Her apology was interrupted as she gasped for breath in between her sobs. I wasn't having any of that.

"Bella, I don't care what you did! Well, i do care, obviously i care, but it definitely doesn't make me see you any differently. You could be the single most strong and determined person i have ever met. And i have seen Alice in Prada when they refused to accept her credit cards!" I smirked remembering the moment. I smiled wider when Bella laughed a little, her watery eyes sparkling a little as i spoke of her best friend. The exact same way Alice's do when anyone speaks about Bella.

"Why did they reject her credit cards?" I knew she was avoiding the subject, trying to get us out of the awkward situation we both knew was unavoidable. But i didn't want to make it uncomfortbale for her, so i went along with it.

I chuckled "Don't know. I think they were playing a joke on her or something. She shopped there like twice a week and she bought most of the shop. They were not expecting an angry, pissed pixie woman to start sprouting things about law suites and court. They thought she was a spoilt rich kid i think. I just watched, laughing my head off as she yelled at them until they gave in and her credit card miraculously worked again. Needless to say, she never shopped at that store again" Bella chuckled, shaking her head.

"Alice and her shopping" She smiled, but it fell. "I miss her Em" She whispered, her eyes filling with more tears.

I enveloped her in another hug, her gripping onto me fiercely. "I know Bella. Believe me, she misses you too. We all do" I tried to, subtly emphasise the _all _but i don't think she bought it.

I pulled her back to the bed, never letting go of her like she never did me. I saw her yawn, trying to be discreet about it.

"Bella, your tired. Sleep" I said gently, holding her tighter, worrying about her getting cold. I knew crying was exhausting for humans, i learned that from Bella before all this.

"I only just woke up" I grumbled, but her eye lids were drooping. I smirked. Stubborn Bella would even try to argue against her own body!

"Just sleep" I whispered to her. I shifted her in my lap, slipping my hands and arms beneath her to lift her onto the bed but she frowned at me.

"No. You're too comfortable" She slurred sleepily. I couldn't help but chuckle at her. Since when was a rock comfortable?

"Aren't you cold?" I asked worriedly, sounding like a fussy mother.

"No. I am, finally, all warmed up" She smiled

I didn't reply, wanting her to get some much needed rest. I knew this must be like an emotional roller coaster for her, what with all the laughing and yelling, but no-one said it would be easy. But Bella was something worth fighting for.

"She's amazing isn't she?" I jumped, forgetting Esme's presense entirely until now. I glanced back at the slumbering girl in my arms, making sure she hadn't been woken up.

"Yeah. How the hell did we ever live without her Esme?" I asked, watching her as she smiled in her sleep.

"Honestly Emmett, i didn't call that living. Yes, we had happy times, but the only really good ones that stick out all gravitate around Bella. I'm not saying that i wasn't happy with Carlisle and the rest of you but...Bella just...completed everything" She sighed, leaning her head back against the headboard, a smile on her face.

"I see what you mean. Life without Bella....well, we all know how that one turned out don't we? It's not...easy, but" I turned away from Esme and looked at Bellas peaceful face as she snuggled deeper into my arms.

"Bella's worth it" I said.

"That she is" Esme agreed with a sigh.

I sat thinking for a while. Alice missed Bella, and Bella missed Alice. The only thing keeping them apart was a doctors advise to do so. Alice wouldn't be able to stay along for much longer anyway.

But there was another thing keeping Alice away from Bella. This place, Bella's situation, reminded Alice of her past. She couldn't remember it well, but she knew. The very word "Institution" had her shivering. But, like i said, Alice wouldn't hold out for much longer. Nothing could keep that crazy little determined pixie from getting what she wants.

And like i keep on saying - "Bella Swan is worth it"

We all knew it, we just had to prove it to her.

**Tell me what you think!!!  
Emmett's POV good? Bad?  
I need to know People!  
:)**


	13. Fading To Black

**Disclaimer- I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT**

**PREVIOUSLY.............**

**II sat thinking for a while. Alice missed Bella, and Bella missed Alice. The only thing keeping them apart was a doctors advise to do so. Alice wouldn't be able to stay along for much longer anyway.**

**But there was another thing keeping Alice away from Bella. This place, Bella's situation, reminded Alice of her past. She couldn't remember it well, but she knew. The very word "Institution" had her shivering. But, like i said, Alice wouldn't hold out for much longer. Nothing could keep that crazy little determined pixie from getting what she wants.**

**And like i keep on saying - "Bella Swan is worth it"**

**We all knew it, we just had to prove it to her.**

* * *

**NOW......... Bella's Perspective...**

I was drained. I had been shocked, happy, ecstatic, sad, terrified and content all in a few hours. So i couldn't help it when i yawned. I tried to hide it, but these damn vampires don't let you hide anything. Well, almost anything.

I can't believe i told Emmett that i hurt myself, and that i actually liked it! I must be a masochist or something. He seemed so.... disgusted and... shocked and i really couldn't blame him. But it hurt. Of course it did. I went to stand against the wall, the furthest place from him, knowing he wouldn't want to be anywhere near me.

At first he just asked, but when he yelled at me, i nearly lost it. My chest constricted so i couldn't breath, my eyes filled with moisture, my knuckles were probably white at my sides and i could feel my body trembling. I tried to tell myself that his was Emmett, and there was no need to fear him. But i wouldn't listen.

All i could see were the vampires that destroyed my life. All huge and muscular like Emmett. They would get angry too, but they didn't just yell. It was like i had been sucked into the past, into a dream. I heard Emmett ask me again and i couldn't not turn for fear of what i would do.

_It's Emmett, he won't do anything to you, he loves you! _

I tried to tell myself. But it wasn't working. I turned, keeping my eyes closed like the coward i am. I could feel the tears as they ran down my face. I gasped, shocked, when i felt Em wiping the tears away. I thought he was disgusted with me? I slowly opened my eyes, gazing at Emmett through a film of tears.

I opened my eyes, worried and scared of what i would see in his face. His eyes were kind, his gentle smile just how i remembered. I am so confused!

Vampires can lie, i knew that all too well. I could remember how many things i had been led to believe by vampires. Lots. How do i know he isn't lying as well?

No! It's Emmett. He wouldn't hurt me! He broke in here to see me!

I was a little surprised to suddenly feel Emmett's arms around me, pulling me into a hug. My mind was screaming at me to run, to scream, to fight. This was a vampire! But my heart....my heart was telling me to hug him back. I have to admit the latter made more sense.

If he wanted to hurt me, why is he hugging me so gently?

"I'm sorry Bella. I was just...shocked that all. I can't believe we left you to deal with all of this by yourself. I don't think any less of you Bella, if anything, i think more of you . You were, are so strong. Please Bella, don't pull away from me" He sounded so wounded, so hurt. It was my fault! Did i always take things the wrong way?

Despite this, i was still nervous. I held reservations about this, even i if wasn't conscious of them. Hesitantly, i put my arms around his crouched figure. I released a breath i hadn't realised i had been holding when i felt a little dizzy.

How could i be scared of Emmett? He was here, now, hugging me even after i told him how disgusting and sick i am! I truly am screwed up in the head!

I buried my head in his neck, unable to hold back the tears that fell onto his shirt and skin. I was trembling again, but not from fear of Emmett. From shame, from being unable to control these reactions to things. I knew Em wasn't dangerous to me, but i couldn't stop the panic and terror when it is triggered. I just wanted to be normal, not to be afraid of a man that is helping you. I wanted someone to fight all of this away, to protect me.

As if on cue, hearing my thoughts, I felt his arms tighten around me. I pulled him closer as well, hoping he would shield me from all of this. That i could go back and move to Forks again. Start at the beginning.

"I- am so - sorry". My meager apology was interrupted by my gasps for breath, and muffled by Emmett's shoulder. I was shocked by his reply.

"Bella, I don't care what you did! Well, i do care, obviously i care, but it definitely doesn't make me see you any differently. You could be the single most strong and determined person i have ever met. And i have seen Alice in Prada when they refused to accept her credit cards!"

He thought i was strong? I had a break down when i should have been strong. I am in here because i am too weak to deal with the outside world. I definately am not strong.

It was the story about Alice that grabbed my attention though. Alice. God, i missed her so much. My best friend. I couldn't help but smile when ever i thought about her. That girl was crazy.

"Why did they reject her credit cards?" Okay, so i am stalling, not wanting to stick on his conversation path. I figured he knew too, but he didn't say anything, going along with it. His chuckle soothed me no end.

"Don't know. I think they were playing a joke on her or something. She shopped there like twice a week and she bought most of the shop. They were not expecting an angry, pissed pixie woman to start sprouting things about law suites and court. They thought she was a spoilt rich kid i think. I just watched, laughing my head off as she yelled at them until they gave in and her credit card miraculously worked again. Needless to say, she never shopped at that store again"

I couldn't help the little giggle that escaped me as i pictured it. "Alice and her shopping" I shook my head.

But, like ever, my thoughts went down a road i didn't want it to. My smile fell and my heart ached to see my best friend again.

"I miss her Em" I whispered, hoping he wouldn't hear me. With super hearing, that was pretty much out of the window. I couldn't help the tears that formed in my eyes as i voiced my thoughts to him.

He hugged me again, fiercer and rougher than last time. This was more of an Emmett hug. Now....now i felt safe and secure.

"I know Bella. Believe me, she misses you too. We all do" I ignored the "all" comment, not wanting to get my hopes up. Like i said before- Hope was a deadly thing. It could pull you up, and it can tear you down, all at the same time.

He pulled me back to the bed as i felt a yawn brewing. I tried to hide it, but, being a vampire and all, he heard it and ordered me to sleep. Crying always made me tired, one of the cons of being a human i am afraid. He held me tighter to him, cradling me. I tried to fight my own body but failed. He tried to move me, but clung on to him, telling him he was too comfortable. To be honest, he was much more comfy than a mattress.

He sounded all worried when he asked about if i was cold or not. I dismissed it saying "No. I am, finally, all warmed up".

I was on the verge of sleep, a little out of it but still there. I heard Esme say something, shocked by her presence, forgetting about her totally. I tried to open my eyes to say "Hi", but i was sucked into blackness, something i could not control.

My dreams where headed in the nightmare direction. It was the usual- vampires that wanted to kill me, people dead and dieing around me, people yelling and screaming that it was my fault and to help them. But..... it was different.

Before the fear and everything else kicked in, Emmett arrived, shielding me from the view in front of me, letting me bury my face in his stomach. When he moved back, i realised i was at the Cullen house. It was just the same as i remembered, all white and majestic. We went inside and i spoke and hugged everyone, even Jasper. Edward came and hugged me, and it felt...right. I liked this dream, but i feared the repercussions when i woke up and realised it wasn't real.

Edward was just sitting at the Piano, about to play my lullaby when i woke up. I inwardly cursed my bad timing, squinting against the bright lights in the room. I heard Emmett chuckle beneath me, causing me to rise and fall with his stomach.

"I have never heard such crude language from a lady" He said in a posh English accent. Oh damn, so much for inwardly cursing.

"Sorry, thought i was thinking it" I said, yawning and stretching as i sat up, off Emmett's chest.

"Nope. Nice dream?" He smiled, knowing exactly what i was dreaming about.

"You where humming a little, and i would know that tune anywhere" He said with a sparkle in his eye. I blushed, looking at my lap.

"It was a good dream" I sighed, getting off the bed and swaying a little as i stood up. As usual, Em was there to catch me before i said hello to the floor again.

"Sorry" I mumbled as i walked over to the door and pressed the buzzer for Ryan to let me out. I heard Em chuckle behind me.

_Awake Bella? You were out for a long time _

I rolled my eyes "Yeah, i needed to catch up on some sleep"

The door opened with a click, Ryan smiling down at me. "Shower time?" I nodded, yawning again.

I walked past him and across the room to the shower. Once again, i rushed in the shower, not wanting to spend any more time away from Emmett than i had to. So, literally sprinting into the shower, scrubbing my hair with shampoo and conditioner, rinsing, getting out and rubbing my body till it was red, only took me about five minutes. I brushed my teeth a little too hard and made my gum hurt a little.

Newly dressed and clean, i walked out of the shower room, noticing Ryan wasn't sat on the chair, keeping guard at the door like he usually is. I thought all patients had to be watched at all times. Well - i looked around - no-one was watching me now. I pushed it to the back of my mind as i sat down at the table, waiting for my breakfast. It wasn't long until a bowl of weetabix was placed in front of me.

I stared at the kitchen door as i ate, my back to the living area. I wondered where Ryan was, and Emmett. I panicked for a second before calming myself down. I was not going to over react because i couldn't see them. Emmett did have another life, away from me, so did Ryan. They can't be here twenty four seven, not matter how much i want them to be.

Sighing, i got up, leaving my weetabix half uneaten on the table. I turned around, glancing around the room idly. Every patient was either staring into space or doing something with their carer. Yes, every _patient _was doing that. Not visitors.

I caught four pairs of golden eyes and felt myself relax my unnoticed tense shoulders. I walked forward towards them, happy that they hadn't left me as i thought, or tried not to think. I was nearly at the sofa's where they all sat, smiling at me before i actually stopped and thought about it.

Four pairs of golden eyes? I looked around them. Esme, yes, Carlisle, yes, Emmett, yes and....

Rosalie?

My body and mind locked down on me. She couldn't be here, smiling at me. She hates me!

I didn't look at her, afraid to meet her glaring eyes or hear how much she hates me, calling me "The Human". My eyes were probably wide as saucers, my legs getting cramp from the sudden freeze.

I felt a cold hand on my arm, snapping me out of my thoughts. I looked up at Carlisle, a little numbed and shocked actually, and confused. Definately confused.

"I'm sorry i haven't seen you in a while Bella" He said, hugging me tightly, ignoring my damp hair. I hugged him back rather unenthusiastically, still shocked and a little scared of what was about to happen. I gulped down the bile that rose in my throat.

"It's okay" I whispered, remembering that _this was Carlisle _and all of this was because of him. He released me, but put his hand on my back, urging me forward, but not pushing me. So, the "getting cramp" was out of the window, i had it. It hurt. So, i moved forward, trying to get rid of it at the same time as hugging everyone.

Carlisle led me between two sofas, and to Esme first. She stood up and hugged me tightly. I hugged her with a little more strength after i remembered how i forgot about her yesterday.

Carlisle removed his hand and sat down next to Esme after she let me go. I turned around, feeling very vulnerable suddenly. Emmett opened his arms and lent forwards, waiting for me. I couldn't help but run the short distance and throw my arms around his neck fiercely. Now i felt safe. I sighed as he pulled me tight to his body, resting his head on my shoulder as i did to him.

I wasn't scared of anything right this second per-say, but i felt like what ever it was had disappeared. I felt Emmetts hold lessen, but he didn't let me go, and i never wanted him to. He lent back so he could see me, looking down at me, suddenly very serious.

"Bella, can you remember what me and Esme told you yesterday about Rose?" I nodded slightly, afraid to broach the subject.

"Well, i know you didn't believe anything we said because you are just as stubborn as you used to be" He smiled at me and i couldn't stop the edges of my lips from turning up slightly.

"But we were telling the truth Bella. Rose doesn't blame you, she doesn't hate you" Our eyes locked, and i couldn't look away. He was so serious, and i knew it wasn't a very common thing. He must really mean it. It was like no-one else was here and it was just me and him.

"But she hates me" I said, looking at the floor. I heard him sigh before he pulled me face back up to look at him.

"No - she - doesn't" He said imploringly, never breaking eye contact. We stood there for a while, neither of us blinking, begging the other to see it their way. I knew it was a lost cause, since vampires don't have to blink anyway, and besides, my eyes were beginning to hurt.

After a few blinks, i glanced at Rosalie who was sat beside Emmett. She was picking at her sleeve, hiding behind her hair. She didn't want to be here.

"Rose....." Emmett still had a firm grip on my waist, not letting me go anytime soon. She said something too low and quiet for me to hear, but Em rolled his eyes at her, glancing at me.

"Bella doesn't hate you" He shook his head at the pair of us.

"Jesus you two! Bella thinks Rose hates her and Rose thinks Bella hates her! Come on guys, some help here" He tugged playfully at my shirt.

I would have spoken, but i didn't know what to say. Luckily, Rosalie took that job away from me.

"You...you don't hate me?" I nearly missed it, dismissing it as a hum. But i heard it alright. When i looked back at her, she was looking at me with wide eyes. She wasn't the diva or the bitch i remembered, it was a girl who was hurting, and embarrassed.

"No, i don't hate you" I shuffled my feet a little, leaning on one of Emmett's legs for support as my legs began to ache from standing up for so long.

"I don't hate you either Bella. I never have, i was just jealous of you" She sighed, smiling a little as she confessed it to me. I frowned at her, confused once again.

"Jealous? Why would you be jealous of me?"

"Because you had it all. You could do anything, you had your whole life ahead of you. You could have gotten married, had kids, had a good career, bought a house somewhere, grown old and died happily" Emmett removed one of his arms around me to grab his wife's hand.

"But....." I was astounded at her logic "Look what you have! You have a husband who will do anything for you, a family that would help you with anything, you are gorgeous and will be forever, you don't have to worry about wrinkles or spots, you can do anything you wanted as well and you have unlimited time to do it! You have, like, a zillion dollars in hundreds of banks everywhere! I'm the jealous one!" And to be honest, i was. She had a family, i didn't. She had someone to love, who loved her back. But most of all, she had freedom.

"Maybe, it depend on how you look at it i guess" She shrugged. "But Bella, i don't hate you. I may have acted like a bitch before, but..now i realise how wrong i was. You're my sister Bella, and i want to act like one to you. If.....if you'll forgive me and....give me the chance" She mumbled the last part, but i still caught it.

I was shocked for a second, but she took it the wrong way. "If you can't it's okay, i mean i was a total bitch to you and i deserve all i get. If you never speak to me ever again i will totally understand why and i won't do-"

"Rosalie!" She was bordering on hysteric, and she said all that in one breath. All eyes turned to me as they waited for me to say something. Rose' eyes where as wide as mine where before, awaiting the verdict. I rolled my eyes at her, smiling slightly.

"Of course i forgive you Rose, i never blamed you anyway" She smiled, looking down. I looked at Emmett, who smiled, understanding what i was going to do. He let go of me and i stepped to my left, in front of Rose. She looked up at me questioningly.

"You're my sister too Rose, and despite everything, i still missed you" My voice was a whisper, but i didn't look away.

"I don't know how you could have missed me, but... i missed you too"

My eyes filled with tears as hers did. I dove onto her, hugging her tightly, as she did the same to me. My tears rolled down my face, but not from sadness, from joy. I had another sister. A sister i never thought i would have.

She pulled me onto her lap as we cried on each other. Well, i cried, Rose sobbed. I heard Emmett whisper something to himself, and it made me laugh.

"Yes, finally! My two favourite girls are friends" He sounded so happy that, for the first time i thought about how hard it must have been for Emmett. Being stuck between me and Rose must have been difficult for him to juggle.

We stayed like that for a while, and i imagine quite a while longer if Ryan hadn't interrupted. I saw the light behind my eye lids disappear and i opened my eyes to see Ryan's shadow looming over us. His face was grim and sad as he scratched the back of his neck nervously.

"I'm sorry Bella, but Doctor Laura wants to see you for your session. I've managed to stall her for a while due to what happened last time, but she won't wait anymore. She said she is to be alone as well" He said, turning to Carlisle who was getting up. He sat back down again, looking at me with worry and concern in his eyes.

I sniffed a few times and wiped the tear tracks from my cheeks as i got of Rose' lap and stood up. Ryan held out his hand and i took it, using it to keep my balance as i made my way out of the sofa's. I kept hold of it as we walked across the room and stood outside the Doctors door. I turned around, once again, meeting four pairs of golden eyes. This time, they were worried, and frowning instead of smiling.

I turned back around once i heard the click of the door. I took a deep breath before walking into the office, preparing myself for the onslaught of emotions and being forced to think about things i never think about. The office was significantly darker than the huge room i had just been in, despite the lights being on. It gave the entire room a tense and eirey atmosphere. I let go of Ryan's hand as i walked further into the room and sat down in the leather chair i have occupied so many times.

Ryan stayed in the room this time, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall beside the door, directly to my right. It was obvious from the annoyed glances and odd glares that Doctor Laura didn't want him in here, but she didn't say anything about it. She cleared her throat and sat up straighter in her chair, looking at me over her glasses.

"Well Bella, you look a lot better than you did last time" Her voice held no appraisal or positive tone that should go with that statement. In fact she looked quite disappointed with the fact i was better. Was this woman backwards or what?

"I am better, and i feel better too" I smiled, shocking her. She almost never ventured out into the main area where all the patients are so she never sees the normal things. I never smiled at her in any of my sessions before and i wasn't disappointed when she began scribbling on the clip board in front of her. I looked at Ryan and rolled my eyes, he smiled a little and shook his head.

"That is another thing. You two are very close, are you not?" Her gaze flitted between me and Ryan, her eyes critical. She had obviously seen the two of us and wasn't happy with it. I gulped, she could not separate or fire Ryan.

"Yes. Ryan had helped me through many things, and as a result we have become close" I worded carefully, not revealing that we were like a brother and sister to each other.

"I think perhaps too close" She said distracted. Ryan looked at me t the same time i looked at him, his face full of worry and panic. We both tensed awaiting her answer.

"However, i think removing you now would only slow down Bella's progress so you can stay with her for now. We shall be speaking about this later Ryan" She told him, he merely nodded at her, both of us relaxed again.

"So, how are you feeling today Bella?" She asked me, trying to adopt a kind and gentle tone but failing miserably.

"I'm okay" I smiled again, happy that i was actually okay and i wasn't lying.

"You look like you have been crying, is everything alright?" She peered over her glasses at me, and i resisted the urge to rip them off her face. Her condescending attitude and patronizing tone were grating on my last nerve already. I had been here nearly eight months and she was always like this, only before, i was too numb and out of it to do anything about it.

_No, i must not yell and scream at the Doctor, she is the one who determines if you get released or not _I berated myself.

"I just met someone i classed as a sister and mended a bridge i never knew i could. I am happy" I said, trying not to let the venomous remarks running through my mind seep into my voice.

"That's nice" She mumbled, not really meaning it as she looked at the piece if paper in front of her.

"Well, i think overall, you are doing much better. However, i am still concerned about how much your progress depends on your visitors" Her eyes never left my face while she was speaking, and i knew she was gaging my reaction.

I gritted my teeth together, stopping the influx of curses that threatened to be shouted at her. She was set on bringing me down, i knew it, but i wouldn't let her do that to me again. The Cullen's could hear this, of that i am very sure and i will not disappoint them.

"The _Cullen's_" I emphasised the word, not wanting them to be referred to as "my visitors".

"Yes, they are helping me get better. What is your point?" I failed in keeping my voice calm and sweet. Her face broke out in a smile when she heard it.

"That you will get even worse when they leave you" She said bluntly, wanting me to fall apart. No way.

"They won't leave" I said confidently, meeting her gaze.

"They will. They cannot stay here forever and who knows how long you will be in here" Her voice showed her impatience. I'm guessing not many people contradict her around here. Well, she had better get used to it.

"They are only young, and i am not that sick that i will be in here for years. They promised they will be here, and i believe them" I said, glaring at her, locking my jaw to keep from yelling at her.

"Okay. And what about when you leave and they can't visit here anymore?" Her lips turned up, thinking she had caught me out.

"I'll visit them" I never missed a beat as i replied, totally relaxed as i lent back in the chair. The frown that appeared on her face made me feel happy.

"Right well" She cleared her throat uncomfortably, i smirked a little at her flustered face. "Have you had any other problems? You haven't had an episode in a while" She said, looking between me and the piece of paper.

I frowned, thinking about it. She was right. I hadn't had an episode in ages and i wasn't naive enough to believe that i had been cured of that particular thing. "Yeah, i know" I mumbled. A victorious smirk appeared on her face before she hid it behind a sheet of paper.

"Well, just be careful. I'll tell the doctors to keep a look out" She said shortly. Ryan stepped away from the wall, unfolding his arms and walking behind me. He touched me on my shoulder, signalling to me that it was time to leave. I rose, not saying a thing. The Doctor didn't even acknowledge the fact that Ryan and i were leaving, looking the numerous papers on her desk.

We left the room, Ryan pushing me along. My mind was else where at the moment, because she had a point. I would have to be careful and watch my step.

I saw the golden eyes and somewhere in my mind i recognised them, but thoughts were whizzing around my head like med, never letting me concentrate on one thing at a time. How long ago was it that i had an episode? Two months? I usually had one a week, and i am seriously behind. I hope they aren't worse because of it.

I felt the sofa beneath me as i sat back. I stared unseeing at what ever was in front of me.

"She'll be okay, she's just thinking about things" Ryan said somewhere out of my range of vision. As soon as it entered my head, it left. I sat there for god knows how long, just thinking about this, the worry and dread mounting. My deepening frown was probably the thing that signalled to the others that what i was thinking about was going in the wrong direction.

"Bella? You okay honey?" I heard Esme ask to my right.

"Hhmmmm?" I hummed, looking at her worried face.

"Oh, sorry. I zone out sometimes" I shrugged and smiled a little.

"It's okay" She said, smiling gently, putting her arm across the back of my neck, letting me snuggle into her side. I laid my head on her shoulder and sighed happily. I wish i never had to move.

I heard a chuckle from Emmett "Sorry, but we all have to move at some point kiddo"

I frowned again "I really have to realise the difference between thinking and saying" Esme squeezed me gently and my smile returned.

"Bella....." I looked at Carlisle, his face set in a frown, his eyes worried and curious. A bad combination for a vampire.

I sighed, knowing what this was about. I had been waiting for it, and was actually surprised her lasted this long for him to crack.

"You heard what was said and you want to know what an "episode" constitutes" i said, smiling at Carlisle's shocked face.

"I've been waiting for it" I added, earning a smirk and a little head shake from him. It was just that i knew him well enough to know what he would ask.

"So......" He prodded.

"You've read my hospital notes?" I was shocked when they all nodded, expecting only Carlisle to have read them, but i wasn't really that bothered by it. Embarrassed, yes, angry, definitely not. So i carried on "Well, one time when i was... attacked" I edited, and i knew from their frowns that they noticed it, but they stayed silent.

"I have a huge scar on my back from my shoulder to my waist, and sometimes, i get this pain through it that literally floors me" I grimaced as i remembered last time it happened. Not only did my back feel like it was on fire, but my head was pounding because i hit it on the tiled floor.

"The doctors don't know why i get the pain since it's a scar, but i have to be careful because anything can set it off" I concluded, looking at their shocked faces.

"It's really that bad?" Esme sounded scared for me.

"Yeah. The doctors think i make it up for attention or it's just in my mind. It sure doesn't feel like it though" I frowned thinking about it.

"So, you heard all of that then?" I asked, referring to the session i had just attended.

"Yeah" Emmett said, scowling and sounding rather menacing "I would like to know how that woman got a job here. I would love to go in there and rip  
her-"

"Em, calm down" Rose soothed him, holding his hand tighter. Emmett turned to stare at her incredulously.

"I aren't the doctors biggest fan either Em, but it won't do any good to think about what you want to do to her. It really wouldn't fix anything would it?" Since when did Rose sound so much like a mother? So gentle and nice?

"I guess not" He conceded "I just hate the way she speaks to Bells. She's just so......" He trailed off, searching for a word.

"Condescending and patronising to the extent that you want nothing more than to hit her" I offered, earning a shocked glance from Carlisle. I shrugged.

"Yes, exactly" Em nodded.

A phone ringing stopped Em from saying any more. I lifted my head off her shoulder, and scooched away from Esme allowing her to answer her phone. I felt suddenly very alone sat here. Everyone else was sat with someone, and i was sat on my own, with no-one beside me. As if sensing my discomfort, Rose and Em scooched over, allowing enough room on the sofa for me to sit between them. I smiled, getting up and plopping down between them. I snuggled between them, sighing happily.

I didn't listen to Esme's conversation, it was rude. I thought about how good my life was.

I had what i needed now. I had shelter, food and water, i had a friend in Ryan and a family in the Cullen's. What else could i possibly need?

But it wasn't a matter of what i needed, but what i wanted. I wanted freedom. I wanted to make my own choices. I wanted to chose my own clothes, choose my own food. The simple things that had been taken away from you, that others take for granted.

They where the simple things in wanted.

Esme snapped her phone shut, putting it back in her pocket. I looked at her, only to find her smiling gently back at me. In fact all the Cullen's were smiling at me, it was slightly unnerving. I had obviously missed something important. I have to stop zoning out so often!

"What?" Why the hell were they staring at me and smiling like cheshire cats?

"Well....." Carlisle looked suddenly nervous, and unsure of himself.

"That was Jasper. He wants to.... visit you. If that would be okay with you?" Carlisle asked simply, his eyes never leaving mine.

My chest swelled. My family was coming together, person by person. Jasper. He was the one Cullen i had least contact with, even Rose glared at me. Jasper kept well away from me, though i know it was because he feared for my safety, it still hurt a little. I still class him as my brother, and i can hardly blame him for his thirst. It is part of who he is, what he is, and i can hardly hate him for it.

A huge smile spread across my lips, nearly hurting my face. I realised they were still waiting for my answer.

"Yes" I sighed, my eyes wide and hopeful.

"He'll be here in ten minutes. He was already in the car when he phoned" Esme frowned as she said it, obviously disapproving of his irrashional behaviour. God, i love Jasper.

Ten minutes. That was only six hundred seconds. I could not wait. I was, in fact, so happy that i began bouncing in my seat, causing the seat to bounce with me. As a result, Rose and Em started to bounce as well, which made them laugh at my behaviour. Emmett scooped me up and sat me on his lap so i wasn't bouncing the chair anymore, i was still bouncing though.

I was also concentrating on the numbers. Five hundred and ten.... five hundred and nine......five hundred and eight...

"You're counting down aren't you?" Emmett smirked at me, shaking his head. I pouted, crossing my arms angrily.

"Not anymore! You made me lose count!" I said, sounding like a child, and earning a few chuckles from everyone.

"Four hundred and eighty" He whispered in my ear. I merely nodded, not wanting to loose my place again. The time passed quickly, my nerves and excitement mounting with every passing second.

Two hundred.......

One hundred.....

Twenty five......

"He's just getting out of his car Bella" Esme said, breaking the silence. I squealed, getting off Emmetts lap. I frowned a little at an arrant thought, turning back to him. Once again, he was like a mind reader.

"You look fine Bella, stop worrying" He rolled his eyes, pushing me towards the door.

A sudden case of butterflies made me hesitate. But, what if.......

"Bella, don't do this okay? You thought the same with us, and we are here because we want to be aren't we?" He said, as i nodded, gulped back the bile that, once again rose in my throat.

"Well then...... go on" He pushed me once again towards the door. I walked towards it, wringing my hands nervously, my heart pounding in my chest so loudly that i am sure Jasper could hear it outside.

Before i could reach the door, it buzzed and opened. Jasper walked through the door, allowing it to close behind him before turning and facing me. I froze, my breath stuck in my throat.

There was a mere ten feet between us, thought neither of us moved or speak. Our eyes, however, never broke the connection they had made. The golden colour swirled with so many emotions that i couldn't place it confused me. His face was soft, he looked in shock actually.

"Are...are you okay?" I gulped, nervously "Thirsty?" My voice went up an octave, though i wasn't scared.

He lowered his eyes to the floor "No, i aren't thirsty. I would never hurt you Bella" He whispered, looking up at me through his lashes. I sighed, frustrated. He was getting the wrong impression, i would have to show him.

So, i ran to him. I knew he wasn't expecting it, but it only took him a few seconds to hug me back tightly, burying his face in my hair as i buried mine in his shoulder.

"Good, 'cos this would be kind of hard is you were" I sniffed, chuckling slightly as he did.

"Yeah, a little" He agreed, but didn't move.

We stood clinging to each other for a while, neither moving an inch, just.... hugging like there was no tomorrow.

"God, i missed you Bella" He whispered into my hair.

"I missed you too Jasper" My voice constricted from the tears that were flowing down my face.

I felt and heard him chuckle. "Yeah, sure" He said sarcastically.

I looked at him, confused. He sighed, tilting his head to the side a little and frowning. He wiped away my tears as he spoke.

"I hurt you Bella. I caused all of this mess, and even before this, i never spoke to you, so how could you miss me?"

How the _HELL _could he think like that? Of course i missed him! He's my brother, no matter what he did or wanted to do, he will always be my brother. He thought that, just because he didn't speak to me, that i didn't miss him. That was what he expected. So, did he think that about me? He never spoke to me, so how could he miss me? We weren't close or anything like it, so how could he _possibly _miss me?

I stepped back from him, tears falling again. He was lying to me. Another person was lying to me! Everyone lied to me! Thinking i ws too fragile to know the truth and only saying things i wanted to hear, things that i could _cope _with hearing. Always sugar coating things so make them seem nice, or just plain, out right lying about it.

I was sick of it!

His eyes widened as he felt my anger and frustration. "No! Bella, that's not what i meant!"

"You don't even know what i am thinking about, so stop lying!" I said slowly at him. How did he know i was wrong if he didn't even know what i was thinking about. He just didn't want me to get angry at him.

I turned to leave, to get away from him and his lies. I wasn't sure if the others had been lying too anymore. Emmett? Carlisle? Rose? Esme? Had it all been lies? Really?

"Bella, wait!-" But i turned away from him, or tried to.

White hot pain sliced through my back as i turned my body. The pain took control, like it usually does. My sight blurred, my hearing faded, all i could feel was pain. Nothing else mattered, nothing else existed but the pain.

I wasn't aware that i was falling until i felt cold, i felt stone arms grab me and pull me. I could hear frantic voices all around me, and i struggled to recognise them, or put a face to them.

"Bella? Can you hear me? Bella!" The voice was faint, like in the other end of a tunnel. I tried to match the voice, but my mind couldn't concentrate on one thing. Every time i tried, the pain flashed through me, wiping my mind of anything but itself. Still, i had to know this voice! It seemed familiar...

Carlisle!

Yes, it was Carlisle. I tried to look at him, but it was darkness. When did i close my eyes? I struggled to open them, to see anything, but i couldn't find my eyes. I tried to move my head, but i couldn't. I was paralyzed by the fear, totally immobile.

I concentrated on the voices, trying to get out of this black hole that threatened to pull me down. I found that it was easier to hear when i concentrated on them.

"Emmett, get Ryan! Quick!" I heard a womans voice say. Esme? It must be.

I heard footsteps, but my hearing faded again once another round of pain ran through my body. I felt my body, my hands curled into fists, my legs curled so i was in a fetal position on the floor, my entire body shaking. Screaming. It was me that was screaming. I was fading again, into the blackness and i was afraid i would never get out of it. The pain never decreased, but my body became more numb. I was slipping.

But something held me to reality. A hand gripped mine tightly, keeping me grounded.

"Come on Bella! Stay with me, please!" It was Jasper, his voice was the easiest to recognise since he was the last one i spoke to. He must have felt my emotions fading as i slipped. Now... now he was the only thing keeping me from going under.

"Jasper?" It was Esme again, but she sounded confused. My hearing was coming back slowly, the pain increasing as my hearing did.

"She was fading Esme. Her emotions were fading, and she was numbing. I had to do something" He said desperately.

"Did it work?"

"I think so. Her emotions are stronger, but i don't know how long for" I could hear his fast breathing, his hand squeezing mine.

A screamed again as the pain ripped through me.

"Bella! Jesus, this is bad!" I heard Ryan somewhere near by.

"What do you mean?" Jasper asked frantically.

I heard him unzipping something, glass and metal hitting the tiled floor that i was laid on. The coldness didn't bother me, nor did the hardness make me uncomfortable. The pain and heat made those things seem minute.

"She's had these episodes before, since before she has been in here, but never this bad. It must be because she hasn't had one in months" He said quietly, somewhere above me, working while he spoke.

"Right, here we go" Was all i heard before the pain reared again and i screamed out. I felt myself shaking curling in on my myself, trying to disapate the pain somewhat. A sharp, quick pain in my arm was lost in the pain running through my veins.

"There you go. That should help" His voice was fading again, only the pain decreased with it. I was fading again into unconsciousness, but i couldn't stop it this time. I tried to stay grounded, using Jasper's hand to keep me here, but the pain got worse as i tried. Wouldn't it be better to loose the pain than keep it and be paralyzed? I was a coward, i knew this. I was running away, but i just wanted the pain to end.

I surrendered to it, letting it numb the pain totally until i felt a second of peace and tranquility. I felt the cold, hard floor beneath me, the cold hand in mine, i felt it as my muscles relaxed in the absence of the pain.

I had experienced hell, many, many times. So, this must be what heaven feels like.

Too bad i can't stay here forever

**Tell me what you think!!!  
Very angsty, this chapter. I was planning to do separate chapters for every person, but i just went with the flow and this is what i got.  
I need to know People!  
:)**


	14. Forgiven, but never forgotten

**Disclaimer- I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT**

**PREVIOUSLY.............**

**"There you go. That should help" His voice was fading again, only the pain decreased with it. I was fading again into unconsciousness, but i couldn't stop it this time. I tried to stay grounded, using Jasper's hand to keep me here, but the pain got worse as i tried. Wouldn't it be better to loose the pain than keep it and be paralyzed? I was a coward, i knew this. I was running away, but i just wanted the pain to end.**

**I surrendered to it, letting it numb the pain totally until i felt a second of peace and tranquility. I felt the cold, hard floor beneath me, the cold hand in mine, i felt it as my muscles relaxed in the absence of the pain.**

**I had experienced hell, many, many times. So, this must be what heaven feels like.**

**Too bad i can't stay here forever**

**Okay, this is Rose' perspective. Never tried this before, so bear with me!!**

**NOW.........**

**Rose's Perspective.........**

I sat, shocked, as my husband ran out of the house at full speed, only leaving me with a chaste kiss on the cheek.

What the hell was going on?!

"Emmett's gone to see Bella" Edward said, coming downstairs for the first time in days. It took a moment for me to actually take in what he was saying.

"What?! He's gone to see Bella........." I seethed, glowering at the spot my husband disappeared from. The least he could have done is taken me with hm, or told me! I want to see Bella too!

Edward chuckled at my thoughts, sitting down in the middle of the three seater opposite me.

"It's hard isn't it? Watching everyone else go and you can't" I said glumly, leaning back on the sofa. There was no point in chasing after him and dragging him back, because he would only keep on trying until he succeeds. Edward frowned, pulling his knees up into the fetal position again. I swear, if he keeps doing that i will snap his legs off!

"Hard? It's bloody torture! Besides, you can see her" He said quietly, ignoring my thoughts about dismembering him. I frowned, confused.

He sighed, looking up at me. "Rose, Bella is kind and gentle. She'll forgive you if you give her the chance" His eyes betrayed the emotions he tried to hide from us all. It hurt me to see Em go, but he has had to watch all of them go and see her, bringing their thoughts back with them. Happy, joyful thoughts about their time with Bella. Poor sod.

"They said she's changed though. Not for the worst..... just... different" I said cautiously.

"Yeah, i suppose. But.. it is Bella, and you'll never know if you don't try" He sighed, a defeated look in his eyes.

If Bella has changed, does that mean that she could..... No, Bella couldn't hate Edward. I saw how much she loved him, even if i did ignore her all the time. You couldn't miss it! But... could she really change that much that the love she felt has turned to hate? I find that truly hard to believe. I thought back to what he said, and maybe she has changed, but it doesn't mean it's for the worst.

"Then..... couldn't it be the same with you?" I asked hesitantly, not knowing if he wanted to broach the subject. Though, Edward spent all of his time thinking about Bella, so i am sure he already thought of every possibility and every outcome possible.

"You didn't hurt her Rose. You had a valid excuse, well, sort of valid. Me......" He ran his hands through his hair, his eyes tortured. "I threw away the one good thing i found besides you all. You heard her in the meeting. She can't stand me, she hates me and i can hardly blame her. She gave me her heart... and i stomped on it and ripped it to shreds. I hurt her Rose, and i don't think there is anything i can do to make it right again"

I sat, shocked, as he began sobbing. I had never seen him so... vulnerable. I paused for a second before rushing over to his side and hugging him like there was no tomorrow. I was new at this whole "comfort" thing, especially with Edward. Even before, we weren't that close. Yes, were like brother and sister, but we got on each others nerves a lot and stayed away from each other.

I pulled him onto my lap, letting him press his face into my shoulder as he sobbed tearlessly. His entire body shook from the force of them, from the amount of pain and grief he was going through.

I heard a door open and two sets of footsteps enter through the front door. I peeked over to see Alice stood, gazing at us with a sympathetic look on her face, as Jasper's face was scrunched up, no doubt as a result of Edwards emotions. I could basically feel them from here. It was heartbreaking to witness your brother, the one with the hard, tough exterior, go to pieces.

"Edward..." Alice whispered, sitting on the other side of Edward. She gently transferred him over to her. Alice knew better what he was going through. Edward wasn't the only one who got close to Bella when she was here, and i knew from what i saw, that Alice and Bella were not only best friends, but sisters too. They were closer than me and Alice were.

I silently got off the sofa, walking over to Jasper. His face was still scrunched up from all the painful emotions that Edward, and now probably, Alice were emitting.

"What happened? Why didn't Alice see it?" I sais softly, i could hardly get angry at anyone in this situation.

"Alice only had the vision when he was running out of the house. We were already thirty seven miles in the opposite direction. There was no way we could have stopped him" Jasper said calmly, managing to clear the painful expression from his face with a little effort.

I nodded, understand now. We both looked at Alice and Edward clutching each other and sobbing. Our family was coming together agian. The only problem was that some got hurt in the process. I frowned, thinking about when all this will finally be over and we can actually be a family once again.

"Don't worry, it'll all get better Rose, we just have to wait for it" I heard Jasper say next to me, probably feeling my worry.

I sighed "I hope your right Jazz, 'cos the only thing keeping us all together is Bella" It was actually shocking how close we had all come in the past months, since we found out about Bella. Like me and Edward, me and Jasper were never what you would call close. How that girl changed our lives!

He merely nodded beside me and we lapsed into silence, watching Alice and Edward sobbing, knowing that only one thing could make the pain and hurt go away. But, what i said was true.

Our family fell apart. We didn't just gradually drift away from each other, we ripped ourselves away from the others. In truth, we all hated each other to some degree, all blaming each other and ourselves for having to leave. Now, after finding out all this happened, all of us have stopped blaming each other and placed the blame solely on ourselves. We came together temporarily, but now we are inseparable. Bella is the glue binding our family together. If anything happened to her, if the minute connection we had managed to re-create were to be destroyed by anything, our family would once again fall apart. Only this time, nothing would be able to pull us together again.

I glanced out the window, shocked at seeing how dark it was already. I heard shuffling and light footsteps upstairs. I forgot about Esme being here, she's just so darn quiet all the time. Always thinking about Bella and smiling and chuckling about something or other.

Jasper and I turned, watching as she descended the stairs and froze as she took in Alice and Edward sobbing in each others arms. I could see the panic as sure as Jasper could feel it.

"What happened? What's wrong?" She ran the rest of the way to where we were standing, her eyes frantically flitting between me and Jazz to Edward and Alice. They hadn't moved to look at Esme, and i could tell this was worrying her.

"Carlisle is fine, and so Bella as far as we know" I could tell she wasn't assured. Jazz stepped in, laying a calming- literally- hand on her shoulder. She relaxed almost instantly.

"Jasper? What are you are Alice doing back so early?" She turned to Jasper, confusion obvious in her features.

"Alice had a vision of Em and we came back to try to stop it, but we were too late" He explained lightly.

"Why?" She paused to look around searching for third son, frowning when she couldn't see him, returning her gaze to both of us.

"Where is he?" She raised on of her eyebrows, probably thinking he is going on one of his little escapades again.

"He's gone to see Bella" I said bluntly. Esme was silent for about a second before she smiled and giggled, clapping her hands together.

"That's good. I have been waiting for him to give in, and Bella spoke about him" She said, gazing lovingly at nothing in particular.

Both of us just stood there with our mouths and eyes wide with shock. She rolled her eyes as us, smiling a little. She looked so..... happy. I missed that in my mum.

"Come on! You saw how much he missed her! The only reason he didn't come back when we first left is because he didn't know where she would be, or if she would accept him. And now he doesn't have to worry about that" She sighed happily "She'll be so happy to see him again" She walked in the direction of the kitchen, a wide smile and sparkling eyes on her face.

Jasper and i looked at each others frozen expression, before turning and noticing that the sobbing had stopped. Jasper cleared his throat, blinking a few times.

"Well..... it's safe to say that we weren't expecting that" He chuckled, running a hand through his hair and going to sit next to a red eyed Alice.

He picked her up and laid her on his lap, her snuggling into his neck. "She'll be happy" I could see the smile that she tried to hide in Jasper's shoulder.

"Yeah" I said, sitting down on a sofa heavily. I chewed the inside of my lip, contemplating when i could see her. I wanted to see her! Now Em was gone too, and there was only Me, jazz, Ali and Edward left. This was unbearable.

"Yeah, it is" Edward met my eyes, and i understood him. It was a strange thing to have, i must admit. I always thought he was just broody and a little depressed man, but then Bella came along and changed him in nearly every way possible. Inside and out, he was different. I was too busy being jealous and hating Bella that i didn't take the time to notice how much happier he, and the rest of my family was with Bella around. But now.... after all this, i finally have a level ground with him. And- to some extent at least- i understand him.

Edward my thoughts, and had moved back into the fetal position. I was glad he wasn't sobbing anymore, though that might have something to do with Jasper's proximity and wanting to keep Ali calm.

We stayed like that all night, and most of the morning. If anyone had looked in on us, they would have thought us to be statues. The only noise or movement would be when Esme passed to go upstairs and her humming and singing to herself. Every time i heard or saw her, i couldn't help but smile. The others did too, but Esme ignored us, choosing not to comment on our stillness, too busy being happy.

Carlisle came home in the morning, after volunteering to do a night shift at the hospital. He was like a legend down there, and they could hardly turn him down. Though most people were difficult and blanked him he got on with his job. The rest of us, save for Esme don't go in public at all. I don't know about the others but i don't fancy being glared at. I wouldn't mind that much, but i can hear every word they say, and poor Edward can hear every snotty, horrible comment they even think, never mind say. It is safer for us- and them- if we stay out of the way.

If anyone says the wrong thing, and one of us overhear, i don;t think we would be able to control ourselves to be honest. Especially if it was about Bella. Though these people seem very protective of her, so i don't think there is any fear of that. But.. then there was Edward. Any errant thoughts, even little ones, would push him over the edge. And how do you explain that your brother just tried snapping your neck because you insulted someone in your thoughts?

"Are you all alright?" His gaze turned worried as he took in our stiff positions, but we relaxed as not to scare him.

"Yeah, we're alright" Alice chirped from Jasper's arms.

"Rose... where is Emmett?" He raised his eyebrows as i sighed.

"He went to see Bella last night, just ran off without a moments notice" I said, letting the anger and frustration with my husband colour my voice.

"Oh. Really?" He didn't sound shocked at all, but i could see the ends of his lips turning up as he fought it down.

I just shook my head at him, turning to Alice. "What do you see?"

She closed her eyes for a few seconds before she smiled widely, squealing and opening her eyes again.

"She's asleep, but when she wakes up Em will be there and they will hug and talk" She bounced as she spoke, almost bluring at the speed she was going.

I couldn't help the jealousy that flared in me. I wanted that! I wanted to hug her, to apologize over and over again until she forgave me, and if she didn't, i would never give up until she did.

We settled back into comfortable silence, Jasper gently rocking Alice even though she was okay now. Edward just sat staring into space. Carlisle was with Esme laughing about something. I missed that around here. Laughter.

Bella had made such an impact on us it was impossible not to see it. Who would have guessed it, seven, frozen, never changing vampires have been ultimately changed by one little human girl? But that little human girl was vital to our survival as a family.

"Rose?" My gaze went back to Alice, who was smirking and gazing back at me curiously.

"Why, in every future i see, are you going to visit Bella today?" She raised one eye brow at me, still grinning, knowing my answer anyway.

I shrugged, a huge smile on my face. I missed smiling. I was just so glad that i.... Oh My God! I was going to see Bella in- I glanced at the clock- eleven o'clock in the morning- An hour and a half! I had to be ready!

Jasper chuckled and sent me a wave of calm which i silently thanked him for. He smiled back as he felt me gratitude. Edward didn't even move, but i swear i saw him flinch at my happy thoughts.

_I'm sorry Edward. I know how hard this must be for you, I really am sorry _I thought to him. I merely nodded, but didn't relax.

I got up, glancing down at what i was wearing. A little skirt, leather boots, and a tight, low cut top. I had to change.

I raced upstairs and into mine and Emmett's room, flung open the wardrobe doors and stared at the rail for a few seconds, debating on what to wear.

I had seen what Bella had worn, just white. Pure white, thin cotton clothes. I couldn't wear white, that colour was out. So were shorts, skirts and short, tight, or low cut shirts. I didn't want to go in there looking like i used to, all bitchy and dressed to make everyone else look bad. I had to go simple but nice.

"Rose, I'm going now. Can you come later with Carlisle, it might be better if i.. you know.... prepare her. It's always emotional when she meets one of us" Esme said, appearing at my door, holding her car keys. I nodded, understanding. There was no way i was going to compromise this, even if it meant i had to wait years to see her. Well... maybe not that long.

In the end, i chose a nice pair of dark flare jeans and a plain red tank top. That simple thing took me half an hour, and by then, Esme was long gone, probably already there, talking to her.

Carlisle went to work, but promised he wouldn't be long. I sat, impatiently drumming my fingers on the arm of the sofa for half an hour. Alice just chuckled at me, while Jasper tried to calm me down. The fact trouble was that i was... just so excited and so impatient.

Finally, after two hours of pure agony, I heard Carlisle pull up outside. Edward had long before hidden in his bedroom, but Alice and Jasper where locked in an epic battle of... chess. But it was no normal chess match, there were four boards put together and three sets of pieces. It was harder than normal chess, and they had invited me to play it three ways but i was too distracted. Besides, what was the point of playing against Alice?

As soon as he hit that horn, i was out the sofa and heading for the door. I knew how much he missed his daughter, no matter how much he tried to hide it.

I sat in that car for an hour, and it was torture. My cheeks ached from smiling so wide for so long, the suspension was going to need some attention when i got home from all my bouncing. Carlisle just smiled and chuckled at my behaviour, leaving me to my own devices.

When we got there, i took a minute to glare at the building. It looked more like a prison now i knew she was inside it. Bella wasn't crazy!

Carlisle tugged on my arm, pulling we out of my reverie. We walked in into the little office and signed the book to say we were here. I took a deep breath before following Carlisle through the large security door, nervous and... scared of how my presence will be accepted.

We stayed just inside the door, letting the door close behind us and waiting.

Some other patients were up and about, their careers giving us smiles as they saw us. Talk about patronizing.

After about thirty seconds, when i was about to ask Carlisle what the hell we were waiting for, i saw Ryan walking up to a door. Bella's door. I remembered that was the one Edward went in and paid Bella down in. Bella was in there, with Emmett.

My eyes were glued to the little exchange they had, listening and watching everything.

"Awake Bella? You were out for a long time" Ryan leaned casually against the wall, a huge smile on his face. I kind of liked that guy.

_"Yeah, i needed to catch up on some sleep" _I could practically hear her rolling her eyes at him and smirked slightly.

Ryan opened the door, still smiling. "Shower time?" Ryan asked, smiling wider. She merely nodded and walked past him and towards the opposite end of the room. She hadn't seen us.

Ryan watched her go until the door clicked, then glanced our way. He froze for a moment before shaking his head, smirking.

"Emmett, some of your family are here" He called into the room. Still shaking his head, he walked away through another door.

"Rosie!" Emmett nearly yelled, causing people to look at us. He ran up to me- at human speed of course- and hugged he, picking me up and swinging me around. I chuckled a little as he put me down, seeing that Carlisle and Esme were..saying hello as well.

We joined them on the sofas, me and Em on one, Carlisle and Esme on another.

"So... how is she?" I asked hesitantly to Esme and Emmett.

They shared a loaded glance, before Em turned to me. I was worried already.

"She told me something, opened up a bit" He said, but his eyes were sad, regretful. I had been looking at them for the past eight months.

"She told me how.... how she hurt herself. She told me that... it made her feel like she had a little power over her own life. If she lived or...." He gulped, obviously horrified by it "Died" he choked out. I squeezed his hand reassuringly.

"It's our fault Rose. We made her feel like that" He whispered, unshed tears in his eyes. Em was the big man, but only i had seen this side of him. we had all seen him funny and joking around, but only i had seen him sob.

"It's okay Em, she's okay" I whispered comfortingly.

"I was an ass, Rose" he said, ignoring my attempts to soothe him. I stayed quiet, letting him vent it all. Esme was watching with sad, knowing eyes, while Carlisle's gaze was fixed on Emmett.

"She told me all that, and Ryan told us before that.... that she never opened up to anyone, never told anyone anything. That's why i sat and listened to it. But... afterwards.... i was a total jerk" He sighed, raising his head.

"She told me she used to hurt herself on purpose, that she liked it, and you know what i did? Nothing" he spat the word.

"No words of comfort, no hugging, nothing. She thought.... she thought i was disgusted with... with _her_. She was pulling away from me, and i couldn't....." he was lost for words, and never had i seen my husband this.... grief stricken. Only when we first found out...

"I was scared of loosing her, and.... i scared her Rose. She got as far away from me as she could in that little room, and she stood against the wall and cried" his unshed-able tears were back, but i knew better than to stop him.

"She wouldn't look or talk to me at all, and... i was scared and i... I yelled at her Rose" He closed his eyes, ashamed. I knew my husband enough to know this.

"She was scared, terrified. And i did that!" He frowned at nothing "She.." The frown disappeared, the ashamed face returning.

"I could smell the fear, the adrenaline, she was... trembling even worse than she was when she was crying, her knuckles were white" He stared off into space, as though he was seeing it all again.

"She cried even harder and.. she was.. gasping for breath" He shook his head, his gaze fixed back on me.

"I had to fix it Rose, and... i hugged her. I have never been so... afraid. Afraid that she wouldn't..... wouldn't hug me back, wouldn't want to see me, that she would fear me"

"But she doesn't, she can't" I told him, liking the smile it brought.

"Yeah, she doesn't. She hugged me back... but there were a few seconds when.... i really thought i had lost her again" He sighed again, casting his eyes downwards.

"You never lost her in the first place" I whispered.

He chuckled a little, leaning back on the sofa, pulling me with him so i was next to him.

"We somehow got onto the subject of Alice, and..... she is exactly like her"

I was shocked. Bella liked shopping? he must have seen my confused expression because he hurried to explain.

"No, not the shopping. But you know when we mention Bella Alice goes all......" he hesitated and we all nodded.

"Well, bells is exactly the same. She misses her a lot. Anyway, Bella fell back to sleep after the whole shouting, crying thing and she is going to be out the shower in a minute" He said, glancing to his left, to the door Bella had gone through. I took a much needed deep breath.

"We tried to tell her that you wanted to make amends, but she somehow ended up making excuses for you" Esme said, chuckling slightly. Why was she making excuses for me? I should be the one making excuses for me! That really doesn't make any sense.

I nodded, thinking. "Hey, out of Ali, Jazz and Edward, who do you think is next to visit her?" I pondered out loud.

"'Cos i was thinking, Jasper would be next, then Alice and then Edward. You said that Alice and Edward should be last due to their closeness, and Bella would feel more betrayed by them" I explained, earning a few nods.

"But... Jasper was the one who went for her, she might be afraid-" Carlisle cut Em off mid sentence.

"She doesn't fear him Emmett, it was one of the first things she told me. She said that she knew the dangers of hanging with... our kind and understood that it might happen" Carlisle said.

We stayed silent for a minute "So... Jazz, Alice and then Edward" Esme concluded.

We all looked up when Bella walked out of the door, hair damp and hanging down her shoulders, a huge grin on her face. She still hadn't seen us.

"Can Eddie last that long?" Em thought out loud, and we all looked at each other. We honestly didn't know.

Each time one of us visited, Edward pulled further away from us, and we were afraid to loose him all together.

"If it involves Bella, i think he is willing to wait forever" Carlisle said, smiling as Bella ate her cereal, still not seeing us since her back was to us. Suddenly, i wasn't sure if this was a good idea or not.

She didn't finish her breakfast which was... weetabix. Yummy! (Sarcasm there if you got it- well done!)

She turned, like she was going to walk back to her room, but then her eyes casually went around the room, looking at it. Everyone held their breaths. She caught our eyes and i saw her body relax, not realising she was tense. She smiled brightly, before freezing about ten foot from us. Her eyes went around all of us, First Carlisle, then Esme, then Emmett, almost as though she was counting.

When she reached me, her eyes widened and her heartrate picked up. She looked at the floor, and i seriously thought about running now. We were all concerned about her, but Carlisle was the only one who could move at this moment.

When he touched her arm, she looked up. It was clear that she was confused by the line between her eye brows, and her eyes were still wide from shock... or fear.

"I'm sorry i haven't seen you in a while Bella" He hugged her tightly, and i could see how he relaxed once she hugged him back. She did so hesitantly, but that was to be expected, and it didn't phase Carlisle one bit. He was just glad he had the chance to see his daughter again. It was clever how he changed the subject, trying to get her to calm down, it didn't work, but it was a nice try.

"It's okay" She whispered. She sounded so.... small, so hesitant and a little... out of it. Carlisle let go of her, but moved his hand to her back, encouraging her, but also giving her the chance to turn around and back away.

She went to Esme first, who stood up and hugged her tightly, even though she had seen her minutes ago. She seemed morwe with it, recovered from her little shock as she hugged her back with more strength. Carlisle sat back down, allowing her to move on her own.

Esme sat down again, and she turned around. It was clear, how she held herself, her eyes and expression that she felt vulnerable. Em shifted beside me, sitting forward again and opening his arms for her. She ran the distance and threw her arms around his neck fiercely. She sighed quietly, as though some weight had been removed from her.

Emmett pulled her closer and i gave him use of both hands. She rested her head on his shoulder, and any other girl did that i would rip their eyes out. But not Bella.

"Down to business" Em said, too quiet for Bella to hear, but the others nodded. He glanced at me, asking silently if i was ready. NEVER!

I nodded as well. He lent back to Bella was sat up on her own and looked at her seriously. She looked.... so child-like in that second.

"Bella, can you remember what me and Esme told you yesterday about Rose?" She nodded a little, her eyes down as she fiddled with the edge of her white shirt almost unconsciously.

"Well, i know you didn't believe anything we said because you are just as stubborn as you used to be" Em smiled at her and she smiled back a little.

"But we were telling the truth Bella. Rose doesn't blame you, she doesn't hate you" He looked right into her eyes and it was as though she couldn't look away. Now... Em isn't serious very often, and when he is, it is important. I just hope she knew this.

"But she hates me" She said as though she had forgotten we were here. She broke eye contact and looked at the floor.

He sighed. "Just like Edward" He muttered. He pulled her head up gently, so he could look at her.

"No - she - doesn't" He never looked away from her, trying to get it into her head that i didn't hate her. I did agree with Em though, she is remarkably like Edward. Alone, self sacrificing, stubborn, and broken.

Emmett turned the conversation into a mini staring contest. Neither blinked for ages, trying to get each other to understand their side. I did understand her side and where she was coming from. I treated her like dirt for months, not even using her real name.

Suddenly, i was filled with shame and i looked away from them both, fiddling with the sleeve of my jacket. I shouldn't be here......

"Rose....." I noticed he kept a firm grip on her waist. Jesus, he wasn't going to give up was he!

Without looking at him, i answered. "I shouldn't be here Em, she hates me" I said took quietly for him to hear me.

"Bella doesn't hate you" He said, though my gaze remained on my shirt.

"Jesus you two! Bella thinks Rose hates her and Rose thinks Bella hates her! Come on guys, some help here" He said playfully, and i looked up to see him tugging on her shirt. Just like in junior school when you ask if you can play with a group of kids. Fear of rejection.

She looked so young and innocent that i took the burden of starting from her.

"You...you don't hate me?" I asked quietly half not wanting her to hear it. I am sure my eyes were wide as i watched for her response. She looked up slowly, her eyes wide as well.

"No, i don't hate you" She scuffed her feet on the floor, using Ems leg to lean on since she had been stood for a while.

"I don't hate you either Bella. I never have, i was just jealous of you" I smiled a little at how childish i was back then. Why was i so jealous? Sure, what human wouldn't be jealous of Bella? But i had everything i wanted and needed. I sighed quietly when i saw her frown. It dawned on me that this, was the most we have ever spoken to each other. Why did it take all this to make me see what a bitch i was?

"Jealous? Why would you be jealous of me?"

"Because you had it all. You could do anything, you had your whole life ahead of you. You could have gotten married, had kids, had a good career, bought a house somewhere, grown old and died happily" I felt Emmett's hand in mine, but i didn't need it anymore. I was done mourning the "What ifs" and finally ready to live my life.

"But....." she looked like she couldn't believe what i was saying."Look what you have! You have a husband who will do anything for you, a family that would help you with anything, you are gorgeous and will be forever, you don't have to worry about wrinkles or spots, you can do anything you wanted as well and you have unlimited time to do it! You have, like, a zillion dollars in hundreds of banks everywhere! I'm the jealous one!" I could see the honesty in her eyes and i bet she was jealous. After everything that happened to her, i bet my life seems luxurious.

"Maybe, it depend on how you look at it i guess" I shrugged "But Bella, i don't hate you. I may have acted like a bitch before, but..now i realise how wrong i was. You're my sister Bella, and i want to act like one to you. If.....if you'll forgive me and....give me the chance" I mumbled the last part, scared of what she will say.

Her silence scared me and my heart plummeted into my stomach. She wouldn't forgive me. I was too much of a bitch!

"If you can't it's okay, i mean i was a total bitch to you and i deserve all i get. If you never speak to me ever again i will totally understand why and i won't do-"

"Rosalie!" My eyes were probably bugging out of my head and i was rambling like a loony- oops, can't say that around Bella, might be sensitive. All eyes were focused on Bella, waiting for what she would say. I begged her silently to forgive me, ready to do anything.

She rolled her eyes, smiling broadly at me.

"Of course i forgive you Rose, i never blamed you anyway" And i smiled. A real, face shatteringly wide smile. I was too wrapped up in happiness to notice Bella moving. Only when she stood right in front of me did i see her. I gave her a confused look.

"You're my sister too Rose, and despite everything, i still missed you" Her voice was whispered, broken and it took all my self control not to hug her and sob.

"I don't know how you could have missed me, but... i missed you too" I managed to choke out.

Just like Emmett, she dove at me and hugged me tightly, i did the same to her. I could smell her tears and froze in fear that i was hurting her. Esme smiled and shook her head slightly and i relaxed. Good tears.

Her tears got worse, and i could no longer keep mine at bay. I pulled her onto my lap and we cried and sobbed on each other. It felt like... a huge weight had been lifted from me, like.... my life had been kept in the dark and now had been shown the light.

Emmett whispered something to Esme and Carlisle. Of course i could hear him perfectly, and from Bella's chuckle, i think she did too.

"Yes, finally! My two favourite girls are friends" He was happy that Bella had another sister, that her family and friends were growing and... she wasn't alone. She still didn't know how much she meant to us.

We stayed like that for half an hour, but i heard his footsteps before i caught his scent. If it was anyone else i would have growled at him and told him to go away. Me and Bella were having a moment, and he would ruin it.

I sighed quietly, as Ryan stood over Bella and I, blocking out the light. Bella opened her eyes, peering at Ryan. He scratched his neck nervously, sorrowfully.

"I'm sorry Bella, but Doctor Laura wants to see you for your session. I've managed to stall her for a while due to what happened last time, but she won't wait anymore. She said she is to be alone as well" Carlisle was in the process of getting up to accompany her, we all were. But i guess she had to go alone. I could see the worry etched on his face as he looked Bella.

I heard Bella sniff from my arns, wiping her tear stained face and got up. I missed her weight instantly. Ryan helped her get out of the maze of sofas and walking across the door. I didn't miss Carlisle and his little altercation though.

"Keep an eye on her" Carlisle whispered, desperate. A little nod was all he was given in return as he turned and back to where he was walking.

We were all worried. Last time she had one of these "sessions" she didn't talk to Esme or Carlisle for two weeks! She looked back, but we weren't quick enough to mask the worry frowns on our faces.

She took a deep breath before walking into that tiny office, and the door closed behind her with a final thud and click. We heard her sit down in the same chair as last time. I expected to see Ryan come out of the room, but he stayed this time. I guess if anything got out of hand, he would step in. He was a really nice man, and a good friend to Bella.

I heard the _doctor _if you can call her that, clear her throat, getting someones attention.

"Well Bella, you look a lot better than you did last time" Her voice was a dead monotone, that held none of the praise that should go with what she just said. If i didn't know better, i would say she sounded... disappointed with Bella's progress. I but back a growl. I hate that woman. I still remember how she pushed Bella over the edge last time i was here. Yes, we were all eager to see Bella, but not so much as to cause her pain.

"I am better, and i feel better too" I heard a little gasp in shock, too high pitched to be Bella's. I heard frantic scribbling, and i killed me that all i could do was _hear. _I wanted to see.

"That is another thing. You two are very close, are you not?" I guess Bella and Ryan had looked at each other or something, stupid cow. I wondered what she was getting at.

"She wouldn't try to split them up would she?" I whispered, knowing the others could hear me. I was met with worried glances, so yes, she would.

I heard Bella gulp nervously before speaking. It seems she knows where the doctor is going with this as well.

"Yes. Ryan had helped me through many things, and as a result we have become close" I reminded myself to applaud how she phrased that. That could have easily turned nasty. They were closer than she was letting on, like a brother and sister, and i have only seen them a few times together.

"I think perhaps too close" Yep, she was going there. That doctor needed someone to show her.....

"Rose" Emmett warned me, pulling on my hand. I sat back down, not realising i had even stood up.

"However, i think removing you now would only slow down Bella's progress so you can stay with her for now. We shall be speaking about this later Ryan" I heard breathing begin again within the room, since both Ryan and Bella had stopped.

"So, how are you feeling today Bella?" This woman couldn't act to save her life. If that was her paternal voice, i hate to hear her cheerful one. I'm sure even Bella could see through that one.

"I'm okay" I couldn't miss the cheerfulness in her voice. We made her feel like that!!

"You look like you have been crying, is everything alright?" The Doctor said in that condescending voice that made me want to slap her. Hard. I heard Bella take a deep breath, and we didn't need Jasper here to tell us that she hadn't missed the tone of her voice either.

"I just met someone i classed as a sister and mended a bridge i never knew i could. I am happy" My dead, cold heart warmed at her statement, but i ignored the venom in her voice, knowing it wasn't directed at me. Stupid doctor.

"That's nice" The Doctor mumbled, not caring at all.

I heard a small growl, and was shocked when i saw Carlisle's frowning face.

"Well, i think overall, you are doing much better. However, i am still concerned about how much your progress depends on your visitors" The silence in the room was pure agony. How could she bring this up once again? She saw how Bella reacted last time!

I heard three growls match my own, but we stopped quickly. Four growling adults wasn't a very common thing to see or hear.

I just hoped, beyond hope, that Bella had listened to everything Carlisle and Esme, and even Em had said to her.

"The _Cullen's_" I smirked when i heard her voice. This Bella, the confident Bella was good. She wouldn't let anyone get her down. I hope.

"Yes, they are helping me get better. What is your point?" Bella lost her cool nonchalant voice and i could basically hear the doctor cheering for winding her up.

"That you will get even worse when they leave you" I gaped at the door she had gone through. I wanted to go through that door and...

No. I will not kill the human, not while Bella was in the room anyway.

We all held our breath, waiting for what Bella will say. I had faith in our girl, she wouldn't let her get to her.

"They won't leave" She sounded so confident, so... un-like Bella.

"They will. They cannot stay here forever and who knows how long you will be in here" I smirked as the Doctor got impatient that she wasn't winning anymore. Stupid woman, thinking she knew everything and enjoying hurting an eighteen year old girl.

"They are only young, and i am not that sick that i will be in here for years. They promised they will be here, and i believe them" Bella had definitely lost her cool act. I could basically feel the hate rolling off her from here.

"Do you think Bella could take her?" Em whispered, smiling a little.

"Em! She wouldn't-"

"Yeah" Em shook his head, his gaze returning to the door. Would she?

I looked to Carlisle and Esme who looked appreciatively about this. But... this is Bella! She couldn't even stand in front of a crowd, never mind take down a mid twenties woman!

"Okay. And what about when you leave and they can't visit here anymore?" My smile fell, because she had a point.

"I'll visit them" She didn't even hesitate in her answer, and i smiled again. She had faith in us.

"Right well" The doctor cleared her throat uncomfortably, and a rustle of papers could be heard.

"Have you had any other problems? You haven't had an episode in a while" The woman said, and frowned at Carlisle. He shrugged in response, a deep frown marring his face.

"Yeah, i know" Bella mumbled, seeeming deep in thought.

"Well, just be careful. I'll tell the doctors to keep a look out" The Doctor said, dismissing her. How can she dismiss her now? Bella will probably be thinking and worrying about this for ages. I hate that woman.

Bella came out, being pushed along by Ryan. I panicked for a second, but her eyes and face told me she was just thinking. She wasn't pulling away from us.

Her eyes swept over us, but it was like we weren't even there. She sat down on the sofa, next to Esme, a frown on her face.

Ryan saw all of us, looking worriedly at her and rolled his eyes.

"She'll be okay, she's just thinking about things" He smiled, patting Carlisle's shoulder as he walked past.

"Thank you" He whispered to Ryan, his eyes never left the girl in front of us. Her frown got deeper and deeper, and i momentarily feared that she would hurt herself.

"Bella? You okay honey?" I heard Esme ask, beating me to it. Bella turned her head, humming in acknowledgment. She looked at esme and her eyes finally focused.

"Oh, sorry. I zone out sometimes" She shrugged and smiled. I missed that blush, but i guess it would have to wait.

"It's okay" Esme told her, lifting her arm so Bella could snuggle into her side. She sighed, smiling, when she laid her head on Esme's shoulder. They were so close, just like mother and daughter.

"I wish i never had to move" She mumbled, her eyes closed. We all smirked a little, Esme hugely. It was only Em that commented.

"Sorry, but we all have to move at some point kiddo" He chuckled at her as she opened her eyes, frowning at him.

"I really have to realise the difference between thinking and saying" Esme squeezed her gently, letting her know it was okay, and... that she felt the same. I know Esme would just like to stay here forever.

"Bella....." He was frowning at Bella, but worry and curiosity were there as well.

I heard Bella sigh "You heard what was said and you want to know what an "episode" constitutes" She said, smiling at Carlisle's shocked face. We thought that she would be a little bit.... reluctant to talk about it. Maybe not.

"I've been waiting for it" She added, and i smiled. She knew us as good as we knew her.

"So......" He prodded.

"You've read my hospital notes?" We all nodded, shocking her a little. Maybe she thought only Carlisle had, anyway, she didn't let that bother her.

"Well, one time when i was... attacked" I frowned when she hesitated, but we let her get on with it. Remembering what Em said earlier about her never opening up to people.

"I have a huge scar on my back from my shoulder to my waist, and sometimes, i get this pain through it that literally floors me" She grimaced as if remembering it. I glanced at Carlisle with worry and concern.

"The doctors don't know why i get the pain since it's a scar, but i have to be careful because anything can set it off" It was safe to say that we were shocked. I thought that it was just... mental injury, not physical as well.

Esme gulped "It's really that bad?" Fear for her daughter clear in her voice.

"Yeah. The doctors think i make it up for attention or it's just in my mind. It sure doesn't feel like it though" She frowned as Em growled. I don't think she heard it though. I subtly elbowed him in the ribs.

"So, you heard all of that then?" She asked, setting into Esme's shoulder once again.

"Yeah" Emmett said, rather nastily "I would like to know how that woman got a job here. I would love to go in there and rip her-"

"Em, calm down" I tried to soothe him, gripping his hand in case he actually tried. I wouldn't put it past him, he would do anything to protect his little sister, We all would. He stared at me incredulously.

"I aren't the doctors biggest fan either Em, but it won't do any good to think about what you want to do to her. It really wouldn't fix anything would it?" I said gently calming him down.

"I guess not" He conceded "I just hate the way she speaks to Bells. She's just so......" He trailed off, searching for a word.

"Condescending and patronising to the extent that you want nothing more than to hit her" She said, we all stared at her, shocked. Since when did Bella think like that? Well, i thought, Bella is a lot different now. She shrugged off our shock, Em recovering first.

"Yes, exactly" Em nodded.

Esme's phone rang, cutting off Emmett. Bella moved away from Esme so she could answer her phone. She twiddled with her thumbs, looking at her lap. I was sat with Emmett, Carlisle with Esme, but Bella was sat on her own. Me and Em glanced at each other and scooted to the side, making room between us for her. She plopped down between us, making the sofa bounce. She snuggled as far into the sofa as she could, smiling happily.

Once again, she seemed lost in thought.

"You are on your way?!" Esme said, whisper shouting, glancing at Bella to see if she heard. Nope.

_"Well... yeah" _

Esme sighed "Okay, how long?"

_"About twelve minutes" _And i heard him rev the engine, pushing his car faster.

After saying goodbye, her and Carlisle shared a worried glance before looking to Bella. She was out of it once again, but a smile on her face this time.

When Esme shut her phone, Bella looked to her. Esme put a gentle, reassuring smile on her face. Bella looked around at all of us, looking slightly unnerved.

"What?" She said, her eyes going around all of us again.

"Well....." Carlisle looked suddenly nervous, and unsure of himself.

"That was Jasper. He wants to.... visit you. If that would be okay with you?" Carlisle asked simply, his eyes never leaving Bella. Seeing if she would be scared... or not.

She seemed to think about it for a minute, something she does a lot. After a few seconds, she smiled, a huge, Cheshire cat smile.

"Yes" She sighed, her eyes wide and far away again.

"He'll be here in ten minutes. He was already in the car when he phoned" Esme frowned as she said it, obviously disapproving of his irrational behaviour. Bella smirked.

You could see it in her face. She was figuring out how long that was. After a while, she bounced. Not once or twice, continuously bouncing. Just like Alice. Me and Em bounced as well, and we couldn't help but laugh at the image. Em, rolling his eyes, scooped her up and sat her in his lap. She never stopped bouncing.

I guess we underestimated her. She was so... excited about this. I always thought she didn't like Jasper. Not that she didn't like him, but she never got the chance to get to know him. I was wrong, it seems.

But while she was bouncing, she was concentrating. Em shook his head at her, understanding apparently.

"You're counting down aren't you?" Em smirked at her, trust him to know that. I married a child! Bella pouted, huffing and crossing her arms. We all chuckled a little at her angry expression.

"Not anymore! You made me lose count!" She said, sounding just like a child, making us all chuckle even harder.

"Four hundred and eighty" He whispered in her ear. She merely nodded, carrying on counting. You could tell that her excitement was mounting, but something was as well.

The time passed in a series of bounces and numbers she mumbled sometimes.

"He's just getting out of his car Bella" Esme said, breaking the silence. She squealed loudly, jumping off Emmett's lap. She froze for a second though, frowning. Em rolled his eyes as she turned back to him.

"You look fine Bella, stop worrying" He rolled his eyes, pushing her towards the door.

She was.... nervous? The looked at the door with a worried expression, like she wanted nothing more than to run away.

"Bella, don't do this okay? You thought the same with us, and we are here because we want to be aren't we?" Emmett said, knowing what she is thinking. She nodded, gulping, her eyes not leaving the door.

"Well then...... go on" He pushed her once again towards the door. She walked as slowly as possible towards the door, wringing her hands nervously. I could hear her thudding heart from here.

Before she reached the door, it buzzed and opened, revealing Jasper. His back was to Bella and the rest of the room, but Bella froze anyway. He turned to face her, and froze like her.

I looked nervously over to Esme and Carlisle. They looked so proud, and i am sure i saw tears in Esme's eyes. I did get a little concerned when she hadn't taken a breath in a while.

Neither of them spoke, just looking into each others eyes. Jasper was as shocked as Bella, i could tell.

"Are...are you okay?" She gulped, missing Jasper's frown as she looked at the floor

"Thirsty?" Her voice went higher, and Jasper's frown deepened before he dropped his eyes to the floor. He had waited so long for this.

"No, i aren't thirsty. I would never hurt you Bella" He whispered, looking up at me through his lashes. I heard her sigh with frustration. Bella had quite the temper now. His eyes went to the floor again, and none of us were prepared for what she did.

She ran to him and hugged him fiercely. He was shocked, very shocked, but hugged her back fiercely too. They clutched at each other like they would float away if they ever let go. It was almost too loving to watch. He buried his head in her hair, she buried her face in his shoulder. I looked back and smiled brightly at everyone. Our family was coming together.

"Good, 'cos this would be kind of hard is you were" She sniffed, and he chuckled as she did.

"Yeah, a little" he admitted, but he didn't make any indication of wanting to move.

They just stood like that for a while, hugging each other, not moving away.

"God, i missed you Bella" He whispered into her hair, his voice so sincere, my eyes nearly welled up.

"I missed you too Jasper" Her voice was hoarse from all the crying and such.

He chuckled humorlessly "Yeah, sure" He said sarcastically.

She pulled away and looked at him, obvious confusion written on her face. He sighed, frowning as he wiped her tears away gently as he spoke.

"I hurt you Bella. I caused all of this mess, and even before this, i never spoke to you, so how could you miss me?" His voice was constricted with pain and sorrow that i almost hugged him myself.

Bella stood in silence, once again lost in thought. Jasper frowned when she did, but his soon turned to shock and regret. Bella stepped out of his arms, crying again.

I was confused. What just happened?

His eyes got slowly wider and wider, and he shook his head at her, his eyes pleading.

"No! Bella, that's not what i meant!" He begged

"You don't even know what i am thinking about, so stop lying!" She said slowly, more tears falling.

I looked to the others to see that they all had similar faces of confusion on their faces.

She made to turn away from him "Bella, wait!-"

We couldn't do anything, only watch as turned to face us, but..... didn't make it.

Her face contorted in pain and she went limp. Before she could fall, Jasper caught her, his face also pained from feeling hers. We all sat there, shocked. Carlisle unfroze, and rushed over, barely maintaining a human speed as Jasper laid her on the floor.

We all followed, kneeling beside her. Her heart was going like a rota blade, her body temperature soaring through the roof. Her entire body was shaking, trembling, convulsing. She had managed to get into a fetal position, but she was whimpering. I was terrified.

The room was filled with carers getting their pateints out of the way, but we ignored them. Her eyes were closed, and she wasn't responding to anything, touch, sound, nothing.

"Bella? Can you hear me? Bella!" Carlisle tried to coax her to open her eyes, trying to be strong, but his voice trembled.

She didn't move at all. I looked at Emmett, seeing my panic and fear mirrored in his eyes.

"Emmett, get Ryan! Quick!" Esme said, frantically, nearly yelling at him. Emmett ran, blurring slightly, trying to find him.

Then she screamed, an agonizing scream. I felt my eyes water with frustration. We needed to help her, but we couldn't! She screamed and screamed and screamed. I don't think any of us will ever forget that scream, it will haunt us till our last second.

"No!" Jasper whispered suddenly, grabbing her balled up hand, knuckles white with strain, and holding on tightly.

"Come on Bella! Stay with me, please!" I could hear his voice breaking as he struggled with Bella's, ours and his own emotions.

"Jasper?" She looked at Jasper questioningly, but he never looked away from Bella.

"She was fading Esme. Her emotions were fading, and she was numbing. I had to do something" He said desperately, almost panicking.

"Did it work?" Esme asked in a small voice.

"I think so. Her emotions are stronger, but i don't know how long for" He was definitely panicking, his breathing was erratic, his hand squeezing tighter.

I heard Emmett and Ryan approaching. "She just collapsed" Em was explaining, running with Ryan.

My attention was brought back to Bella as another, louder, painful scream ripped through her clenched teeth.

Ryan paused as he came into view, holding a white bag in his hand.

"Bella! Jesus, this is bad!" He exclaimed, running again and sliding across the floor to Bella. We all moved away apart from Jasper and Carlisle.

"What do you mean?" Jasper asked frantically, letting his panic show.

Ryan unzipped the bag, getting out little glass bottles of liquids, antibiotics. He set them on the floor as he spoke.

"She's had these episodes before, since before she has been in here, but never this bad. It must be because she hasn't had one in months" He said, frowning as he worked, pulling out a syringe. I cringed away from it. I hated to see Bella like this, but to see her sedated like an animal was even worse.

"Right, here we go-" His voice was drowned out by another ear splitting scream from Bella. Her trembling get even worse and she curled in on herself. Ryan wasted no time in putting the needle in her arm and injecting the disgusting stuff into her veins.

"There you go. That should help" Ryan said, sighing and packing his things away in his bag.

"That's it?! That's all you can do!" I nearly yelled at him. Em put a hand on my shoulder to calm me down. I didn't bother apologizing, my eyes fell back to the girl on the floor.

Ryan stood up "I'm afraid so". He said, seemingly sad.

"Can one of you......." He trailed off, but Jasper had already scooped her up, clutching her hand still.

Her heart was slowing down to normal, she wasn't screaming, but she was still shaking slightly.

"Jazz?" I said quietly, Ryan was ahead, opening her door.

"The pain is fading. She was holding on, but when she did, the pain came back stronger. She's let go" He said using vampire speed. We all heard him perfectly.

Jasper laid her down on her bed, her tiny body seeming even smaller in the crib she had. Her room was tiny in itself, nothing actually named it as "Bella's room".

"All we can do now is wait for her to wake up" Ryan said from the door, answering our silent question. We all nodded, but didn't move to go anywhere.

"You're all staying aren't you?" He sighed. We all nodded silently.

The door clicked shut when he left us to it. We were all conscious of the camera in the corner of the room, zooming around like crazy.

"What hapened Jazz? At the door?" Em asked, glancing at Jasper.

Carlisle picked up the chair and stood it next to Bella's bed. He sat down, taking her hand, but listening all the same. The rest of us stood around, leaning on walls or sat on the floor.

"When i said about how... how she never spoke to me, so how can she have missed me... I think she flipped it around" He said quietly, his face full of his own pain and regret this time. I, however, didn't understand.

"You mean.... when you said that, she couldn't have missed you because of the lack of contact.... she twisted it around so.... so how can you have missed her if you had no contact?" Esme clarified for me.

"Yeah" He sighed, sliding down the wall he was leaning on and running a hand through his hair.

"What is it with Bella and Edward? They always take things the wrong way!" He nearly yelled, though none of us had the heart to tell him to shut up. We could hardly blame Bella for over reacting, for looking at what was said too deeply. We should know by now, and learn from it. I mean, we are vampires for gods sake! If we can't keep one human girl happy, then we are a sorry excuse for immortals.

We sat in silence, just listening to Bella's breaths. Edward was right.... it was oddly calming to watch Bella sleep. Creepy, yes..... but very calming.

A buzz from the door made us all jump, but none of us looked up. Ryan entered, trying to mind out of everyones way in such a crowded room. Jazz, Esme and I were on the floor, Jazz against the wall still, and me and Esme were sat beside each other, along Bella's legs, against the bed. Emmett stood, leaning on the front of a white set of draws at the bottom of her bed, while Carlisle was still clutching her hand.

"Sorry, just going to check if she is alright" He mumbled. Carlisle got out of his way and moved to stand beside Emmett, while me and Esme stood at the side, hovering.

We watched as he made sure she was okay.

"Bella?" He said softly, shaking her shoulder. She didn't reply, and i started to panic.

"Don't worry, with the amount of sedative, she should be out cold for a few more hours at least" He said, not turning to face us. We all nodded, all relaxing again. I noticed Jasper's broken hearted gaze fixed on Bella, i am sure if he could cry of regret, he would be by now.

He retrieved a little pen light from his breast pocket and lifted her eyes lids, flashing the light in them. What ever he saw was good i suppose as he hummed and nodded. He checked her pulse on her wrist, then her body temperature.

"She seems fine, but i need to take a look at the scar" He said, turning to look at us, silently asking for help.

Jasper was the first to step up, even though Em and Carlisle stepped forward as well. It annoyed me momentarily that we were never asked to help, even though we were more than capable.

I shrugged off those thoughts. I had more important worries right now than feminine discrimination.

"You sure?" Ryan asked, taking the quilt off Bella.

"Yeah, Bella's only light anyway" He said, glancing down at the petite girl. She was always thin and little, but now it was even more pronounced.

"I know..... but it's not the nicest thing in the world, and i know how close you were to her" He glanced, concerned at Jasper.

"I'll be alright" he assured him, making Ryan turn back to Bella.

"It's the least i can do" He whispered, too low for Ryan to hear. I frowned at Jasper's back. When would he ever stop trying to make it up to her, stop beating himself up about it?

_About the same time you stop trying to make it up to her and stop beating yourself up _

Right, that could take a while.

"Right......."

"Jasper" Jazz offered seriously.

"Well, we need to turn her to her side, so she is facing the wall okay? Can you hold her in that position while i check her back?" He asked, Jasper merely nodded.

"Right, one, two three" He said, and they gently rolled Bella to her side so that her back was to me and Esme. Just like they said, Jasper kept her like that. One hand on he arm, another on her leg so she doesn't roll back. I could only see part of Bella through Jasper and Ryan's legs.

"You got her?" He asked, letting go of Bella hesitantly, letting Jazz take her weight.

I watched as Ryan lifted her shirt up, but she was laid on it. Without saying anything, Jazz scooped her up, only raising her slightly off the bed, but Ryan got the idea. He pulled up her shirt so it was free, and Jazz laid her back down.

"Thanks" Ryan said, smiling at Jazz. I couldn't see Jasper's face, but he wasn't moving or breathing. Not a good sign.

"Is... is that..... where....." He gulped, horrified. I had never heard Jazz like this, he was always calm and assertive, but not now. I had to say, curiosity got the better of me, and Esme it seemed as we moved forward to see.

The scene before me was nearly enough to make me gag.

It wasn't just one line, it was three, all two or three centimeters wide. They were pink and shiny, slightly dented into the skin, healed, scars, but they...... I shuddered. They only got her shirt up so far, and the other end of the lines reached below her trouser line, so we couldn't see where either of them ended.

"Oh my......" Esme couldn't even finish, but her eyes were glued to the marks on Bella's back.

Ryan reached out to touch them with his hand "Stop!" I yelled, making him freeze. Even here, now, they looked painful.

"Will it... will it hurt her?" I whispered, tears forming in my eyes. God knows this girl has been through enough with out more pain added.

"No, it won't hurt her at all. I have done this when she has been conscious, and she was okay" He soothed me, and i nodded, feeling guilty for interrupting him. I cringed as he pressed a finger to each line, humming.

"What is it?" Carlisle asked. He and Em had seen the scars, but they had been too shocked or disgusted to do or say anything until now.

"Come here" He said to Carlisle, moving out of the way, so Carlisle could take his place. His eyes widened when he touched the lines.

"They... they're hot" He said, shocked.

"I know. This happens every time, but i don't know why. No-one does!" He sighed, looking sadly at Bella.

"You can let her down now Jasper" Ryan said, letting Jasper tug her shirt back down and lay her on her back again, covering her with the quilt. We all stood there, watching her for a moment, seeing the broken girl before us.

"Look, she'll be out for a few more hours, why don't you go to the cafeteria for a bit. Stretch your legs, got out of this cramped room" He suggested. None of us wanted to go, that was obvious by everyones faces, but we did anyway.

We needed to talk about this. We had to find out what was wrong with Bella, because that was no ordinary scar. It was different, and had to figure this out.

For Bella.

**I know this took ages to get out, but it is the longest chapter i have ever done, and i got serious writers block!  
So, here is Rose's POV.  
How you like??**


	15. Moving On

**Disclaimer- I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT**

**PREVIOUSLY.............**

**"They... they're hot" He said, shocked.**

**"I know. This happens every time, but i don't know why. No-one does!" He sighed, looking sadly at Bella.**

**"You can let her down now Jasper" Ryan said, letting Jasper tug her shirt back down and lay her on her back again, covering her with the quilt. We all stood there, watching her for a moment, seeing the broken girl before us.**

**"Look, she'll be out for a few more hours, why don't you go to the cafeteria for a bit. Stretch your legs, got out of this cramped room" He suggested. None of us wanted to go, that was obvious by everyones faces, but we did anyway.**

**We needed to talk about this. We had to find out what was wrong with Bella, because that was no ordinary scar. It was different, and had to figure this out.**

**For Bella.**

**NOW.......... **

**Bella's Perspective...**

I felt like shit.

No, i felt like shit that had been stood on, crushed and biked over about a hundred times. Not a very nice visual, i know, but it gets the point across well enough.

I knew what had happened, i always feel like this afterwards, but this was worse. I had never felt so much pain as i had done that time. Why does my body hate me?

I was awake, i just didn't have the energy to move yet. Being in agonizing pain tends to drain me of energy.

I laid there for a while, the silence telling me that i was alone. I couldn't tell you what i thought about, because i didn't think. I used the skills i had aquired before, and numbed myself. It helped pass the time, since time became blurred and irrelevant. It was like spacing out, only deeper.

Once i actually resurfaced, i realised that there was other people in the room with me. I opened my eyes slowly, squinting against the brightness of the ceiling i was looking at. Will i ever get used to that? I have been here for months, and i still haven't.

"Bella?" I heard.... Carlisle? It was hard to discern who through the constant pounding in my head.

I groaned "Ow" I closed my eyes tightly together momentarily, before opening them again to see Carlisle sat on the chair beside my bed, holding my hand. Wow, how did i miss that?

He looked at me, watching me, but didn't speak. He was confused, i could tell.

"Headache" I said quietly, his face lit up with understanding.

It then dawned on me. They had seen me when i was.... having an "episode". Jesus, how much more embarrassing can you get?

"Are you in any other pain besides the headache?" He said, breaking me out of my thought path, causing the pounding in my head to get worse a little, despite his soft voice.

I shook my head, not wanting to speak. "Just a bit achy. It always happens" I assured him, but if anything it made his frown deepen.

"You scared us Bella. We... we thought......" He trailed off, his eyes holding the pain he couldn't voice.

"I'm sorry, I-"

"Bella, why the hell are you apologizing for being in pain?" Emmett nearly yelled, though i know that is how he speaks.

I closed my eyes tightly, and groaned again. That. Hurt.

I heard a slap and Emmett whisper a "ow". I guess Rose was here.

"Sorry" He whispered once i had opened my eyes again. He appeared in my line of sight and i managed a little smile in return. Emmett would be Emmett.

I heard a buzz, even that hurt my ears. Everything hurt me! The click if the door as it opened echoed around in my head, the men with jack hammers going over time.

"Is she awake?" I heard Ryan whisper, the thunderous click of the door sounding as he stepped into the room. I felt the pressure of Carlisle's cold hand i mine disappear as he made room for Ryan.

"Headache?" He guessed, sitting in Carlisle's place. I merely nodded in response.

"Can you sit up?" He asked gently, knowing it hurt me less.

I could barely move my hand, so i guess sitting up was definitely out of the question. I shook my head, letting him slip his arm beneath my own and sit me up and turn my body so i could lean back against the wall.

Finally, i could see the entire room, and all of it's occupants. Great, they had all witnessed my weakness. For some reason that bothered me a lot more than it used to.

"Alright, you know the routine by now" He smiled at me, recalling how many times we had done the check afterwards. How many times had i done this?

He stretched each of my arms slowly in case i had damaged them or, as Ryan feared, the pain could spread to my arms since the scar was on my shoulder, and leave my arms paralyzed. That thought scared me as well. I was damaged enough already without having to loose the use of my arms too.

I winced as he stretched it out fully, but Ryan knew the aching by now. It was normal. It was the same on both of my arms, my legs as well. I didn't look at the Cullen's during the entire time, though i know that their eyes were on me and Ryan all the time. I was so ashamed, so embarrassed by what had happened. I was so weak to them.

I'm sure Jasper could sense how i felt but he didn't try to interfere with my enotions, of which i was grateful. Speaking of Jasper.....

I was totally out of line with him. I totally over reacted, i know it. He didn't mean it like how i took it, he probably expected me to hate him because he attacked me. For vampires. they aren't that clever. No matter how many times i tell any of them that i forgive them, they still don't believe me and try to make it up to me. If i was different, i would probably yell at them and get angry over it, but i didn't.

Though if it carries on, there was no doubt that i would eventually loose my temper and yell at them. Maybe that would be what it takes them to stop.

I saw a hand flashing in front of my eyes and came back to reality. Ryan rolled his eyes at me, knowing how much i zone out. He held out his other hand to me, two pills in his palm. He put them in my mouth and gave me a drink of water to wash them down with.

He smiled as he stood up and left. Left me alone with the Cullen's. Great.

I kept my eyes on the quilt, twiddling my thumbs in the awkward silence that roared through the room.

"Why are you ashamed?" My head snapped up to Jasper. He was sat on the floor, before when i had spotted him, his head was in his hands, his hair falling in front of him, shielding him from my eyes.

Now, his golden eyes pierced through my own, seeing through me.

"I....." I said, unable to quite tell them why. How do you say it? You are all super fast, super strong vampires, and here you are with a little, weak human girl. I still didn't understand why they were here. They should be out there, racing around in expensive cars, buying islands and countries so they can live their existence in luxury.

I let my eyes drop to the quilt again. I usually avoided this train of thought. It never ended well.

I felt someone sit next to me, their back against the wall too. I didn't need to look to see it was Esme. She put her arm around me, shuffling closer, pulling me so i was basically laying my head on her.

"You have nothing to be ashamed of Bella" She said gently, stroking my hair. How wrong she was.

I have everything to be ashamed of. I just am not enough. I couldn't protect my family or friends when they needed me. I couldn't stop or help when they were killed before my very eyes. I couldn't hold myself together. I wasn't strong enough to handle it. I wasn't enough for the Cullen's, but, maybe i am now. But never Edward. I wasn't enough for Edward. I'll never be enough for Edward, i have always known that, and it seems he realised that too.

And because i wasn't enough, i am in here. I wasn't strong enough to handle loosing my friends and family. I couldn't handle loosing Edward. So here i am, being confined in a few hundred feet of a building and having to be cared for by other people. I was weak. Compared to normal humans, it was obvious, but compared to the Cullen's it was painful.

I wasn't enough.

I felt someone take my hands in theirs, and i blinked, finally seeing what was in front of me through the blurry film of tears.

"Bella, stop it" Jasper ordered me sternly, looking me directly in the eye. I blinked, letting the tears roll down my face. He was knelt on the floor in front of my legs, his face level with mine.

"Bella, stop belittling yourself. You are not weak, you are not worthless. You are probably the strongest person i know" He said strongly. I was glad of the pills Ryan had given me, otherwise his voice would have surely been hammering away at my head.

I shook my head, causing more tears to flow down my face. If he only knew.

"Why?" He asked, his eyes soft. I have never seen this side of Jasper, of course the only time i saw Jasper he was all tense. Not that i could blame him, he was trying not to kill me after all.

"Doesn't matter" I mumbled, looking down, breaking eye contact.

"Yes" He said, putting a finger beneath my chin and forcing me to look at him "It does"

"What is it?" What, did he want me to actually tell them how crappy i am compared to them? I might not have seen them in a while, but i knew enough about them to know that they won't let this go. If i have learned anything, it's that Vampire's are extremely stubborn.

I sighed in defeat, keeping eye contact with him, though i wanted nothing more than to tell them and then run and hide somewhere. His hand wouldn't let me.

"I'm not enough" I whispered, knowing they could all hear me.

"For what?" He asked, his voice gentle, his face showing confusion, but also understanding.

"Everything" I whispered, and he frowned with confusion. He sighed, obviously not satisfied with my answer.

"Bella......"

"I couldn't protect my friends or family when they needed it. I couldn't help them. I couldn't even hold myself together afterwards. I just wasn't enough. I wasn't strong or fast enough. Not for you, at least then. I wasn't enough for Edward" I said, and i succeeded in lowering my head, hiding from everyone in the room that i could tell was looking at me.

"Bella, Ed-" Carlisle began but i interrupted.

"It's okay Carlisle. It wasn't exactly a shock when i thought about it. I always knew i wasn't good enough for Edward, and it was only a matter of time before he realised that as well" My voice trembled as i finished, showing my emotions clearly.

The silence in the room told me everything.

"How.... how can you think that?" Jasper said, confusion and frustration plain in his tone. I still didn't look up.

I laughed humorlessly. "He is a... he's different. He's strong, fast, smart, as well as everything else that goes with it. What am i compared to that? A little breakable, weak, slow girl. It's a miracle he stayed with me as long as he did" I said, remembering the camera in the room. I said the last part quietly, mainly to myself though i know everyone in the room could hear me.

"Jesus Christ, Edward has a lot of explaining to do" I heard Rose whisper angrily to someone.

Jasper sighed, and i could tell that conversation was over for now. I looked up into Jasper's eyes. He shook his head, wiping away the tears left on my cheeks.

"I'm sorry for what i said Bella. I-" His eyes were wide with pleading, his hands squeezing mine tighter, but not hurting me.

"Jasper, it's my fault. I turned an innocent answer into an insult. You have nothing to be sorry for" He said, my eyes looking straight into his, trying to get him to listen to me.

I was surprised when he smiled, chuckling a little at me. "Are you hell bent on blaming yourself for everything today?" I smiled a little too, realising i had actually done just that.

"But, you were wrong Bella. I have some things to be sorry for. Now, i want you to listen to me, no interrupting" He said, looking like a teacher talking to a student. I opened my mouth to argue, but he shook his head. I sighed, and i heard chuckling around the room. Obviously the others were watching us.

"Good. Then, i have a few things to apologize for-"

"N-" I tried to interrupt but he wouldn't let me.

"Do i have to get Emmett to sit on you?" He warned playfully , smirking at me. I rolled my eyes, letting him continue.

"As i was saying, i have a few things to apologize for." He paused, waiting for me to interrupt, but i didn't. I would let him say what he needed to, then i would let rip.

"First, for keeping myself away from you all the time you were with us. The only time i actually got to spend with you was.... when we went to Pheonix when we were running from James. I think you'll agree that that wasn't the best way to get to know your sister" I nodded, keeping my lips sealed.

"I know the distance i deliberately put between us hurt you" He told me, once again i opened my mouth to argue but he cut me off.

"Bella, I'm an empath, i know it hurt you" I sighed, knowing he was telling the truth.

"Then, there's the whole attacking thing. I don't even think i can begin to apologize for that" He looked down, but kept holding my hands in his.

"But i can certainly try. I know that you saw me as a brother, just as i see you as a sister. It's just hard to accept that, after all i have, and haven't done, you can still say that you care about me" This was killing me. I had to speak, to console him, to hit him and tell him it was stupid, but i couldn't. Damn!

"I know how frustrated you are because you can't argue with me, but you have to understand that i am truly sorry. I would never hurt you intentionally" He said, gazing directly into my eyes again, even though i knew he was telling the truth.

I pulled a face at him and he chuckled at me "Yes, you can talk now"

"Bullshit!" I yelled, shocking me and earning some very shocked looks from all of them. I am sure none of them have heard me say that particular word before. I felt a little light, happier. I do love those blue pills Ryan gives me, it made it easier to say all this.

"First off, i knew the risks of being around all of you and i accepted that this could happen one day. I also understood that your distance to me was for my own safety and protection than personal choice. Yes, it hurt a little but i understood that it was necessary to do it. You don't have to make anything up to me, because i don't blame you for any of it" I said, surprised that i even said all that, and even more surprised that i remembered what he said.

"Oh, and by the way" I said, freeing one of my hands, i hit him on the back of the head. I know he didn't get hurt or anything, but the intent was clear. "Of course i care about you, idiot. You're my brother" I said sharply, not quite succeeding in hiding my smile.

He smiled, a true smile. In fact, i don't think i have ever seen Jasper smile like that before. Before i could even blink he was engulfing me in a hug. I laughed, hugging him back tightly, well, as tightly as i could.

"I know you all blame yourselves to some degree" I said as Jasper released me and sat back on his heels on the floor in front of me. I looked around at the people in the room, all looking anywhere but in my direction. Jasper nodded a little.

"I thought so" I shook my head sighing. "You say i blame everything on myself, and look at you lot!" I chuckled as they all gave me the same guilty look.

"I don't blame you, any of you. It doesn't matter that Em wasn't there to protect me, or Rose was a bitch to me before. So what if Carlisle had the final say on what happened? It doesn't matter that Esme wasn't there to help me afterwards! This is not your fault! And if you keep on feeling guilty i will cause you some serious damage, and i don't care how strong you all are" I jokingly threatened at them. This feeling just got stronger and stronger. It kind of reminded me of the day i had too much sugar. I was having a sugar rush?

"You truley are a piece of work Swan" Emmett laughed at me, walking towards me and hugging me as well, picking me up off the bed.

"Why thank you Emmett, i really do try to make an effort" I said happily.

He set me back on my feet, but my legs were still weak from the little "episode", and the floor and i hadn't said hello to each other in a while.

Stone arms caught me before i could make it, and set me back on my feet, keeping an arm around my waist to keep me upright. I wasn't shocked to find that it was Jasper.

"Maybe next time" I said sadly to the floor, feeling genuine sadness. Huh? Why was i sad about not meeting the floor with my face?

"Bella, who are you talking to?" Rose asked curiously.

"The floor. You know me and the floor always used to meet each other, everyday we would say hello. Now a days i haven't had the opportunity to visit. I kind of miss it" I said, babbling and feeling rather strange.

"Eeerrrr... you feeling alright Bella? You want to sit down?" Emmett asked, looking amused but worried at the same time. A rather hard feat to accomplish.

"Nope, I am fine, dandy, fan-dabby-dosey, colossal, great, wicked, awesome....." I frowned.

"I can't think of anymore" I said irritated, and immediately searched my mind to find others.

The entire room was silent before Carlisle stepped forward and looked me in the eyes.

"It's the pills. They are actually pain medication, but they do have some side effects" Carlisle, the worried face turning amused as i started to hum the Star Wars theme tune.

"Maybe we should get Ryan just in case" Esme said, still worried. Everyone else was laughing at me, though for once i didn't care. I was just up to the really high part of the song when Ryan walked in. This wasn't unusual, the drugs sometimes send me a bit waffy.

"So Bella, having fun are we?" Ryan said, chuckling as i nodded, not interrupting my humming by speaking.

"No pain?" I shook my head, still humming.

"That's good. Do you want to go and sit down out there?" He asked, pointing to the door. I nodded, and was glad Jasper sobered up enough to help me walk.

When we were sat down, i carried on humming, leaning back against the sofa.

"Is this normal?" I heard Em say between laughter.

"Yeah, last time it was Lion King. Do you know she can recite the entire thing with out the film on?" Ryan said, sounding shocked.

I gasped and Ryan smiled knowingly. "Lion King!"

I loved Lion King. It made me laugh and cry, and it was just amazing.

"You like The Lion King?" Carlisle asked cautiously.

I turned to glare at him "No! I love Lion King! It rocks my white, now dirty socks!" I nearly yelled. The others looked shocked, but Ryan just shook his head. He walked over to me, and i then realised that i had stood up. Wow, i can stand up.

He put his hands on my shoulders and pushed me down so i was sat on the sofa again.

"Sit still" He ordered as he disappeared into the kitchen. I immediately started to bounce again, i hated not being able to move, it made me want to move even more.

"Jesus Bella" I looked over to Jasper who couldn't stop smiling.

"I think she's high" Carlisle said, trying not to laugh.

"High as i pie in the sky" I sighed, leaning back against the sofa and closing my eyes. I was suddenly very tired.

"What pies are in the sky?" Emmett snorted with laughter.

"Pigeon pies" I answered simply. It's odd how you think of these things when you are high. I would have never even thought of that had i been.... lucid.

I was aware that other "patients" were around, and we were making a lot of noise but i honestly didn't care. Usually, when i was given these pain drugs, i would go into hyper depression. It was even worse than my usual one.

I sighed, smiling. I loved my family.

With that i was gone to everything. I fell into the wonderful land of nod where anything was possible. I could no longer hear the laughter and the others talking. I didn't feel the hunger grip my stomach, because i was happy here. I was happy where ever my family was.

xxxxxx

I knew it was too good to last, i knew it.

I haven't had a nightmare in weeks, and i knew it was too good to be true.

Here i was once again, in the forest, my family and friends on the ground, on their knees in front of me. They all screamed at me to help them, tears of blood running down their face. We were plunged into darkness, like someone had switched off the light.

Only, the Cullen's weren't there this time. I looked around for them, but i didn't really care where they were at the moment.

I killed them. All of them. My friends and family. I couldn't control myself. I just.... killed them with the knife in my hand. I screamed at myself to stop, but no sounds left my lips.

I saw their tortured gazes, just like that night. I heard their screams as their echoed through my ears. It was like i had gone back in time. Only this time, i had killed them. Well, i killed them in real life, but indirectly.

I seemed to come to my senses all of a sudden. I dropped the knife, letting my screams pierce the black forest around me. No-one breathed, no-one moved. Only me. Only i had survived. Again.

I fell to my knees in pain, not physical, but emotional. I couldn't do this. I couldn't watch this again. I couldn't go through this again. I couldn't survive a second go around.

With a bloody, trembling hand, i took the blood stained knife by the handle and looked down at it.

No, i couldn't do it. I dropped it back to the floor in disgust. I was not that weak.

It happened again. Like i wasn't in control anymore. I looked down at the knife, and i saw as if from a another mind.

My escape.

Without a moments hesitation, i plunged it into my chest.

I didn't feel the knife as it pieced my skin easily. I couldn't feel it as it tore through muscle and tissue and broke through bones, as it finally pierced my heart.

I knew it had, but i didn't feel it.

"Bella!" I could hear my name being shouted, but it was faint.

I could feel my breathing slowing, though i felt no pain in my chest from the knife.

But.... it was a dream wasn't it? I had already gone through that once, and survived. It can't happen again. The dead cannot live, not unless they are vampires. But i saw their bodies, none were vampires. They were gone.

It was a dream. It wasn't real.

I urged myself to wake up, to get out of this nightmare. It wasn't real!

I jolted upright, eyes wide, yet unable to take anything in that was around me. I could feel the tremors as they passed through my body. I could hear sounds, though muffled as though i was listening through cotton wool. I could feel my clothes clinging to my body, saturated in sweat. Every time i inhaled, my lungs burned, making breathing hard and painful.

I brought my knees up to my chest like i usually do after a nightmare. I ducked my head, resting my damp forehead on my knees as i rocked myself back and forth on my bed. Tears flowed constantly down my face, i didn't even try to stop them.

The screams still rang in my ears, as though they were still going. Every time i closed my eyes i could see their horrified gazes, the empty look afterwards.

"Bella? Honey?" It was Esme. Esme. My mum. She wasn't there, she didn't know what i did. She never saw what i caused, how much damage i did.

I didn't respond to her, just wanting to hide from everything and anyone.

"Bella, please look at me". Jasper. I felt close to Jasper, closer than i ever have. My brother, in everything but blood. I trust Jasper with my life. How could i refuse him?

I lifted my head to look at him. His form seemed to shake, but i know it was my trembles causing my vision to shake with me.

He was stood in front of the bed, while the others stood farther back. They all looked shocked and scared, Carlisle not as much as the others. He had already seen these nightmare's of mine.

Jasper sat down the bed in front of me, indian style like you do in primary school. He sat facing me, his face gentle and understanding. I kept on crying, though i didn't make a single noise. I rocked back and forth as my shaking form got worse. But i kept eye contact with Jasper.

I knew he wasn't using his ability to help me, and i was thankful for that. It would only make things worse in the end.

"Bella, you're alright. You're okay" He soothed, pulling my arms from their iron grip around my legs. I felt like if i didn't, then i would fall apart. Probably sensing my distressed emotions, he quickly pulled me onto his lap, my head on his chest as i cried. I gripped a handful of his shirt on my hand, holding on for dear life. He rocked me back and forth every time my trembles got worse, not saying a word.

My thoughts wouldn't stay safe. They constantly drifted towards dangerous subjects that i tend to ignore. I just kept on re-living it, over and over again. I didn't even have to close my eyes so see the blood and the bodies of my mother. My best friend, staring unseeing at the stars.

Every time i saw this, i could tremble violently, and every time Jasper would rock me and rub my back. I buried my face in his shirt, probably ruining it, but he didn't seem to mind. Still, i felt guilty.

"Bella, why are you guilty?" Jasper whispered softly.

I sniffed, unsure of my voice. I might not be very coherent at the moment. "Your shirt". God, even i could barely understand that.

"Bella, you are worrying about my shirt?" He chuckled at me, his chest rumbling a little. "Don't worry, I'm sure Alice will like the excuse to shop for me"

A huge pang of loss hit me right then, and i know that Jasper felt it. I felt him flinch beneath me. Alice. My best friend Alice.

"She misses you too Bella. She goes crazy because she can't see you very well" He said, succeeding in calming me down a little.

"She can't?" I said a little shocked.

"She can only see you sometimes, sporadic visions, but even those are blurry and she has a hard time understanding them" He explained. But...

"Why?" I asked, my voice muffled by Jasper's shirt.

"We think it's the medicine. Alice's ability takes place in the mind, with people's decisions. When you take your medicine, your mind gets clouded and decisions become blurred and confused" I felt pity for Alice, where ever she was. I remembered how frustrated she used to get when she couldn't understand a vision.

I had an idea. Maybe if i.....

"Don't even think about not taking your medicine Bella. We don't need Alice's vision's about you twenty four seven. Besides, we are here now, and we can live without knowing what is going to happen in the future" He said sternly, killing my plan before i had even made all of it.

We lapsed into silence, but it was nice. I barely registered that the others were there since i could see them. After a few minutes my trembles stopped and my breathing got back to normal. In fact, i was falling asleep. Not something i really want to do.

"Thank you" I whispered hoarsely, keeping my cheek against his shirt. He smelt nice, tobacco and spices.

"Any time" He whispered back, resting his cheek on my head.

I forced my eyes open, not wanting to succumb to the nightmare's again.

"It's okay Bella. If you start to have a nightmare, I'll wake you up. It's not like you'll never see us again Bella" He said seriously.

"What?" I slurred, sleep now affecting my sleep drastically.

"Visiting hours Bella. Depending on how long you sleep, we might not be here when you wake up. But we will be back. Okay?" He told me. I felt panic rise in my chest, but pushed in down. It was stupid. I knew they would be back, they had told me enough times.

I didn't answer him, my eyes drooped of their own accord, and i was powerless to stop it. I fought to stay awake but i couldn't win a loosing battle.

I felt scared. Scared that the nightmares would come and haunt me again, make me re-live everything once more. What if that happens? What then?

I was shocked when i felt something squeeze me gently, securely. I was still in Jasper's arms, and i couldn't help but feel safe. He would protect me, i was sure of it.

I fell into sleep willingly this time, wanting to just let go for a while.

xxxxx

I opened my eyes, shocked. I had only just closed my eyes, hadn't I?

I didn't know what time it was, whether it was afternoon or morning. But i did register one thing.

I was alone. There was no Cullen's here with me. My chest constricted, and my eyes teared up but i shook my head.

_Don't be so silly! They'll be here, they promised. Besides, they do have a life outside this place._

I sighed, flinging the quilt off me and standing up slowly. I was glad my legs had become responsive, despite what i babbled on about yesterday or this morning, i really don't want to say hello to the floor. It hurts, you know, to fall onto the floor all the time.

I walked over to the door, letting the faint glow of the light bulb lead me there. I smiled to myself as i remembered how.... loopy i went yesterday and pressed the buzzer to let Ryan open the door for me.

He did, revealing a very brightly lit room, making me squint a little.

"You alright there Bella? Want any mashed potato?" He smirked as i frowned. What the hell?

He chuckled, shaking his head "Never mind, guess you want a shower?" He said knowingly.

"Yeah, what time is it by the way?" I asked a si stepped out of my room, glancing at the closed blinds as a habit. I tried to work it out on my own.

Jasper came in the afternoon. I was out for a few hours because of the pain, so that would make it about six or seven in the evening. I stayed awake for about an hour, then i fell asleep again. Wow, I slept a lot that day didn't I?

"It's about six in the morning, early for you" He messed my hair up playfully.

"Yeah, i slept a lot yesterday didn't i?" I said to myself mostly, voicing my thoughts.

"Yeah, but you needed it. Go on, shower away. I'll get you some breakfast" He said, pushing me slightly towards the door. There was a few carers about with their "patients", but most were still in bed.

Overall, there was about thirty "patients" on this level. This house, building, what ever, was four stories high. It goes in order of bad you are. I am on ground floor, so i have a better chance of getting out of here that those on the others. We were kept separate for out own safety, but only a handful actually make it to the forth floor, and they are way crazier than me.

That man, phillip, the one who screamed at me, he got transferred up to level two. When i first got here, i was actually on the third level. They said i was a danger to myself, and was so bad that i had people do _everything _for me. Of course, i didn't really register anything because i was "numb", so i wasn't that bothered.

I got a shower slowly, letting the warm water soothe me, wash away my worried thoughts.

It worked to some extent, the water washing away the remnants of my nightmare on my skin. Only, my thoughts were free to wander, and if anything, my worries increased.

By the time i got out, my body was wrinkled like a prune, but relaxed. My mind, however, was running a mile a minute.

After grabbing a set of clothes from the draws in here, and putting them on, i walked out and hurriedly sat down at the table, waiting for my breakfast. I couldn't help my eyes darting around the room, searching for them, knowing that it was way too early for them to be here. My right leg bounced as a habit as i bit my lip, becoming anxious now.

"Here you go Bella" Ryan said cheerfully from behind me, setting a dish of weetabix in front of me. I took a hand from my lap, holding the spoon.

"Bella, you okay?" Ryan said, sat next to me, looking at my shaking hand.

I nodded, trying to keep the tears back. Why am i crying? Why?

I trust them. They will be here, they promised they would be and they will be.

"Listen Bella, while you were in the shower the Cullen's called" I turned to look at him, my tears barely held back.

"They can't make it Bella, they say that they won't be able to visit for a while" He told me, his worried gaze never left my face.

I looked down at my weetabix, my hunger now forgotten. The tears fell silently down my face, but i let my hair move to shield me from Ryan's gaze.

"Bella, they are still going to come, but not for a while, okay?" He said in an attempt to soothe me.

I scared them off. I knew it. They knew i was a bit messed up here and there, and now they saw the extent of the damage to me, they ran. I don't blame them really, i was pretty messed up.

No. I would not loose it. They promised they would be back, and they will be. I trust them.

But should I?

I shook my head. It didn't make a difference either way. I would not fall apart, i would stay strong. I have to learn not to be too dependant on certain people. I took a deep breath, raising my head and wiping away my tears firmly.

I would stay strong.

"I'm fine Ryan" I said, smiling at my new found strength and confidence. He smiled at me too, relieved i wasn't going to go all depressed on him again.

I spent my day talking to Ryan, watching Lion King, and thinking about the Cullen's. I forced conversations, trying to keep my mind off them, and I ate all meals when gave me, i took my medicine and tried to stay cheerful all day. I did feel lonely sometimes, but i shoved that aside. I had to get used to being on my own.

Four days later, and no sign of the Cullen's. I did notice that Ryan didn't give any specific time that they would be here, and for that i was thankful. If he said a week, or five days, i would have surely be counting down the days until then. However, this way, i was constantly on edge, looking for them in a morning. I didn't have to force conversation, it flowed normally. All smiles were genuine, as were laughs. I knew Ryan was happy at how happy i was on my own. Everyday, it got less and less disappointing when i wouldn't see them, until one day, i didn't even look.

I went the entire morning without even thinking of them. I was proud of what i had achieved, though i probably didn't really mean much. I didn't get ahead of myself though, I know that this was a baby step, but it was still something.

After a week, and there was still no sign of them. I had to admit, i was getting worried. My confidence slipped a little and the worries and insecurities flooded into my mind.

What if i never saw them ever again? Am i that messed up that they just ditched me like that?

I rolled over in my bed, angrily wiping away the traitorous tears that broke through.

No, Esme wouldn't do that to me. None of them would. Emmett, Rose, Jasper, Esme and Carlisle wouldn't just up and leave without a last word. They would at least have the decency to say goodbye, or give a reason. Unlike-

I stopped that thought. I was angry at Edward for what he did. Okay, i was furious, but i still loved him. Strange, yes i know.

But the others were better than Edward, they would say goodbye. So, if they haven't said goodbye, then they must be coming back. Yes, they were coming back.

I woke up the next day, refreshed and and a huge smile on my face. My life was looking up.

I did the usual. Got a shower and a wash, had breakfast, joked around with Ryan for a while and sat down to watch some old movie. Only this time we got interrupted.

"Ryan, Bella" Both of us turned, knowing that voice without turning.

Doctor Laura.

The entire room stood and stared at her. I had never seen her out of her office, well, in here anyway. But there she stood, leaning on one leg, her arms crossed over her chest. She was tapping her foot impatiently, drumming her fake nails on her arm. Her glasses were perched high on her nose as she rose her eyebrows at us expectantly.

Me and Ryan turned to each other, faces full of confusion and apprehension. We stood, walking slowly over to her. Every footstep echoed loudly off the tiled floor, the only sound in the room. I felt as though a spotlight was on us, as all eyes watched us walk inside the office, the Doctor moving aside to let us in.

I felt a surge of foreboding as we entered. It may have been the ominous silence, or the stares, or the grin the Doctor gave me. It wouldn't be strange, but i have seen that smile so many times before. When i first got here and she "welcomed" me, when she said that i would be moved to level three, when the Cullen's were here, when she told me that they would leave.

It was that sick twisted smile that made my breakfast want to make a sudden reappearance but i forced down the wave of nausea. Me and Ryan shared another look as the Doctor shut the door behind us, the click reverberating around the room. It felt like i was suddenly in a horror movie, now the door was locked there was no way out.

"Please sit" She said, walking around and sitting down herself. Her sickly sweet voice nearly made me heave up right there and then. This could not be good.

I did as she said, sitting down. Ryan stood beside the door as usual, but i could tell he knew something was off too. He was tense, his gaze flitting between the doctor and me.

"Right then, first off" He said, sliding her glasses down her nose. Her gaze rested on Ryan.

"After our meeting last week i have had to re-evaluate your position here" She said, looking down at some papers on her desk. What does she meed "re-evaluate your position"? He was being moved? What?!

"I'm sorry Ryan, but i am afraid that this job requires skills that i now see you do not possess. You can finish the rest of the day, but after that....." She didn't end. But......

"No! Ryan didn't do anything wrong! He was just taking care of me! You can't sack him for that! It's not fair! No!" I yelled at her, standing up in my chair, my hands balled into fists at my side.

Ryan was my rock though all of this. He was the only reason i kept going and now he was getting fired? No way!

"Bella, Bella calm down" Ryan said, putting his hand on my shoulder and sitting me back down. He knelt down in front of me, taking my hands in his, just like Jasper did, only his face was below mine.

"Bella, i want you to listen to me" He said, seeing the tears in my eyes. I bit my lip, holding them back.

"I was going to quit anyway. As soon as you got better and was out of here, so was I. You were the only thing keeping me here" He said gently, succeeding in breaking the dam, and the tears rolling down my face.

"I can't do this without you" I said, my voice choked from the sobs i was repressing.

"You won't have to" The doctor said, not moved or shocked at our act of affection. Bitch.

"What?" Ryan asked, turning to face her. I was busy willing her to turn to dust where she was.

"Well, i have been watching Bella this past week or so, and she has proved herself independent. I believe that, if she carries on taking her medication, then she will be able to leave" She said, no happiness in her voice, it was like she was saying what nice weather it was.

"But....." Was i ready to be released yet? I honestly didn't know.

"What!" Ryan yelled rounding on the Doctor, standing up. I had to say, with his height and muscles, he looked pretty intimidating. The Doctor just looked at him normally.

"You doubt that she is ready?" She said, glancing at me. I knew what she was doing, trying to make me insecure, but it wouldn't work. Ryan knew it as well.

"No. I do not doubt Bella. I think her mind is ready and she would be fine in the real world. But what about these "episodes" she has? How can she handle those on her own?" He seethed, barely able to keep from yelling.

He did have a point. What would happen if Ryan didn't inject me with that stuff? Would the pain never end? Would it kill me?

"She is ready Ryan" She said sternly, looking at him meaningfully.

"Where will i go?" I asked quietly. The very idea of the outside world scared me. I hadn't been out this building in months, well, if you count going into the garden for the first time- once.

What would people say? They would know who i was, and what happened. Or rather, the reporters version, or theories. No-one knows what happened. Not even Ryan.

"You will be put in a children's home with other children" She said softly. Did she not grasp the fact that i was over eighteen? Dumb ass.

"She's an adult" Ryan said, i was actually a little scared. I had never seen him so mad before.

"Yes, but people like Bella cannot be trusted on their own, at least not yet. No, she will be placed in a children's home, and the people there will look after her. If a family comes along, then so be it, if not, then the people at the home will decide when Bella is fit enough to go it on her own" She said, keeping eye contact with me.

Great, so my freedom rests in the hands of some strangers. I don't like this. There was too many things that could go wrong with this entire situation.

I gulped. Other kids. I would have to deal with other people. Not my greatest gift ever. People can be horrible, i know from experience. Even your best friend can turn against you.

"Okay" I said looking at my lap. It didn't matter how old i was, i wasn't "capable" of making my own decisions so i wouldn't even get a say in what happened to me. The only reason i do now is Ryan.

"The arrangements have already been made. Ryan, have Bella ready by four o'clock please. You are dismissed" She said, making a meal out of picking up a piece of paper and not waiting for either of us to answer.

We walked out, both in a daze a little. I went and sat on the sofa's, just staring wide eyed at nothing in particular.

"Bella, you okay?" Ryan asked, his voice sounding gruff, not his usual smooth one.

"Yeah......" I couldn't lie to Ryan "No" I sighed, tears of fear springing in my eyes.

"Ryan, in a children's home people come and see if they want you or not. But.... who would want me? I'm too old, people want little kids, not adults. Besides, with my background, no-one would even come near me. I'm going to be stuck in some crappy home, watching everyone else get fostered while i just stand there and watch" I gushed out, tears streaming down my face.

Ryan grabbed me gently, sitting me on his lap as i cried into his shirt. This couldn't be happening, it just couldn't.

I didn't even get to say goodbye. The Cullen's won't know where I've gone, and Alice still can't see me very well. I'll be alone.

"It'll be alright Bella. You're a fighter, always have been always will be. Don't let anything get you down, you hear me?" He said strongly. I nodded into his chest.

"It will all work out Bella. I promise" He said softer, rocking me back and forth.

The time passed quickly. We didn't talk, just sat there, clutching each other madly. I knew the others were looking at us strangely, this type of contact between carer and "patient" was strictly forbidden, but who cares? This is it.

"Come on, we only have half an hour left" Ryan said quietly, standing me up and leading me to my room. He pulled disappeared for a minute out the door and came back with a small suitcase. I sat on the bed, unable to stop the tears.

I watched as he put all the clothes in the dresser in the bags. Even though they were the thin white cotton clothes, it was all i had, it was all i could pack. He left again for a minute before coming back in with several containers of pills for me as well as a prescription if i ran out. I had no other belongings with me, so it only took a few minutes.

Ryan came and sat with me on the bed, once again pulling me onto his lap. We both cried. I didn't see it, but i felt his chest constrict and a few sobs escape his lips. Me, i cried unashamed about it.

No matter how much i didn't like it here, it was my home. I knew where everything was, who everyone was. There was no surprises here. Now, i had to move somewhere else, with no-one i know, with nothing of my own. This could be one of the scariest things i had ever done.

I heard him sniff and sniffed too. "Bella-" He choked off.

No. It couldn't be time already. I wasn't ready. I couldn't.

Ryan actually pushed me out of my room and to the door. This seemed oddly significant to me. Once i went through this door, i would never step though this doorway again. I would never step on this floor again. I would never sit on those sofa's again.

Jesus, i was getting sentimental. I wanted freedom so much, but now i wanted nothing more than to stay here forever.

At the door, Ryan turned me to him and hugged me roughly. I didn't mind. I cried once again, hard.

He pulled away, but put his hands on either side of my face, forcing me to look at him.

"Be safe. You'll be okay Bella. Remember this Bella" He said, picking up my wrist, showing my cuff. The Cullen cuff.

"You are never alone" He said. He removed his hands and pulled something out from under his shirt. A thin gold chain.

He took it off, and handed it to me. I took it in my hand and looked at it. One the bottom was two pendants. They appeared to be made of stone, but were so smooth they felt like silk.

"This one" Ryan said, picking up the black one "means courage".

It was beautiful. The black stone seemed to swirl in on itself, different shades of white and black mixed to create colours i had never seen. It was only small, but as Ryan put it in my palm, it weighed more than i thought.

"This one" He said, picking up the silver, metallic coloured one "means strength"

This one seemed to shimmer, despite the lack of light. It just seemed to eminate light on it's own, glowing slightly. It was a teardrop shape, but also seemed to swirl with colour. Whites, greys and silvers all swirling, melting together, contrasting against one another.

I was too busy looking at them, but Ryan took it away again, slipping the large chain over my head easily. It hung in the middle of my chest, a comfortable "Keep them. When ever you feel lost or like you just want to give up, hold these. You'll be okay" He said, softly.

I looked up at him through a film of tears, making him blur slightly. "I will" I whispered, hugging Ryan again fiercely.

"Time to go" He said, glancing out the door. The outer door was open as well, and i could easily see the car waiting for me.

Ryan opened the door, one hand on my back leading me, the other holding my minuscule bag of clothes. The warm air hit me and i gasped. I hadn't felt the wind for so long, it seemed out of place.

Ryan signed me out, while i was peeking out of the door at the sky. It was blue. An actual blue sky, with a large yellow sun shining to the right. How long had it been since i had seen one of those? And tree's. Not the ones in the garden, but a forest. Wild flower's and grass. Fly's and bee's. Squirrels and rabbits.

"You ready Bella?" Ryan asked. I gulped but nodded. Ryan took my hand this time as i walked outside. I didn't like it at all.

It was too big. I wanted, no needed, walls. There was too much space. But i didn't run back, i stayed strong. For me. For Ryan. For the Cullen's. I would not be weak.

I memorized the sound of the gravel crunching under my feet, remembering the last time i heard that, i was on my way in and i didn't even listen to it. A man got out of the drivers seat and walked around the car to us.

"Hello, my name is Josh" He said. He was young probably nineteen or twenty. He was tall and gangly, but brown hair got in his face making him seem younger and carefree. His easy going smile and slight tan made me think of Jacob. I internally shook my head. I would not think about that now.

"Ryan" Ryan said, waiting for me to say my name.

"I'm Bella" I said quietly, so glad i didn't blush anymore.

"It's nice to meet you Bella. Here, let me take that" He said, taking the case from Ryan and putting it on the back seat of the car. I was glad he didn't comment on the lightness of it, that might be an awkward conversation.

"I'll give you two a minute" Josh said, smiling before walking around to the other side of the car and getting in again.

Once again, Ryan hugged me, but this one was more. I could tell how he was feeling in this hug. Exactly what i was feeling.

"Goodbye" I whispered through my tears.

"No. This isn't goodbye Bella. I will see you again" He said fiercely, and i couldn't doubt him.

"I'll miss you" I said quietly in case Josh was listening.

"I'll miss you too, but you'll be okay. Bella, this is your chance. Go out there and live. Don't let this thing hang over you anymore, don't let it control your life. Start over, be Bella. Promise me" He said, his own eyes filling with moisture, but he was more controlled than i was. He didn't actually cry.

"I promise" I said seriously. I wouldn't. I would live. No more breaking down over something trivial. I would stay strong and live my life to the fullest. Ryan walked away, opening the passenger door for me. It wasn't an order, but a request. He wanted me to get out of here and actually live my life.

Who am i to deny him?

I got in slowly, wiping away my tears. I swung my legs in as well and Ryan closed the door. He took a step back, and he was right. No goodbyes were to be said. This was not goodbye for us.

Josh started the car, and drove down the drive, away from my home, my friend and my life.

What the hell am i supposed to do now?

**Bet you weren't expecting that!!  
Don't worry, Alice will reunite with Bella, and so will Edward. But this was vital to the story.  
I was actually cryng while typing this, so tell em what you think !!  
:) **


	16. First Step Acceptance

**Disclaimer- I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT**

**PREVIOUSLY.............**

_"I'll miss you too, but you'll be okay. Bella, this is your chance. Go out there and live. Don't let this thing hang over you anymore, don't let it control your life. Start over, be Bella. Promise me" He said, his own eyes filling with moisture, but he was more controlled than i was. He didn't actually cry._

_"I promise" I said seriously. I wouldn't. I would live. No more breaking down over something trivial. I would stay strong and live my life to the fullest. Ryan walked away, opening the passenger door for me. It wasn't an order, but a request. He wanted me to get out of here and actually live my life._

_Who am i to deny him?_

_I got in slowly, wiping away my tears. I swung my legs in as well and Ryan closed the door. He took a step back, and he was right. No goodbyes were to be said. This was not goodbye for us._

_Josh started the car, and drove down the drive, away from my home, my friend and my life._

_What the hell am i supposed to do now?_

**NOW........**

The drive was... strange.

It felt so weird to be in the world again. I half expected people to be teleporting instead of walking around, or driving around in hover car's. I was a little disappointed when everything was relatively normal. Though it was a little calming to know that the world hadn't totally changed since i had been gone.

Josh was... okay. Most of the time i gazed out of the window, watching the world pass by in a blur of colour even though we were only going about fifty miles an hour. Everytime i looked at him, he would be smiling a little at the road. Just a little gentle smile. It would be okay, only, he reminded me so much of Jacob.

The tall, tanned, smiling man sat beside me was so different, yet nearly the mirror image of Jacob. So easy going and relaxed. We didn't even know each other, yet i wasn't scared of this stranger. I wasn't scared that he would rape or beat me, his easy going attitude settled around me as well, and i couldn't be awkward around him.

He let me be, for which i was happy. I didn't exactly know how to talk to people now. I could only talk to the Cullen's because i used to know them, and i know how to talk to Ryan because of the circumstances we were put in.

The very thought of the Cullen's and Ryan had me clutching the two pendants firmly in my hand, gazing down at the leather cuff on my wrist. Tears sprang into my eyes, but i reminded myself that i was being strong and pushed them. This was a new life for me, and i would to start off by re-living my past insecurities.

I sighed, returning my eyes back out the window to the trees, that had been reduced to mere green blurs that were passing by.

"You okay?" Joshs' voice said, shocking me and reminding me that he did have a voice.

I looked over to him, finding his gaze on the road, but he looked at me out of the corner of his eye. I smiled a little.

"Yeah, fine. It's just......." I trailed off, wondering what to say, and why i was actually talking to this man.

"Scary?" He offered. He turned to see my nod before turning back to the road.

"I remember my first time in a children's home. I literally went kicking and screaming all the way" He chuckled, shaking his head a little. "You seem to be taking it better than me though" He smiled wider at me, and i couldn't help but smile back. It was infectious.

"Yeah, i guess. It's just......" I said, pausing. What do i say? I am crazy and i don't know how to talk to people.

"I'm different than other people" I said lamely, looking down at my lap.

"Don't worry about it, everyone has their share of problems. Some are just bigger than other's. Besides, you won't be dealing with other people you're own age" He told me, not saying much more.

"Really?" I turned to face him , shocked. How much age difference will there be?

"You don't know? You haven't been told where you're going?" He asked, eyebrows raised, yet he didn't turn away from the road. Finally, a competant driver!

"No. I was only told today. She said that i was going to a children's home, but that's it. I was given a few hour's to get ready" I told him wanting to know.

"Well, we are going to a children's home, but.... a young children's home. As in, the oldest kid we have is six"

I sat, shocked. Well, i guess it's better than older kids. Little kids don't read paper's and watch the new's, they don't know my past, and probably don't care. This could actually be better.

"That's okay. I preffer that actually, to bigger kids anyway" I said, grimacing at the very thought of the onslaught i would have gotten from them.

"Same, though some of them are little shi-" He coughed a little "Pain in the back-sides i mean"

I laughed at him, and he joined me. I felt... happy. Strange.

"Oh, be careful of Joyce" His face smile turned into a frown.

"Who's Joyce?" I asked, gulping. The very thought of someone that was going to cause trouble made my stomach roll. I just wanted to go in and get out as fast as i can, and make it easy as well.

"The supervisor, leader, commander. What ever. She can be... tough to handle. Don't worry about it, if she gets on your back, I'll be there. I have experience in controlling the beast" He chuckled and i did too. Already i saw Josh as a friend.

"Thanks" I sighed, holding onto the pendants again.

I had a thought. The children there were just little kids, i was way too old. What would i do? Who would i talk to?

"Eerrr Josh?" I said shyly.

"Yeah?"

"Aren't i a little old to be going to this kids' home" I asked, wondering why i was going to such a young childrens' home.

"Yeah, but i think the incentive is that you will be more a member of staff than child. You'll probably get roped into it anyway due to your age, just like i did" He chuckled again.

I guess that was okay. It would definitely keep my mind off everything that has happened. Chasing after little kids will keep my busy for a while anyway.

"That's okay, I don't mind"

That about ended conversation, not that i minded. The silence was comfortable.

I watched the pedestrian's walk, talking or listening to music on their phone's or whatever. I saw neighbors talking over garden fences, gossiping about something probably. It was so weird. Everyones life had carried on, they hadn't been affected by the murders, they hadn't been locked away in a mental institution for a few months.

I felt my arm being shaken gently and frowned.

"Bella? Come on, we're here" I heard Josh say.

I opened my eyes, shocked at how dark it was outside the car. I must have fallen asleep at some point during the ride.

"Sorry" I mumbled, rubbing my eyes to clear the sleep from them.

I heard Josh chuckle and open the car door. I copied him, slower, still half asleep. I shivered, wrapping my arms around my self in an effort to keep warm. It was then that i saw the building in front of me. It was large, but not very welcoming.

Maybe it looked better in the light...

I heard Josh close the boot with a slam, coming to stand beside me with a sigh, his breath appearing in front of him.

"Yeah, cheerful isn't it?" He said, his tone light but sarcastic.

"Hhmmmm" I hummed, not really wanting to judge just yet. It did look a bit depressing.

"Come on" He said, walking towards a door, light shining out of the long glass window in it.

He walked straight in, dropping my case at the side of the stairs and glancing at his watch. "It's alright, all the kids will be in bed"

I nodded, slightly relieved. I'm not exactly sure what to do with little kids, never having interacted with any before.

The hallway was lit by a dim light that made it hard to really see anything. I could see pictures hanging on the walls, a sofa to one side, toys pushed to the sides, a table with an open book on it sat beside the door. At the other end of the hallway were three doors. One straight ahead, one a few feet closer to me, to the right and another even closer to me to the left again.

"Josh, is that you?" I heard a woman say loudly, obviously trying to wake the sleeping kids. Josh looked at me, rolling his eyes and shaking his head.

"Honestly, it's like I'm a slave around here. You ready to face the devil herself?" He wiggles his eyebrows comically and i couldn't help but giggle.

He walked forward, motioning for me to join him. He pushed open the wooden door, immediately blinding us both with light.

"Ah, so this must be Isabella" Once my vision cleared, i saw a woman sat on a stool watching us both closely. I had to admit, she didn't look very nice at all. Her light brown hair was frizzy, and bushy, hanging limply on her shoulders, her small dark, beady eyes seemed to notice everything. Her plain white shirt and jean's didn't really help her figure, she wasn't a slim-jim.

"Bella" I corrected her automatically, sending a small smile to her.

We were in a kitchen/ dining room. It was huge, one side completely covered by cupboards and two cookers and fridges. The to the far corner was all the tiny tables and chairs that came up to my knee.

"Well, we all know your background of course" She nodded to Josh "And we will be keeping an eye on you to make sure you are okay. If you have any problems come and talk to me" Though her tone wasn't at all inviting, i nodded, reminding myself that if i ever needed to talk about anything, i would go to Josh.

She opened her mouth again, and i held my breath for what ever else she would say. Luckily, Josh interrupted.

"Bella's tired, I'm going to show her her room" He said abruptly, putting his hand on my shoulder, turning me around and walking me back into the darkness. I frowned in confusion.

"That wasn't very nice" I commented as Josh removed his hand from my shoulder and picked up my case.

"Believe me, if i hadn't she would have had you there all night. You have to stop her before she gets on a roll" He explained, his voice getting quieter as we climbed the stairs.

"You have a room to yourself. It's not that big but..." He trailed off. Didn't he know what I had been living in for the past many months.

"It'll be fine, I'm sure" I comforted him. We spoke no more as we passed the doors. I smiled at a few. Some where covered in posters of Zac Efron and High School Musical people. Others had "Keep Out" signs on them, and drawings of them and the house done in crayons.

We stopped outside a blank wooden door. My door now i suppose.

Josh opened it and stepped in, ushering me in and closing the door before turning the light on. The walls were a nice light lilac, a small, white wodden wardrobe sat in one corner, and a white wooden draws sat next to it. On the opposite wall, pushed against the far wall, was a bed. Just lookng at it made me tired.

"It's only basic, but we can do it up if you like" Josh offered, setting my bag on the floor.

"Thanks, but i like it as it is" I smiled genuinely. It was simple and spacious. Lovely.

"Okay, well... I'll leave you to get some sleep" He said, smiling once more before he opened the door was walked out, closing it again behind him.

I shuffled over to my bag, suddenly extremely tired. I paused, looking from my bag to my bed. Oh stuff it.

I climbed on the bed, kicking my shoes and socks off, not even bothering to get changed or climb under the covers, and almost immediately fell asleep.

xxx

I was glad to wake up the next day, finding that my night had been free from nightmares. I smiled to myself, thinking, hoping that it could be a good sign. I wouldn't get my hoped up.

I sighed, keeping my eyes closed. I could feel the sun, from the window beside my bed, shining and heating up my body through the curtains. I sighed again, opening my eyes and staring at the ceiling. My ceiling. In my room.

Wow. I have a room, and not a padded one.

I got up slowly, and put my feet on the floor. I shivered as the cold wood shocked my warm feet. I stretched, getting up and walking to the window. I had no idea what time it was, having no clocks or watches on or around me. It was sunny out, something i still hadn't gotten used to.

The sun, the sky, the birds. The world.

Never take the sun for granted. Artificial light gets very irritating after a while, you long to see the blue sky, or the white clouds. The birds flying around and chirping with each other.

Feeling more awake than i have done in a long time, and still nervous about this whole thing, i walked out of my room and down the stairs. I realised i was dressed in the same stuff i arrived i last night, but i was already downstairs, and it was too late now.

I could hear kids now, laughing and yelling, some crying and screaming. Oh god, do i really like kids enough to be able to spend everyday with them?

I gulped before opening the kitchen door. I don't know what i expected, everyone to stop and stare at me or all the kids to scream. But, it was as if i hadn't just appeared. I couldn't help but smile, i could be invisible here.

Most of the kids were sat down eating toast, covering their faces in butter and crumbs, throwing it at each other, laughing. It was quite a heart warming scene. Stil... people. I wasn't.. scared, per say, just.. okay, i was scared. Don't ask me what i was afraid of, but the fear was there.

"Bella!" I looked up to see Josh, eating his own toast as he sat with the kids. He got up, grabbing a sheet of kitchen towel and wiping some young boys mouth with a tissue. He smiled slightly, I forced a small smile, trying to smother my worries i knew where stupid.

"We need some help" He called over all the noise. He pointed to Joyce who was stood in a corner, back turned to us, on the phone to someone. He rolled his eyes and smiled.

"We seem to have lost one of our number. " He smiled wider, looking back at the heads of all the kids, and i couldn't help but smile with him.

"What do they look like?" I yelled as the noise got louder. Anything to keep my mind off... everything. One kid is better than... about fifteen.

"He's the only kid out there, so you won't get the wrong one" He smirked but it soon fell as toast his his head, the kids all laughing at him. I chuckled, shaking my head as i walked back out and started looking for the missing kid.

Okay, it's alright. Kids are nice. You don't even have to have a conversation with them, so I'll be okay in that department. They don't know I'm bonkers, so thats an added bonus. No, being here was probably the best place for me. I clutched the two pendants in my hand, closing my eyes for s second and taking a deep breath before carrying on.

I checked the first door closest to me, opening it up to see it was a large lounge. Large sofa's were laid around and in front of a large television. Toy's were everywhere, but they were pushed to the edges of the room so no-one would trip up. I guess that was tidying here. I took a look around, careful not to touch too much. I felt like a visitor here, i guess calling this place "home" would take some getting used to.

After searching and finding that no-one was here, i walked out, closing the door and checking the next one. It was an office. A wooden desk was the first thing you saw when you opened the door. It had a laptop on it, papers and pens scattered on it untidily. Opening the door further, i saw some more sofa's. These ones were cleaner and newer looking than the ones in the lounge. I looked back at the door for some indication as to where i was.

"Office- Visitors Area"

Ah, this was where the visitors come.

I listened for a second, hearing nothing, i backed out again. I eyed the stairs, wondering if they could be upstairs, but i didn't want to go hunting through the kids rooms. I decided to check the lounge again, just in case i missed anything.

I walked back in, closing the door behind me and searching again. I checked behind the boxes of toys, stacked in a corner. I checked behind the bookcase, i checked beneath a "tent", which was really a blanket, either side attached to the radiator and the back of a sofa.

I sighed, frowning. Where was this kid?

I heard a whine and my head shot to the sofa in the far corner, the only one i hadn't checked. Slowly, i creeped forward, but trying to make some noise so i didn't scare them by just appearing.

"Is anyone there?" I asked, feeling stupid. I heard a small sniff and smiled a little, sadly. The kid was upset.

The sofa touched the wall at the top, but at the bottom, let a good sized gap. Big enough for someone to fit through. Okay, one kid. Children are not scary, they are innocent and sweet, some are monsters. Yeah, but only some.

Not wanting to frighten them, i sat beside the gap. "Your missing breakfast you know" I said gently, trying to get them out.

"I'm not hungry" Answered a small boyish voice. He sounded shy and quiet. I could sympathise with this boy.

"Are you okay?" What a stupid question.

Another sniff, but he didn't answer. I sighed, would he ever come out? "Will you tell me what's wrong?" I asked, careful to keep my tone light.

"You won't understand" He sniffed, sounding even sadder than before.

"You'll never know if you don't try" I offered, trying to get him out of there. The silence told me he was thinking about it.

"Will you come out here and tell me?" I thought about what i would be like and added "Don't worry, it's just you and me. Everyone else is eating breakfast now".

I waited with bated breath, and after a minute or so began to wonder if he would ever come out. I was brought out of my thoughts as a mop of mucky blond hair appeared by my left arm, out of the gap. I stayed quiet as he climbed out. He turned around, his arm across his chest, holding a teddy in the crook of his arm. His eyes were red, tear tracks on his face.

I got up on my knees so i was level with him and smiled kindly.

"What's wrong eh?" I asked gently. His breathing was coming in gasps like it does when you cry too much. Suddenly, huge tears ran down his face and his bottom lip wobbled.

"I don't know anyone! My mummy brought me here yesterday and i don't know where i am" He sobbed, throwing his arms around my neck as far as they would let him, crushing his face into my shirt, dropping his teddy on the floor. He clung on for dear life, and i sat back on the floor, crossing my legs, him never letting go of me.

I froze for a second. That fear again, i don't know this kid, and he is touching me. Fear overwhelmed me for a second before i nearly laughed outloud. This was a kid, an upset kid who needed someone there to comfort him. He was no monster.

"Ssshhh... It's okay, I understand. Eh?" I said cheerfully, causing him to look up at me with big blue watery eyes "I'll tell you a secret before anyone else knows okay?" I whispered, playing along with him. He nodded, his tears stopping thankfully.

"I'm new too. I got here last night, I don't know anyone except the big people here" I whispered, planting a scared look on my face.

"They're a bit scary though aren't they?" I smiled as he laughed and nodded. Suddenly, he let go of my neck and grabbed one of my hands.

"Don't worry, I'll look after you. I'm not afraid of them" He puffed his chest out, his eyes wide with determination. The sight made me want to laugh, a tiny boy protecting me? Oh how i long to be that innocent again.

"How about we look after each other, okay?" He thought about it, and nodded, smiling.

"So, what's your name?" I asked as he wiped his tears away.

"Callum" He answered, sniffing again.

"I'm Bella" I winked at him, making him laugh. It was all bubbly and childish, it made me smile widely.

"Are you hungry? Cos i am" I told him, comically rubbing my stomach. As i planned, he said he was too and we stood up. I was shocked when he held my hand but knew it was normal for kids to do that.

He was leading me, but he stopped outside the door. "Will you sit with me?" He looked up at me again, with doe eyes. How could i say no?

I nodded "Of course". He tried to push the door open himself, and i felt a little sorry for him, so i gave it a little push, making him think he did it himself. When we walked in, everything was just as noisy and busy. Josh came and walked towards us and i felt Callum edge behind my leg as if he were scared.

"I see you found him then" He said, smiling down at Callum nicely.

"Your breakfasts are here" He said, turning and grabbing two plastic plated with two slices of toast on them. No weetabix here i see. He gave them both to me, but i handed one to Callum as we walked over to a table with a spare chair. I felt Callum tighten his grip on my hand, his tiny hands easily fitting into my palm.

I let him sit down but i knelt on the floor beside him, dropping his hand. All the kids on the table stopped and stared at us openly. Well, they are kids.

"Who are you?" Asked a large green eyed, curly blond haired girl, rather nastily actually.

"I'm Bella, and this is my friend Callum" I smiled at Callum but he was looking at his toast.

"When did you get here?" A brown haired boy asked, sat on the right side of the table.

"Last night, you were all asleep" I said, picking up my own toast.

"Where are you from?" Another child asked and i smirked.

"It's a secret. I can't tell anyone" I whispered, looking around for extra effect.

"Where are _you_from?" The same child asked Callum. He glanced at me before answering.

"I was born in Chicago" He said in a small voice. I couldn't help my mind drifting to someone else who used to live in Chicago, Ed-

I shook my head from those thoughts. I just got here, this is a new start for me. I would not make the same mistake as last time. I will not hold on to everything. I kept everything in my mind, every detail, ever hope and thought, and eventually it got too much. Not anymore. This time, i would let it go.

I zoned out, letting Callum talk to the other kids and make friends. When Joyce said that breakfast was over, all the kids ran out of the room and disappeared. Callum went with them.

I sighed sadly. My first friend had already abandoned me.

"It's easier of you don't get too attached" Josh said, sitting in one if the tiny chairs, turning his legs to the side because his legs were too big to fit under the table. I looked at him exasperatedly.

"Yeah, i feel the same. No matter how hard you try, you can never do it, you can't help but love them. But when they leave, it's even harder" He told me, smiling sadly. Yeah, all these kids would get adopted and i would be left behind to deal with the new batch. Great. I would be left behind.

"Here, Joyce told me to give you this" He said, putting a white and a blue pill on the table, along with a glass of water i hadn't seen him holding.

"Oh, word of warning. Don't let the kids see you taking them, they'll go bonkers" He whispered, grimacing at the door.

"So, how are you so far?" He asked, putting on elbow on the table and putting his head in his hand.

I got up, sitting down in a seat opposite him. I popped the blue pill in my mouth and took a swig of water, shuddering as it went down. Would i ever get used to swallowing these things? I swallowed the other one too, glad that Josh had suddenly found the cooker interesting to look at.

I set the glass back on the table and sighed, mimicking his position, and letting him know i was done.

"It's okay. I guess it's better than older kids in the end. These kids don't know what happened with me, so that's good" I shrugged, continuing our previous conversation.

"I know. When i came here, well something bad happened to me too. When i came here, i was a little apprehensive at first, you know, having no-one my own age. But it came in handy. These kids don't know the news, and it was like a fresh start for me here. When i didn't get adopted, i chose to stay on as staff and help out" He said, smiling at me, his eyes shining. I restrained myself from asking what happened to him, knowing it would be hard to talk about.

"Yeah, that's how i see it. There's no-one to point or whisper. I don't know about the whole "stay on as staff" thing though. I want to see the world of i can" I said, thinking about where i would go.

_If you live long enough to see it _A nasty thought sneaked into my head. No, it was only in my dreams that I- It doesn't matter, it wouldn't happen.

If- _When _i get out of here, i will try to hunt down the Cullen's again, see how they are doing. They seemed like they enjoyed seeing me again, god knows they said it enough, but they must be at least a little glad that i don't tie them down anymore.

_Just a visit, then everyone will be happy _

"Hey, what's that?" I zoned back in and saw Josh looking curiously at the cuff on my wrist.

"Oh, it's a family crest" I said, idly tracing the outline of it.

"The swan family crest?" He guessed, glancing at me.

I shook my head "No. It's... another family i was part of for a while. Not officially, like adopted. It was back before the accident, we were all close, and they were like me family" Why had i just told him all of that? Why?

"Sounds nice. But why_" He stopped suddenly, his eyes shooting to mine, going wide "It doesn't matter" He muttered, but i knew what he was going to ask anyway.

"Why didn't they take me in?" I asked for him. He looked really guilty for making me say it, but i wasn't that bothered, i felt comfortable talking to Josh.

"Well, they visited me quite a lot while i was... there" I saw him nod, accepting my changes to the truth. He knew where i had been, he had picked me up.

"We had a... disagreement a while ago, and they found out about the accident and started to visit me. They came one by one, but eventually, they stopped coming. I knew that they would only not come if they really and honestly couldn't, so i was okay. But.. they didn't come for a very long time, or it felt like it to me" I frowned.

"But, even though i love them all, and i basically lived for their visits, i was a little concerned how dependant i was on them" I told him, thinking about what the doctor had said. I hate to admit it, but she was right, it was dangerous to get too close to people.

"So, i told myself that i would be okay without them, and i carried on. I didn't go back to how i used to be, all depressed and none responsive, because i knew that when they did come back, it would make them feel guilty and upset. But then... this happened" I motioned to the kitchen, meaning moving here. Josh nodded, his face listening raptly, not interrupting me.

"So... they don't know your here" He said slowly after i had been quiet for a while.

"Not unless they call the place and they tell them, but... who knows..." I trailed off. If that witch got a hold of the phone, she would never tell them where i was. Alice may see me, but with all the drugs, she can't see me very clearly.

"Well, that's great!" I jumped as he nearly shouted, a huge smile on his face like he had won the lottery.

He waited for me to catch on, but i didn't see what was so good about it.

"Look, they really love you right?" He asked, as if already knowing the answer. I nodded, still waiting for the punch line.

"So, they love you that much, then they won't give up until they find you. You said that you had a.. disagreement, right? They came and found you and made it right?" He asked and i nodded again.

"Well, if they did it once, they will do it again" He smiled dazzlingly. I still didn't get it. Yes, i would see them again, which made my heart soar at the very thought, but why was he so happy?

"Bella, where are you?" He asked me dumbly.

"The kitchen" I told him, as if he was mentally handi-capped.

"You are in a children's home, where kids get fostered. Where _you _can get fostered" Ah, it finally sunk in.

"What so..." I said, trying to piece this all together "You think that when they find out I'm not at that place anymore, they will search for me. And when they find me here, they will adopt me?" I asked, my voice getting higher and higher at the very thought of being an official Cullen.

"That, my lady, is my theory" He said, putting on an English accent, and leaning back in his chair, pretending to dust off his hands.

I couldn't help but smile at him. He was right. They would fight for me, like they did before. They would find me, they are Vampire's after all.

But... Why do these thoughts always have to ruin everything.

_What about the two Cullen's you haven't seen yet? Alice? Your best friend? Edward?_

I was pleased that i didn't cringe when i thought of his name. Hopefully i was getting somewhere with that affliction.

But it was a problem. Not the Alice bit. I loved Alice, she was my best friend, she still is. It must be really hard for her not to see me, and after all Emmett, Jasper, Esme and Carlisle have told me, she misses me too. I would forgive Alice easily, i already have.

But i couldn't live with Edward. I couldn't stand to be around him. I hate him, a lot. I want nothing more than to never see him again, but another part of me, the old Bella side of me, wants nothing more than move in with the Cullen's just for the opportunity of seeing him. Sad, i know.

But if i moved in, and i had to live with him, see him everyday, _speak to him!. _I couldn't do that. Maybe, _maybe _if he loved me, but that was out of the question.

Would i let this stand in the way of being with my family again, fully? It truly depends on how brave i feel at the time.

"Josh! Bella!" Joyce came bursting into the kitchen. We both sat up straight, Josh turning to look at her as he was sat with his back to her. She walked up to the table, standing at the end of it.

"I was thinking, Bella needs some clothes. Perhaps you could go with her Josh?" She peered at Josh, not even glancing at me once.

"Yeah, I'd love to" He turned back to me, smiling.

"Good, here's some money" She dropped a bag on the table between us before walking out again.

"Well, that was nice" I said sarcastically.

_Since when was i sarcastic? _

"You get used to it" He smirked at me, picking up the bag and opening it.

"Sixty quid, should get some stuff with it" He said, after counting the notes in his hand. I grimaced.

"What?" He frowned at me.

"I hate shopping. I always have, probably always will do" I said, laying my head down on the table. I heard him chuckle and looked up to glare at him.

"Don't worry, we'll have fun" He laughed as i groaned.

"Come on. The early bird gets the best deals" He said enthusiastically getting up, the bones in his legs clicking from sitting so low.

"Yeah, but the bird that made them go will be in severe pain by the end" I scowled, getting up and crossing my arms across my chest as he laughed at me.

"Go and get your shoes on" He told me, still laughing.

I huffed, walking out and walking up the stairs, the haughty face still on. I put on the trainers that Ryan had put in, and walked downstairs. Should i change? I did sleep in these clothes? I shook my head. I was going to get new ones anyway. What's the point?

I walked downstairs and met Josh at the door with the money and car keys in his pocket. Without a word he unlocked the door and walked out into the little concrete courtyard. As he walked to the car, i took a glance back at the house. Yep, still as depressing as it is at night. I squinted as the sun reflected off the silver car, making my way to the passenger seat and putting my seat belt on.

I remained in stubborn silence, slightly shocked by how at ease i was with Josh already. I looked out the window, watching the people walking around on the paths. Lot's of people where out today, lots and lots of people.

That, ladies and gentlemen, was when my mind and body locked down on me.

"Bella? Bella, you okay?" Josh said beside me. I was still facing the window, away from him, but my breathing was coming in gasps now, my body trembling slightly as i watched the people outside with renewed horror.

He pulled down a little street and stopped the car.

"Bella, talk to me. What's wrong?" He asked, not ordering me to do anything. I turned to face him, his eyes widened as he saw my watery eyes and trembling lips. Since the front seat was just one long seat, he undid his seat belt and pulled me to him, hugging me tightly to his side. It didn't even enter my mind to try to resist him. I wasn't scared of Josh, he was my friend. My Alli.

"All the people. They... And... Because..." I couldn't get anything out, my silent cries turning to sobs.

"Come on, it's okay. Look, the accident was a while ago now, you know how people go from one thing to another. No picture was published of you, you know. We are a long way from where it happened, so no-one will recognise you at all. Besides, do you really think i would let anyone hurt you?" He said, his tone told me he was telling the truth.

"Trust me okay. Some people may look, yes, but you don't have anything to hide from, nothing to be ashamed or afraid of" He soothed me, subbing my back comfortingly, my face pressed into his chest. Great, my first new friend and i was already breaking down and crying on them.

"But... I'm a nutter" I choked out, my voice muffled by his chest.

"No" He sighed sadly "No, you aren't Bella. You're just hurting, and you need someone there to help you. There isn't anything wrong with that, and it certainly doesn't make you crazy" I felt his kiss the top of my head, sighing again.

I sniffed, suddenly feeling silly and embarrassed. "Sorry" I whispered as he relaxed his hold on me slightly.

"Don't be. When i first got here, i was like you. Trying to fit in, to go along with anything, to loose my past and concentrate on the future. I had my fair share of tears and fights too, only i had no-one there to help me, no-one to understand me. That's why i am going to help you" He told me, looking down at me.

"You need to understand something Bella, something it took me days to realise and years to accept. You can't escape from the past, you can't change or hide from it. The only way to escape it is to embrace it, to look back and understand. Because then, and only then, there will be nothing to escape from" He looked down at me seriously, and i couldn't help but giggle at a thought.

"You know you sound like a wise old man right? The great owl? Or a fortune cookie?" I giggled even more, and he chuckled, shaking his head.

"Well, i am rather old now. I am twenty you know" He put on a pompous accent.

"Yes sir, i see the wrinkles. Should i pass you your pipe and slippers?"

And just like that, everything was okay again.

I took a deep breath before i got out the car, readying myself. The shopping center was packed full of people, and the shops! There were so many of them! Three levels, four escalators, three food courts. Where the hell was I?

"So, what sort of clothes do you want?" Josh asked as we stood in the entrance, being barged into and shoved as we looked up at all the shops. You could see the shops on the higher tiers, since the shops were on the outside, so was the walkways. A huge glass window illuminated the entire place, the sun shining from everything.

"Just basics" I told him "Jean's and shirts" I added as he looked at me, confused.

He rolled his eyes but grabbed my hand and walked through the crowds before me, parting them and making sure we didn't get split up.

I have to say, he was right. It was fun.

Josh tried clothes on too, only, clothes that weren't... his type, shall we say. I spent most of my time in fits of giggles. He went up to a female shop assistant, her name tag said that she was new, and asked her for a dress in the next size up.

It would have been alright, if the dress wasn't strapless, bright yellow, and he was wearing it. And it was... a lot too small. I dived behind a rack of "reduced" clothes, and bit my lips to try to appear normal. I ended up clutching the clothes in an effort to stand up, tears streaming down my cheeks as i watched the assistant run off and come out with not only the larger dress, but in an assortment of colours.

We went around the shops, Josh dragging me along behind him even though he was carrying the bags. We stopped for something to eat, only a frozen yogurt for me, something i had missed over the months. Frozen dairy products. Yum.

In the end, i had come away with lots more than jean's and shirts. At Josh's insistence, and behind my back, he got me three pairs of short shorts, making the excuse that i had "good legs". I knew he didn't mean it _that _way, especially when he said it in a gay voice. He got me all sorts of tops. Dark tops, bright tops, long sleeved, even some boob-tubes.

He even bought me underwear. _That _was probably the highlight of my day.

He put on a black lacy bar and knickers set, on top of his jean's and his baggy shirt, and pranced around the shop, posing in front of mirrors. Customers laughed and took pictures on their phones, but the store people weren't impressed.

"Excuse me sir, but that is a woman's lingerie set, not man's. If you would like, i could show you what we have to offer men" I could tell by the over polite way he spoke that he was trying to be nice.

Josh turned around, his mouth open in a comical way as he started fanning his eyes. He was going gay again, pretending to cry and be offended. This should be good.

"Well, _excuse me! _I came in here to try to find something to wear for my girlfriend. I never, _never" _His voice going higher, and in his "gay voice", it was nearly super-sonic. Even though everyone knows Gays do not talk like that! Stereo-typical! "been so insulted in my life! Come Isabella!" He snapped his fingers at me, and i nearly ran over to him with all the begs, begging myself to stay in control until we get out of the shop.

"We are leaving!" He yelled, all the people in the crowd stood in shock, believing what he was saying, or smiling, knowing what he was doing.

"We will never step into this place again!" And with a flourish of his hand, he turned and walked out of the shop, me trying to keep up with his "gay walk".

Of course i had to go back in and take back the bra and knickers. My face was bright red and i was biting my lip again, trying not to laugh. It was three minutes since we left, and yet no-one had moved a muscle. They all watched as i walked up to the man and handed him the lingerie.

"You really should be more sensitive to people you know" I told him, injecting fake seriousness into my voice.

We got back to the car, Josh putting all the bags in the boot before joining me. We stayed in the car park for an extra fifteen minutes, too giggly and hyped up to go anywhere or even say anything. When ever we tried we would start again.

When was the last time i had that much fun?

We set off, neither of us speaking, but occasionally giggling at a memory or thought. We were going home.

Home? Really?

_You don't have anywhere else to go, do you? Besides, you have Josh and the kids, a room, food and clothes. It was my home now._

Yes, i am going home.

**Okay, everyone, raise you hand if you like Josh???  
****:)**

**So sorry it took so long to get out to you, but i started on Jasper's chapter and got total writers block, or the "I really cannot be bothered to repeat myself" bug.  
But here it is. Bella adjusting, or trying to  
****Okay, i made Josh really deep in this one, but i like Josh. He is nice and kind and will be Bella's friend. :)**

**OMG!! I GOT 51 REVIEWS FOR ONE CHAPTER!! THAT IS HUGE!!  
THANK YOU :)**


	17. BiPolar

**Disclaimer- I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT**

**PREVIOUSLY.............**

"You really should be more sensitive to people you know" I told him, injecting fake seriousness into my voice.

We got back to the car, Josh putting all the bags in the boot before joining me. We stayed in the car park for an extra fifteen minutes, too giggly and hyped up to go anywhere or even say anything. When ever we tried we would start again.

When was the last time i had that much fun?

We set off, neither of us speaking, but occasionally giggling at a memory or thought. We were going home.

Home? Really?

_You don't have anywhere else to go, do you? Besides, you have Josh and the kids, a room, food and clothes. It was my home now._

Yes, I am going home.

**NOW........**

**Alice's Perspective**

I sat in the living room, Jasper's arms around me, crushing me to his chest. We sat in silence, something that had been happening quite a lot recently.

Jasper was still blaming himself for what happened with Bella. His eyes still swirled with private pain and torture when ever he thought of it. It was only way I knew he was thinking if it.

I saw it, Bella was still a blur, but I saw her hit the floor, I heard her screams, I saw my family around her within seconds, trying to help but being unable to do anything. I remembered as I came out of the vision, a loud crash echoed around the quiet house. There was only me and Edward home since everyone else was visiting Bella.

He had broken something, something big and expensive probably. I waited for another crash, wondering if he was going to destroy the entire third floor like he had last time. The day after he left Bella. No-one could talk him out of it, Jasper and I had to leave because of all the emotions. Anyone that got anywhere near him was threatened with their life.

When Emmett tried to grab him, and Edward and him fought savagely for nearly an hour, we knew to just leave him be.

He calmed down after a day or so, and we found him dry sobbing against the hole ridden wall, curled up. No-one had the heart to be angry with him when he was in such a state, but I knew he felt ashamed for what he had done to Emmett and the house.

That was the last time Edward spent a full day downstairs, but even then it was for Esme's sake, not his.

I had waited, and sure enough, after a minute his dry sobs echoed through the empty house. Filling the crevices with pain, the walls soaking up the torture that they had seen. It seemed quite fitting after everything that had happened.

He was there right now, not sobbing though. Thinking, which is almost as bad.

The others were here as well, around us. All sat on sofas, holding their partners, not speaking, all wearing the same heart broken expression. I wished I hadn't been the one to tell them, but I they would have found out anyway. But the way their faces fell when I told them of my vision, it made me so guilty.

The room was suddenly shining as the suns rays hit our skin, lighting the entire room like a disco ball. I would have laughed if I was in a better mood.

The sun

I hate it. It's ruined everything.

It was going to stay sunny for three whole weeks! That's 21 days! Why, oh Lord, does the sun have to shine now? Why not wait a few months? But no, it had to be now and ruin everything my family had struggled to rebuild and make.

"Can you see her?" Carlisle asked, surprising me. No-one had spoken since the phone call. That was a hard conversation with Ryan. Saying we couldn't come and visit for a while. We didn't specify the time, just in case we had a chance of seeing her before the three weeks were up.

"No" I said sadly. Jasper squeezed me gently, comforting me as he felt my guilt and sadness.

And that was how we lived for two and a half weeks! In the first week, hardly anyone spoke, and we clung to our partners even more than usual. Seeing Edward downstairs was a shock since he only came down for our "meetings" after the others went to see Bella.

He didn't look so good. Actually, that was a compliment.

His eyes were the blackest I have ever seen them and I knew that it wasn't all from thirst. It was his emotions, his anger, frustration and guilt. His voice, usually soft like all of ours, was rough and scratchy, a result of not using it for a while. And...

He looked ill. He didn't walk with grace anymore, he stared blankly ahead as he moved. We all knew what he was seeing. He didn't pay attention to our thoughts anymore, and I couldn't even bring myself to cheer. I finally had my privacy back! I would give it all back to just have my brother and sister here again.

After the first week, we spoke to each other. It was rather strange really, how it all started....

_We were watching television, though no-one actually knew what we were watching. The house was quiet, and it was one of those times Edward had emerged from his hole to grace us with his presence. _

_It was when an advert came on the television that everyone began smiling randomly._

_Star Wars.... I really didn't get what was so funny about it._

_But Emmett was in fits of laughter, Jasper wasn't much better. Esme, Rose and Carlisle were smiling, and trying hard not to smile._

_I shared a look with Edward, shocked to find him looking curiously at all of us. It was one of the first times his mask of indifference and pain had been gone. Then it happened, something I had wished for, that all of us had missed so much._

_He smiled. A true smile, it was small, but it soon grew and he was laughing with the rest of them. I couldn't hold my joy. My brother was coming out of his shell again, the euphoria was amazing and I couldn't hold in my laughter._

We learned later that Bella had been humming the theme tune while high on medication. I wish I was Edward for that moment, just so I could see Bella happy. All I got was blury images, at least he got an image, a real image of her. He could see her.

After that, everyone and everything, changed.

Bella was no longer a taboo subject to be avoided for me and Edward's sake. Edward listened as they retold stories of her fun times, unlike before when we concentrated on the bad. We found ourselves laughing and joking like we used to. It was heart warming to see.

I truly did miss my family, even though I have had them all along. That wasn't them, this, these people in front of me, laughing and joking around, were my family.

I stood back from them, happy to be seeing us function as a proper family.

Tears that I would never shed filled my eyes, but they weren't tears of sadness or hurt or guilt. For the first time, they were tears of happiness.

"Alice..." I heard Edward next to me, and I turned to look at him.

His eyes, still black, were soft and understanding as he opened his arms slightly. Without even thinking about it, I launched myself into them, throwing my arms around his waist as he did the same to me, clutching each other tightly.

"Every thing's getting better again Edward" I said into his shirt. I looked up, and wasn't disappointed when I saw a small smile on his lips.

"Yeah, I know" He told me, his smile widening as he spoke.

I knew, vaguely, that the laughter had ceased, and all eyes were on us. This had to be one for the picture album. Edward accepting physical contact, and instigating it.

It continued, our euphorious mood. It was the 14th day, and we only concentrated on the time left, not the time that had passed. We were all happy in each others company, trying not to worry and feel sorry for Bella who was alone in that dreadful place.

Until my vision that was. Why do they always ruin everything? But was it so bad?

We were sat on the sofas, actually watching television this time. Some crappy reality show that we all made fun of. It was fun, like what we used to do.

It was just when Emmett was imitating some blond teen who had lost her daddies credit card that I was pulled under by a vision. It was an usually good vision. I could actually see Bella! But there was more than one...

_Bella in a car, staring out the window and crying, trembling in her seat. A boy in the drivers seat pulling her to him, comforting her and letting her cry. _

_"But... I'm a nutter" She choked out, her voice muffled by his chest and shirt. Did she really doubt herself that much?_

_"No" He sighed sadly "No, you aren't Bella. You're just hurting, and you need someone there to help you. There isn't anything wrong with that, and it certainly doesn't make you crazy" I watched as he kissed her head kindly, comforting her. I hope they were only friends. _

_"Sorry" She whispered, sniffing._

_"Don't be. When i first got here, i was like you. Trying to fit in, to go along with anything, to loose my past and concentrate on the future. I had my fair share of tears and fights too, only i had no-one there to help me, no-one to understand me. That's why i am going to help you" He looked down at her with kind eyes._

_"You need to understand something Bella, something it took me days to realise and years to accept. You can't escape from the past, you can't change or hide from it. The only way to escape it is to embrace it, to look back and understand. Because then, and only then, there will be nothing to escape from" He was so serious, and she giggled at him._

_I wanted to know why, but the vision changed and I missed the next thing._

_The next vision was of the same boy, trying on a yellow boob tube dress that was very small for him. I could see Bella hiding behind a clothing rail, laughing so hard tears were falling down her cheeks._

_The next was definatley my favourite._

_The same boy was prancing around some lingerie store, in a bra and knickers over the top of the clothes he was already wearing._

_"Excuse me sir, but that is a woman's lingerie set, not man's. If you would like, i could show you what we have to offer men" The man was trying to be polite but it was obvious he wanted the boy out the shop. _

_The boy turned, acting like he was upset by fanning his eyes, pretended to cry. I could see Bella in the background rolling her eyes and trying not to laugh. _

_"Well, excuse me! I came in here to try to find something to wear for my girlfriend. I never, never" His voice going higher as he spoke "been so insulted in my life! Come Isabella!" He snapped his fingers at Bella comically, like he was famous or something. She basically ran to him, all the bags on her arms as she tried not to laugh._

_"We are leaving!" The bot yelled, the crowd of people that had appeared at the scene all stood with varied expression. _

_"We will never step into this place again!" And with a flourish of his hand, he turned and walked out of the shop. I could hear my own laughter even through my vision as he walked away, still with the bra and knickers on, wiggling his bum. _

_The vision carried on, and I watched as a very red Bella went back into the shop, handing the sales man the lingerie back, trying very hard not to laugh._

_"You really should be more sensitive to people you know" She told him trying to be serious. The look on the mans face was priceless, shock and anger all mixed together. Bella, seeing he was going to blow, turned and nearly ran out of the store, not managing to make it before she laughed loudly._

_That sound was music to my ears._

_The next vision was even better._

_Bella, in the same car as before, the boy next to her. They were both slumped over the large bench-like front seat, laughing hysterically, both had tears running down their face._

My vision cleared and I saw a very happy Edward across from me. I was vaguely aware of my own laughter shaking my shoulders, but I found myself unable to stop. I would like to meet that boy, he seemed like a good person to have around. Though I'd keep him away from Emmett.

"Alice, honey, what happened?" Jasper asked, and I spotted him crouched in front of me, holding my hands and trying not to laugh from my mood.

"Bella....boy" They all froze as I said it but I ignored it. I would not laugh if Bella was hurt "Shopping..... dress ......bra.....gay......Bella" I managed to choke out over my own laughter. To say they were all confused would be an understatement.

They looked to Edward, but he was in a similar situation to me. He had slipped down the sofa, and was now on the floor, hugging his legs to his chest as he tried to stop laughing. He was failing.

"Bella was gay? Went shopping for a dress? Lost her bra?" Emmett guessed, a smile appearing on his childish face as he thought of it. I laughed harder at those thoughts, shaking my head.

"Bella, went clothes shopping" Edward started, clearing his throat still laughing a little "Her friend got a little... excited and... tried on a yellow dress that was too small" He laughed, but sobered up. I couldn't.

"They went to a lingerie store and.... they tried some on and.... got told off and.... acted all offended... Bella" He shook his head at the end, unable to continue.

"Her friend was a boy" He gushed out, laughing even harder.

That one little comment got everyone laughing. For a while we couldn't stop, Jasper couldn't control us, and I'm not sure he even tried. This was what we missed, the laughter.

Don't get me wrong, we all missed Bella, all of us. But it wasn't so bad anymore, not when we knew that we would be seeing her again soon. But we don't know if Bella knows that. That stupid bitch of a woman wouldn't let us speak to her, saying that "it would disrupt her healing process". What a bag of shit!

"Wait, what's Bella doing shopping? She's supposed to be kept in that horrid place twenty four seven" Carlisle said, not being able to resist insulting that place. I shivered involuntarily, Jasper's arms squeezing me comfortingly.

I shrugged, confused. She was supposed to be kept in the place, there was no getting out. Not for a human anyway, not without breaking your neck. So how did she get out?

"Maybe she was released?" I pondered out loud. I hoped she was, only monsters deserved to be locked up like an animal, and definitely not Bella.

"But then why hasn't she contacted us?" Rose threw in, her face contorted in hurt.

"She's been locked up in that place for months! I think we can safely say she doesn't have our phone number" Emmett tried to joke, but his own hurt and curiosity get in the way.

"Maybe we should phone up again" Esme said, eyeing the phone with a desperate look on her face.

"We shouldn't jump to conclusions" Carlisle berated all of us "Give her some time. We'll try in a few days" He said, in the tone that ended that conversation.

The laughter and euphoria were, once again, lost to us as we meandered around the house. We were waiting for that call, we needed to know where she was, if she was okay.

Finally, four days later, Carlisle finally decided it was time for the call. I was actually thinking of threatening his life if he didn't do it in the next ten minutes. Edward looked at me, and I knew that he agreed with my thoughts.

We all crowded around the phone, listening to the dial tine and waiting for it to pick up.

_"Hello?"_ An unfamiliar voice asked, not the evil woman at least.

"Ask for Ryan" I whispered. I had never met this man, but I had heard of him. He seemed like such a nice man, sharing our hatred of that doctor at least. That alone put him immediately in my good books.

"Can I speak to Ryan please? He works there" Carlisle asked, following my advice.

_"I'm sorry but Ryan no longer works here" _The mans voice, even over the phone, sounded bitter.

"What? When did that happen?" Carlisle asked, his confusion and panic seeping into his voice.

_"Four days ago. That doctor released his patient, and he was sacked and left as well. She apparently only kept him there because of his patients progress" _I knew he shouldn't be telling us this, it must be against the rules or something. But I didn't care.

Ryan was sacked, and Bella had been released.

"Do you know where his patient was sent?" Carlisle's voice went a little higher, his eyes wide as he waited.

"_I'm afraid I can't release that information to you sir" _The voice returned to it's formal tone.

"I'm Doctor Cullen, I came in to see Miss Swan" Carlisle also switched ot his professional voice "I merely wish to see if she is okay where she is" He said, and even I almost believed him.

I could hear the man deliberating on the other side of the line. When he sighed, I knew we had won.

"Okay, but this is for your ears only, understand?"

"Yes" Carlisle smirked. _And the other six vampires that are listening._

_"She's at Bridge House, a children's home in Seattle"_ He explained, all of us listening intently.

"Thank you" Carlisle told him putting down the phone a little quickly to be polite.

We remained silent for a second, all reeling at this new piece of information. But what do we do now?

"Why are you just sat there? We know where she, she's out of that place now! Let's go and get her!" Emmett shouted, sounding exasperated and excited at the same time.

"Emmett, maybe....." Oh no. We all looked at Carlisle's forlorn face, my gaze flitting to Edwards pained face.

"Maybe it would be better if... If she got a new start somewhere else, away from all of this mess" He said slowly, looking at the floor. He wanted Bella home as much as the rest of us, I knew how much it hurt him to even contemplate leaving her again.

"No! I promised I would go back for her, and I will!" Jasper said, staring with shock and anger at Carlisle. I put a calming hand on his shoulder, watching him lean back on the chair, his eyes fixed on Carlisle.

"Jasper, we have to think of her benefit and happiness, not just ours" Carlisle sighed, looking like even he didn't believe his own words.

"She was happy! You saw her! She was smiling and laughing! Just like she used to" He finished quietly. That last part made us all think. Bella, the old Bella. It didn't matter to me. Bella was Bella, and she would always be my sister.

"We have to go see her, even if we don't intend on taking her in, which I think is a stupid idea any" Rose said, breaking all of us out our thoughts. The determined look on her face didn't leave any room for doubts, even if we had any.

"I'll try to find the number and phone up" Carlisle said, disappearing from his place on the sofa.

"Wait..." We all turned to Emmett, waiting...

"That man said she's in a children's home, right?" I nodded, not knowing where he was going with this. Edward's eyes brightened, a smile on his lips as he read Emmett's mind.

"Well, kids go there to get adopted. Why don't we adopt Bella?" He squealed happily. Bella... a proper Cullen. She has always been part of our family, but this... this would make it solid. I saw blinding smiles all around me.

"But she's eighteen, an adult" Esme frowned, the ghost of a smile still on her face.

"Yes, but-" Carlisle appeared in the doorway and we all turned to look at him.

"She's been in a mental institution" I shuddered and Carlisle sent me an apologetic look before continuing "she has been released, but her care has been placed in the hands of someone else since she is deemed "unable to make her own decisions"

I snarled at the very thought. Bella was no brain dead mass murderer, she was hurt and scarred. That's it.

"Which means" I stopped snarling as Carlisle raised his voice, and I realised I wasn't the only one who was making noise.

"Which means that she will be in the care of the children's home. They must have put her in a children's home for a reason. She may well be up for adoption" He smiled at the thought of Bella as his daughter, by law.

"Do you have the number?" I asked, or more like squealed. I was bouncing in Jasper's lap, probably making him.... uncomfortable. I was past caring. The thought of my sister back home with us. We'd be a real family again.

I watched as he retrieved a piece of paper from his pocket, sitting back down and picking the phone up. All breathing and shuffling stopped as he dialed and waited for someone to pick up.

_"Bridge House, Josh speaking" _The voice from the line sounded young, and like the boy in my vision. A huge smile appeared on my face as I tried not to laugh. Edward, having discovered the same thing as me, covered his mouth to smother his laughter. We both got some strange looks but we waved them off.

"This is Carlisle, does a Isabella Swan live there?" He asked rather out right. I thought he would have waited a while to go in, but.. eh.

_"Yeah, Bella lives here"_Josh said slowly, obviously cautious of what Carlisle knew.

"Sorry, we know Bella. She is like a daughter to me" Carlisle admitted, his eyes softening along with his tone.

_"Wait? Are you... a Cullen? Carlisle Cullen?"_ His tone sounded... excited?

We all looked at each other, frowning. How did this boy know of us?

"Yes" Was all Carlisle could say in reply, and I couldn't blame him. What do you say when a stranger knows your name?

_"Bella's told me about you, how you used to visit her"_ He sounded so happy, like he just found a long lost treasure or something.

_"She misses you, you know. A lot" _He said quietly, his voice more serious.

"We miss her too" I screamed without even thinking about it. A laugh from the phone told me he heard me. I got a disapproving look from Carlisle and a head shake from Esme. The others just smirked at me.

_"Well, you'd better get your asses down here and pronto"_ He chuckled, and I automatically liked this boy. But what did he mean pronto?

"Why? What's wrong?" Carlisle missed the laughs, instantly picking up on the bad. Bella is his daughter, I understood why he was worried, we all were.

_"Nothing, she's... okay"_ He sighed, and I heard a click.

_"You know what she was like in that place?"_ He asked, his voice even quieter.

"Yeah, we saw" Carlisle swallowed, and I saw Edward wince.

_"Well, she's trying to immerse herself in here. She's always doing something, cleaning, playing or... something. I've been there myself, and I know what she's doing. When ever she isn't doing something, she gets all stressed and agitated. But night time is the worst"_ He whispered as if he was in pain.

"The nightmares?" Carlisle whispered back.

_"Only once, but I calmed her down enough so she didn't wake all the kids. It's the crying. Every night when she goes to bed, she cries herself to sleep"_

I stared, horrified at the phone. This wasn't even in Bella's dreams where she couldn't control it. This was Bella when she was awake. She was hurting, alone. And we were here, laughing and joking. Guilt overwhelmed me, and Jasper didn't even try to stop it.

"How is she?" Carlisle's voice sounded constricted, an odd feat for a vampire.

_"Aside from all that?"_ He sighed again _"She's fine. She laughs, talks, eats, plays with the kids, helps out, takes her pills. I planning to take her shopping again soon, she would enjoy that. Maybe she won't threaten me with severe pain this time"_ He chuckled slightly.

We all smirked, knowing that, if it was anything like the last trip, Bella would enjoy herself immensely. It's just a shame she didn't like my version of shopping. It didn't surprise me at all that she threatened him, she still hated shopping. That may have changed now though.

_"Will you be visiting?"_ He asked suddenly.

"Yes. Is... Could we...." Carlisle hesitated.

"_You want to adopt her" _It wasn't a question, but the joy in those five words was unmistakable.

"Is that possible?" Carlisle said slowly and carefully.

"_Of course! I'll make sure of it!" _Why was he going to "make sure of it"? Will he be breaking the rules? Is it not aloud?

"When is the soonest time available for a visit?" Carlisle asked, his eyes lighting up.

_"Well, not tomorrow, we are taking the kids out for the day. The next day? Is that okay?"_ His voice was light and excited again and I found myself smiling.

Everyone turned to me and I immediately searched for the weather. I would have looked for Bella, but it was still an unknown.

"It will be cloudy all day" I chirped happily. Everything was coming back together.

"Yes, that would be perfect" Carlisle spoke with a bounce in his voice, sounding more like me.

_"What time can you come?"_Josh asked, his bubbliness erupting in his voice.

"Any time" Carlisle replied quickly.

_"Well...."_ I felt like we were plotting the third world war or something _"Bella is definitely not a morning person, she gets up quite late. Can you make early morning? About nine?"_

"YES!" We all yelled together, smiling at each other afterwards.

_"I'll see you then, then. This is going to be an amazing surprise! Oh, and when you arrive, just knock on the door and ignore the kids"_ He chuckled at something and they said their goodbyes and put the phone down.

"Two days!" I squealed happily.

"Wait!" We all turned to Rose who looked guilty for spoiling our fun but concerned all the same.

"Bella hasn't seen Alice yet, and I know that she would be.... absolutely thrilled to see you again" She turned to me, seeing my worried face turn into a huge smile. She missed me too! Everyone had told me but I never truly believed it.

"But, we all know she has a few issues with... Edward" She said slowly, looking at Edward.

"I'll stay behind" He said immediately, and my heart warmed. He was sacrificing his chance to see Bella in the flesh, just so all of us could have the chance to bring her home.

"No, if we plan on adopting her into this family... then you'll have to speak eventually" Esme's face crumpled with worry for her two children.

"I can't just turn up out of the blue! I saw what happened when you just mentioned my name!" He yelled, running his hands through his hair with frustration.

"Maybe you could go see her before then" Jasper suggested.

"Oh yeah, just turn up at her window. That won't scare her, especially when she said she was hurt by a vampire!" He yelled again, getting even more frustrated with the situation.

"It would be better for you to see her before we all go, get rid of the shock" Carlisle thought thoughtfully.

"They're going out tomorrow, and that's the only time available" Emmett pointed out.

"Emmett, they're kids. They have early bed times, you'll probably have all evening to sort it out" Rose said, turning to Edward.

"I don't think Bella would appreciate me turning up out of the blue! She hates me!" He yelled, standing up and pacing from the window to the sofa. No-one could deny that she hated him but...

"She loves you too" Jasper told him quietly.

"But does the love over power the hate?" He mumbled to himself as he paced.

"Look, Edward can't just turn up either way, it will just be a repeat performance. So..." I had a light bulb moment.

"Why don't I go before and then Edward can go?" I squealed excitedly.

"Well, she misses me and she'll be happy to see me! I'll be able to get her ready to see Edward" I told them all, watching as their faces turned into smiles again.

"I'M GOING TO SEE MY SISTER TOMORROW!" I screamed, jumping up from Jasper's lap and running around the room, spinning and giggling all the way.

I gasped, stopping suddenly "I'm going tonight" I squealed, launching myself at Edward's tensed arms. He wasn't happy about this.

"Of course I am Alice! How couldn't I be? But..." He trailed off as I pulled away, frowning at him.

"This is your problem Edward, you've always had it and it's quite simple. Have faith in her Edward" I told him softly.

He nodded slightly, a small smile gracing his lips as he pulled me back to him, hugging me tightly.

My whole day was like that. I bounced, I laughed, I smiled, Jasper even tried to calm me down but gave up when he couldn't effect me.

I was back to being me again.

At seven I stood at the door, deciding if I didn't go now it would be too late and she would be asleep.

"I'm going now!" I yelled, giggling when all of my family appeared in front of me, all wearing anxious faces. I knew they wanted to go and see her, but it was my turn now!

"Tell her we love her" Carlisle told me.

"And we love her!"

"We want to see her!"

"We're sorry!"

I backed out the door, turning and running in the direction of Seattle, yelling over my shoulder that I would.

It was an hours run from Forks to the children's home. I stuck to the forest most of the way, having to walk at a human pace once I hit the inner city. I could have gone around, but hat would have taken even longer and I wasn't going to waste any more time.

I looked at a map in a busted up bus shelter, seeing the house was just around the corner. I struggled to remain at a human pace as I ran, but I think I did it with minor blurring.

I stood in front of the house, all the lights at the front of the house were off apart from the hallway once. I listened to the children's heartbeats, telling me that they were asleep. The lack of noise was another indication. Kids always made some sort of noise. I heard three, stronger heartbeats downstairs. They were adults, I could tell that much. But I had no idea if one was Bella or not.

Using my vampire stealth and speed, I zommed around the house, seeing if there were any windows that I could see into. I found one around the left wall and I ducked beneath it before any of them could see me. I felt like a criminal doing this, but I had to know.

I chanced a peek, glad that no-one was looking my way. I watched someones back disappear as the door swung closed, leaving two people in a large kitchen.

Bella was sat with a boy, that I resumed to be Josh.

I have to admit, Bella looked... tired. Her eyes had big blue shadows beneath them, but everything else looked fine. Her hair was still curly and even longer than I remember. She was still thin, too thin if you ask me, but not as thin as when I saw her in the office. I shuddered at the memory.

But the best thing? She was smiling, a true smile. I didn't pay attention to what they were saying, just watching as Bella moved to playfully slap the boy around the head. He retaliated by tugging on one of her curls. They both laughed, and I smiled a truly huge smile. This was amazing.

I ducked suddenly, my smile gone instantly. She'd seen me.

"Bella, what is it?" I heard Josh ask, sounding concerned.

"Oh.... it's.... nothing" She sighed and I sighed too.

"I'm going to go to bed" She said quietly, and I heard a yawn follow quickly after.

"Okay" I could hear the concern lace his voice as he spoke to her. I heard the door click shut and her footsteps as the climbed the stairs. Another, quieter click, and she was in her room.

I raced around the house, finding that another light was on. I scaled the wall easily in a few seconds, peeking into her window and trying to remain hidden.

I could see through the crack in the curtains into her room. It was simple, but bigger than her one in that place. I turned away as she changed, wanting to give her privacy even if she didn't know it was being violated right now.

I heard the mattress springs, and I looked again, seeing her sat on the edge of her bed facing me. If she looked up right now, she's see me.

But she was concentrating on something in her hand. I strained even my amazing hearing to catch what she was saying. I could barely hear it at all.

"You promised you'd come back for me. Where are you?" She whispered, staring at the thing in her hand.

"I need you. I'm falling apart and there's nothing to keep me together anymore. I feel like I'm lost at sea, every thing's so big, so much bigger than me"She said to whom ever she was referring to.

"Please come back and find me. I don't want to be alone" She whispered, her voice breaking. She kissed what ever it was before letting it go. It dropped to her chest, and I saw two pendants on a thin chain. Who gave her those?

She climbed into bed, pulling the covers over her shoulders so that only her head was sticking out. She pulled one side up so that she could lay her head on it, but she didn't close her eyes. I saw them fill with tears and knew that I had to do something now, or she would fall asleep and I would miss my chance.

I knocked on the window gently, trying not to scare her. It was a futile effort. She jumped up, pulling the quilt around her as she shook, her heart beat increasing faster than I thought possible.

"Bella" I tried to say. But you try speaking loud enough for someone to hear you through a window, though quiet enough as not to wake any kids up or alert anyone else to your presence. It's hard.

"Bella, it's Alice" I said louder, hoping she could hear me.

"Alice?" She whispered as though in shock.

If she'd just open the bloody curtains, then she'd see me.

"Bella, I just want to talk to you okay? I've missed you" I told her. I heard her sniff and waited, feeling rather uncomfortable to be dangling from a wall in the evening.

I heard her soft footsteps approach the window, but didn't draw back the curtains. I waited for a moment, seeing if she would have the courage to do it herself. I heard her gulp loudly, but saw the curtains twitch. I waited with bated breath, but nearly lost my grip as she ripped open the curtains, the sudden light blinding me.

"Alice" She breathed, her mouth slightly slack from shock.

I smiled at her "Could you open the window?" I asked, not really wanting to speak to her while hanging on the wall.

She hesitated for a moment, but went ahead and opened one of the big windows, stepping back to I could swing inside. My feet hit the floor with a dull thud, and I waited to see if anyone would hear it and come running, but luckily everyone remained arrogant to my presence in the house.

I turned and closed the window, noticing how cold it was compared to how warm it was in here. I turned back around to see where Bella was. I saw her sat on the edge of her bed, staring at me intently with her eyes wide and her mouth twice the normal size.

I giggled slightly at the image reminding myself to show that one to Edward. I walked towards her slowly, trying not to scare her, but I wasn't sure if she was scared or just shocked.

I knelt in front of her, looking up at her "Bella, it's okay. It's just me"

I saw her eyes once again, fill with tears as she flung herself at me, wrapping her arms around my neck and nearly falling off the bed. I managed to get us both on the bed with Bella now being a dead weight in my arms. She never stopped sobbing, and I couldn't help but let my own sobs escape my throat.

She held me tighter as I began sobbing into her shoulder, as if trying to comfort me. And that was our reunion in a nut shell. We layed on the bed in each others arms for quite some time. Not one word was spoken in that time, but after an hour or so, our sobs quieted and she sat up right, wiping her eyes with her quilt.

"Are you really here Alice?" Her eyes were wide as she stared at me as if I was going to vanish. I put my hand on her arm and nodded.

"I missed you so much Ali" She whispered, more tears staining her cheeks.

"I know, I missed you too, but everyone said to take it slow" I told her, hoping it wasn't too much of a sensitive subject.

She nodded mutely, sniffing a little as she picked at the quilt we were sat on.

"How.... how is everyone?" She asked, looking up at me, her huge brown eyes wide and brimming with tears again. It broke my heart just to look at them.

"Everyones" I hesitated "Everyone's fine, missing you of course. They're so sorry Bella they wanted me to tell you tha-"

"It's okay Alice, it's not like they owe me anything" She shrugged as if she didn't care, but I saw the tear roll down her cheek, and her shoulders trembling with sobs.

"No, Bella listen" I ordered her, glad that she did as I asked.

"Esme said that the only time they wouldn't be there is if they physically can't. And we couldn't Bella. It was too sunny! Of course Jasper and Emmett didn't care about that, but Esme and Carlisle told them that they couldn't risk exposure" I shook my head, recalling the arguments.

I looked up at her, seeing her wide eyes and gaping mouth.

"Why would they do that?" She whispered, not blinking at all as she continued to stare at me.

"Because they love you Bella, and they felt horrible to leave you there" I told her, squeezing her hand as I spoke.

"I missed them so much" She whispered back, her voice cracking.

"We tried to talk to you over the phone, I mean, it was better than nothing. But that bitch wouldn't let us talk to you or Ryan" I said, glaring at the darkness, imagining the woman was in here with us.

"What!? She never said anything to me!"She yelled, standing up in anger.

"Bella!" I whisper shouted, pulling her back to the bed by her wrist "You've got to be quiet, okay" I told her, sighing and releasing her wrist when she nodded.

"We phoned a few days ago, but got a receptionist or someone. They told us about what happened to Ryan and you. He told us where you were, and here I am" I finished, smiling hugely as I bounced on the bed.

I saw Bella's smile disappear momentarily before a fake smile replaced it. What had I said?

I saw her try to smother a yawn, but pushed her under the covers anyway. She pulled me with her, and we ended up laying beneath the covers, which defeats the point of her climbing under anyway, to keep her warm. We faced each other, and I watched her eyes slowly closed.

"Bella?" I hesitated, not knowing if my question would be too obvious. Yes, it would, but I had to know.

She hummed, her eyes never opening, but at least she was listening.

"What sort of family do you want to take you in?" I frowned as I said it. It sounded so much better in my head.

She frowned too, her eyes still closed as she answered "Dunno" She slurred.

"Maybe a family like... us?" I threw caution into the wind, waiting for her reaction.

Her eyes opened slowly, wide and dilated as she stared at me.

"Alice..." She shook her head sadly "I can't..." She took a deep breath.

"I don't think it would be for the best" She said in a huge rushed breath.

"What? Why?" I gasped, slightly hurt. I thought she's be thrilled to have the chance to be with us.

"It would be unfair Alice. I mean, me being there would just make everything and everyone uncomfortable and awkward, and it's wrong because..." She rambled on, her eyes filling with tears once more.

"Bella, what are you talking about? Who would be uncomfortable and awkward?" I asked, nearly smiling, thinking of how absurd she was being.

Her eyes were cast downwards, avoiding my own. This was definately not a laughing matter.

"Edward" Was all the whispered, but I understood. I saw her flinch as she said his name, heard her heartbeat and body temperature spike.

"It's not fair on him Alice. After... well, he got rid of me once. I'm sure he won't appreciate being lumped with me again. Besides, he is your brother, you're his family. You need each other, and you don't need me coming between you all. I don't want to alienate him or push him out and..." She kept on going while I lay there, watching in horror and disgust as she listed all the reasons not to move in with us. All of them boiled down to one thing.

Edward

I was speechless. She loved him, she hated him, yet she didn't want to cause him any discomfort by moving in with him? Why did he have to lie to her?

"Bella! You're wrong" I told her, finally stopping her long winded speech mid flow.

She looked confused for a moment before understanding covered her features. But that soon turned to anger and frustration.

"Alice, I know what you're going to say. I've heard it all before, and I don't believe any of it. Don't even try to pull the "he still loves you" card. It won't work" She said angrily, rolling over and facing away from me.

I huffed in frustration "Bella, please just-"

"No!" She cut off my pleading.

I sighed, knowing from experience how stubborn Bella can be. I hadn't really done much good had I? Still, I wasn't going to let Edward's mess ruin everything I had been waiting for.

I snuggled closer to her, wrapping my arms around her waist, burying my face in my shoulder.

"I'm sorry. I won't mention it again, I promise" I whispered to her, feeling her tense for a moment before relaxing again. The room was silent except from her heart beat and breathing.

"Thank you" She whispered, her heartbeat slowing, signalling that she was falling asleep. I let her go, not wanting to keep her up for any longer than absolutely necessary.

I had some major thinking to do.

But after two hours of lying here, next to a very sleeping Bella, my anger had only grew and I needed to get rid of all of this building inside of me. I may not be big and buff, but I'm still a vampire, and I don't want Bella to be anywhere near me when I let it go.

I slowly retracted my arms from around her, flipping off the quilt and getting off the bed. I waited for a second to see if she would wake, but she slept on peacefully. I turned, saying my silent goodbye as I headed to the window.

I froze, remembering what Carlisle had told me. I quickly found a piece of paper and pen, writing down a note and laying it on her bed side table. He told me that she may think things are not real because of the hallucinations. She needed physical proof. And here it was.

Smiling despite my anger, I skipped over to her side of the bed, kissing her forehead gently before going to the window. I opened the curtains slowly, knowing that everyone was asleep, but not wanting to risk anything.

It was barely light out, but that would work in my favour. I opened the big window, crouching on the frame and taking one last look back at Bella before jumping the two story fall.

I landed in a crouch, but sped off immediately, not wanting to waste any time. My anger pushed me faster and harder than I usually run, and I found myself hitting trees to get them out of the way instead of dodging them.

I immersed myself in my thoughts, recalling everything she had said, only adding petrol to the flames burning within me. The sun was just rising as I saw my home. I knew he could hear me, but made no move to shield my thoughts from him.

Without hesitating, I ran through the door, not even waiting to greet Jasper or Carlisle. I ran up the two flights of stairs, and burst through Edward's door, breaking it in the process.

I stood in the doorway, my body trembling with anger as I looked at him. Edward. He was sat staring at me with a confused expression on his face. That only made me more angry than I was.

He opened his mouth to ask me what I was doing, but I had already launched myself at him, grabbing him by the throat and slamming him against the wall, the plaster cracking under the pressure.

"Alice! What the hell!" Emmett yelled behind me but I didn't turn to look. I could see my eyes mirrored in my brothers. Black.

I growled, loudly and threateningly in his face. Happy and chirpy Alice was gone.

He understood, he stopped trying to fight me as he stared with wide eyes at me.

I knew that everyone was there behind me, watching but choosing not to intervene.

"You bastard!" I screamed at him, my free hand punching him across the face. If I hadn't been holding his throat so tightly, he may have fallen over. I heard Esme gasp behind me, from my words or actions, I'm not sure.

"It's all your fault you fucking asshole!" I snarled at him, letting him see what I was talking about.

"Bella won't let us adopt her" I said as a answer to the others' unspoken question. They all gasped in sadness and shock.

"She wants us to, she missed all of you so much but...." I gritted my teeth.

"Because of Edward. Because she doesn't want to make him uncomfortable and alienate him in his own home. She said that- he got rid of her once, he doesn't want to be lumped with her again. She said that it would be unfair to him if she came here because he needs us. She said she doesn't want to get in the way and push him out. BECAUSE OF HIM!" I screeched.

The room was silent for a moment as I seethed. I tightened my hold on his throat, effectively cutting off his air, not that he was breathing anyway. He saw everything that I had through my memories, his eyes unfocused.

Jasper came up behind me, tugging at my arms to try to release Edward. I gave a good fight, but Jasper sent me calming and persuasive waves and with a few more tugs, he got my hands free and led me to the other side of the room.

As soon as my grip disappeared from Edward's throat, he sagged against the wall, sitting on the floor with his head in his hands.

"Edward, you have to fix this" Carlisle spoke up, his love for his son and daughter battling with each other. He was trying not to blame him, but I could see it in his eyes.

"How? She won't believe me" He pulled on his hair helplessly, looking every day of the hundred years he really is. My anger spiked at his words as Jasper's hold tightened on my waist, holding me as I tried to get to Edward. The urge to tear him apart was increasing..

"Don't you live her?!" I screeched, challenging him. The room held it's breath, watching as Edward's coal black eyes rose to meet mine. He stood in a blur, a growl bubbling from this throat at me. Jasper tried to push me behind him as he crouched defensively in front of me, prepared to fight if necessary.

"Of course I love her Alice" Edward snarled at me, his hands balled up and shaking at his sides.

"Then fight for her! Don't let her get away again and fight! Don't run away again! Stay and be a man! Fight for the woman you love!" I screamed at him, struggling as Jasper grabbed me again, caught between protecting me and stopping me from fighting.

"She won't believe me!" He yelled back at me, Emmett standing between us and putting a warning hand on his shoulder.

"Then persuade her! It doesn't matter how long it takes! She won't believe us because of your stupid lies! Make it right and tell the truth! Don't you dare give up on her Edward, she needs you as much as you need her! So fight!" I screamed, desperately wanting to fight him, which is something I had only felt a few times before.

His eyes slowly turned to gold as he heard my words and I understood. I stepped aside, taking Jasper with me as he was now attached to my waist.

"Go!" I yelled. He didn't need anymore persuasion. He blurred out of the room, his footsteps barely audible as he ran out the door. The house was silent as he disappeared in the night. We remained silent for a moment, taking everything in.

"Are you okay Alice?" Jasper asked, pulling me back so that I was flush with his chest.

"Yeah, I'm fine" I sighed, letting him relax the anger and tension.

"How's Bella?" Esme asked rather hesitantly.

"Bella's okay, from what I saw of her, she looks better, and I saw Josh too. He seems nice" I smiled as I remembered the vision. "We talked for a while and... she's different than she was, but... she's still Bella" I nodded in confirmation to myself.

"There is something else though" I frowned as I remembered it. Carlisle caught onto the frown and quickly realised that it wasn't a good something.

"It was just.... before she knew I was there, I heard her talking and... it was the things that she said" I shuddered as I took my own interpretations of them. She couldn't mean that, could she?

"She said, and I quote- "You promised you'd come back for me. Where are you? I need you. I'm falling apart and there's nothing to keep me together anymore. I feel like I'm lost at sea, every thing's so big, so much bigger than me. Please come back and find me. I don't want to be alone" I finished in a sob as I thought about what she could be meaning.

"Do you think..... that she's talking about... Charlie and Renee?" Emmett gulped as his thoughts were on the same path as mine.

"It could mean anything Emmett, we... we can't jump to conclusions" Carlisle gulped, and it was easy to see he was scared for her too.

"She was holding on to something too, like a neckalace. I've never seen it before" I mused, remembering the two pendants.

No-one spoke for a while, too lost in their own thoughts, frowns marring every ones faces. I sighed as Rose and Emmett departed, leaving Esme and Carlisle sat in Edward's couch. Jasper untucked me from his chest, walking with me out the door.

I got half way down the stairs before I heard Esme's voice floating down to me.

"Don't think you'll get away with it Alice Brandon Cullen, you're paying for a new door!" She spoke in a normal volume but in a mock threatening way. I laughed a little, knowing that it wouldn't even make a dint in the money in the account.

"Yes Mum" I called back as me and Jasper sat on the sofa in each others arm, waiting for Edward to return with the news. Everything was on Edward's persuasion and Bella's stubbornness, depending on which won out. We sat in silence, not needing words to fill the silence. This had become some what of a habit when one of us went to see Bella, we waited.

Soon the others joined us, and they too spoke not a word. We didn't communicate and I deliberately kept out of the future, not wanting to give anyone false hope.

We sat there all night, the only time we actually moved was when the sun rose and shone through the window, causing all of us to look like disco balls. I looked anxiously outside. He wasn't back yet, where was he.

"This must be good mustn't it? That he isn't back? That means that he spent the night and that she took him back" Rose pleaded, looking at each of us in the eye. But another scenario was playing through my mind. Bella rejecting him, and Edward running. With none of us there to stop him, he could run all the way and get what he wanted without interference.

What if he had gone to the Volturi?

Panicking slightly, I tried to focus on getting a vision of him, but came up empty. They couldn't have executed him already could they? No, he wasn't dead. The last thing I told him was to go.

"Relax Alice, listen" Jasper rubbed my arm soothingly and I did as instructed. I listened. I caught the wind whistling through the trees, the stream tinkling as the water ran over the rocks, the snort of a moose and.... footsteps. Footsteps too fast to be any animal or human.

Edward was back.

We all ran to the door, knowing that his expression would say everything. If he had failed or succeeded. We needed to know.

But it didn't matter. If he had failed, we would still get Bella here somehow, it wouldn't stop us. Bella was one of us, and no matter what the price, she would be with us. She belonged here.

She belonged with family.

* * *

**Okay, I know you all hate me, but I've been stuck in a HUGE rut so you can't blame me :(  
Sorry  
I thought I'd make it up to you by having a huge cliff hanger :)  
You'll just have to wait to see the verdict, but don't worry, the wait won't be as long as last time.  
I am back on track now, but I do have heaps of coursework to do for school. :(  
Yippee**

**Talk to me people, I missed all your reviews :)**


	18. A change of Perception

**Disclaimer- I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT**

**Just thought I would clarify that when Alice and the others were talking about Bella's conversation, and they thought about Charlie and where scared. Yes, Charlie and Renee are dead. They think she was talking to them, asking them to come back, and that she wanted to die too. **

**A few people were confused.**

**PREVIOUSLY.............**

_Panicking slightly, I tried to focus on getting a vision of him, but came up empty. They couldn't have executed him already could they? No, he wasn't dead. The last thing I told him was to go._

_"Relax Alice, listen" Jasper rubbed my arm soothingly and I did as instructed. I listened. I caught the wind whistling through the trees, the stream tinkling as the water ran over the rocks, the snort of a moose and.... footsteps. Footsteps too fast to be any animal or human._

_Edward was back._

_We all ran to the door, knowing that his expression would say everything. If he had failed or succeeded. We needed to know._

_But it didn't matter. If he had failed, we would still get Bella here somehow, it wouldn't stop us. Bella was one of us, and no matter what the price, she would be with us. She belonged here._

_She belonged with family._

**NOW........**

**Bella's Perspective**

I think I was handling things pretty well to be honest.

I took care of the kids with Josh and Joyce, and despite being told to keep unattached to them, it was impossible. I lived with them, I could hardly keep myself detached from them.

I quickly gained a few followers to followed me around, two boys actually fought once. When I split them up, they told me that they were arguing about who was going to ask me to marry them first. I was slightly shocked, but I told them that I was already marrying Josh, but I would always love them.

Josh found out and played along, of course we didn't kiss or anything, it was all talk. The kids always made yucky noises when we called each other "honey" or "babe". Joyce wasn't happy with the little joke, saying that we were setting a bad example and encouraging underage sex. Honestly, the oldest was six! They don't understand, and they wouldn't remember anyway!

I made sure to take my pills when prescribed, and I laughed and joked with Josh. But, like there usually was, there was a dark side to my new life.

I couldn't sit still, I couldn't let my mind wander. I had to be doing something, _anything. _If I didn't, I would think about things I shouldn't and no-one wants that. So I kept myself busy with helping and playing with the kids, dressing up and cooking and cleaning. Josh watched me like a hawk but said nothing. I knew he understood, maybe he knew why.

I took him up on his offer and I spoke to him often. I talked about my old life before the accident, about what happened after, and what I want to happen now. Never, had we spoken about the actual accident, but it was mutual. One night, he finally opened up, and I learned about his story.

His father had been a murderer, a rapist and a drug smuggler. His mother, a cocaine addict only kept the baby - him - because no-one would have it.

"I guess they loved me enough not to drown or shoot me" He spat angrily while we were sat at the kitchen table, the kids and Joyce in bed already.

He had told me that they had left him in an apartment while they went for a "trip" for two weeks. He said he thought nothing of it, that they used to disappear all the time and he got used to being on his own. He was eleven at the time, but knew no different, he knew he would get a beating if he tried to escape. He was so terrified of leaving the tiny "home" in case his father thought he had run away, that he didn't even open the door. He ran out of food in the first week and by the second, was too hungry and weak to move.

I felt sick as he told me, it was so detailed, and I knew it haunted him. Those types of things tend to stay fresh in your mind.

I listened to his story in silence, watching and waiting for the time he closed off again like I did. In all of these horror stories, there was a point where they stopped and refused to speak of it further. This appeared to be his.

"My father came home, minus my mother and a few days later someone came in and carted me off to hospital and then here" He concluded, his eyes dark as he lowered them to the table. I remained silent, knowing he was thinking about it and not wanting to be spoken to just yet. I knew there was more to the story. The end was so sketchy compared to the rest, but I let it go. It was obviously hard for him to talk about.

I got up quietly, walking past him towards the door to go to bed. I paused behind him, putting my hand on his shoulder and squeezing slightly. His head rose a little as he felt it.

"I'm here if you want to talk Josh, remember that okay?" I asked quietly. He put his hand on top of mine, nodding as his response.

I left him to think, heading to bed. Maybe in some distant future, my room would be my haven, my home and my little heaven when things looked and felt like hell. But right now, it wasn't anything resembling that. It was my burning pit. It was where I came when I was forced, when I had no other option. It was the only place I allowed my tears to fall, the only time the thoughts that brought them broke free in my mind.

I had no distraction here, nothing to keep me occupied. My tears poured every night, my chest ached with my sobs, sometimes the pain causing me to curl up in bed to try to dispel it. It never worked.

I knew I looked like hell, I felt like hell. My eyes were dark and shadowed by huge purple bags. My skin was a sickly pale white now, my red lips standing out unnaturally, my dark eyes making me seen like a corpse. Josh had asked me once if I wanted to talk about what it, but I told him no. I was mortified enough finding out he had heard me, I couldn't speak to him about it anyway. Vampires wouldn't like their secret being told.

Luckily, I had had only one nightmare whilst here. It was my third night, and I was just getting used to things.

I saw the usual. The blood, the bodies, the blank eyes, I heard the screams, the accusation, the yelling.

I woke up to Josh holding me tightly, shushing me as he rocked me in my bed. I could hear Joyce telling the kids to go back to bed, and I was ashamed. Even kids didn't have nightmares, but I'm an adult now.

The next day, I stayed in my room most of the time, afraid to face Joyce and the kids. I had no idea how Joyce would take it, but she hardly spoke to me, only telling me to do things. She never mentioned the incident and I saw no reason to bring the painful memories to the forefront of my mind.

Josh, I didn't mind. Me and Josh.... we understood one another. We both had stories that we couldn't finish, we had pasts that we would never bring up. We stuck together because we were stronger that way.

My life was going... okay. I was finally living. I had more freedom than I ever had in that place, but I never took it. Call me a hypocrite, but I had grown accustomed to the confinement, and now I wasn't used to the openness I was offered. The only time I went out was in the huge back yard or to go shopping with Josh.

Food shopping was just as good as clothes shopping, bt this time we didn't get thrown out. We managed to be laughing ecstatically at the tills, the young woman eyeing us with a small smile.

I stretched as I looked out the window, rubbing the sleep and horrible crust out of my eyes that comes from crying yourself to sleep. I glanced in the mirror, not wincing anymore as I got used to the person in the mirror. I brushed my hair, tying it up in a loose ponytail at the base of my neck and pulling on some jogging bottoms and a baggy top I had managed to persuade Josh to buy for me.

I trudged down the stairs, automatically taking over the bacon and eggs that were cooking in four frying pans. Josh emerged, smiling hugely.

"Good morning my little ray of sunshine" He literally skipped past me and sat in a chair. It was nice to know I had help.

"I will never know how you can be so happy in the morning" I grumbled, hissing as some oil in a frying pan spat at me, landing on my bare arm.

"It's the beginning of a new day" He stretched in the chair "Besides, now that you're here, I don't have breakfast duty anymore" He smirked and I turned to roll my eyes.

"No, you still have breakfast duty, you just let me do it all for you" I stuck my tongue out at him and he shrugged.

"Same thing" He smirked, keeping it on his face as Joyce walked in, her hair a haystack and her eyes small and watery. I turned to the pans straight away. Joyce was uncomfortable to be around for me. I didn't know how to take her. She treated me like I wasn't here, but other times, it was like I was one of the children.

"Good morning beautiful" Josh said cheerfully, addressing Joyce.

"Shut it before I hit you with the frying pan Josh" She grumbled and I couldn't help but smile at her slow and tired voice. Even I wasn't that bad.

"Bella, go and wake the kids up, it's time for their breakfast. Josh, you look after the breakfast" She ordered. I wiped the smile from my face with a bit of effort, turning and heading for the door, only sharing a small grin of understanding with Josh before I left. Joyce was lazy, I had got that on my second day. She stayed holed in her office for most of the time, but did grace us with her presence at times where food was served.

I climbed the stairs, heading for the first of the eight doors. It was very organised here- eight rooms, three to a room, no mixed genders. That was excluding my room, Josh's and Joyce's room and the bathroom. I knocked on the door quietly, hearing shuffing from inside, I opened the door and turned on the light. The three girls were already up and around, attempting to get dressed.

"Bewwa!" Claire moaned, holding up a pair of trousers towards me as she pouted. I simply smiled, lifting her up and sitting her down on the edge of her bed and slipping them on her. I helped Lizzy into her shirt when her head got stuck, but Jess was ready to go down.

"You can go down now, but walk down the stairs" I called after them, and rolled my eyes as I heard the thuds of them running down stairs. There was no point in telling them anyway, they didn't listen.

It was much the same with the others, help them get dressed, tell them to _walk _downstairs, them not listening. I sighed as I closed the door of the last room. I turned, expecting and not being disappointed to find two boys and one girl standing there staring at me with cheeky smiles.

"Come on Callum" I bent down as he squealed, running for me as I scooped him up and resting him on my right hip, wrapping an arm around him to keep him there. It wouldn't make a difference, the death grip he had on my neck would keep him there anyway. I was glad he hadn't abandoned me, my first friend I had made here.

I felt a tugging and looked down to find Kayla pouting at me. Sighing, I managed to scoop her up too, sitting her on my left hip, her arms wrapped around me neck too as she rested her head on my shoulder. They were heavy, but I couldn't help but smile. I hung around with them too much and I had gotten used to being used as a mule.

"Sorry Tom" I looked to the little boy that was next. His head was bowed, his black hair flopping over his face. "You can have first pick tomorrow, I promise" I whispered, making him look up, his black hair still flopping in his eyes.

"Pwomise?" He asked, his eyes lighting up as he smiled. He was one of the possible "husbands".

"I promise. Hurry, before Joyce gets us!" I squealed, not wanting them to get into trouble for being late.

He ran down the stairs and I sighed, knowing that none of them would ever listen to me. I walked down slowly with Kayla and Callum, both of them now leaning their heads on my neck.

I walked into the kitchen and set them on the floor. As usual, my hands were immediately grabbed and I was dragged to a table. I sat down on one of the tiny chairs with my legs nearly around my chest. I heard a tutting of disapproval, but didn't even look. I knew it would be Joyce. I was used to it.

I ate my bacon sandwich, helping to cut there's into smaller pieces. Breakfast was always a messy experience for the adults. Some had chosen egg sandwhichs, some bacon. Yet I still somehow ended up with egg in my hair, crusty bacon on my arm and the greasy fat all over my hands. One glance at Josh and I couldn't help but smile as I swallowed the last of my bacon. He was the same, only someone had smeared the egg yolk down his face.

When Josh took them into the sitting room to play, I headed upstairs to shower and clean up a bit. I always wore scruffy clothes for breakfast, knowing the risk the good clothes would be put into.

After a short shower, I was clean and dry and newly dressed in jeans and a blue vest top. I headed downstairs, hearing another tut from Joyce's open office doorway as I walked past. She didn't like my clothes, saying that the shirts were too "low cut" to be around children with. It was stupid. The shirt came high on my chest, nothing was showing at all.

I ignored her as usual, heading for the sitting room and nodding at Josh who made a hasty exit to clean up as well. We had a rota of sorts, God knows what he did before. Leave the kids alone? I sank down on the comfy sofa, watching the television whilst keeping an eye on all 24 kids. It was slightly cramped, but it worked.

It wasn't long before I was surrounded my kids, clinging onto my arms and snuggling into my chest and stomach. If I had any fear of children, it was totally gone now. How could anyone not love these kids? It made me slightly angry to think of how they got here. Unwanted, abandoned, abused, unsanitary homes.

"Can you read us a story?" Eric asked, peering up at me from his spot on the floor in front of the sofa. When I first heard his name, I winced, I still do. I learn to contorl it in front of the kids though. The very mention of the name Eric has me remembering...

"Sure, which one?" I asked hurried, shoving those thoughts away before they took hold on my mind.

And that was how my day went. I read to the kids, Josh coming back after twenty minutes and acting out some of the story with the kids, turning into a play with me as a narrator. We went outside and played, but had to come back in when it looked like it was going to rain. I got nine tuts today, which is pretty high up until now. Me and Josh very rarely had any time to relax, but that was how I liked it.

"I'm going out for a moment" Joyce said, poking her head around the door for a second, not even waiting for a reply before she left again. A moment later, there was a thud as the door closed.

We carried on as normal, not having Joyce around didn't mess up our day. The kids barely even knew her.

"Josh! Josh!" I yelled as I heard the phone in her office ringing. I would have gotten it, but I was currently covered in paint from doing finger paintings. It was messy, but loads of fun. All of the 16 girls were sat on the floor on the newspaper I had laid down to prevent the paint from getting on the carpet. Four boys were here too, the others outside playing with Josh.

"Josh! Get the phone!" I yelled. I waited for a reply, but heard none. I sighed, getting up and quickly wiping my hands on a towel before walking into the hallway, poking my head back in.

"I'll be back in a minute!" I called, smiling when none of them even looked up at me. They were so easily amused and entertained.

Damn! Joyce would kill me if I got any paint on her phone. My hands were still covered in it. I walked up to it, debating with myself for what to do. I sighed again, reaching for the phone.

"Bella!" Josh walked in behind me, making me jump back again "I heard you call" He quirked an eye brow.

"Can you answer the phone?" I asked, showing him my hands as an explanation. He smiled and nodded, waving me away. I left the room, going to the kitchen and calling the kids to come and wash their hands for dinner.

I frowned as I heard and saw the office door close. The doors remained opened in the house, apart from when we wanted privacy or if we wanted to keep the kids somewhere without the risk of them running off. I shrugged it off. It must be a private call. I hoped it wasn't from his bastard of a father..

I waited, rather uncharacteristically curious for me, to hear what the conversation was about. He did emerge about ten minutes, a huge grin on his face as he walked straight past the kitchen and out the back door. I heard him calling the kids, and multiple fast footsteps indicating them running. Why were kids so hungry all the time? He began helping them eat their spaghetti, avoiding my eyes.

I waved him over, motioning to the towel on the side, he took it straight away, taking the dirty cups and plates and drying them. Still grinning.

"Okay Josh, what's going on?" I asked him, keeping my voice low as to not attract the children who were screaming and laughing anyway.

"Nothing Bella. Why?" He avoided my eyes, but never stopped grinning.

"You shut the door. You never shut the door, and I've seen you on the phone before. Who was it?" I kept up the questions, determined to get an answer.

He shrugged "Maybe I didn't want any nosy parkers listening" He smirked, flicking some of the washing up liquid bubbles at me, landing on my nose. The kids erupted into laughter as they saw me. I blew upwards, the bubbles flying off my nose and floating onto the kitchen counter.

I grabbed the towel from him, spinning it and whipping him on the thigh. He squealed, rubbing his leg but still smiling. Once again, the kids laughed. Joyce entered a moment later, and the laughter ceased, the kids suddenly intent on their dinner. Both me and Josh turned back to the sink and carried on washing and drying, hiding our smiles.

"Spaghetti? Look at this mess!" She complained. Both me and Josh turned, our smiles disappearing, seeing the kids stop eating and watching her with wide eyes.

"Clean it up!" She ordered before turning around and walking out again. A loud thud told us she had retreated back to her office.

Josh and I sighed, smiling reassuringly at the kids. They began to eat again, albeit slower and quieter than before. I heard her tut before the door of her office closed again.

We helped them with their food, but my mind was buzzing with possibilities. My mind automatically went for the worst case scenario, but I knew the Josh wouldn't be so happy about something bad. It had to be good.

I knew it was about me, why else would Josh not tell me? He told me everything.

We all went into the sitting room after Josh and I hurriedly ate to catch up with the kids, watching television. It may be unhealthy, but it got them unwound from the hyperness they have for the rest of the day. Most of the time they fall asleep right there, me and Josh simply watching the television until one of us spots them.

The room got gradually darker until the only light was from the television screen. It was quiet, the atmosphere cosy and settled.

I felt an elbow in my side and I frowned "Bella wake up, the kids are all asleep"

I opened my eyes, surprised I had even fallen asleep. Only the side of Josh's face was illuminated by the poor flashing lights from the T.V. He motioned to the girl on my stomach snoring softly. I rubbed my eyes, waking myself up.

I picked her up, making her stir slightly. "Time for bed Sarah" I whispered. Her only responce was another snore.

I carried her upstairs and into her room, turning on her light and walking towards her bed, nudging her slightly to wake her up. "Come on Sarah. You can go back to sleep once you're in your PJ's" I promised as I got some from her draw. She simply groaned. I helped her out of her clothes, putting her in her pyjama's. She crawled into bed, her thumb immediately sought out her mouth as she rolled over, grabbing the quilt and pulling it further up her.

I smiled softly before heading onto the landing, intending on going downstairs to help Josh.

I stopped as I stood at the top of the stairs, a line of very slow and sleepy children walking towards me. Josh stood at the bottom, a mere huge dark shadow.

"Just let them get themselves ready" He told me quietly, his voice carrying in the silence in the house. I simply nodded, stepping back as they all went into their own rooms. A series of arguments broke out, a few laughs and "ow's", but after a moment, it was all silent.

I creeped into their rooms one by one to kiss them good night and tuck them in. It was something they had requested of me since my fourth day. Most of them were asleep by the time I got around to them, but I did it all the same.

Finally, I shut off the landing light and headed downstairs, skipping the squeaky step to try not to wake them up. I walked into the kitchen, plonking down on one of the normal sized chairs opposite Josh. He looked as tired as I did.

"I fell asleep too, the little buggers suck the life from you" He joked as he yawned and I couldn't help but laugh softly.

"Quiet! The children are asleep! Don't let me hear you using that crude language Joshua! Remember there are young ears around!" Joyce proclaimed as the walked into the kitchen, producing more noise than me and Josh anyway.

"They're all in bed Joyce" Josh waved her away, yawning again. I stayed out of it.

"I don't care! Mind your language, both of you! Get to bed! You look terrible!" She sneered at me and Josh as we both yawned simultaneously. She turned on her heel and marched out of the kitchen, her heavy footsteps echoing loudly in the house.

"One day I am going to strangle that woman" Josh moaned as he rested his elbow on the table top, putting his head in his hand, looking at me with watery eyes.

"I'll hold her down for you" I smiled.

"We'll bury the body in the sandpit" His smile grew as his eyes lit up. He had a huge imagination, but I didn't mind when we spoke like this. Usually, the thought of killing someone would make me shudder, but the way he said it... I knew he didn't mean it.

"What about the kids? They'll want in on our little plan" I quirked an eyebrow.

"They can distract her" He waved it off, glaring at me playfully.

"If you don't stop doing that I'm going to hit you" He carried on, shifting his glare to something on my forehead.

"What?" I frowned.

"The eyebrow thing. I taught you that! You are totally robbing it from me!" He folded his arms over his chest, pouting like a child.

I laughed, leaning over and smacking the back of his head "You are a total juvenile" I rolled my eyes as I sat back down.

"Respect your elders missy" He tutted, immitating Joyce as he pulled one of my curls, making it straight. It bounced slightly when he let it go. The kids loved my hair, just pulling it softly and watching it bounce back into place. Like they say- simple minds....

I got that tingling feeling on the back of my neck, creeping down my spine. I turned to the window sharply, seeing a blur of black and white disappear from it. I blinked hard, as if I was clearing my vision. I looked back to the window. It was empty, the long alley that runs long the side, leading to the back yard was black.

I shook my head slightly. I was tired, as much as I hated to admit it, I needed to sleep.

"Bella, what is it?" Josh asked. I turned around to face him again, seeing his concerned face.

"Oh.... it's.... nothing" I sighed, taking two more glances at the window to convince myself.

"I'm going to go to bed" I forced a smile on my face, but Josh didn't buy it. I yawned, and I wasn't lying. I needed to sleep before I collapsed on the floor. My problem wasn't the sleep itself, I love to sleep. But I hate _my _kind of sleep. I wake up every two hours or so and it's a fight to get back to sleep. When I wake up, I feel just as tired as I had done before.

"Okay" I could hear the concern lace his voice as he replied. I knew he would be frowning, watching me, but my back was to him as I walked towards the door. The door clicked behind me and I walked up the stairs quietly, crossing the landing and entering my room, closing the door softly.

I turned my light on, immediately going to my window and closing my curtains. I shivered as I remembered the blur... I shook my head. It was in my head, it wasn't real.

Great, so I'm hallucinating again. I need some sleep if I don't want to get carted back to the loony bin.

I quickly changed into a simple pair of lilac pyjama's, matching the walls of the room. I clutched the pendants in my hand as I sat heavily on the edge of the bed, sparing a glance at the curtains before sighing.

The only time I took the pendants or cuff off was when I took a shower or bath, If I was washing pots, I used my other hand. I kept them or near me at all times. For some reason, they kept me grounded. I felt like I still carried Ryan with me, protecting me. The Cullen's keeping an eye on me. I felt safer, comforted when ever I look at them. When I was scared or worried, I would touch them unconsciously to gain the strength I would need.

They kept me sane over the first two weeks.

"You promised you'd come back for me. Where are you?" I stared down at the two beautiful pendants, the unnatural light making them shine in my palm.

"I need you. I'm falling apart and there's nothing to keep me together anymore. I feel like I'm lost at sea, every thing's so big, so much bigger than me" I was speaking with everyone. With Ryan, with the Cullen's, with Jacob, with Charlie. I hoped someone was listening, that someone would help and show me what road I should take.

"Please come back and find me. I don't want to be alone" I whispered, my voice breaking as I spoke the last line to the Cullen's. I knew they wouldn't be anywhere near here. They would be in Forks, living their lives.

I leaned down and kissed both of the gems, letting them drop against my chest, feeling the thud from the weight of them.

I crawled back to the bed, pulling the covers up to my shoulders and ignoring the light that was still on. I laid my head on a corner as I usually did, ignoring the pillows. I knew I would cry tonight, and I didn't want my hair to get wet from the tears that the pillow would soak up. As if on cue, my eyes filled with tears.

My room was empty, and even though it was only small, it made me fell tiny. And the silence.....

I screwed my eyes up against it, trying to hide, to find a place where all that disappeared.

My eyes flew open as I heard a knocking on my window. My body froze, my heart beating double time in my chest. I sat up in bed watching the curtains like a hawk as I clutched the corner of the quilt to my chest as it wrapped around me. Only one type of creature would call on me in the middle of the night. My body began trembling beneath the quilt, fear taking over my mind.

I heard a faint murmur, like someone was talking but it's just noise and you can't make out the actual words. That peeked my attention. None of the bad vamps would wait to talk to me.

"Bella, it's Alice" I heard a familiar voice say a little louder. I couldn't help but gasp.

"Alice?" I whispered, my eyes fixed on the curtains. I couldn't help the tears that fell from my eyes. Alice. My best friend. There was a chance that this was all a dream.... but it was a dream I would welcome with open arms.

"Bella, I just want to talk to you okay? I've missed you" Her voice filtered through the window again and I sniffed, untangling myself from my quilt and making my way to the window. I took hold of the edge of one half of the curtain, taking a deep breath.

What if it wasn't her? What if it was a trick?

But what if it wasn't?

With that in mind, I ripped the curtains away from the window, the outside becoming illuminated by the light bulb that was lighting up my room. The alley below my room glowed slightly, but I didn't even blink at that.

There, outside my window, clinging on to my window sill while squinting from the light, was Alice. My best friend.

"Alice" I breathed, staring at her in shock. She was here. Her black spiky hair, her golden eyes, her glowing pale skin. She was Alice and she was here!

And her smile! "Could you open the window?" She looked around a little and I hesitated. What if it was a shape shifting vampire? It is definitely possible that it could be, but....

It was Alice!

I opened the window wide, stepped back to let her in. She jumped in, stiffening for a moment before turning and closing the window. I shuffled backwards until the back of my legs hit the side of my bed and I dropped onto it, staring at Alice's back.

She was really here.

She turned, her eyes going around the room before settling on me. She giggled at me, no doubt at my less that attractive expression. She walked towards me slowly, as you would a cornered animal.

I merely followed her actions as she knelt in front of me, her eyes wide as she stared up at me. "Bella, it's okay. It's just me"

My eyes filled with tears as I launched myself at her, wrapping my arms securely around her neck. I felt her lean back slightly as if shocked, but she pulled me onto the bed as my butt was about to fall off. I honestly didn't care.

She was here!

I couldn't help but sob. She was here! My best friend! Here!

I clutched her tighter as I felt her tiny body trembling and shaking, sobs escaping her too. She buried her face in my shoulder and sobbed as I held her tightly to me.

I took in her scent, threatening myself with mutilation if I ever forgot it. We were nigh hysterical. I couldn't stop, but for once my sobs weren't because of pain or sadness. They were tears of happiness.

It was only after an hour that we began to calm down enough to be coherent. I sat up, taking my arms back and immediately missing the contact as I wiped my eyes on the edge of the quilt.

What if this was just an hallucination? The blur was, this could be the same....

Unless Alice was the blur....

"Are you really here Alice?" I stared at her pleadingly as she placed her hand on my arm and nodded, her spikes bouncing slightly with the motion.

"I missed you so much Ali" I was unable to keep the tears away or raise my voice to much more than a whisper.

"I know, I missed you too, but everyone said to take it slow" She seemed hesitant.

I simply nodded in understanding. I sniffed as I picked at the quilt, unsure of how to ask my question.

"How.... how is everyone?" I watched her for her response, tears still threatening to fall down my cheeks. Her eyes zeroed in on them too and she looked heart broken. I made an effort to push them back for her sake.

"Everyones" She seemed to hesitate "Everyone's fine, missing you of course. They're so sorry Bella they wanted me to tell you tha-" I cut her off, not wanting her to start making excuses.

"It's okay Alice, it's not like they owe me anything" I shrugged, glad my voice showed none of the pain that ripped through me to say that. The tears I had pushed back escaped as one ran down my cheek, my body trembling as I struggled to keep my sobs in check.

"No, Bella listen" She told me strictly and I couldn't help but do so. You don't mess with Alice.

"Esme said that the only time they wouldn't be there is if they physically can't. And we couldn't Bella. It was too sunny! Of course Jasper and Emmett didn't care about that, but Esme and Carlisle told them that they couldn't risk exposure" She frowned as she shook her head. I was bewildered to say the least.

"Why would they do that?" I whispered, slightly awed that they would risk their existence for me.

"Because they love you Bella, and they felt horrible to leave you there" She squeezed my hand slightly. When did she take my hand? Pay attention Bella!

"I missed them so much" I whispered, my voice trembling and cracking with the truth of my statement.

"We tried to talk to you over the phone, I mean, it was better than nothing. But that bitch wouldn't let us talk to you or Ryan" She told me, her eyes growing darker as she glared into a corner of the room. She actually looked like a vampire in the moment.

"What!? She never said anything to me!" I couldn't help my voice raising into a yell as I jumped up. She made me think they had abandoned me, and they had been trying to contact me all that time!

"Bella!" She whispered, tugging on my hand to get me to sit down again. I plopped back down again, my anger simmering.

"You've got to be quiet, okay" She sighed and I nodded once I saw the worried look she gave the door. Alice could not be discovered in my bedroom. Too many unanswerable questions.

"We phoned a few days ago, but got a receptionist or someone. They told us about what happened to Ryan and you. He told us where you were, and here I am"She actually bounced as a smile took over most of her face.

But my face fell. I can't help but feel guilty for Ryan getting the sack. He lost his job because of our closeness. My hand went for the pendants like I usually would have done, but Alice still clutched it.

I saw her worried face and pasted a fake smile on my face.

Unfortunately, my little adrenaline rush from the temporary fear had gone now and exhaustion was prominent in my body and mind. I tried to hide it, but Alice being Alice, pushed me under the covers anyway. Of course, I pulled her with me making sure she was there before laying the quilt over us. I was not going to let her go.

She faced me, and we stared at each other for a moment as I tried to memorize her face. It was impossible. Such perfection and beauty could never be copied.

I mentally cursed my eyes as they slipped shut of their own accord.

"Bella?" Alice's voice sounded hesitant as she spoke, her wonderful scent wafting over to me as she breathed.

I merely hummed to show I was listening, failing to open my eyes..

"What sort of family do you want to take you in?" She sounded unsure of herself.

I frowned as I thought how random that was. How did she even know I was going up for adoption?

"Dunno" My voice was heavy and slurred with exhaustion.

"Maybe a family like... us?" She seemed to halt her breathing after she spoke.

I opened my eyes slowly, looking at her wide eyes and worried expression. She couldn't mean what I thought she did..... did she? No, she couldn't. Impossible. Still, I had to clarify it just in case.

"Alice..." I shook my head as I thought of how much fun I could have. I could have a mum and dad, I could laugh with Emmett and Jasper. My life would be amazing. I would finally be with my family.

Knowing that, it broke my heart to say it. "I can't..." I took a deep breath.

"I don't think it would be for the best" I rushed as if it would fend off the pain.

I watched her expression change to one of hurt and desperation.

"What? Why?" She gasped, her eyes filling with tears that would never fall.

"It would be unfair Alice. I mean, me being there would just make everything and everyone uncomfortable and awkward, and it's wrong because..." I began to ramble, avoiding the true reason. I knew from the look on Alice's face that she knew it too.

"Bella, what are you talking about? Who would be uncomfortable and awkward?" She had the ghost of a smile on her face and I looked down at the matress between us. I hated to be the one to make that smile disappear.

But she deserved an answer, a real one.

"Edward" I whispered, but still winced as the pain shot through me, my heart beat increasing as usual, my palms sweating slightly.

"It's not fair on him Alice. After... well, he got rid of me once. I'm sure he won't appreciate being lumped with me again. Besides, he is your brother, you're his family. You need each other, and you don't need me coming between you all. I don't want to alienate him or push him out and..." I told her, and I know I was rambling, sounding like an idiot right now, but I had to make her see.

I couldn't. I couldn't live in the same house as him. Not knowing I wasn't enough. That may not be the case for the others, but Edward had told me straight to me face that I wasn't good enough. I was only human after all.

I traced circles in the mattress, keeping my eyes from Alice. She was quiet, which concerned me slightly. Alice was never quiet, and when she was, it wasn't good. I refused to look up and see her expression.

I knew she would be confused by it all. It was obvious, even to me, my contrasting emotions. I could easily hear in my tone, the love as I spoke his name. But the venom and hate also radiated from me as I spat certain comments.

I felt guilty and angry. Guilty because I was hurting Alice and the others by refusing, and angry at Edward for him getting in the way of me and my family being together. Angry at myself for being too much of a coward to face him.

Surely I could face him for the sake of me and my family.

But the sad and pathetic truth is that I couldn't. Just because Edward was there, I would give up my hopes of having a family again.

"Bella! You're wrong" She interrupted my basically hysterical jabbering, and I looked up at her confused.

She could hardly take any of it back. He would hate to have me there. I knew it, she knew it, and he knew it.

Realisation hit me and I scowled at her "Alice, I know what you're going to say. I've heard it all before, and I don't believe any of it. Don't even try to pull the "he still loves you" card. It won't work" My words were full of anger as I rolled away from her, slightly guilty. Edward was once again ruining my reuinion with my family. I knew my anger was misplaced, but I had heard the same thing so much that I didn't want to hear it anymore.

I heard her sigh loudly behind me "Bella, please just-"

"No!" I said sharply, more sharply than I have ever spoken to her.

I heard her sigh once more before she shuffled closer, wrapping her arms around me and resting her head in my shoulder again. I felt guilt hit me again. Alice didn't deserve to be vented at.

"I'm sorry. I won't mention it again, I promise" She whispered and I tensed slightly before relaxing.

We settled into silence and I could feel sleep creeping up again.

"Thank you" I whispered before I was too far gone and I was still incoherent. She didn't reply, or she did and I didn't hear it. I was out quickly, letting her cold arms fend off the nightmares.

But the cold arms couldn't keep the nightmares away like I thought they would.

My dreams remained innocent enough for a while, but the familiar feeling entered my subconscious and I knew what was going to happen. I tried to wake up, I needed to wake up, but I was trapped here inside my own head.

_I was in the kitchen in the children's home, the sun shining through the window showing Josh standing opposite me with a sneer on his face._

_"And I thought I could help you. You're a monster. I hate you" He spat before turning and walking out of the door._

_I felt the tears running down my cheeks as I chased after him. I ran into the sitting room, searching for him but froze. The children were all there, on the floor, bleeding and mangled. Callum, Kayla, Tom, Nick....._

_All of them._

_My hands began shaking and I looked down at them. They were covered in blood. no matter how many times I saw it, it still horrified me._

_I backed away from them but spun as my back hit something hard._

_Joyce stood in front of me as disgusted curl to her lips "You killed them. You knew what would happen and you didn't care. Murderer" She sang as she smiled, walking away through the kitchen._

_I screamed as I shook. Not the children. No._

_I ran blindly down the hallway and out the front door, sobbing. _

_When my eyes were come what clearer and I looked around me, I was in the forest once again. _

_No. Not this. Not again._

_The bodies were there again, glassy eyed and slack faced. Covered in blood, their mouths open in silent screams, their hands and legs twists in groteque positions that were in no way natural._

_I sank to my knees, weak and tired. _

_"Bella" The velvety voice spoke above me and I looked up on reflex. There he was in all his glory. Edward._

_No witty remark left his mouth, no sneers, no laughter, no hatred. His eyes were full of some emotion as they stared into mine, his face void of emotion, yet it wasn't a mask. It was more like he was caught between several emotions._

_"This isn't real Bella. You have to wake up" He told me, his voice smooth and gentle, almost lost in the silence. I gaped as he offered me his hand to help me stand. _

_What do I have to loose?_

_I lifted a shaking hand up, seeing that the blood was now gone, leaving my pale skin free from the ugly stain. I put my hand in his and he held it gently as he pulled me to my feet, wrapping an arm around my waist as my legs shook._

_He pressed me to his chest, taking a deep breath as though savouring my scent._

_Just one moment and it will all change...._

_It didn't._

_"Wake up Bella" He pulled back, holding my face between his frigid hands as his eyes bore into mine. Tears ran down my face as I admired his beauty._

_"Please Bella" His eyes seemed to smoulder as he begged "Wake up" He whispered, his voice broken and desperate._

_I closed my eyes as he held me to his chest again, taking a deep breath of his scent._

I opened my eyes and blinked several times to clear my vision. I was confused as I frowned into the darkness.

Since when was Edward a good guy? He was usually the one who starts it all off. Since when does he save me, and since when can I wake up before the nightmare ends?

I could feel my body shaking beneath the covers and I took several deep breathes, wondering if Josh or anyone had woken up. I knew if I screamed it would have definitely woken them up. Did I even scream?

Another thought struck me as I looked around a little. Where was Alice? She probably went home when she got bored of me sleeping.

"Bella?" A velvety voice spoke from the darkness.

I couldn't help but freeze, my body locking down on me as my heart beat quickened. Instinct.

"Bella are you okay?" He asked again but I didn't reply. How could I? He was just a hallucination anyway.

I remained silent, my body betraying me as it shook, I kept my eyes on the exact same spot all the time in the darkness.

"Bella please talk to me. Just say something. Anything" He begged, his voice back to being desperate.

"I don't talk to hallucinations" I spoke, my voice shaking as I did so. I really should have taken some pills before I went to bed.

Wait... does that mean that Alice wasn't here either? Had I really imagined all of that?

Tears sprang into my eyes as I realised it was too far fetched to be real. Alice... here? And now Edward?

First, he wouldn't come here anyway. He has no obligation towards me, he doesn't even love me. There was no way this was real.

"Bella, you aren't hallucinating. I'm really here" He spoke, his voice low and.... dejected?

"No. Edward would never come and see me" I told him, feeling the fear leaving me gradually, hallucinations can't hurt me. I have hallucinated that Edward was there before, but he was glaring and screaming at me then. I guess not talking to hallucinations was out of the window.

I heard the bed springs squeak, my bed side lamp turning on a moment later. I squinted as I was temporarily blinded by it. Once I was used to it, I rolled over.

And there he was. Edward, in all of his chiseled glory. The light shone on his face, darkening one half but lighting the other. He was watching me with light golden eyes, wide and full of love. That was why this couldn't be real. Edward would never look at me like that again.

I sat up, crossing my legs and leaning back against the head board, watching him as he watched me. He was perched at the end of my bed on the very edge.

"Bella, I'm real" He assured me, shuffling into the middle of the bed and mimicking my pose, our knees almost touching. Of course they would never touch, he wasn't real. I felt cold though, the closer he got.

_Illusion. You know what you should be seeing and feeling if he was here, and your mind is making up for it _I thought agreed with myself.

I simply shook my head at him. I really have outdone myself this time, he looks prefect.

"How else could I turn on the light?" He asked, motioning to the object that was lighting the room. I turned to it, frowning. He did have a point.

I shrugged. He wouldn't win because I was right.

"If I'm not real, touch me" He told me, his voice soft as he asked. His expression was neutral but his eyes blazed with emotion. He held out his hand palm up, towards me halfway, waiting.

I hesitated for a moment, the thought that he _is _really here crossing my mind, but I shoved it away. No.

I raised my hand and extended it, watching it as it continued to shake. I let my hand hover centimeters above his before dropping it.

The world stopped. My heart stopped. Everything...... just froze for that moment as my hand lay on top of his, our skin nearly matching in colour now. The tingling that always used to come with touching Edward made its way up my arm.

I stared at our hands, willing mine to pass right through it, but it didn't. The hand was solid, cold and hard. So, the body attached to the hand must be solid. Which means that.... Edward is really here.

"No" I shook my head as my voice cracked, yet I never removed my hand from his. His eyes remained trained on mine, waiting for something.

"This is.... impossible" I whispered, my voice feeble as I choked the words out.

His huge hand slowly grasped mine gently in his, squeezing slightly. My eyes widened as the electricity pulsed through me fiercer like it had done that first time in Biology. It was still there.

"It's not. I'm here Bella" He whispered. I resembled a fish in that moment as my mouth opened and closed, luckily Edward had the decency not to laugh.

"But..... how...." Tears sprang into my eyes. First Alice.... now Edward. Everything was too much.

"No. This is not happening" I took my hand back, holding it to my chest as I got off the bed and walked backwards, keeping my eyes on him. I touched my hand with the other, jumping slightly as I felt the coldness of it.

He remained on the bed, but he turned to face me, his eyes never moving from me.

"Why... why are you here?" I stuttered out, sounding like an idiot, but in that moment I didn't care.

He hates me. I ruined his life. I was a game, a joke. I meant nothing to him, and I never will.

"Because I couldn't stay away any longer" He sighed, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed and running a hand through his hair, messing it up. I watched the light hit the bronze locks, turning them beautiful shades of gold and red. I pulled myself away from those thoughts.

I would not let myself get hurt again.

"Couldn't stay away?" I whispered, desperately wanting to be somewhere where I could scream at him. This made no sense!

"You were the one that left! No-one dragged you away, no-one forced you! You turned around and ran away!" My voice was getting louder and louder and I bit my lip to stop it from getting any worse. No need for Joyce to burst in.

"I thought I was doing the right thing..." His eyes pleaded with me, I barely caught his whispered admittance, but I refused to be moved by it anymore. He was a liar, a monster. Just not in the way he thinks he is.

"The right thing?! Like making a joke of me?! Pretending and acting for me? Did you finally grow tired of the game of "hurt the human"? Did you want something more than a breakable, fragile human?!" I glared at him before turning around, finding that I was at my window. The curtains were open, the large window open too from where he had climbed in.

"Why?" I whispered as I watched the empty alley "Why did you hurt me? Was it all just.... just a game to you? Was it all for fun? If you knew what you were going to do, why did you start anything in the first place? Why didn't you just leave me be?" I whispered, hating that I was crying in front of him.

_No. He should see the pain I feel. _I mentally snorted at that _This was nothing. If he wanted pain, he should have seen me at the beginning._

"Bella, none of it was a game. None of it was an act or a joke. I didn't plan any of this" He whispered back, sounding louder. He was closer to me, having moved silently from the bed.

"What, so it was a spur of the moment thing?" I spat out despite the pain that was making its way through my chest. I found my arms wrapping around my torso, but made no move to stop it.

I hadn't done this in a while, but I needed to hold myself together. He was here, behind me. He was telling me it was all lies, but which ones? The whole "love" thing, or the leaving me part?

"No. When I fell in love with you I-" He began but I made some indescribable noise as the pain ripped through me. Love. He had never loved me. All lies. All an act.

I felt my knees hit the wooden flooring, I heard the thud, but I didn't pay any attention. In that moment, I didn't care that Edward was stood right behind me as I fell apart. I thought I was past this, I thought I was stronger.

He was breaking me down, tearing at my defences.

I clutched at my chest so tightly that I was finding it hard to breath. God, the less I breathed, the less it hurt.

"Don't-" I choked out "Please. Don't" I sobbed as I leaned forward, my forehead nearly touching the floor as the agony ripped through me.

"Bella!" I heard his frantic voice and a thud near me. Why was he so worried about me? He didn't care.

"Why are you here?" I choked out, my voice horrible and scratchy.

"To fix everything. I lied that day Bella. I lied. I have always loved you, always" He sounded as broken as I felt.

I raised my head and turned to find him. He was sat against the wall, his knees to his chest, his eyes dark as he stared at me. I sat back on my butt, shuffling to the wall under the window so I was sat directly opposite him. I mimicked his pose, my arms remained around my chest as I stared at his eyes as they filled with moisture.

He was crying? Or, at least the vampire equivalent.

"After.... after what happened with Jasper, I saw how dangerous it was for you to be near us. I had to do something before there was another accident and you.... we weren't able to control ourselves" His eyes burned into mine, his voice oddly gravelly for a vampire.

Honestly, I had seen this before. The eyes, the tortured expression, the tears, the huge shadows under the eyes, the position on the floor.

Me. This was what I was like, that I am like.

"I hated myself, I still do. It killed me to see your pain that day, it killed me to say what I did. I can't believe you accepted it, you never questioned it at all, I saw it in your eyes. You believed every word I said" His voice took on a whiny quality before he choked off in a sob.

Tears ran down my face silently, I made no noise. I don't think my throat would work.

"I... I was dead. Like I had left my heart and soul behind, like I had torn them to shreds. I was a coward. I ran away from you, from my family and I hid. I wallowed in my own self hatred instead of doing something about it. And you paid for it" His voice broke on the last sentence as he grabbed a handful of his hair in his fist, screwing his eyes up tightly.

"All of this.... this mess. It's all because of me and my mistakes. Everything, all your pain..." He let out a choked sob as he rocked slightly back and forth.

I had never seen him.... so vulnerable. So.. human. He was always so strong, so determined but not now. He looked broken, hurting.

I listened to what he said. I took it in. But did I believe it?

I liked it more than the alternative, but I have been living with this for quite some time now and... any alternatives were just irrelevant.

"You don't believe me do you?" He whispered as though he was pain.

I ached to comfort him, he hold him close and tell him it will be alright. But I can't. Because he isn't mine anymore, because I wasn't sure if everything will be alright.

"I don't know what to believe anymore" I whispered, my voice oddly even despite my tears.

He simply nodded, getting up and walking towards me. No, towards the window.

I stumbled as I stood, not moving away from him or the window. He came to stand in front if me, his hand raised slightly as if to touch me, but he let it drop back to his side again.

"I'll leave" He whispered, gazing at me longingly before disappearing in a blur.

That was it. He left. He ran away again. He left me here, on my own to pick up the pieces he had torn up. Me.

I crashed to the floor once again, not even attempting to keep my sobs quiet. The pain tore through my chest as I curled up on the floor.

I can't do this again. I can't take the pain, not again. Never again.

My thoughts got into dangerous territory then, thinking of ways out. Ways to escape the pain.

But the most sick thing... I was glad I saw him. I was happy I had spoken to him. I loved him, despite everything.

More tears cascaded down my cheeks and into my hair, pooling on the floor as I realised it was a one sided love. I tightened my arms around me, desperately trying to drive away the thoughts and pain.

I was suddenly behind held softly, arms around me as we rocked. I knew Edward's scent automatically as he raised one hand to gently hold my face to his chest as I cried.

I was vaguely aware of him sitting on my bed, me cradled in his arms. I didn't care enough to notice.

"You came back" I choked out.

I felt his chest contract beneath me "I'll always come back, but only when you want me to. No matter how long I leave, I will always come back for you" He whispered into my hair as he rocked us back and forth, both sobbing.

I didn't have the strength to push him away or fight him. He was here. Here, in my room.

All the things I planned on saying if this would ever happen, all the insults and curses I would hurl at him. It all went out of the window. Because no matter how much I hated him for what he did, I still loved _him._

"I hate you, you know" I choked out as he stroked the side of my face with his thumb, trying to soothe me. He stiffened for a moment, his chest expanding and dropping as he sighed heavily.

"But I love you as well" I sobbed, simply for how stupid the situation was. He continued his rocking, now making shushing noises to try to calm me down.

"I know it's fucked up" I laughed a little as I cried and he continued to stroke my face again.

"What isn't anymore?" He sighed as I felt him bury his face in my hair.

"Bella, I need you to listen to me" He asked more than demanded, never letting me go in any way. My tears continued, but I knew no coherent answer would leave my mouth so I remained silent, waiting for him to continue.

"I know what happened with Esme and Carlisle when they mentioned me, I know how you don't believe any the family about me and my feelings for you. I know I have hurt you so much, that I don't and probably never will, have your trust. I know you hate me, I do too. I know you suffered for my mistakes" He sounded on the verge of sobbing, but I let him get it out. He sounded so tormented and.... broken. Just like... me.

"But I don't know so much anymore. I don't know about you, I don't know how to make it up to you, I don't know if you can ever love me the same again, I don't know if I can go on if you don't. I don't know what happened that night, I don't know if I could have stopped it, I don't know if you even want me here" By now he was sobbing, horrible heart wrenching sobs. No matter how you don't like someone, it still hurts to see them in pain.

"And I'm useless. I don't know what to do. I'm lost. I lost you, and I don't deserve to ever get you back. But I'm nothing without you. I'm a shell of a man, a shame and a disgrace. It's you... you make me... me. You complete my heart and my soul" I felt him kiss my head as he continued to rock us, tears still falling on him, hitting his arm.

"I thought you believed you didn't have a soul?" I squeaked, randomly.

"I didn't, but I realised something. You have to have a soul to love someone, you have to have a soul to feel the pain of loosing the one you love. I felt both, and I know I have a soul. It would never hurt so much if I didn't" He admitted.

I had no idea what to say. Yes, I loved him, but.... I can't.

"Edward" I internally rejoiced as the pain receded now when I said his name "I... I don't know what to believe anymore. How do I know what's real and isn't? I won't set myself up to be hurt again, I couldn't take it again. I can't trust you. No, I do trust you, but I won't let myself trust you" I took a deep shaky breath.

"I've lost everything Edward. My home, my family, my friends, I even lost my freedom. I....I'm just getting back.... I don't... I don't want to..." couldn't finish my sentence as sobs took over and my throat constricted.

"I'm not asking for you to take me back Bella. I'll understand if that can never happen. But... just don't think I don't love you. I can live again if I know you know. I can only imagine how hard this is for you, starting again and I don't want to ruin it for you" He kissed my forehead and I couldn't help but sigh.

Did I believe him? I wasn't sure. But there was a chance he would be in my life again, would I take it?

"Bella, I have a request" He asked suddenly, breaking me from my thoughts. I hummed slightly.

"Please don't punish yourself and the family because of me. You have no idea how excited they were when they found out they could adopt you, but when you said no...." He trailed off.

"I know I hurt Alice by saying what I did" I whispered brokenly, remembering her expression.

"I know you love them Bella, and they love you more than anything in the world" He took a deep breath as if to steady himself.

"If it makes it any easier Bella... I'll leave. You can move in and I'll go away for a while" His voice was small but... strong.

I was slightly shocked "No, don't! We can... we can make it work. It'll be okay" I told him, and myself.

"Why are you comforting me?" He laughed slightly and I basked in it. His laugh was like the first summer morning of the year. Beautiful, and it never happens often enough.

"Habit" I smiled slightly but he couldn't see it.

"Please give the others a chance" He begged, as if I even thought of saying no.

"Of course I will, I love them too" I sighed as my eyes slipped shut, leaning on him fully, letting his scent and coolness soothe me and my eratic emotions.

"Sorry, me and Alice have kept you up all night" He whispered, kissing my forehead again.

"'S, okay. I have a question" I slurred out, trying to stay awake.

"Go on" He told me, playing with my hair. I had to concentrate to actually remember where and who I was. I had longed for his touch for so long.

"Where you here when I was asleep?" I asked, trying to peel my eyes open, but I found myself unable to move them.

"Yes. I arrived just before your nightmare started. I tried to wake you up but..." He trailed off, sounding unsure of himself again.

"I can't wake up from the nightmares. Well, apart from tonight. What did you do? It didn't even end, I woke up before the bad stuff began. Why didn't Josh come in? Did I even scream?" I rattled off questions, only halting when he chuckled, his chest vibrating beneath me.

"Okay. First, I... at first I wasn't sure what I should do, but it got worse and I just... held you. It seemed to calm you down. You were crying and thrashing around though, you didn't scream loudly, it wasn't loud enough to wake anyone up anyway. I asked you to wake up, and you calmed down even more, even stopped crying" His voice was quiet, as though he was ashamed of himself.

"But... when I woke up, you were no where near me" I frowned.

"I heard you heartbeat increasing and I knew you would be waking up soon. I wasn't sure what your reaction to waking up in my arms would be, so I backed off" He admitted and I hummed in understanding. That would not have gone down too well.

"What happened Bella? You were so upset and scared" He started to rock me again. I didn't tell anyone about my nightmares, they revealed too much about what happened.

But this was Edward. I have no idea what we are now... friend? siblings? But he shared my pain, whether it was for the same reasons or not. I felt a connection to him that was never present before, something deeper.

"I was here, in the kitchen downstairs" I took a deep breath "Josh was there too, and he called me a monster, saying that he hated me. I tried to follow him but walked into the sitting room. The kids..." I choked off, burying my face in Edward's chest.

"They were all dead. On the floor. I... I was covered in blood. I'd done it, I'd killed them. I tried to run but Joyce stopped me and called me a murderer. And... ran. I ran out the door but..."

I stopped, wondering if I should continue. If I did, would he figure out what happened?

_What, from a forest? So he figured it happened in the forest, he would no nothing else. He knew about the forest anyway from the reports. That was where the others bodies and I were found._

"I ended up in the forest again, and everyone was there. Mike, Jess, Jacob, Renee, even Alice and Carlisle" My throat closed as I remembered their faces. The blank eyes.

"And I knew it only a matter of time before the bad stuff starts. But... it didn't. You appeared next to me and told me that-" He cut me off.

"It wasn't real and what you have to wake up?" He asked, sounding rather surprised.

"Yeah" I sniffed "It was weird. Most of the time you're yelling at me or trying to kill me. But... you picked me up and hugged me tightly. I think you actually sniffed me too" I mused, sniffing again.

"You asked me to wake up again, and then you begged. You just hugged me again. I closed my eyes, trying to wake up, and when I opened them I was awake" I concluded, my voice rather whimsical. I never understood how I remembered my nightmares, people can hardly ever remember their dreams.

Unfortunately, I always remember mine.

"Don't forget, you sniffed me too" I heard the smile in his voice and blushed.

Wait, I blushed? I haven't blushed, seriously blushed.... since he left. I gasped lightly as I felt his fingers on my face.

"You have no idea how much I've missed that" He whispered, his voice gentle.

"You need some sleep Bella" He sighed as my eyes closed again. He shifted around a bit and my head met the pillow as my back hit the matress. I kept a handful of his shirt, forcing my eyes open to look at him.

He couldn't leave. Not again. What if I wake up and he isn't here? What if it isn't real?

"Bella" I was shocked back to reality, and I felt two cold hands on either side of my face, forcing me to look at him as he laid beside me.

"Don't leave me again" I whispered, my eyes filling with tears.

His eyes changed, they grew harder, his jaw taut and I worried I have offended him.

"I'm not going anywhere Bella" He told me fiercely and I couldn't help but nod. He sighed, his eyes softening as removing his hands from the sides of my face to tuck a stray lock of hair behind my ear.

"You've grown into a beautiful woman" He whispered as my eyes slipped shut. I snorted lightly. Beautiful? No. My translucent skin and purple and black shadowy eyes, my stick thin arms and legs and flat chest? Not beautiful.

"You really have no idea" He sighed. I hummed as I snuggled into the pillow. I felt the quilt being placed over me and I sighed again.

"What are they Bella? The pendants around your neck?" Edward asked quietly. My brain was slow thanks to the sleepiness. It took me a while to remember what he was talking about.

"Ryan gave them to me before I left. They mean strength and courage, they help me like the cuff does" I slurred, my voice getting quieter and quieter.

One of the things I hate about sleep, is that you loose all sense of time. It may have been hours, or even a second later that I felt Edward scoop me up and lay me on his chest. I smiled as I got comfy, glad that the quilt wasn't between us.

"Sorry, I just couldn't be so close and not...." He trailed off again, his fingers running through my hair gently.

"S'okay" I smiled, snuggling into a rather comfy part of his chest. I felt his arms wrap around me and I felt... secure and safe. I knew nightmares would stay away now, and for the first time, I didn't cry myself to sleep.

Instead, I drifted off listening to Edward humming my lullaby.

Did I trust him? I wasn't sure. Did I love him? Yes. Was I willing to put up with the confusion and frustration that comes with the two together, for the sake of my family?

Yes

* * *

**So, there you go. Sorry if it wasn't how you wanted it. I went over it three times, adding bits.  
:)**


	19. Time To Wake Up

**Disclaimer- I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT**

**PREVIOUSLY.............**

_One of the things I hate about sleep, is that you loose all sense of time. It may have been hours, or even a second later that I felt Edward scoop me up and lay me on his chest. I smiled as I got comfy, glad that the quilt wasn't between us._

_"Sorry, I just couldn't be so close and not...." He trailed off again, his fingers running through my hair gently._

_"S'okay" I smiled, snuggling into a rather comfy part of his chest. I felt his arms wrap around me and I felt... secure and safe. I knew nightmares would stay away now, and for the first time, I didn't cry myself to sleep._

_Instead, I drifted off listening to Edward humming my lullaby._

_Did I trust him? I wasn't sure. Did I love him? Yes. Was I willing to put up with the confusion and frustration that comes with the two together, for the sake of my family?_

_Yes_

**NOW........**

**Edward's Perspective**

I was high. That was the only logical explanation for the feelings I was experiencing. The fact that vampires cannot get high didn't phase me, because I knew I wasn't high from cocaine or any drugs like that.

I had my own drug. Bella.

I looked down at her, sleeping in my arms, her head laid on my chest. I ran my hands through her hair, remembering how it calmed her down, and it helped me from spontaniously combusting. I could only see the top of her head from the position I had laid her, and desperately wanted to see her face. I restrained myself, not wanting to wake her up.

She looked exhausted. I can't blame her though. If she had those nightmares, and the fact that she cried herself to sleep every night must take it's toll on her body and mind. Add me and Alice visiting her and keeping her up all night, and she will most likely be out for quite a long time.

I turned the lamp off, moving as little as possible. The click echoed loudly in the quiet room and I froze as Bella shifted slightly before sighing. Her even heartbeat relaxed me as she fell back asleep and I settled back onto the pillows. I stared at the ceiling as though it held all the answers.

Bella loved me, but she hated me too. From the sarcasm and anger she directed at me, I knew the latter was true. But she allowed me to hold and comfort her, she even comforted me when I was upset. So... she loves me too.

Even if I was given a million years, I would not be able to unravel the mystery that is Bella Swan.

Bella had changed. She was no longer the care free, happy and smiling girl she once was. The things she has experienced since then have changed her look on life and the world around her. She was guarded, she was careful with her actions and what she said, but she seemed unaware of what she was doing.

To say I had been shocked and slightly mortified that she had thought I was an hallucination would be an understatement. Her cockiness and confidence that I wasn't real almost made me wish I wasn't, just so I wouldn't have to see her expression once she found she was wrong.

But I saw it, and it broke my heart. Her eyes widened, her mouth was trying to form words, and I waited. I waited for the screaming and the accusations and the hate.

I took her hand in mine, squeezing it. I felt the electricity surge through my body, making me feel more alive than I have ever been. I saw her own eyes widen as she felt the same.

I saw the tears fill her eyes and I knew what would happen. I expected it.

But since when is Bella predictable?

Instead of telling me to get out, she just backed away from me. If anything, it was worse. The way her eyes never moved from me, or her trembling frame, it was like she was a deer trying to escape a lion.

I told her the truth, no more lies. I was done with them, they ruined everything. So I told her I couldn't stay away, and it was true. It hurt. God, it hurt so much to be apart from her. I pulled my eyes from her, running a hand through my hair. I knew she would get angry, from what I've seen from others thoughts, she has quite the temper.

I watched as her hands turned into fists at her sides, shaking with the rest of her body.

But she did yell at me. Or she wanted to, I heard it in her voice. She wanted to scream at me, to hit me, and I didn't blame her. I did too.

She glared at me, something she has never done before, and I was honestly scared. Not of her, of course, but of what this may mean. She turned away from me, no doubt seeing the window I forgot to close in my haste to see her. I watched her arms snake around herself, as if she were holding herself together, her shoulder hunched slightly as if she were anticipating an attack.

But then....

I said it. I said "love", and that was enough. I watched her knees give way, hitting the floor hard but her sobs stabbed at my heart, every tear ripping a hole in my soul.

I listened as she struggled to breath, her arms too tight around her that they had turned even whiter than they had been before. She begged me to stop, acting as if someone had shot her in the chest.

I ran from the bed, dropping next to her and feeling useless. I couldn't say anything, it made it worse. If words hurt her, my touch would send her over the edge. I couldn't do anything but sit back and watch as she fell apart in front of me.

Shame riddled through me as I went to the far wall, sliding down and wanting nothing more than to pull every single hair from my head out in frustration. (LOL, amazing mental image. A bald Edward!)

I watched as she looked at me, shuffling back and copying my position so that we were directly opposite each other. I looked at her properly for the first time.

She was still beautiful of course, but things had obviously taken their toll on her. Her skin was almost the same shade as mine now, her eyes were shadowed by black, and she looked thinner. Not as thin as in that horrible institution, but still. Her large brown eyes were distorted by a film of tears that seemed never ending. It physically hurt to know I had caused them. God knows how many I have caused to fall.

Tears of venom sprang burning my eyes slightly as they couldn't fall. She was watching me, but my vision was now obscured and objects were reduced to mere blurs.

So I told her the truth. There, on her bedroom floor, we were both broken, both tired and in pain, and I told her everything.

What I did and the reasons why, how it felt, what I did to the others. I told my story, my eyes fixed on her as hers were fixed on me. I couldn't help the sobs that interrupted me, and every time, I saw a curious expression cross her face. I couldn't place which emotion it was, but I saw it over and over again.

I felt the shame well up inside me as I couldn't control myself anymore. The more I talked, the more it hurt. My long dead heart ached in my chest, pain searing through my veins. I ached for what I knew would make it go away. I ached for Bella, to just hold her in my arms. To be whole again.

Her eyes widened as I lost my cool totally, and I saw the hesitation in them. She didn't believe me, and I wasn't surprised. She confirmed my suspicions, and my heart sank. She doesn't trust me, she doesn't believe me. I was a fool to think that she ever would, not after what I did.

But God, it hurt to whisper those five words "You don't believe me do you?". My voice showed my pain clearly. I saw her lean forward slightly, as if to approach me, but she leaned back quickly, saying that she didn't know what to believe.

It was like a dagger to my heart and instead of facing the pain, I let the mask slip back on. The calm, cold and hard mask.

I stood quickly, approaching her slowly as she stood up shakily. I was doing no good here, I was only hurting her even more. I stopped before leaving. I stood in front of her, the closest I have been since I saw her that day in that awful place.

Her tears never stopped, and I ached to wipe them away. I found my arm reaching towards her to do so, but I let it drop back to my side. She wouldn't appreciate my touch, not now, not ever.

I ran and jumped out the window before my resolve faltered. I knew if I had it my way, I would never leave her side, whether she knew or wanted me there or not.

I landed in the little alley, and slumped against the wall, too weak to go any further. I heard a rather loud thud from the open window, and heart wrenching sobs not a moment later. I heard her heartbeat increase as she whimpered as if she were in pain.

For one of the first times, I hated having my senses. I could hear every choked breath, ever tear as it dripped to the floor, every cry.

I couldn't take it.

I climbed up the wall and crouched in the window frame for a moment.

Bella was exactly where she had been stood, only curled up on the floor, crying and shaking. Once again, her arms were around her, her hair now damp from the tears that ran into it.

I jumped down silently, kneeling beside her and scooping her up, holding her closely to my chest. I held her face to my shoulder, feeling the warm salty tears hit my cold skin. I walked to her bed and sat us down. I held her tightly, but she never tried to get away. She cried into my shirt, letting me try to comfort her.

"You came back" Her voice was rough and distorted by my shirt and the tears, but I understood. I also understood the double meaning.

So I told her. I told her that I would always be back, I left out the part that I would never even leave. I couldn't help the sobs that wracked my body, shaking Bella too because she was on my chest.

I rocked us slightly, glad to find the ache lessening the longer Bella was there.

My heart broke as she told me that she hated me. It was nothing I didn't already know, but hearing it directly from her hurt more than I could imagine. My heart leaped back to life as she said that she loved me. I was slightly confused, but she assured me that I wasn't the only one.

I had to tell her. I told her what I knew, and what I didn't. Which was a lot. Again, the sobs I had managed to control broke free again, my shoulder trembling, my chest contracting almost painfully.

I almost laughed when she questioned my thoughts on having a soul. It was totally off topic, but it helped to control myself.

I had spent a lot of time thinking, and I realised that Bella and Carlisle were right. I had to have a soul. Soul-less creatures do not feel remorse, they cannot love or grieve. I fit none of those. I told her as such.

She told me that she didn't know what to believe, that she wasn't willing to risk getting hurt again, and I understood that. Who wanted to risk being hurt in the same way twice?

I was thoroughly confused once she told me that she trusted me but she didn't want to. It really hit home when she told me all she has lost. Everything. She truly has lost everything. Her home, her family, her friends. I winced as she mentioned her freedom. No-one deserved to be locked up like an animal, least of all Bella.

When she couldn't continue, I knew what she was saying. She didn't want to risk everything because of me. Her life was just resembling a small form of normality, and she didn't want to put that on the line. She finished with a sob and I felt compelled to explain myself.

I listened for a response as I told her that I wasn't expecting anything from her, and I wasn't. I knew it would never be the same, if we ever were together again. I assured her that knowing she knew I loved her was enough and I heard her sigh when I kissed her forehead.

Alice sprang to mind and I remembered why I was actually here. Well, apart from seeing the reason for my existence.

I knew how much my family wanted her to be an "official Cullen" and that I was standing in the way of that. I was willing to move away if that was what was needed. Bella deserved happiness, and so did my family. Their pain and misery has been solely my fault, and it was on me to put right.

Bella's heartbeat increased when I mentioned leaving and she actually comforted me, saying that everything will be okay. I couldn't believe it. I guess some things never change. My heart leaped as she proclaimed her love for the others, and I wished they could all read minds so I could show them this. Their hearts would melt.

I nearly missed her eyes drifting shut, her heartbeat slowing to less than the normal rate. I felt her lean all of her weight on me, even though it felt like the weight of a feather to me, I still felt it.

I realised that she looked exhausted, and then that both me and Alice had kept her awake all night. Yet I couldn't bring myself to regret it. It was the best night of my life.

I was slightly surprised and apprehensive when she said she had a question. I played with the curls of her hair, which had grown even longer. I was shocked when it was about the time of my arrival. She seemed a little lost before continuing.

I was slightly hesitant to tell her what I did. I didn't know how she would react to knowing that I had held her closely, calming her down, whispering for her to wake up. I was shocked when she started to calm down, her struggles and tears stopping after I spoke. No coherent words escaped her mouth, only strangled cries and whimpers.

She screamed once, but that was when I began whispering to her, and her scream seemed to die in her throat.

She retold the story for me, hesitating at the beginning before divulging the entire tale to me. I wasn't sure whether to crush her tighter to my chest, go throw up, or go and attack something. I hated the fact that I couldn't protect her from these monsters because it was her mind.

I was also shocked to find that she remembered the whole thing, including my words. She teased me at the end about me sniffing her, which I did actually. I had missed her scent so much, I welcomed the burn. She mentioned that I held her to me in her dream, and knew that she was talking about the times when I held her tighter in reality.

I felt her body heat rise, her scent becoming even more potent, and she tried to hide her face again. I smirked, I couldn't help it. I had missed that blush so much, I couldn't resist running my fingers down her burning face, savouring her.

She was zoned out, and gasped when my skin touched hers. She looked shocked as she thought of something, and then more than any other time, desperately wanted to hear her mind.

I watched her trying to fight her eyes as they closed and I smiled again. I quickly laid her down on the bed, pulling the quilt so I could lay it over her. I moved away as I removed my arms from her, feeling empty already.

I felt a tugging on my shirt and looked back to find a very distraught and scared looking Bella, watching me with wide and watery eyes. I could see the panic and worry behind them.

I put both of my hands on either side of her face gently, forcing her to look at me as I laid down beside her, her hand loosening on my shirt as her eyes focused on me.

If her pained eyes weren't enough, her words were.

"Don't leave me again" She whispered, impossibly, more tears filled her eyes. My heart ached to see her in such a state because of me, yet I was silently happy that she didn't want me to go.

There and then, I made a vow to myself, to never see her like this ever again. I would show her how much I love her.

"I'm not going anywhere Bella" I told her, my voice slightly louder than I thought, but was full of the determination I felt. I sighed as she nodded mutely, gently leaning forward and tucking a wayward curl of hair behind her ear.

I made another vow then too, to make Bella see herself. I told her she was beautiful and she scoffed, well snorted. But she was. I didn't care about the lack of sleep, or the thinness and pale palour. All of that could be easily changed. But I wasn't even talking about her looks.

Her personality, her soul, is the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on. Her thoughts, her mannerisms and her characteristics all made her shine against the dark back drop that had become by life without her.

I noticed, when I came back to earth, that her eyes were closed, a small smile on her lips. I couldn't help but smile too as I grabbed the quilt that I had flung to the bottom of the bed, and laid it over us both.

She snuggled into the pillow, and I couldn't help but think of how cute she was. Not that I would tell her that. No eighteen year old woman wants to know that she is "cute".

I heard a muffled thud, probably silent to Bella, but I heard it just fine. I frowned as I spotted two curious looking stones attached to a chain around Bella's neck. Were they what Alice was talking about? I had seen from her mind, Bella holding them and speaking to someone, kissing them when she was done. They must mean a lot to her.

I asked her, feeling guilty for keeping her from sleeping. I waited, not sure if she was asleep or not.

I understood the amount of care connected to them when she told me Ryan gave them to her. But I frowned when she told me that they help her. I had no idea what that meant. But she said that the cuff helps too, so that's got to be good.

I picked them up carefully, checking to see if Bella was awake or not. Her heartbeat was sporadic, changing from normal to slow as she slipped in and out of consciousness.

I was surprised by the weight of them. They were so little, but where carved beautifully. Apparently, according to Bella, they mean courage and strength. Maybe that was how they helped her. They have her those two traits when she needed them.

I turned them this way and that, watching the light from the lamp making them shimmer and shine, the colours swirling almost hypnotically. I placed them back on the mattress and watched Bella for a moment.

There was a significant amount of space between us and I didn't like it one bit. I had no idea where I stood with Bella. We weren't together, but we were more than siblings or friends. Is there an in between?

I gently, lifted her up and laid her on me chest. I felt a little guilty when she wighed deeply, she had obviously woken up. But she smiled, snuggling into my shirt and chest, despite the cold temperature or the fact that I felt like stone to her.

I couldn't resist running my fingers through her hair, even as I apologized. She brushed it off and she carried on shuffling around, trying to get comfy. Once she was settled, I hesitantly wrapped my arms around her waist, not sure if I was going too far.

But she sighed and smiled again, a small honest smile and made me smile in return. I couldn't resist humming her lullaby to her, even after she fell asleep. I really had missed playing my piano, but I only stopped because it reminded me of Bella.

I'm sure Esme will be happy to find me playing again.

I smiled to the ceiling, feeling more whole and happy than I ever have. The Cheshire cat grin on my face would not go away, and I knew that if Jasper or Emmett were here, they would never let me hear the end of it. I think they'd be more focused on the fact that _I _was smiling, the man who tried to commit vampire suicide.

I floated back down the earth as I felt Bella shudder against me, a rustling noise filling the otherwise silent room. I frowned as I looked back down at Bella. I didn't want to move her in case she woke up, nor did I ever want to have her out of my arms. But I had to shut the window before it woke her up. Bella's health was more important than my needs.

I lifted Bella from my chest, sitting up and turning back to lay her back down again. I tucked the quilt around her snugly to protect her from the cold. I ran towards the dratted window, hating the sheet of glass that was taking me from Bella.

I rolled my eyes once I realised that I was mentally threatening an imanimate object, and that it was I who had left the window open in the first place. I had been in too much of a hurry to remember to shut it.

I glanced to the jacket I had carelessly thrown on the floor when I first got in here. I gently shut the window, shutting the curtains too as they stopped billowing outwards from the open window and the wind stopped blowing into the room.

Turning back to Bella, I was almost to the bed when I froze again. An odd crunching sound made me wince as Bella stirred slightly before sighing again, her breathing evening out once more. I glanced down to where the noise had occurred and my eyes widened.

A small piece of paper was poking out from under my shoe, and I could see from my position above it and despite the darkness, that it had been written on. Carefully lifting my foot from it, I bent down to pick it up. Staring at it curiously, I sat on the bed, my back to my sleeping angel. I held my breath as the mattress sprung when I put my weight on it, but relaxed again quickly.

I was glad I didn't have to turn the light on and risk waking Bella, simply because I could see the paper perfectly as if the light as already on. I could also identify my sisters handwriting a mile away and I smiled as I read it.

_Dear my sister Bella,_

_I don't want to leave you, but the others will be going crazy if I don't tell them you're okay. They worry about you so much, we all do. Know that you will never be alone, once of us will always be close. This may become more of a curse than a blessing though._

_We all love you so much, and I am so happy to have my sister and best friend back again. It honestly sucked without you, to put it nicely._

_I'll be seeing you soon,_

_Love Alice_

_xxx_

My smile grew as I read through it. Everything she had said was right. The others will be going crazy for information, they all worry and I foresaw this place becoming a common place for us to come. She may come to hate the constant companionship, but if the others were anything like me, they would just hide the fact they are there. They wouldn't leave her, not anymore.

Alice had hidden her happiness, keeping herself in check so as not to go crazy and hug the hell out of Bella like she wanted. It looks like she did the same in the note.

Alice and Bella had a connection now. Alice, even though she couldn't remember, could empathise with Bella. Alice was more determined on helping Bella than she had been on getting those Italian shoes worth four thousand dollars.

My smile dropped and it felt like my long dead heart was thudding in my chest as I heard Bella whimper behind me. I spun around, seeing the tears rolling down her face, her hands clawing at the quilt as if it was trying to get away and she were pulling it back. Her body shook as her face contorted in fear and.... desperation. She tossed this way and that, like she was searching for something.

In less than a second, I had laid the note on the little table again, lifted her up, laying down on the bed again before ripping the quilt from her and crushing her to my chest. Her hands transferred to my shirt as she pulled at it. I didn't try to stop her, knowing that she was having a terrible nightmare. Strangled cries escaped from her throat as the tears wouldn't cease.

I held her to me tightly, my arms wrapped securely around her waist as I rocked us both, her head tucked beneath my chin as I tried to comfort her as best I could.

"No.... don't.... not again..... please...." She choked out, ever word stabbing me in the heart as she sobbed. I wanted to fight what ever was hurting her, to keep her safe. I squeezed her ever so slightly, battling myself as anger welled inside me at the monster that did this.

"Please..... Edward" My anger disappeared as I choked slightly "No.... don't.... don't leave me... not again... please" She begged, her words coming as breathy pants as her breathing accelerated.

I wanted to hold her closely, to comfort her, but at that moment, Bella Swan had managed to do the impossible. A human had immobilized a vampire.

I couldn't move to squeeze her like I wanted. I bit my lip as the pain and anger welled up inside me, my body shaking beneath Bella, making both of our bodies tremble. I didn't deserve to touch her, I didn't deserve to be here with her.

But I knew what would happen if I left. Alice was right. I couldn't run away when it got tough, I wouldn't. I saw what happened when I left a few hours before. Bella broke down. No matter how much she hated me, she still cared for me. It was as though she needed me as much as I needed her.

I refused to hurt her again.

"Shh...." I unlocked my muscles as I whispered into her hair, rubbing soothing circles on her arms, rocking us slightly.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm not leaving you, never again" I kissed her head tenderly, wishing I could take away all of her pain. I would gladly take the burden onto myself, just to see the light in her eyes as she laughed, or the way her hair would shine when she walked outside. Just to see her smile...

I knew it was a long way off. Yes, she smiled and laughed with my family and Josh, and she used to laugh with Ryan, but only them. Before, she would smile and joke with everyone, she was the sort of person people can't help but like. But that wasn't Bella anymore.

She wasn't the happy, carefree girl I used to know, constantly worrying about her father and his lack of nutrition. Her eyes were void of the teenage innocence that was once present. They were full of dark secrets, of unspoken horrors and fears that plagued her mind. She was a woman now, something I had also noticed, no longer a child.

But she was broken, she was hurt and all she needed was someone to talk to, to be there when things got too much for her and to take some of the load from her. She had been alone for so long, her only companion being Ryan, but even that friendship was hidden beneath a professional front.

I longed to see her scrunch her nose up at the sight of snow, to see she joy in her eyes as she saw the clouds on a school day morning, knowing that we would all be going to school. But I knew that those times had come and gone. She had bigger worries and things to think about that the weather.

I always thought Bella was mature for her age, but she had witnessed things I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. She had gone through so much in such a short period of time, and it had changed her, it would have done the same to anybody.

I whispered to her all morning. Yes, morning. By the time I had scooped Bella onto my chest, it was already half past one on the morning. From the dark shadows beneath her eyes, the nightmares and crying every night, and the constant interruptions, she would be exhausted tomorrow.

After about half an hour, Bella relaxed again, her tears stopping as she fell into a deep sleep, her heartbeat beating softly in her chest. I relaxed as well, glad the nightmare was over and she was okay again. I layed back again, my head on the pillows as I let Bella get comfy again, shuffling around while she was still asleep.

I closed my eyes, smiling once more. I don't think I have smiled so much, and actually meant it, in such a long time. I went through my memories then, sifting through them, taking more time on others. I was taking advantage of the fact it no longer hurt to think about them, knowing that the star of them was in my arms.

I chuckled at some parts, remembering how Bella's impatience had gotten the best of her on several occasions, how she would blush when she tripped, when she would laugh when Emmett tried to "dazzle" her into doing something.

I was brought back to the present by Bella's name being whispered. I looked around the room, finding no-one here but us, no humans were even awake. I waited, listening again.

"Bella...." A boy whispered, sounding rather awed.

I listened into his thoughts, watching his dream with amusement. There was no talking, simply pictures. Bella and him married, her smiling, him smiling, them together. It went on for some time.

He had a crush on Bella.

I was slightly glad that, for the first time, a person that likes Bela like that wasn't thinking X rated thoughts. The boys dreams were so innocent and pure and I couldn't help but chuckle. Even in children, Bella had a gift.

I looked at Bella, brushing my lips against her forehead. Her head was turned to the side, a small smile on her face, her ear pressed to the spot where my heartbeat should have been audible if I had one. My attention was brought to her hand, her palm pressed against my chest slightly in front of her face, as she curled her fingers slightly, gathering my shirt a little in her hand.

I revelled in the warmth her palm brought to my cold skin as it seeped through my shirt.

I spared a glance around the room, but had to do a double take. Damn! The sun was almost up now! How had I not realised that?

Hating that I had to leave her, and knowing that she would be hurt because of it, I gently took her hand from my shirt, rolling her over so that she was laid on the actual mattress.

I watched her for a second, missing the warmth and serenity her touch gave me. She frowned, turning onto her side so that she was facing me. I brushed my fingers across her cheek, revelling in the soft, warm skin that never failed to leave an amazing burn on my body.

I sighed before getting up, battling with myself. I didn't want to leave. Ever.

But the sun was rising quickly, and if I didn't want to get trapped here for the entire day, I had to leave now. Maybe if I stayed for the entire day then...

_No. Alice would kill me, so would everyone else. Besides, it's not like I'm never coming to see her again._

But she didn't know that.

I couldn't write her a note like Alice, I had no idea what to put. I knew it had to be something physically there. But... after watching her nightmares, I shuddered as I thought of what would happen if I wasn't here to comfort her. Something about me must calm her down, but what?

I sighed, running my hands through my hair and I stood watching her. What ever it was, I would give her it. Unfortunately, thanks to Bella's mental silence, I had no idea what it was.

I looked around for a moment, as if checking the floor for the answer. What I got wasn't an answer, but a possible solution.

I bent down and grabbed my crumpled jacket. Maybe it was my scent that helped. Looking back at Bella, I stood up again and walked over to the bed, laying the jacket in front of her on the pillow. I waited.

I smiled hugely as her hand took a handful of the material and pulled it closer to her, a small grin playing on her face. Success.

Feeling marginally better about it, I kissed her cheek before turning around and walking to the window. I made sure to close the curtains and window behind me this time, taking one last peak before jumping down and landing in the crouch. I was glad for the high walls that stood either side of me, keeping me from view.

The sun had risen even higher, thankfully not bright enough to make myself too obvious. But if anyone saw me, I would look more like something from Star Trek. I would have to run, that way if anyone happened to spot me, I would be nothing more than a shiny blur of wind. Their minds would disregard it quickly, and they would forget about it.

I simply wished there were no more people like Bella who payed way too much attention.

I set off towards the large wrought iron gates, jumping over them easily and immediately setting off in a sprint. Part of me cursed myself for not having my jacket as a cover to hide in. The other part, well I didn't care as long as Bella knew that I cared. That was my main priority.

I kept my mind open, my senses extra sensitive as I manuvoured through the streets and alleys, avoiding early rising humans as much as possible. It hurt, the further I got from Bella, I wanted nothing more than to turn around and hold her in my arms forever. I physically had to stop myself from going back.

It took a while, but I relaxed as I reached the cover of the forest. I let my senses weaken once more, stopping momentarily to look back longingly. Shaking my head and remembering my family who were waiting for me, I turned and ran again. Running as second nature to me, and it took no thought at all to dodge around trees and shrubbery.

Therefore my mind was free to pursue what ever topic I desired. I only desired one thing.

Bella.

The feel of her soft, warm skin against mine, the sound of her beautiful voice. Each word was like my very own heaven, sadly though, it had mostly been obstructed by crying or yelling or whispers. The way she blushed, the way her huge brown doe like eyes still seemed to see into my soul.

I found a large smile on my face yet mad no move to remove it, I doubted I could. I had spoken to Bella. I had touched her, I had comforted her, I had held her in my arms, I had kissed her. I finally felt whole.

I quickly jumped over a startled rabbit, not even paying a second thought to it. Bella made everything else seem dim and dark, so... worthless.

_Where is he?! I hope he is okay... _I smirked as I heard my mothers nearly hysterical thoughts penetrate my mind.

I guess I had been too engrossed to pay attention to where I was.

_I swear, if he has hurt her in any way, shape, or form, I will personally see he never sees the light of day again _I was expecting that to be Emmett, maybe Rose from the hostility and anger, but not Jasper. I had underestimated his love and protectiveness for his sister.

Unsurprisingly, Emmett's and Rose's thoughts were along the same lines. I concentrated harder, seeing them all sat in the sitting room in thick silence. I couldn't help but smile as I realised that, for the first time, I was the one they were waiting for, I had seen Bella. I hadn't been left behind.

_What if he went to the Volturi? It would be all my fault! The last thing I did was yell at him! What... _I cringed at Alice's mental hysteria. I was surprised she hadn't been watching me and Bella, but I'm sure she had her reasons. I searched for my fathers mind, but I found his thoughts unusually quiet and conserved. He was going over his plans if things went badly between me and Bella.

"Relax Alice, listen" I heard Jasper say comfortingly as I approached, only a mile away now. I heard all thoughts halt for a moment before my footsteps faltered from the excessive noise in my head.

Everybody seemed to take it upon themselves to scream their thoughts towards me, on any other day I would have yelled or recently just ignored them, but if anything, their excitement made my smile more prominent. I do believe, that in that moment, I could have been attacked by the Volturi, and if I died, I would do so with a smile on my face. Nothing would ruin this.

I saw them through their minds as they all raced to the door, standing on the large porch. I saw the white house through the trees and sped up. I broke through the trees, but kept my pace as I raced up the lawn and up to the porch, startling my family.

Without a moments hesitation, I picked Alice up, crushing her to my chest and spinning us around as I my laugh broke free. Alice's little arms wound around my neck as she laughed with me.

"Well someones happy" Rose laughed her thoughts reflecting her relief and happiness as much as her voice did.

_It's been so long since I've heard him laugh.... _All of their thoughts were similar again and I nodded to them and myself.

"Thank you for yelling me and kicking my ass" I smiled as I stopped spinning, kissing Alice on the cheek as she pulled back. Her eyes were filling as her lip trembled. I smiled kindly s I handed her over to a rather ecstatic Jasper. He merely nodded at me, both in pride and appreciation.

Before I could move, I was being hugged fiercely, the scent revealing it to be Esme. After a near rib crushing hug, Emmett scooped me up and crushed me to him, threatening me with my manhood if I was stupid enough to mess it up again. Carlisle hugged me, his own eyes shining as he embraced Esme, his thoughts fixed on the fact they could be a family again. Much to my surprise, Rose hugged me too, strongly. Her thoughts were empty of anger or threats, instead, they were almost.... free.

From the first time I have known Rose, she has had a dark mind, Emmett lightened it significantly, but she was always troubled and always held some sort of resentment. But not now, nothing but genuine happiness radiated from her.

Bella really had no idea how she had changed and affected their lives.

**Bella's Perspective....**

**Just to be mean :)**

I slept strangely that night, in and out of consciousness all the time, unable to settle. I remember feeling scared, before calmness overwhelmed the panic and I calmed down. The nightmare had, for the first time, evaded my conscious mind as my dreams turned blissfully happy, and it hurt to know that they were all just dreams. Still, it was better than the nightmares.

I woke up, feeling like I had gotten absolutely no sleep at all. Yet despite this, I felt oddly refreshed and... alive. Strange.

I lay there for a while, staring at the ceiling, trying to wake up fully.

I heard a knock at the door, but Josh entered without permission anyway. What was the point in knocking?

"Hey" He smiled, but he faltered "Jeez, you look like shi.... crap" He said quietly, sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at me.

"Wow, thanks. I feel great too you know" I gave him a thumbs up to emphasise my sarcasm.

"Maybe you should stay home today...." He trailed off, watching me with concern.

I sat up quickly, too quickly as the room began to spin "No way. It's the zoo. I haven't been to the zoo in ages and the kids are so excited. I want to go" I told him as I put a hand to my head to try to stop the nausea.

"Well, if you want to come you'd better got up now. The kids have already had breakfast" He smiled apologetically at me.

"I popped my head in and you looked so peaceful, I thought I'd leave you for a while" He scratched the back of his head in embarrassment and I ducked my head even though I don't blush anymore.

I was right. He heard my crying and sobbing before, I was just slightly embarassed that he had seen me like that.

"I'll leave you to it" He smiled before getting up and walking out, shutting the door softly behind him.

Did I look that bad?

I groaned as I flopped back down, letting the bed bounce as I let it have all my weight. I jumped as something cold touched my skin, such a contrast to the warmth of the room and the quilt. Turning my head to the left I....

Froze.

No. It was a dream. It wasn't real. It can't have been real. Impossible. No way.

But as I sat up, grabbing the jacket in my hand I knew that it was no dream. Edward had been here last night and this morning, we had spoken, we had cried. I had seen him.

_Maybe it's Josh's, he might have left it in here at some point _I mused.

That would have been a good point, if Josh had ever taken a jacket off in my room, in fact he very rarely wore a jacket. I sat the material in my lap, playing with the stone cold zip. Having a light bulb moment, I hesitantly picked up the jacket and lifted it to my nose and sniffed.

Edward. I would know his scent anywhere.

So... Edward had been here. Last night was no dream. He had held me, he had kissed me. Okay, on the forehead, but it was still a kiss. I had fallen asleep on his chest, where he put me.

I clutched the jacket to my chest tightly, letting the scent permeate my senses as I drank it in greedily.

I wonder if this is what it's like to be high, not a care in the world but blissfully happy and feeling like anything is possible.

I got off the bed and went around to my little cupboard to get my phone out of it, I would need it for today if I was going with them. Josh had very kindly bought me this phone, he used the excuse of needing to call in an emergency, but I saw the glint in his eyes when he handed it over.

A piece of white caught my eye and I momentarily forgot the phone, my hand going to the note sized paper on the wooden surface. That had not been there last night, my note book was on the other side of the room.... I looked over to check, and there is was. Open. Open? I hadn't used it in weeks since I had to leave a note for Joyce when me and Josh went out.

Focusing more on what was on the, more than the how the hell it was there, I read the beautiful calligraphy.

_Dear my sister Bella,_

_I don't want to leave you, but the others will be going crazy if I don't tell them you're okay. They worry about you so much, we all do. Know that you will never be alone, once of us will always be close. This may become more of a curse than a blessing though._

_We all love you so much, and I am so happy to have my sister and best friend back again. It honestly sucked without you, to put it nicely._

_I'll be seeing you soon,_

_Love Alice_

_xxx_

I felt my eyes burn but I pushed the tears back. Her sister, her best friend. I smiled as I reread it again and again. She had to leave, they were worried about me, they will always be close, they love me, it sucked without me. She'd see me soon.

Soon?

Out of everything, that one irked me. How soon was soon? Was it a day? A week? A month? No, Alice would never wait so long, at least not now that she has come the first time. Damn, couldn't she specify a time frame?

I set the note back on the cupboard, staring at it for a moment before reaching inside and grabbing the phone. I was so happy, I would have skipped to the bathroom, unfortunately, my exhausting left me to shuffle along with a smile on my face. It would do.

After my shower and I dried my hair and got dressed, I put on my thick joggers and a short sleeved shirt. I eyed the jackets in my wardrobe before shutting it and sliding on Edward's. It was nice. It was made of some fancy material, no shock there, the dark blue making me seem even more pale. When I zipped it up, the bottom came to the middle of my thighs, the sleeved burying my fingers but I stuck my hands in the deep pockets as I sluggishly walked out onto the landing.

I plodded down the stairs, the smile contrasting with my physical and mental fatigue. I heard the frantic whispers and squeals of the children as I walked towards the kitchen.

Josh was sat with his arms crossed, watching the door and me like a hawk. He raised his eyebrow as he inspected my attire.

"Nice jacket" He commented, luckily he skipped the part about where it came from.

"Look, Bella I'm not being an ass but you look horrible. Maybe you should stay here, get some rest and relax" He told me, his eyes reaching me face as they softened.

I sighed deeply as I walked forward and pulled out a chair in front of him, sitting down.

"I know I look horrible, I saw it in the mirror, but I want to go with the kids" I told him honestly as he slid a bowl of weetabix in front of me. No sugar. Apparently, none of us where aloud more sugar than aloud, it "sets a bad example".

"I know you're having a tough time Bella, no matter how much you try to hide it. Don't get me wrong, I can see how much you love the kids, and you seem happy to be here" He observed and I nodded as I took a bite of my breakfast.

"Bella, stop trying to hard. Just relax" His hawk stare settled back on me but I lowered my eyes, concentrating on eating.

I finished my meal with no more words exchanged. I got up and put my bowl and spoon in the sink when I heard Josh sigh behind me, his tiny chair scraping on the floor as he got up.

"Josh..." I turned around, the sound of my voice making him stop "Thanks. For caring, I mean" I gushed out quickly, but it came out all messed up.

"It's okay Bella" He walked forwards and hugged me tightly "I think you'd be surprised how many people do care about you" He mumbled as he kissed my cheek, squeezing me once more before exiting the room and heading towards and squealing.

I tried not to think about what he had said. How many people care about me? Not many. Everyone that did.... well, they paid for it dearly.

Shaking my head from those thoughts, I walked out and stood in the doorway of the sitting room, where everyone else had congregated. I smiled as I saw the sea of black, yellow, pink, blue, red, green and multicoloured coats, and grinned even wider as I saw Josh trying to zip one up while the kid was jumping up and down.

Josh, as if sensing me there, looked up and smirked. All the kids looked up at me in the same moment, all their huge eyes on me.

I couldn't help my smile falling, my arms shaking as my stomach heaved at the picture my mind conjured up.

All the children, staring at me with blank, vacant eyes. Their bodies mangled and twisted in grotesque shapes as blood seeped from their bodies, pooling on the floor.

My nightmare.

I forced my eyes open, not realising I had closed them, as I turned and ran to the downstairs bathroom. Tears streamed down my cheeks as the image refused to remove itself from the inside of my eye lids. I barely made it before my breakfast came straight back up into the toilet bowl. My body shook as I struggled to stop the images flashing before me.

The more I saw, the more sick I was. I had to stop. It wasn't real. The kids were fine, they are all smiling and excited about going out. They are not dead. They. Are. Not. Dead.

"Bella!" I heard Josh behind me, and didn't even have the chance to tell him to leave before I started heaving again.

He held my hair back, kneeling beside me and rubbing soothing circled into my back. He spoke quietly, words of comfort that I concentrated on.

After a few minutes, the heaving stopped and I was left with a trembling body, a tear streaked face and the disgusting acidic taste in my mouth. My body felt more tired than ever as I leaned my face on the toilet seat, not bothered by the hygiene factor. I took several deep breathes, willing myself not to start again. I vaguely realised Josh was still there with me.

"Bella, you are in no condition to be going out" He told me strictly as I could barely lift my head to look at him.

"You can barely move! You're staying here" He ordered and all I did was nod in response. My sudden vomit-fest had taken the little energy I had managed to aquire last night.

He sighed before wrapping his arm around my waist and heaving me to my feet, flushing the toilet too. He walked us over to the sink and handed me my toothbrush. Even brushing my teeth proved difficult, but it was worth it for getting the horrid taste from my tongue and teeth.

When I was done, he had to support most of my weight. I suppose all those late nights have been building up, last night being the climax. He walked me through the small passage and into the kitchen, pausing for a moment at the door.

"I am not even going to try getting you up those stairs. Do you want sitting room or office?" He asked.

My eyes had slipped closed already, my head on his chest as I struggled to keep my feet moving. But my eyes opened with panic as he mentioned the sitting room. I could not go in there and fall asleep. I'd have a panic attack if I woke up in there.

"Office" I managed to slur, and I was rather shocked at my voice. Was I really that tired?

Without any other words, he walked us past the open door of the sitting room turning his body slightly so shielding me from view and stopping them from seeing me. I don't think any of the kids would have liked to see me like this.

I did register the fact that all the squeals had stopped, and there was a rather strange, still silence. He opened the door with a slight click, but all I saw was the inside of my eye lids as the heaviness weighed them down. I felt myself being picked up and then laid on something soft and big.

"Josh, what's going on?" Joyce's voice almost made me open my eyes. Almost. Not even she could resurrect me from this deadened state.

"Bella's not well Joyce. She just... well we saw breakfast again. She can't even stand on her own" I heard Josh's voice reply.

"Well, what are we going to do? The kids are all ready to go" She whined. It's nice to know I'm cared about.

I felt myself being shaken and simply grumbled in response, telling them I was awake.

"Bella, I have to go with the others okay? But the landline is just across the room, if you need anything just call me okay?" He asked, probably trying to get me to open my eyes. It was a lost cause.

"I'll be fine" I slurred, just wanting to be left alone. I felt sleep tugging at my mind, but Josh and Joyce were keeping me from falling into it.

I felt someone kiss my forehead, and I knew Joyce would never do such a thing. Josh. I felt something laid over me and I was immediately warming up, not realising how cold my body truly was. I fell asleep quickly and deeply.

My dreams were black and empty, and it seemed what I had only just closed my eyes when I opened them again. The house was empty besides me, one glance at the clock told me it was half past one. They were all still out then.

I frowned as I realised what had woken me. Joyce's phone was ringing, and if it didn't stop quickly, a headache would add to my arsenal of pains and aches this morning.

I groaned as I slid out of a blanket someone had laid over me, shuffling and swaying over to the desk on the other side of the room. I gripped the edge of the desk tightly, willing the room to stop spinning as I took a deep breath, picking up the receiver.

"Hello?" I answered. God, I sounded rough. I sounded ill.

I waited, but got no answer. I sighed before hanging up. I woke up for a prank caller? Great.

I shuffled back to bed and laid down again, my eyes sliding shut on their own. I was so close to sleep, but that damn phone started to ring again. I groaned, getting up and shuffling across the room again, picking it up.

"Hello?" I asked again, my voice sharper than I intended. I needed sleep, and who ever this was, was keeping me from getting it.

Again, there was no reply, only silence.

I gritting my teeth in frustration as I slammed the phone back down. Sleep!

I was only halfway back to the sofa when the phone started to ring again. Instead of going back, I went behind the desk slowly, bending down and pulling the plug out of the socket, leaving it on the floor. The ringing stopped immediately and I sighed in contentment.

I stood up, but did so too quickly and over balanced, ending up sprawled on the floor. I groaned at the new bruises that would no doubt from, struggling to get up. My arms simply had no energy to push me up, nor did my legs.

Sighing, I realised that this was a very comfy piece of carpet. I could sleep here.

With that thought, I laid down and curled up, instantly falling asleep. I wonder how long this will go on until I can actually remain conscious for any amount of time?

My dreams were a swirl of colours, of dark and light yet I couldn't remember any part of it when I was woken up.

Yep, I was woken up again.

I felt someone shaking me roughly and I groaned, my eyes squinting open.

"Bella, what the hell are you doing on the floor?" Josh asked, his arm snaking around my waist again and pulling me to my feet with a little effort.

"Prank caller.... fell over.... comfy carpet" I slurred as my head rested on his chest again, my eyes slipping shut.

"Right, Bella I'm taking you to bed okay?" He told me as I felt the ground disappear from beneath me. I was too tired to react, though some part of my mind did realise I was being carried. I was in and out of consciousness a lot, but after one time I resurfaced, I realised I was laid on something and I was alone. In my room probably.

I was restless that night, despite my fatigue. It seemed sleep evaded me quite thoroughly and it felt like I would never get any sleep. Just when the sun was shining in my window did I fall into a deep sleep, so deep that not even my nightmares could touch me. Though, it may have something to do with the fact that I slept with my head on Edward's jacket.

Edward....

I could hear a mumbling, getting louder, yet remained a mere buzz to my ears. The hum stopped as a small thud sounded, and then silence. I felt someone was near me, and that scared me a little. Why would someone be in my room when I slept?

My eyes snapped open and I sat up, quickly getting up and standing on the bed. Don't ask me why, but I thought I could jump anyone that was here.

I froze as I heard someone clear their throat behind me, but I didn't freeze in fear. I knew that cough.

I spun around "Emmett!" I squealed, running and launching myself at him, wrapping my arms around his neck and my legs around his stomach, clinging to him for dear life.

His quiet laughter filled my room as he wrapped his huge arms around me and hugged me tightly.

"I missed you too Bells" He chuckled as I pulled back and kissed his cheek. What can I say? I was happy!

"Missed you too" I smiled a huge cheesy grin and he simply shook his head at me, smiling wider.

"You do realise that I will never let you go, right?" I told him and he smirked mischievously. He was up to something.

"Never?" His smile widened.

I opened my mouth to speak but was interrupted "Not even for little old me?"

My eyes felt like they would fall out as I unlocked my legs and slid off Emmett, running to the doorway where Jasper was leaning, his arms crossed and a small smile on his face. He laughed quietly as he scooped me up and crushed me to him as I clung to him.

"I missed you I missed you I missed you I missed you I missed you I missed you" I whispered as tears welled up in my eyes.

How did I ever live without these people?

"I missed you too Bella. Now look, you're getting all emotional on me" He smiled as he wiped away a stray tear.

"It's your fault" I sniffed, laying my head on his shoulder and sighing.

I felt the air pass by me and Jasper sit down on something, I found it to be my bed.

He pulled back to look at me, putting my hands on either side of my face and frowning as he looked me over. "You don't look so good Bella" he sighed, eyeing the shadows under my eyes.

"I've had worse" I shrugged, not able to get all morose and depressed with him here. Jasper simply sighed and nodded, not looking too happy about it though. I rested my head on his shoulder again, closing my eyes.

"Bella, there are a few people that would like to say hello" Jasper whispered and it took me a moment to actually understand what he was saying. The others, they were here too. Maybe not all of the, but some of them. Maybe Edward.

Rose suddenly appeared in front of me, knelt on the floor, a small smile on her face as she watched me. I couldn't help but throw myself at her, even making her stagger back a little before she righted herself and lifted me up and sat us both on the bed beside Jasper.

I was now crying, all hope of controlling the tears had vanished. I wasn't sad, I was happy. Maybe these were happy tears.

"Come on Bella" Rose hushed me as I grabbed a handful of her shirt and cried into her shoulder.

"I missed you so much" I cried, my voice muffled by her shoulder and shirt. I had missed her. I had missed her strength, her courage, her fierceness.

"I know Bella, I missed you too" She kissed the top of my head as she rocked us both. Why was I crying now? Stop crying!

I felt myself being moved, but my tears wouldn't stop and my vision was clouded by them.

"Oh Bella" Alice whispered as I felt her tiny arms wrap around me tightly.

"Alice" I choked out, feeling her squeeze me a little.

"You know, a while could be a very long time" I sniffed to her, hearing her tinkling laugh.

"Sorry, we wanted it to be a surprise" She told me and I hummed in response.

Four. Three more. Maybe Edward was here. I hope Edward was here. Is he here? If he isn't here, it's not the end of the world. I still have my family around me.

"Bella"

I think my heart stopped for a moment, and I know that that is not healthy. It was _him. His _voice. He was here. HERE!

I looked up and I think my heart melted right there and then. There he was. Messy bronze hair, small sheepish grin, hands in pockets, eyes light golden. But here he was. Right here. Now.

I got up shakily, Alice keeping a hand on my back to make sure I didn't fall. I had just woken up after all.

For the first time, I didn't know what to do. We stood there, looking at each other, but I had no idea if I should hug him or not. I _wanted _to hug him, but what if he didn't want me to hug him?

My tears refused to stop, rolling down my cheeks relentlessly as I stared at Edward. His eyes flicked over to something behind me, narrowing before looking back to me and softening again. He walked towards me slowly, hesitating before wiping a tear from my cheek as I sniffed.

"Bella" He shook his head before pulling me to his chest as he wound his arms around my waist as I snaked mine around his.

"What's wrong Bella?" He asked as he laid his chin on my head.

"Nothings wrong" I sniffed and I felt his chest expand and contract as he sighed deeply.

"Then why are you crying?" He sounded so confused, he actually sounded rather cute. I couldn't help but laugh at that thought. He was a vampire, not a cuddly teddy bear.

I shrugged lightly "Don't know. Happy? Tired?" I spoke quietly, not wanting to ever move. All I could see was Edward, all I could smell was Edward. He was everywhere, I was definitely not complaining.

"What time is it?" I asked begrudgingly. It must be about time to get up if they were let in. Unless they sneaked in...

"It's half past nine" He told me quietly and I sighed.

"I guess I have to get up then" I felt a little empty as I stepped away from Edward, but I basically ran to the set of draws and pulled out the usual sweats and baggy shirt, turning and seeing Alice and Rose's faces screwed up.

"Why are you wearing those?" Alice wrinkled her nose as she pointed at them, the boys all laughing at her.

"You will understand soon. If.... if you're staying?" I asked quietly, peeking up at them and watching the large grin spread across Alice's face.

"Yep! As long as we can, but we can always sneak in again" She winked and I rolled my eyes, slightly more relaxed.

"Turn around" I ordered, but all I got was funny looks.

"I have to get dressed, now turn around!" I told them, all of them laughing before they all turned away from me.

"None of you are peeking are you?" I eyed the back of Emmett and Alice,'s heads, knowing Em would love to pull a prank and Alice would see me in a vision anyway.

"Nope" Jasper called, even slapping a hand over his eyes, making me giggle lightly.

I quickly stripped the pyjama bottoms off, pulling on the joggers and nearly falling over as my foot got caught in the leg. I quickly took off my shirt and hastily slid on the baggy shirt that hid everything. Just how I liked it.

"Done" I said quietly as I walked over to a small mirror and brushing my hair quickly, sighing as it refused to be tamed.

"You do know that Esme and Carlisle are downstairs, right?" Emmett prodded and I immediately dropped the brush and ran to the door, grabbing Edwards hand along the way and dragging him with me as I ran down the stairs, trying to be quiet but my feet thudded loudly. I jumped the last three steps and raced towards the office doors.

Unfortunately, being in socks, by the time I stopped running I skidded into the kitchen door instead. Edward pulled me back by my hand and I thanked him before bursting through the door and coming face to face with a rather amused pair of vampires, their golden eyes shining as they smiled at me.

"Carlisle!" I yelled before running at him and wrapping my arms around him. It hurt, after all, he was made of something harder than stone, but I didn't really mind. He laughed deeply in my ear as he wrapped his arms around me, squeezing me tightly.

"Hey Bella. Sorry for waking you up yesterday" He pulled back and offered a small smile. It took a moment for it to click.

"That was you! I was trying to sleep!" I sighed at him, frowning in annoyance, but it was hard to stay mad at him.

"Actually only the first one was Carlisle" Jasper's voice came from behind me, and I noticed for the first time, the others had come downstairs and were looking pretty sheepish.

"Oh? Carry on" I said slowly, narrowing my eyes at the pair of them, watching as Emmett nudged Jasper.

"Well... we wanted to know if you were okay. I mean... Carlisle said you answered the phone when the house was supposed to be empty, and we just wanted to make sure" He spoke quietly but I just sighed, looking at the others.

"And the third?" I watched for a reaction and saw Rose and Alice look at each other guiltily.

"Well, maybe next time, you could talk" I huffed.

"Why were you here anyway? I thought everyone was going out" Rose asked and I sighed.

"I wasn't well yesterday, so I stayed here. I slept there" I pointed to one of the sofas before turning back and scowling at them.

"Well, I _was_ sleeping until someone kept waking me up" I looked pointedly at Jasper and he mouthed a sorry.

"What happened? I mean, during the third one the phone cut off" Edward asked and I smiled a little.

"I got sick of the noise, and unplugged the damn thing" I smiled and he shook his head.

"At least you got some good sleep" Alice nodded and I shook my head.

"Not really, when I stood up I got dizzy and fell over. I decided I didn't have the energy to move and fell asleep right there" I pointed to the stop next to the desk, laughing at the shocked faces.

I simply shrugged before turning and looking at Esme.

"Hello" I smiled before hugging her tightly.

"Don't think I'd forgotten about you" I whispered as she tightened her arms around me.

"It's good to see you Bella, we missed you so much" She kissed my forehead gently as she pulled away and I smiled in response.

"Are you... supposed to be here?" I asked and they all chuckled at me.

"Yes Bella, we told them we were coming" Carlisle put his hand on my shoulder.

"Well you can't blame me for asking. You aren't exactly the most law abiding citizens around are you?" I raised my eyebrows as he nodded in understanding.

The door creaked open and I turned to see a beaming Josh walk in, watching me with a smug smile. He stood there for a moment before I realised.

"You knew didn't you? You knew all this time?!" I asked, smiling despite my words.

"I... may have known about it... perhaps" He shrugged and I walked up to him, punching his arm.

"You should have told me" I continued to smile as he rubbed his arm.

"But it was a surprise! And aren't you happy and very surprised?" He raised an eyebrow and I sighed.

"Yes" I laughed as I hugged him fiercely, his own arms wrapping around me "And thank you"

"No problem" He chuckled as he kissed the top of my head.

"Now" He pulled away "You know I can't make oatmeal for love nor money" He looked at me pleadingly and I rolled my eyes.

"Oat meal and...." I asked, wondering what choice the kids would have today.

"Toast. Toast is safe" He nodded to himself and I smiled.

"Okay, I'll save the oatmeal. Is Joyce here yet?" I asked, wondering where she was. usually, if she isn't in her office, she's wondering around inspecting things.

"No and thank God for that! I think she said something about coming in late today. I'm sure she mentioned it, but I can't remember what she said...." He trailed off, looking deep in thought.

"Hmm... I usually just ignore her anyway" I shrugged, earning a tut of disapproval from Carlisle. I turned to him but Josh beat me to it.

"Just wait till you meet her" He told him with a sigh. Josh had lived with Joyce most of his life. Poor sod.

"I'm going to wake up the kids, okay?" He said as he backed out the door.

"Sorry, I have to-" I began but Esme hushed me and waved me on.

I pulled a face, but walked to the kitchen. They were going to see breakfast, it may be amusing for them but I would never hear the end of it.

Well, I suppose if I was going to live with them, oatmeal would be the least of my problems.

* * *

**Sorry this took so long. I had most of it written, but then I went to London and- IT WAS AMAZING!  
I am addicted to the tubes now :)  
Anyway, tell me what you think ****  
:)**


	20. My Lifeguard

**Disclaimer- I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT**

**PREVIOUSLY.............**

_"Hmm... I usually just ignore her anyway" I shrugged, earning a tut of disapproval from Carlisle. I turned to him but Josh beat me to it._

_"Just wait till you meet her" He told him with a sigh. Josh had lived with Joyce most of his life. Poor sod._

_"I'm going to wake up the kids, okay?" He said as he backed out the door._

_"Sorry, I have to-" I began but Esme hushed me and waved me on._

_I pulled a face, but walked to the kitchen. They were going to see breakfast, it may be amusing for them but I would never hear the end of it._

_Well, I suppose if I was going to live with them, oatmeal would be the least of my problems._

**NOW........**

**Bella's Perspective**

They all followed me as I walked into the kitchen, frowning as I saw the boiling milk, rushing to transfer it onto another ring and tut to myself. How did Josh ever cook decent meals for these kids?

As I left the milk for while I popped some bread into the toaster, humming a little to myself.

I was slightly engrossed in what I was doing, and nearly squealed as I felt a tug on my trousers. Once I had relaxed a moment later, I smiled down at a rather tired looking Tom, smiling up at me.

I crouched down as he hugged me, rubbing his eyes a little as he yawned.

"Breakfasts nearly ready, go sit down" I said gently as he nodded, shuffling off and sitting down with a plop.

Children started to emerge, most just walking past me. But there always has to be one...

"Bewwa! Bewwa! Bewwa!" I could hear Claire's voice from upstairs, getting louder until she got the the kitchen, spotting me and running at me. I laughed a little, stepping away from the cooker so I wouldn't hurt her, picking her up and swinging her around as she squealed and laughed.

"Hello Claire Bear, have a nice sleep?" I asked as I held her on my hip, her fingers twirling my hair as her big brown eyes twinkled with innocence. How could anyone not want Claire?

"Yep. Did Josh burn the bwekfass again?" She asked, sending the most adorable glare over to him.

"He did, but I fixed it for you" I kissed her cheek as I set her down again, watching her skip to her seat. I shook my head as I handed the bowls of oatmeal to Josh.

"I didn't ruin it did I?" He asked guiltily.

"You just nearly burned the house down, but no harm done" I smirked as he did, knowing what was coming.

"What can I say? I'm hot stuff. It's not my fault you can't handle the heat" He chuckled as he dodged out of the reach as I made to slap him lightly. He laughed as he handed some of the kids their breakfast, me turning to spread the jam on the toast.

I sighed, preparing myself. With the plate of toast and jam in my hand, I spared an apprehensive glance at Josh, both of us nodding as we sat down with the kids, making sure to grab something for ourselves.

I spotted the Cullen's smiling, the smiles soon turning into frowns as they saw our cautious attitude. They would understand soon enough.

It began as Tom wanted my attention, patting my bare arm with his hand. He was unfortunately eating oatmeal, somehow getting it on his hands and transferring it to my arm. I still smiled as I listened to him talking about his dog.

I looked up for a moment, smirking as I saw Josh. He had somehow managed to get jam smeared down one side of his face, and I spotted a glob of oatmeal in his hair.

I ducked my head quickly, paying attention to the kids again, all talking and laughing with each other. I was shocked out of the conversation I was currently having with Kayla as I felt something hit my cheek.

I looked up, glaring at Josh, waving a jam stained spoon at me, the jar of jam in front of him as he smirked. All the kids went silent before bursting out laughing at me. I reached up and swiped away the lump of strawberry jam, dropping it on the table.

I got up silently, smirking as I went to the fridge, sending the Cullen's a small mischievous smile before grabbing the can of whipped cream, standing up and turning around, shaking it in my hand.

"You'd better get running Josh" I warned as I kicked the fridge door closed. I watched the smirk fall as he shot up from his seat, looking for ways out, but I was standing near the doorway to the back yard.

Smirking again, I took off the lid and walked up to him, watching him back up, grabbing the jam jar and spoon, getting a spoonful and holding it threateningly. I laughed as I squirted him the whipped cream, getting it all over his hair and neck. He gasped dramatically before flicking the spoonful of jam at me, hitting me in the chest.

And then began the war.

He somehow got passed me, running into the back garden as I chased after him.

"Look after the kids!" I called to the Cullen's as I ran outside.

Neither of us could stop laughing as we splattered each other with the foods, only stopping as we ran out. We ended up laid on the grass, panting and laughing and covered in jam and whipped cream.

"Damn!" He said suddenly, sitting up straight and holding his hand out, pulling me up too.

"Joyce" He said as he jogged inside, me close on his heels. Though I doubt even Joyce could ruin my mood today. Josh pausing behind the door letting me catch up with him as we both remained hidden from view.

"Is Joyce here?" He whispered to someone. He must have got some answer as he breathed a sigh of relief, walking into the room. I followed after him, not able to get the smile from my face as Josh wiped some whipped cream from the end of his nose.

The kids all laughed, as did the Cullen's.

"Aw, it was only a bit of fun" Josh said as I huffed, rubbing the whipped cream into my hair as he pretended to be comforting.

"Yeah, fun" I retorted as I scraped a handful of the white food from my leg and gently tapped his cheek with it.

We calmed down, not wanting to start another war too soon, not when Joyce could walk in at any point. After Josh herded the kids into the room, cleaning up a little but still a mess, he handed me my tablets.

"You didn't have them yesterday. I'm not sure what I should do..." He scratched the back of his head worriedly.

"Don't worry about it, I wouldn't have been able to keep down anyway" I shrugged as I swallowed the pill, Josh disappearing into the other room to watch over the kids.

"Well, that was the most entertaining breakfast I have ever seen" Emmett laughed as I turned to face them, seeing all the smirking Cullen's looking me up and down. I smirked.

"Now you understand" I motioned to my messy clothes, all of them nodding with understanding, Alice with a wrinkled nose. I grimaced as I blew a stiff piece of hair from my face. I needed a shower. The jam was sticky, feeling horrible against my skin, while the whipped cream was turning watery.

"Bella, you wanna go for a shower first...." I turned as I heard his voice, watching as he paused to look me up and down "On second thoughts, you can go first, you need it more than me" He smirked as I rolled my eyes at him. I turned back around as he disappeared, frowning a little before walking over and grabbing Alice's sleeve.

"Come on. I know you've been dieing to do my wardrobe. No pun intended by the way" I added as Jasper laughed, Alice squealing as she bounced along beside me. We walked out of the kitchen, the door closing with a click behind us. I couldn't help but feel bad for leaving them behind as we walked.

"You can all come too, but there won't be much to do in my room" I called as I stood at the bottom of the stairs, peeking around and seeing the kitchen door swinging open immediately. I chuckled to myself as I let go of Alice, unable to walk with her as she vibrated.

I walked into my room with a slight skip, standing to the side and motioning to the wardrobe and dresser. With one final squeal she dived in, all of us watching with slight amusement, and my apprehension as she sifted through everything. I began to second guess my decision just as she stood up again, the sparkle in her eye that had been void up til now.

"Here" She held out some clothes and I didn't even look at them. I had missed Alice's spark, her bubbliness and her shere power to make anyone smile. The person I had spoken to a few days ago was Alice, but this was my best friend and sister. And it was because of this that I didn't have to force my smile as I thanked her and skipped out of the room and to the bathroom.

After a thorough hair wash and body scrub later, I stepped out of the shower wrapping a fluffy towel around me and taking a rather cautious poke at the clothes I had dumped on the closed toilet seat. Now that my hands were free from stickiness, I could actually see what she chose. Did I want to?

It wasn't too bad I suppose.

She chose the jeans Josh bought that I had deemed too tight for anything, and I could only if I was in a hurry to change. All I would need to do was bend over and they would rip. The shirt made up for my mortification though. It was long, well long enough to cover my butt, hiding the fact that it looked huge in these jeans. It was nice and baggy, with a high neck line.

I had my suspicions that that part was for Joyce. I knew she would never approve of the jeans, and adding a plunging neckline into the equation would get me yelled at, something I had managed to avoid up til now.

It was with a only with remembering how much I loved Alice, and a huge sigh I managed to get into the jeans, letting out a huge breath as I relaxed a little. I slipped on the shirt after wrapping my hair in a towel. Sometimes I wish I had shorter hair, just so it wouldn't be so wild and annoying at times like this.

The mirror squeaked as I wiped away the condensation, taking a sad look at my appearance. I looked tired, thin and pale, but I looked happy. More happy than I had seen myself since.... well since before. I washed my face and brushed my teeth, trying my best to look at least some part respectable and presentable.

I grimaced when I realised that was out of the window. They saw me sleeping, me wake up and afterwards. My darkest time.

I walked out of the bathroom, throwing the clothes into the washing basket on the landing, knowing I would be doing a lot of washing tommorow. I took the towel from around my hair as I walked into my room, finding my surrounding blocked by the thick brown curls around my face. See what I mean about my hair being annoying?

"Bella if you cut your hair, I will take you on a two month shopping spree!" Alice threatened and I scowled. Where was she?

Sighing, I flicked my head down and then up again, making it whip to the back of my head and clear my vision. Ah, now I could see.

Alice stood in front of me, hands on hips and that trademark pout on her lips and I rolled my eyes. I would never cut my hair unless I had to. I secretly liked my hair.

I walked passed her and to my little mirror, grimacing once more at the mess of hair on my head. With all the knots and tangles, this was going to take quite a while to get through. It was with deep apprehension that I picked up my brush.

"Jeez Bella, it's only brushing your hair" I saw Jasper sit down on my bed, rolling his eyes at me.

"No, this is going to be torture. You have no idea how many knots this head now holds" I pointed at him with my brush in the mirror as he held up his hands in surrender. Stupid vampires and their knot free hair.

Thus began to torture.

They all winced as I assaulted my hair, Alice eventually rushing over and taking the brush from me. She was lucky my scalp didn't bleed. She is a ruthless little demon. Still, she wasted no time, and it was done pretty quickly. I breathed a sigh of relief as she handed me the brush back, looking at all the hair caught in the bristles. I'm surprised I'm not bald.

"I had no idea how long your hair was!" Rose exclaimed as it hung down my back, still damp, the wet weighing the curls down so it hung straight.

"Bella! Are you done yet or what?" Josh yelled, sounding like he was still downstairs.

I took a deep breath, turning to the door "Yeah, it's all yours now!" I yelled.

I offered a sorry to the others, remembering their sensitive hearing. They all smiled and shrugged it off. I heard several bangs, a thud and a click, and the shower being turned on. Josh was in the shower then.

I skipped towards the door happily, grabbing hold of Edward's hand again silently looking for the spark. It was there, as I knew it would be. I smiled even wider as he let me pull him out the door and down the stairs, the others laughing as they trailed behind.

"Okay..." I waited until the others had caught up "Behind this door is a group of kids who are messy and loud. This is your last chance to run" I smiled jokingly as they rolled their eyes.

"Don't say I didn't warn you" I smirked, still holding Edward's hand as I opened the door, the laughing and yelling children quieting a little upon our entry.

"Saxon, put that glue down!" I berated as I saw him up-ending it and squeezing, seemingly not aware that he was doing it as he was staring at me with wide eyes. How did they get this? It was in the top cupboard!

I let go of Edward's hand, quickly making my way through the children, skillfully dodging them until I reached him. I plucked it from his grip gently, grabbing the pots of glitter as I spotted them, hastily shutting them in the crafts cupboard again, making sure the latch was across this time.

I turned around as he ran off to play with someone else. I sighed, motioning for the Cullen's to sit down on the sofa's. For some reason, it was the oen thing the kids didn't play on. They were only used when they watched T.V, which wasn't often because of Joyce, or when we read to them.

I watched with amusement as they made their way through the groups of kids, looking like they were concentrating extra hard. They sat down with a sigh, looking at me as I shook my head at them. They were only kids!

I plopped down between Esme and Jasper as they scooted up.

"How can three people look after so many kids?" Esme asked as she looked around.

I shrugged "They aren't that bad, they don't take that much looking after" I looked around and I was right. Most were well behaved, of course some had the odd temper tantrum, and we had a couple of kids who cried when they didn't get what they wanted.

I began counting the kids and coming up one short. I looked around the room again, noting the shut door. There couldn't be one missing, they couldn't have gotten out.

"How many kids do you count?" I asked rather panicked as I turned to Jasper.

"Twenty four. Why?" He asked as I stood up, looking around again.

"There should be twenty five" I said, turning around in a circle, trying to find the missing person. I ticked off names in my head as I saw the children, and I realised which one was missing.

"Callum" I whispered, my eyes immediately going to the only unoccupied sofa in the corner. I quickly made my way over there, crouching down and peeking through the little gap between the wall and the sofa. There he was. His red shirt and jeans were all scrunched up as he pulled his legs up to his chin, tears splashing down his shirt.

"Callum?" I asked, making him look up at me. For some reason, this made his tears fall even harder.

"Come on out?" I asked gently. He seemed to hesitate before shaking his head at me. I sighed as I sat down on the floor, determined to get the bottom of this. I had only seen Callum cry twice. The first was my first morning here, the second was a few days later. This had to be something important to him.

"Remember what we said to each other our first day? That we'd look after each other?" I asked, and he frowned before nodding slightly.

"Let me look after you" I smiled kindly. He seemed to think about it before sniffing, crawling towards me. I backed up a little, remaining on the floor as he emerged, immediately throwing his tiny arms around my neck as far as he could reach and crying on my shoulder.

I held him to me as I stood up, walking back over to the sofa's and sat down again between Jasper and Esme. The children carried around us, the ignorance and blissful innocence of childhood.

"Hey, come on" I shushed him as he began sobbing, his grip never loosening from my neck. What could have gotten him in such a state?

"What's wrong?" I asked, rubbing his back softly as he sniffed, blinking slowly as he looked up at me.

"Are you going to die?" He asked, more tears spilling down his rosy cheeks, but he didn't look away. I shifted uncomfortably. How the hell do I answer that?

"Not for a really really long time" I squeezed his slightly but he remained watching me.

"Callum, I'm not going anywhere" I wiped away a stray tear as he blinked again.

"But you were sick... and mummy was sick.... and she died.... and now I'm here...." His bottom lip trembled as he cried silently, still watching me. I felt my own eyes prick with tears but pushed them away. That must have been the second time he cried. Why hadn't anyone told me about this?

"I was sick, but I'm all better now" I whispered as he hugged me again.

"But mummy didn't get better" He sobbed and I sighed.

"Sometimes people get sicker than other people Callum, and sometimes people can't get better" I stroked his hair, hoping I wasn't making him even worse.

"Mummy didn't look sick, she still took me to the park and bought be ice cream" He frowned at me. I guess the kids had picked up on my less-than-healthy look too. Great.

"Well then she must have been really brave and strong, doing that to protect you" I hugged him as he thought about it.

"I wish I was that strong" He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, sniffing.

"You are. Can you remember what you promised me when I first got here. I was scared too, and you promised to look after me" I poked his nose as he smiled lightly. Kids.

"Promise you aren't going to die?" He asked one last time.

"I promise" I said solemnly. He seemed to think about it for a moment before nodding.

"Are you going to go and play?" I asked, pointing to Tom who was colouring. He simply shook his head and sat in my lap, playing with the ends of my damp hair.

He jumped off after about three minutes, going and sitting with some girls.

"You're good with kids" Jasper commented and I simply nodded to myself.

I was jolted from my mind by a small hand on my knee. I focused again to see Claire pouting at me, and I couldn't help but smirk. I leaned forward and picked her up, sitting her on my lap facing me. I saw her eye Jasper and Esme with apprehensively.

"Claire, these are my friends. This is Jasper and Esme" I smiled as I introduced them, both of them waving as I said their names.

"I like your hair" She said quietly to Jasper. He simply smiled and thanked her. I knew what was coming next when I saw the smile creep up and her eyes widen slightly. She found a new friend.

She quickly crawled from my lap to his, shocking him slightly as she simply sat there and stared at him, smiling all the time.

"Bella, it's nice outside. Lets take the kids out back" Josh said as he walked in, immediately picking up Jordan as he ran to him.

"Sure" I said quietly, looking worriedly over at the Cullen's. If it was sunny they were screwed.

"Don't worry about it Bella. It'll stay cloudy all day" Esme whispered in my ear, relaxing me again.

"Come on Claire" I coaxed her, standing up "Time to play outside"

She had been pouting at me with the most adorable stubborn face I have seen, but at the words play outside, she squealed and jumped down from Jasper's lap, running after Josh who had already gone out. It didn't take long for the room to be empty of all children.

"You okay Jazz?" I smirked as he stood up too.

"Yeah, never had that happen before" He scratched the back of his head as he chuckled.

"Bella get your ass out here!"

Josh's voice reached us in the lounge and I rolled my eyes towards the door.

"Come on" I muttered, grabbing Edward's hand on my way out and pulling him with me. Well, he let me pull him I suppose.

We walked through the kitchen, through the little passageway and passed the downstairs bathroom, and out the back door. I smiled as I saw all the kids piling up on top of Josh.

The garden began on a slope, leading down and flattening out eventually into a huge lawn. A large plastic table sat at the side, lots of plastic chairs sat around it. Swings and see-saws littered the garden, as did dolls and toy trucks and cars. Kids would never grasp the fact of cleaning up after themselves.

I started down the slope, very aware of Edward next to me and his hand in mine. When I took Jasper or Emmett's hand, it was just a friendly gesture, but with Edward, it felt like more. It was more. Edward would never be just a friend to me.

"I have to talk to Josh a minute" I turned to speak to Edward. He was gorgeous, as usual.

"Okay. We'll be over there" He pointed to the plastic table before squeezing me hand, letting go and joining his family that had already congregated around it.

"Josh" I called, tilting my head slightly, letting him know I wanted to talk. He managed to get free from the kids, telling them to go play before walking over to me. As usual when we have talks like this, we walk around a bit.

"Why didn't you tell me about Callum and his Mum?" I shot at him, slightly offended he had kept me out of the loop.

"Because at the time you were settling in and I wasn't sure how...." He hesitated "How you would take it. I knew there had been deaths in your past, and I didn't know what your reaction would be. I should have told you a while ago, but I forgot. Sorry" He smiled innocently and I smiled back a little.

"You know you're forgiven" I pushed him lightly, making him laugh as he pulled me with him, nearly ending with us on the floor in a heap.

"I know, but it's polite to apologize" He smirked as he set me right again. We walked in silence for a moment before he realised something.

"Hang on, how did you find out?" He asked, his voice slightly higher than usual.

"I didn't go snooping around Joyce's office" I rolled my eyes at him.

"I found we were one short this morning while you were in the shower. I found Callum in his usual hiding place and... he told me" I breathed out sadly, watching as he laughed with Claire.

"Why was he hiding?" I turned back to Josh and sighed.

"His Mum died after she was ill, and all the kids knew what happened the other day. It scared him. He thought I was going to die" I admitted sadly.

"Oh God Bella, I'm sorry. I really should have told you" He said sadly and I shrugged.

"So, what did you say to him?" He asked, obviously curious.

"I told him that some people get sicker than others, and can't get better. He made me promise him I wasn't going to die" I fiddled with the bottom of my shirt.

"What did you say to that one?"

"I told him I wasn't going to die for a really long time. I couldn't exactly lie to him about it" I sighed as I felt Josh lay his arm across my shoulder and pull me into him. I let him comfort me.

"That couldn't have been the most comfortable conversation. I'm sorry I wasn't there" He whispered as he squeezed me slightly.

"I can't expect you to save me from everything Josh. I have to stand on my own two feet at some point" My eyes found the Cullen's, all of whom were watching us closely.

Josh seemed to know what I was looking at "So... happy the Cullen's are here?" He laughed lightly as I did.

"Yeah, but only a teeny amount" I said sarcastically as I poked him in the stomach, making him let go of me and rub the spot with a pout on his lips.

"After all I did and you still abuse me" He said sadly and I merely laughed. He cracked quickly, laughing lightly with me.

"It's nice to see you smile Bella" He smiled gently and I did too.

"I do smile" I elbowed him softly, but I knew what he was talking about.

"I mean a real smile. Not a laughing smile or an amused smile, just a real smile. A truly happy smile" He elbowed me back gently and I laughed in agreement.

"It's nice to smile too" I smiled at the Cullen's as we walked towards them.

"Do me a favour Bella" Josh said suddenly, turning to me and coming to a sudden halt. I frowned but nodded, wondering what he wanted.

"Let them in" He whispered in my ear before pulling back and looking me squarely in the eye.

"They love you so much Bella. Trust them" His eyes widened with hidden meaning, but it took me a moment to understand.

"Josh..." I shook me head as I revolted at the idea "I can't...."

"You're stronger than you give yourself credit for" He told me softly.

"I don't know if I can do it, not without...." I shuddered, remembering what happened the last time I tried to come to terms with it. I ended up being carted to a funny farm.

"They won't let you Bella. Believe me, they need you as much as you need them" He hugged me tightly before letting me go and walking back to the kids. I watched him, slightly shocked of what he asked me to do and that he thought I could. I certainly didn't feel strong enough in my mind to relive it.

I turned around and headed to the Cullen's, all of whom were frowning at me. I sat down between Edward and Carlisle, still thinking about this. Could I do it? I know they deserve to know the truth, the whole truth. They needed to know what they were getting themselves into. But... I was scared.

Scared of what they would think, scared of what they would say, scared of what they would do. What if they blamed me like I did? What if they hated me? Could I risk that? Loosing them after just getting them back in my life? But if it saved them from the dangers my life held, it would be worth it. I couldn't keep this to myself any longer, not when other people might get hurt because of it.

No-one else should hurt because of me.

"Bella"

I was brought back from my mind by finger wiping away some moisture on my face. It took a moment for me to realise I was crying, and that was why I couldn't see clearly.

I heard a sigh before the cold plastic chair disappeared beneath me as I was sat on something lumpy and cold, but comfortable. Vampire.

"It's okay Bella. You don't have to tell us anything you don't want to" I heard Edward soothe me as he kissed the top of my head, rocking my slightly as he hugged me to his chest.

"I'm sorry" I choked out as I tried to get a grip on myself. They wouldn't leave, they promised they wouldn't.

"Don't apologize Bella, you have nothing to be sorry for" He hummed in my ear. It felt like it was just us two, me and Edward. No-one else. It was like we were in our own little bubble, ignorant to the rest of the world.

It took a while for me to actually calm down, but I did. I was slightly embarrassed that I had... had a little meltdown now. I hadn't had a public one while I was here. Ever. Damn Josh and his wise words.

I shivered as the wind blew my hair, suddenly feeling the cold I had blocked out. I sat back in my own chair, unsure of how to carry on. Luckily, I didn't have chance to try to make small talk, because we were interrupted. Or maybe it was bad luck.

"Bella, I fell over" I looked over and my eyes widened as they fell on little Emily holding up her bloody and scuffed palms in plain view of all seven vampires. She looked at me strangely for a moment, and I forced myself to calm down. Children can pick up on these sort of things.

"Lets get you cleaned up then" I stood up and led her into the kitchen, lifting her and sitting her on the kitchen counter. I gave her a damp tissue to hold on it as I went and retrieved a plaster.

"It stings!" She whined and I sighed.

"I know, but it helps it get better" I called as I closed the medicine cabinet that was too high for the children to reach. She didn't argue after that.

After I cleaned it up a little, I realised she had only scraped it on one side, and offered her a plaster. She insisted on a Mickey Mouse one, so I smiled as I stuck it on. I kissed it before setting her back on the ground and watching her run back out. They never learn that running means you fall.

When I went back outside and sat down, I didn't even manage to open my mouth before I was called out again.

"Bella! Some help!" I turned as I saw Josh trying to pry Callum and Tom from each other. I sighed as I jumped out of my chair and ran over. Josh smirked, stepping back and letting me do my thing.

"Callum! Josh! Get up! Now!" I yelled, effectively stopping the two fighting as the both stood up and turned to me, tears rolling down their cheeks as they looked up at me. I very nearly crumbled then.

"Come on you two" I kept the stern tone in my voice but let it soften a little. I held out my hands to each of them and they both took one quickly. I led them away and sat them on the grassy slope either side of me.

"Now... who would like to tell me why you were fighting?" I asked, looking at both of them as they cried silently.

"He was going to-" Tom began but Callum yelled.

"I was not! He's lying! I wasn't going to! He was!" His small blue eyes narrowed at Tom.

"No I wasn't!"

"Enough!" I yelled, putting an end to their fight.

"Tom, please tell me what you two were going to do" I asked gently, watching him sniff and wipe his eyes before carrying on. I could see Edward's shoulders shaking from laughter from where I was sat, the others had smiles plastered on their faces. I knew this wouldn't be good.

"He was going to... ask you to mawee him. But I said I wanted to, and he said I couldn't. And I said that wasn't fair and he said you liked him more than me-" His eyes started to fill with tears and I opened my arms, watching him crawl into them and cry on my shirt. I shot a glare at the back of Edward's head before turning my attention to Callum.

"Is this right?" I asked him, watching him nod a little, wearing the most heart broken expression.

"I've already told you, I can't marry you. I'm already married to Josh" I told them, pretended to me sad about it.

"But then you can just get a.... doforsss" Tom stuttered out. I frowned for a moment before I understood what he said.

"But I don't want a divorce. I love Josh" I pulled a face as I saw him across the yard. I may like him as a friend, and a brother, but nothing more. I would end up beating him around the head if we were together.

"Okay, so no more fighting. I can't marry either of you" I opened my other arm and let Callum crawl to me and cuddle into my side.

"Are you two friends again then?" I asked as I looked down at the tops of their heads.

"Tom is my best friend!" Callum said happily and I rolled my eyes. Only kids can fight one minute and be best friends the next. I relaxed my arms and they stood up, only as tall as my head since they were so small.

They needed no invitation as they ran away. I groaned as I put my head in my hands.

"What's wrong Bells?" Josh smirked and I stood up, walking over and punching his arm again.

"They did it again! How many times have I told them?" I whisper yelled at him, only causing him to smirk even wider. Again, it took a moment for me to realise.

"What did you tell them?!" I poked him roughly in the chest, making him wince and step back, the smile dropping.

"I just told them that... that we were getting a divorce" He mumbled the last part and I sighed frustratedly.

"That's where he got it from! I should have known he couldn't have known that word without you" I glared at him "You fix this Josh, or I swear I'll tell them you're with Joyce" I threatened, watching his eyes widen as he gasped.

"You wouldn't" He breathed as I narrowed my eyes.

"Try me" I crossed my arms, enjoying watching him squirm, his adams apple bouncing as he gulped.

"Okay okay, I'll tell them" He gushed out quickly before I smiled at him, amused by his fear. He smiled lightly, only making my smile grow, making his smile grow and... well you get the picture. It didn't take long for us both to be in hysterics over basically a smile.

"You... were... scared... of... me" I choked out as I clung to his arm to keep myself upright.

"You're a scary little monster" He laughed as he pulled me into his chest and hugged me fiercely.

"So I've heard. But why would such a 'hot' man like you be scared of a little monster like me?" I teased, remembering what he said at breakfast. He simply shrugged, his silence sobering me up. It was like Josh's power to change the atmosphere around you instantly.

He squeezed me tightly before letting me go and walking away. I frowned as I watched him walk away again. What was with the hugs and sudden mood swings? Shaking my head and putting it down to boys and their strangeness, I walked back to the Cullen's and sat down with a sigh.

"So Bella..." Emmett said and I looked up to see the typical Emmett expression of amusement "Have some admirers do we?" He chuckled before letting out a full belly laugh, as did most of the Cullen's even Esme and Carlisle get out a giggle or two. I huffed as I crossed my arms.

"It is not funny! It's very annoying!" I exclaimed seriously, but only succeeded in making them laugh even more.

"Stupid vampires" I mumbled, unable to keep the smile from my face. What can I say? Their laughter was contagious.

"Aw, we're not that bad are we?" Jasper pouted fakely and I simply rolled my eyes at him.

"Bella! Josh!" I froze and turned to the doorway, seeing Josh doing the same from the corner of my eye. Oh joy. Joyce is back.

"I'll be back in a minute" I grumbled as I got up, slowly making my way up the slope and to Joyce, Josh beating me there.

"Would you like to tell me what is going on here?" She seethed and Josh and I shared a frown. We understood when her eyes shot to the Cullen's. My eyes widened and then set in a glare as I turned to Josh. He had planned this and not told Joyce?!

"Joyce, the Cullen's phoned a few days ago and arranged to visit Bella" Josh said confidently, looking at her evenly. That was one thing I couldn't do. Around Joyce, I still felt like the child.

"And why was I not informed of this?" She turned to Josh full on and I actually feared for his safety.

"Sorry, it must have slipped my mind" Josh waved it off, but I heard the lie beneath it. It seemed Joyce did too.

"Slipped your mind? Bella? Why didn't you tell me?" She rounded on me, her voice so sharp that I cringed away slightly.

"I... I didn't know about it" I mumbled out, looking at my feet. See? Just like a child.

"I thought it would make a nice surprise for her. They are old friends after all" Josh tried to use his persuading voice, but it seemed years of living with Josh had made her immune to it.

"And you just took it upon yourself to invite them in? Bella is my responsibility Josh, not yours! I say who she does and does not see! Not you!" She advanced on him, but I was slightly taken aback by her statement. I sounded like a child, like a piece of meat. I was being ignored, the two 'adults' now glaring at each other.

"Bella is no-ones property! She's a human too you know!" Josh shot back, standing up to his full height, about double Joyce.

"I know that Josh! But as she was deemed unable to make her own decisions I was put in charge of choosing for her!" They were literally screaming in each others faces now, and I was slightly scared. The children had all stopped after hearing the yelling, and I had no doubt that the Cullen's were watching, but they were sat behind me.

"She can choose for herself" Josh spat out angrily.

"If she could, she wouldn't have been in Brenright!" Joyce spat right back and I flinched at the venom in the words. I felt my eyes burn as I tried to hide back the tears, and was unsuccessful. My vision blurred, and I wanted nothing more than to run away from them both.

I missed part of the conversation, but saw the red blob that was Joyce and her shirt disappear inside the doorway, leaving Josh there with me.

"Bella, please just listen to me" He put his hand on my arm but I shrugged it off.

"I am not a piece of meat to be traded! I thought we were friends Josh-" I cried.

"We are Bella!" I stepped closer to me but I shook my head.

"Then why would you say those things? Why would you talk about me like that? Like I'm some brain dead idiot! Like I'm not even here!" I sobbed, more tears falling down my cheeks.

"I don't think that Bella, I never have and I never will. You're the only one I have ever talked to about what happened to me, and I did that because I trust you. I had to talk like that because that's how Joyce thinks. She doesn't understand how I can have a normal conversation with you, or laugh and joke together. She doesn't understand" He sighed, putting his hands on either side of my face and gently making me meet his eyes.

"Bella, I know its unfair, but its how Joyce is" He wrapped his arms around me tightly, pressing my face into his chest and apologizing over and over again.

"Here" I heard him say, but had no idea what he was talking about.

It was a moment later that I felt cold hands prying mine from Josh's shirt, immediately crushing me to them as I was free.

"Shh.... its okay" Edward's velvety voice rumbled in my ear as it was pressed to his chest, his thumb slowly rubbing soothing circles on my cheek. I let out a loud sob as I realised it was him, his arms tightening around me even more.

"Its okay" He whispered in my ear softly.

"She thinks I'm a freak" I choked out.

"No, she doesn't " He sighed "She's worried about you actually. She's heard you crying at night too and thinks us being here will only make you worse. She only used the excuses she did as a cover. She wants you to get better, so does Josh" He kissed the top of my head tenderly as my tears slowed.

Why was I so emotional today?

"She hates me" I sniffed.

To my surprise, I heard him chuckle "Believe it or not, that is how she displays her affection. Its when she's being nice you have to watch your back"

"That's screwed up and backwards though" I sniffed again, my tears coming to a stop finally, after what seemed like a few hours.

"Maybe, but that's just how she is. Shes inside right now feeling guilty for saying those things in front of you when she was lying" He held my face between his hands as I pulled away slightly, rubbing away the tear tracks that stained my cheeks.

"Are you okay?" He asked, worry evident in his eyes and voice as he stared at me intently.

"I'm okay" I whispered a little vacantly. He looked so... loving.

I, in no way, ignored his speech the other night. I could see he loved me, how badly he looked even for a vampire, how he slumped against the wall. He was no longer the confident lively man I knew. He was a broken as I was. But seeing it like this, in such an open display...

"Bella?"

I zoned back in to find Edward staring at me with concern once again. Didn't he know I spaced out sometimes?

"Sorry, different world for a moment" I muttered, my cheeks heating up as I remembered the subject. Edward. Love. Me. Could it actually happen? Could I be happy again?

"It's quite a frequent occurrence, don't worry about it" I smiled slightly as he shook his head, a small grin on his face as he let go of my face and took one of my hands, walking back to the table. Great. Once again, they have seen me have a tiny episode. Still, they have all seen me at my worst, so a little crying fit would be nothing to them now.

Still, I was rather embarrassed by it as I kept my eyes down and away from their gazes I could feel burning into my head.

"You okay Bells?" I didn't look up as Emmett asked me the question, nodding slightly as I made to sit down. Before I could even touch the seat, Edward had pulled me away and had sat me down in his lap. I had to say, I was rather comfy and I couldn't find it in me to complain. I felt him wrap his arms around me securely as I rested my head on his shoulder.

Thus began my thinking.

I knew I should be talking to them, I didn't know when I would see them again, but I had something very important to think about.

Alice and Edward had both hinted at the fact that the Cullen's wanted to adopt me, but... they couldn't. It was too dangerous. If they got hurt... I couldn't... I couldn't bare it if the got hurt because of me. Too many people have been hurt because of my actions, or in-actions.

I tried to think of happier things, but that one subject plagued my mind. They could get killed because of me.

"What are you thinking so hard about?" Edward whispered in my ear, bringing me back to reality. It was colder now, and it had nothing to do with me being in Edward's arms. At some point, the dark clouds had accumulated above us.

"Nothing" I mumbled quietly, not wanting to worry them.

"I'll go and get a jacket" I said quietly, Edward letting go of me as I stood up and walked away from them, up the slope and into the house. I was on autopilot at the moment, my mind still trapped in the dark thoughts. I knew I was worrying them with my behaviour now, but... maybe its better that they stay away...

I cringed at that idea as I walked up the stairs, ignoring the laughter coming from the kids and Josh in the living room. I tried to push those thoughts away as I opened my wardrobe and searching for a jacket. My hands automatically went to Edward's, and I quickly slipped it on and hugged it tightly around me. It still smelt like him.

I quietly made my way downstairs, trying to go unnoticed by Joyce. I didn't care what Edward said, she didn't like me. I didn't want to be around her now, maybe in a while.

I shivered as I walked back outside, shoving my hands in the pockets as I walked over to where they were all still sat, not talking or moving. I hesitated for a second before Edward opened his arms again and I sat down in his lap, feeling warmer already, even as the wind whipped passed us.

"Please tell us what your so worried and scared about Bella" He squeezed me a little and I sighed. I didn't want to get into this now, I didn't want to ruin everything and scare them off.

"It doesn't matter" I told them heavily.

"Yes it does" Jasper's voice was stronger than I remembered, and I looked up at him sat across the table, his eyes burning into mine.

"What are you so scared of Bella?" He asked gently, frowning in concern. I remained silent, hoping they would just let it go.

"Bella..." Emmett warned, looking at me and cracking his knuckles and I couldn't help but smile. I knew he would never hurt me, but I understood what he meant.

"You honestly don't want to know" I told him sadly.

"Yes we do. Bella, we want to understand" Esme said kindly, and I didn't know what she was referring to. What happened... at the... accident or why I'm all unhappy?

I knew I would have to tell them. If I wanted any life with the Cullen's, they had to know the truth. Then, and only then could I accept any choice they made. If they chose to leave, then I knew that there wasn't any way they could have stayed, they would know everything. Again, I couldn't help but think of how safer they would be without me.

But the thought of pushing them away made me want to scream in agony.

"Can I ask you something?" I turned and spoke to Edward. This might be easier if I didn't speak to all of them individually. Edward would be the best choice, he can calm me down even better than Jasper can.

"Of course" He whispered as he let me turn in his lap so that his hands were around my back and I crossed my legs, my knees touching his stomach.

"Did you mean what you said the other night? Do... do you want to adopt me?" I asked quietly, not knowing which answer I'd rather hear. If they said no, then it would hurt but I could at least take solace in the knowledge that they were safer away from me. But if he said yes...

"Bella, I meant every word" He told me tenderly, wiping away a tear I didn't know was falling.

That was a yes. They wanted to adopt me. They had to know. Everything.

"Bella...." He asked, his eyes wide as more tears ran down my face.

"You have to know" I choked out as Edward took my shaking hands in his own. The very thought of reliving that....

"Know what?" He asked gently.

"Everything" I whispered as I watched his eyes widen in realisation, then narrow again.

"Bella you don't have to do anything. Don't listen to what Josh said..." He told me, frowning. I shook my head and he frowned deeper.

"You have to understand, you have to know everything. Then you can say whether you want me or not" Edward became a mass of a blurry blob by the end of my sentence, and I blinked to clear my vision, wanting to see his reaction.

"We'll always want you Bella" He told me, but he looked more worried than anything else.

"You don't know. It's too dangerous... you could... get hurt... I can't... you shouldn't...." I was pretty much hysterical by the time Edward pulled me against his chest and held me there as I sobbed.

"Why would it be dangerous?" He asked me finally, perhaps he realised that my sobs weren't going to stop any time soon.

I was about to answer before I saw a shadow cross the lit window in the living room, reminding me that we were not alone. I shook my head before somehow managing to climb off Edward and grab his hand. He got the idea and stood up, taking my hand tightly as I shook. I wasn't sure if I could even do this.

"Come on" I whispered as I headed down the lawn, towards the line of trees. Unbeknown to the kids, there was a gap behind the shed, and through that gap is a large wooden gazebo. It was quiet, and perfect for... my little story.

I didn't hear the others behind us, but I knew they were there. Edward frowned as we went behind the shed, but went along with it after he saw me disappear. When we were all through, I let out a shaky breath before walking towards it. It was actually rather beautiful here.

Tree's sat a little back from the gazebo, but they hung over it nicely, framing it. I walked up the steps and sat down on the long circular bench that ran all around it. Edward sat down beside me, the others sat around as well, all watching me intently.

How the hell to I even begin to explain?

"When did it start?" Jasper asked from the other side of me, and I sent him a wave of gratitude.

"About three days after you left" I sniffed, trying not to cry.

"I.. I tried to.. to carry on like normal.... but I couldn't. I knew I was hurting... Charlie... but I couldn't help it. No-one understood" And the dam broke, and my tears ran freely down my face. This could never end well. I couldn't take it all those months ago, I couldn't take it now.

I was scooped up quickly and rested against someones chest, and from the scent I knew it wasn't Edward. Jasper.

"It's okay" He cooed as I shook. I knew that I would soon be taking a trip down memory lane whether it was intentional or not.

"Bella, you told Carlisle that vampires had something to do with this. Is that right?" He asked gently and I nodded into his chest.

"Who was it?" He whispered quietly, even the wind paused to hear my answer. I knew who they would react, and they didn't disappoint.

"Victoria" I choked out, my face buried in Jasper's chest as he growled, and he wasn't the only one.

"Victoria did all that?" Esme breathed, her usually sweet voice full of venom.

"No. She had... some friends" I whispered as I shuddered.

"Why?" Jasper continued, his voice rather gruffer than before.

"Because she blamed... Edward for killing James. Mate for mate" I whispered brokenly, and I felt Jasper stiffen beneath me, and I wondered.. had I done it? Had I made them realise how dangerous it was for them?

"Bella" Jasper's voice was soft again as he gently held my face between his hands.

"Start at the beginning" He encouraged quietly.

"I.... I knew something was wrong. I swear things in my room had moved or disappeared, I would see a blur of colour but when I looked back it would be gone. I felt like... like someone was watching me" I sniffed, shuddering as I remembered walking into my room after leaving it for a minute to go to the toilet, finding the previously made bed a mess, the quilt hanging off the end of the bed, my pillows scattered over the bed.

"I... I didn't go to school. I couldn't" I whispered.

"Why?" Esme asked gently, and I didn't have to turn to know that she was frowning.

"I couldn't... live. I didn't care about anything anymore. I just laid on my bed and stared at the wall, and tried not to think about you. Charlie called the doctor, and he came in and assessed me. Charlie went to work but he called every hour to check on me. I didn't pick up. I knew he was worried about me, but... I didn't even care" I sobbed, thoroughly ashamed that I could care so little about my own dad.

"It first happened.... on the third night. I felt something cold on my face, and I woke up thinking it was... one of you. But... they had red eyes. I couldn't see anything else, it was too dark. They just grabbed me and jumped out the window, dragging me through the forest to..." I shuddered as I stopped abruptly.

"Where did they take you?" Jasper prodded and I gulped.

"Edward's meadow" I heard many gasps and a few growls "I don't know how she knew, but I was always took there" I shut my eyes against the images that flooded my mind.

Me curled up on the floor. The hadn't hurt me, but just being in that place caused the hole in my chest to rip open. They towered over me, laughing as they prepared for the torture of their entertainment.

"Edward...." Jasper's voice rumbled loudly in my ear.

"I... I didn't catch any scents. From what I could tell, no-one had been there after we had left" I heard him say quietly. His breath seemed to catch in his throat for a moment before he growled loudly.

"There was a patch of disturbed earth. All the grass had been torn up and ripped. I was right there!" I heard him growl out as I cringed into Jasper's chest. Couldn't I do or say anything that didn't hurt someone?

"Edward, be quiet" Jasper hissed, and the growling was suddenly cut off. The silence was so pungent I began to think they had left.

"Carry on Bella" Jasper squeezed me slightly, holding me together.

"They just... stood and watched me... for a while. Before... the others came" I trembled as I continued.

"There were about twenty, I think. They just threw me around and hit me, they were very careful not to make me bleed. Apparently, Victoria didn't want me to die just yet, she wanted me to suffer" Tears ran down my face, but I hardly felt them as I slipped into the numb mindset I had adapted in Brenright. Right now, it was helping a lot.

"She used to... let me go. They'd just disappear and I'd find my way back" My voice took on a robotic quality as I continued to run through everythng, the numbness keeping the memories and images at bay helping to anchor me to the present.

"Did they always take you at night?" I heard Rosalie ask quietly and I blinked a few times.

"Only sometimes, they took me between classes at school, when I went to the shop. Other times they'd just walk in when Charlie was upstairs and just drag me out. They didn't seem to care if anyone noticed me missing at all" Images flooded my mind.

_I was chopping carrots for dinner, trying to convince a scared Charlie that I wasn't running away. Then a vampire appeared in the kitchen behind me and I was so used to it and defeated I simply laid down the knife and waited for them to grab me. He dragged me away quietly, neither of us making any noise._

I closed my eyes and pressed my face even deeper into Jasper's chest as if trying to ward away the horrible thoughts and memories that seemed impossible to escape from. I felt someone else wrap their arms around me and lift me up, setting me down not a moment later. I knew it was Edward, the electricity surging through me as he held my face gently to his chest.

"What happened that night Bella?" He asked, his voice breaking slightly as he squeezed me slightly.

I could feel my entire body shaking as I fought the images and feelings away, desperately trying to hold my mind together and stay strong. The very possibility seemed impossible.

"It... it was half past ten. Me and Charlie were sat in the living room watching something on t.v. when they came" I whispered, keeping my eyes firmly shut as tears escaped them and ran freely down my face, hitting Edward's hand yet he made no move to stop them.

"They just... walked in. Charlie tried to shoot them..." I choked off, remembering how my Dad had reached for his pocket, none of the vampires making a move to stop him as he pulled out his gun. He had begun to wear it everywhere once it became apparent that something was going on with me. I could still see the terrified expression he wore when he saw the male catch the bullet between his fingers, throwing it to the floor as if he was bored.

"One of the five was Victoria, and she grabbed me and dragged me out. I didn't up a fight, but Charlie did. I heard... they hurt him, but... I didn't look back too see what" I sobbed again, ashamed at how bad a daughter I was. He was hurt and I didn't even fight for him.

"When we got into the forest I saw them all sat on the floor surrounded by vampires. Even Renee and Phil were there, Renee crying and hugging Phil. They didn't understand..." I choked off, trying to get control of myself but the images kept breaking my resolve.

"She kept me by her side though, not even holding me. I didn't even try to run" I whispered, disgust rolling off me.

"The others tried to talk to me. They knew I had something to do with it, Lauren just kept apologizing for all the nasty things she had said"

_Her brown hair bounced as tears rolled down her cheeks, her body shaking as Tyler hugged her close to him, silent tears running down his cheeks too. Those two must have gotten together at some point._

"Jess and Mike were hysterical"

_Both of them crying on each other, begging the vampires around them to let them go. The only reply they got was laughter._

"Angela was the only calm one"

_She sat there, her eyes fixed on me as the others fell apart, sensing their ultimate demise was coming. I didn't understood, and so I ignored it._

"She told me to.... to choose" I clutched my eyes shut once again, trying to get the image of her demonic smirk and ruby eyes.

"To choose what?" Edward whispered, his own voice hoarse from the little knowledge he had gathered so far.

"Who... who was going... to die first" My words became incoherent even to myself, but it seems the others understood them just fine.

"I... I couldn't... choose"

_They all stared at me with wide eyes, silently pleading with me to spare them, like it my my fault. It was my fault._

"She was going to kill all of them.... but then..." I came to a stop, still after all this time, unable to accept what I saw.

_Angela sat for a moment, her mouth moving quickly but her words were a mere whisper on the wind as she stared at the ground a moment longer. I heard a distinct 'Amen' and felt my eyes widen. She was praying. It took a moment for me to remember what her father was a reverend, and her family was Christian._

"Angela... she stood up. She told them to... to take her first"

_Her eyes were calm, her voice unwavering as her eyes met mine before she met Victoria's. I wanted to scream at her to shut up, but my voice was a croak from the lack of use. Victoria's eyes shone for a moment before she nodded at a young vampire behind Angela. He slid into a crouch, none of the others noticing because they had their backs to him. He pounced in a blur, Angela's eyes slipping shut as she whispered her last words._

_'Thank you Lord'_

"One of them killed her. She didn't even flinch. Everyone started screaming after he dropped her, going back to his place in the circle"

I was flitting between memories and telling my story but found myself unable to stop.

"Then the wolves came" My voice took on a pained tone as I was sucked back in again.

_I didn't jump as I saw six huge bear like wolves jump through the forest and in the middle of the circle, standing in protective crouches over the people sat down. I recognised them all, having spent a long time at La Push when they were trying to protect me from them._

_Jacob met my eyes for a moment before looking away. He had tried to make me better, but he wanted more than I could give him and it wouldn't have worked. I pushed him away, knowing he would only get hurt in the long run anyway._

_"Ah, the dogs have come to mark their territory" one of the vampires sneered, all of the wolves snarling. The humans beneath them all quivered and sobbed in fear, where as I just watched as if it were a movie. I was detached from my mind and body, not really able to do anything anyway._

"They tried to fight them away but there were too many of them. They were overpowered"

_Sam launched himself at one of the vampires, but for every six wolves, there were at least four vampires. It was a suicide mission._

_I could only watch as some of the pack, my friends, were slaughtered, their flesh ripped and torn, blood oozing out of them and onto the dark grass. The humans had no idea what had just happened, who had just lost their lives in the attempt to save theirs._

_For some reason, just before they died, they returned to their human form and I didn't even care that they were naked. I wanted to look away from their mangled bodies, but found myself unable to. I watched them all breath their last breath before their eyes closed and they were lost for ever._

_I later learned that only the bodies of Jake, Embry, Sam and Quil were found and my heart leaped to think that Paul and Jared were still alive. Or they died but remained in wolf form._

"They were killed quickly, but managed to take five vampires with them. It didn't really make a difference in the end"

_All the vampires resumed their positions from protecting Victoria and me from the wolves, which I suppose was their main objective Victoria laughed manically as she insulted the men that had just lost their lives, desecrating their bodies, making a mockery of their memory._

"She didn't make me choose. She chose. And she killed them all, one by one"

_I could tell that the vampires around me were thirsty, their black eyes giving them away if their savage growls were not. Victoria took her time choosing her victim and the murderer, all the monsters sickeningly enthusiastic about being picked._

"First Jess, Ben, then Phil, Renee, Tyler, Mike, Lauren, and finally Charlie. She made me say goodbye to him, and even then I sounded so... like I didn't care"

_Even though I was being torn apart inside, I couldn't show any of the emotions that raged inside me. Charlie's eyes met mine, tears running down his cheeks as he nodded at my 'good-bye'. I think what he said was what broke me from my mind._

_'I love you Bells'_

_Four vampires descended on him, and his piercing screams would forever haunt my mind as they cut off into a gurgle, and then silence. They stepped away to reveal something I would have never recognised as my father._

"Charlie's blood seemed too much for some to handle, and they had to go and hunt. Victoria didn't want me hurt"

_About twelve vampires ran away from the rest of us, disappearing as the forest swallowed them. I seemed to feel the cold suddenly, the calm night sky seeming to mock me as I stared blankly at the bloody bodies of my friends and family._

_"Now Bella, hasn't tonight been fun? You'll survive tonight, but we will be back. Just be warned" She stepped closer to me but all I could so was stare at her._

_"You took my reason for living away from me, I think I'll return the favour. Everyone you like, everyone you befriend, even the shop assistant you talk to on a regular basis... all of their lives are in your hands. If you run, we will catch you. Are you willing to have the blood of even more people stain your mind?" She smiled sardonically as I turned away and stared at the heap of bodies again._

_"The sun is rising, we should be leaving soon" I heard one of the others whisper, but I caught it. I looked up, the sky a pinky grey above me, the black forest suddenly became easier to see as if I could only see and hear things when they mentioned them._

_"Just so you don't forget about us Bella..." I turned back at the sound of Victoria's voice, a surge of fear finally breaking the wall of indifference I had set around myself._

"She was going to watch my every move and kill anyone I liked, or got close with. She wanted me alive, but miserable and wanting to die. I suppose that was the ultimate torture in her eyes"

And it was to me as well.

_I heard a rush of wind, my hair ruffling slightly but as my eyes were to the forest surrounding us, I saw none of the branches sway with the wind. I sudden and sharp jolt of pain had me on my stomach, curling in on myself and trying not to scream. It was one of the first times I had acknowledged anything other than what I had to._

_"Just to keep you on your toes, so you don't forget about us" One of them laughed and I could feel the blood seeping through my torn shirt and across my back. Growling began, hushed whispers and soft retreating footsteps making the ground beneath me shake slightly. My head was turned to the side so that I could breath, yet I still couldn't._

_I was laid in front of the corpses of my friends and family, all of their faces void of any life and thoughts. Dead._

_I tried to turn away, to move and look somewhere else, but any movement was torture thanks to the wound now inflicted upon my back._

"They left the wound in my back as a reminder of what they would do to me and anyone else. They left me in the middle of the forest, and I couldn't move without screaming so I stayed where I was. I lied there until the pain was to much and I passed out. I woke up in hospital two days later" I concluded, totally and utterly lost.

I had no idea what day it was. Saturday- the day the Cullen's visited, or Friday- the day Victoria came and ruined my life?

Was it morning or night? Was I still lying in front of my family or was I in Edward's arms? I didn't want to open my eyes in fear of what I may see.

I was having a hard time figuring out which as past and which was present. Whether it was real or my imagination. If anything in the past two years had been real...

I could still see my days in the hospital running through my mind but tried to ignore them, wanting to figure out where and what I was first. The confusion and fear had my chest aching, my eyes so sore they felt like they should be crying blood, my entire body shaking. I had no control anymore, of my mind or my body.

I was loosing myself once again, I could feel it slipping away as the seconds ticked by. The memories slowly taking over my mind and I was about to give into them, not having enough strength to keep them at bay and cling to the thin thread of normality I may have.

"Bella, come on. Don't do this, please. Bella"

I could hear Edward angelic voice in my ears, yet I found it ill fitting. I was laid on a hospital bed, staring at the ceiling with a blank expression. Edward wasn't here when this happened before...

I felt cold hands on my face, yet all the nurses were running around with other patients, no-one was near me. I became aware of cold arms around my waist as well, restraining me, holding me in place. I didn't care if they weren't really there, I could feel the frigid temperature seeping through my clothes, my body only able to move a little because of the barriers they created.

My mind only registered two things. I was being held down, restrained. And the person doing it was cold, so cold that my skin was raised with goosebumps. The image of Angela being killed entered my mind and I couldn't help the fear that rose in my throat as my chest constricted painfully.

I tried to get away, to scream, to do something, but my body wasn't working. My eyes wouldn't leave the patch on the ceiling, my arms wouldn't lift, my legs wouldn't move. Yet I could feel the cold air moving past me as if I were moving, the cold arms holding me even tighter which only increased my panic.

How could I fight if I couldn't see my attacker? It was like I was controlling some other body somewhere else.

"Bella, listen to me. Listen to my voice" The voice gently told me, and I would know Edward's voice anywhere. Once again, I looked in my periferals and found no sign of him.

"Open your eyes Bella, come back to me" His voice took on a pleading quality "I love you. I can't live without you. Please come back to me"

My heart was breaking for Edward, my love, my saviour. He was the only thing that kept me from ending everything in the hospital, the thought of him being out in the world somewhere. He kept me alive.

It was with those thoughts that I realised and managed to differentiate reality from my mind. I had memories of the hospital, of Brenright, of the children's home, of the Cullen's. This was a memory my mind had sucked me into. If my memories were true, I was still sat in the gazebo with the Cullen's, sat in Edward's lap as he held me.

The cold arms were his. He was holding me, not restraining me. This wasn't real. I was loosing my mind once again, but this time was different. This time, I had something to go back for. I had the Cullen's. This time I had a reason to fight.

"Come on Bella" It wasn't Edward I heard this time, but Jasper. I was flooded with memories of Jasper, the scene around me changing until I was opening my presents at my eighteenth birthday party, a moment later Jasper was attacking me, Emmett holding him back as Edward pushed me out of the way and into a lot of glass.

That was the day that changed the rest of my life. The day everything went from amazingly and unbelievably good, to disastrously bad.

I was suddenly in Jasper's arms, yet I couldn't feel them around me. I could hear his words in my ear, telling me he missed me. Despite the previous.. scene, I loved Jazz like a brother. I knew he didn't want to attack me, and that he had no choice, the thirst was too much for him to handle.

I felt strange, like that place between sleep and awake. I could feel the cold wind whipping my face, I could now feel the arms of Edward around me, I could even smell his scent. It was like being sucked down a plug, and into another.

"Open your eyes Bella" Edward asked, a slight bounce in his voice that had seemed to replace the pleading.

I searched for my eyes, finding it difficult to place where my limbs were, never mind control them. Edward once again helped, brushing his hands over my face, over my closed eye lids, helping to ground me into this reality even more.

Even though I had found my eyes, it was still a struggle to open them but the knowledge that Edward and the Cullen's were all there with me made me almost enthusiastic.

When I did open my eyes, I was a little confused. There was so much darkness, so much cold, so much silence. Fear hit for a moment when I thought that I really was back in Fork's, laying inches from the bodies of my family and friends. Until Edward actually moved and I noticed that he wasn't just a piece of furniture.

"Bella" He sighed, and I was abruptly being crushed to him, my head on his shoulder as he wrapped his arms around me more tighter than he had ever done before. It was borderline painful, but it was worth it.

I knew Edward loved me, and I loved him too.

It took me a moment to realise that my tears had never stopped, even after my concluded story, and that they still wouldn't. My face was sore, the wind biting at the sensitive skin. I was a little bit embarrassed and a huge bit ashamed to have had such a bad 'episode' in front of them, but my need for Edward was much stronger than the other two emotions.

"I love you" He whispered tenderly, but finally as if he wasn't expecting an answer. I could remember before when I was scared to admit my feelings for him, fearing being hurt again, but now I realised that I needed him like I needed air. Even when he wasn't there, he was still saving me.

I drew in a deep breath, wondering what my voice would sound like after all of tonight's events "I love you too" I whispered, knowing everyone else could hear me but I meant it just for him. He pulled back, releasing me from his rib cracking hold as he stared into my yes. God, I bet I look horendous. All thoughts left my mind as I stared into his eyes, the feeling of security and love filling me until I felt... complete.

He opened his mouth to speak, but my attention got diverted by a snap of a twig in the forest. I couldn't help but tense as I realised what I had done. How could I have been to stupid as to bring up all the old wounds to the surface, raw and aching, whilst in a forest? Not the best decision I have ever made. I heard my heart speed up as my eyes remained fixed on the hidden depths on the trees.

She could be in there right now, watching me, planning on killing Edward and the others.

"Ssshh... calm down. Let's get back to the house" Edward whispered, his eyes never leaving my face as I nodded slightly, a little scared to speak in case she overheard. The wind whipped through the gazebo and even Edward's warm jacket couldn't keep me from shivering, out of fear or cold I wasn't sure which. Edward obviously knew me well enough to know what I was terrified of, frowning slightly and standing in a blur with me in his arms still, cradled to his chest.

"I can walk" I croaked, trying to stop crying but finding the feat impossible. He paused, smiling down at me before setting me on my feet, wrapping an arm around my waist and tucking me into his side. I could see the others standing from their seats around us and I felt bad for not... I don't know. Thanking them? Saying something after nearly breaking down in front of them.

Edward never let go of me as we made our way through the hedge, and I kept my eyes open all the time, just in case I saw anything. Any flash of white, or fiery red hair. I gave up trying to control my tears, letting them fall as my body trembled. The garden was encompassed by trees, a small wood behind it. I kept my eyes on the house as I walked away from the trees, praying for the light to get closer quicker, just so I could feel safe. The others followed me and Edward, and I had to admit, I felt a lot safer with them around me, even if they wouldn't stand a chance of surviving against Victoria and her army.

I wouldn't push them away, they were the only thing keeping me clinging on to my sanity. I needed them. I needed Edward. Maybe it was selfish to keep them close when I know I was putting them in danger, but I couldn't help it.

Love isn't known for being fair or logical.

* * *

**I actually got a little depressed and spaced out writing the last part. I honestly did not plan for her to go a little loopy, but my fingers just kept on typing :)  
I hope you like the end result  
I know it took _forever _to get out to you, but I wrote about 10,000 words and then got stuck on how to explain everything.**


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